For me, Africa means...

Last wednesday it hit me for the first time...

For me... Africa means Samuel...

When it first  hit me in the hurriedness of the day... I cried...

I was kind of in shock... the thought came out of no where...

Here I was rushing around getting all the last minute things organized for my road trip with the 5 littles.

The kids were already loaded and buckled in the car...

We were already about an hour behind schedule...

I ran upstairs to put my hair up, grab a necklace and headband and head out the door...

Since Samuel died I almost never am without one of my Samuel necklaces...

Let me explain... I have 2 vintage pearl necklaces that include all of my kids names, including Samuel.  I also have a piece of photo jewelry that I had made shortly after Samuel died.  It has his sweet picture on one side and one of the 2 of us on the other side. I also have a necklace that someone had made for me with his name, birthday, the bible verses we had at his memorial services, all engraved on it. It is beautiful and meant the world to me when I received it as a gift my first mother's day as a mommy with one of my children in heaven.  Someone remembered him that day and it blessed me greatly!

I almost am never found without one of them on... I know it might sound silly... it is one small way he is remembered daily and wearing the necklaces with his picture or name bouncing on my chest makes him feel close to my heart...

So the other day as I hustled about I grabbed a headband , necklace, and bracelet that I had purchased from the women working so hard to get of prostitution in Uganda.

I started to head out my bedroom door and stopped dead in my tracks... I didn't have any of my Samuel necklaces... and the weird thing was I was ok with it. I immediately started to cry... I WAS OK WITH IT!

Then it struck me in the strangest way... to me Africa means Samuel.

What do I mean by that??

Without having that precious little 9lb baby boy in my life I would be so different... I wouldn't want to be who I was before his life and death..  I know his life and the experience of having to let go of one of my children here on this earth... knowing I would not see him again this side of heaven singlehandedly changed me more than any other earthly experience thus far.

I have stated before that I am a nervous flyer... the truth... I HATE flying... terrified... before Uganda I hadn't flown in over  12 years... BUT I KNOW God used Samuel and the fact  that I had actually survived losing him (trust me there were plenty of days I did not think I would survive it!!) To get my rear on a plane for over 24 hours of traveling... God is so good!

I KNOW my heart would not be as moved for the orphans if it hadn't been for Samuel!  He taught me Every single life is worth celebrating and fighting for!

I know the thought of embryo adoption probably would not have ever occurred to us without Samuel.  He taught us that every single life matters... 1 day in the womb... 9 mos in the womb... 9 years... 90 years... or even frozen for 5 years... precious life each and every one of them!

I could go on and on about all he has taught me...

But for now Africa means Samuel...
the face of orphans mean Samuel...
frozen embryos mean Samuel to me...
and I love it!

I love that God Used Samuel to change me...
I love that I see these things that to most would seem unrelated to Samuel... but to me... remind me of his precious deep deep mark on my heart and life... I love that... so so sweet of the lord to allow that...

To most Samuel has been dead and gone for almost five years... but to me it is almost like I am making new Samuel memories because the Lord continues to use his life and that experience, to bring all new things, passions, ways to serve into my life... all because of one beautiful sweet baby boy who never drew a single breath on this earth...

To me... Africa means Samuel...and that brings a big smile to this mama's face...