Sunday, April 29, 2012

a groaning...


Just the other day we had a gal to our house to help us with some house things and as we made our way from room to room she kept asking me questions about all of our kids.  She had also adopted.  She actually adopted through CPO many years ago... so we had an instant connection.  She was  a total stranger moments before but the more we talked as we walked around the house the more we connected...

When we came to the family room where the picture above sits enlarged on the mantle... I asked her, "Do you think people will mind looking at that?  Will they be able to tell that is Samuel and he isn't alive??"  She just lingered staring at the picture and let out a long GROANING...  "How do you survive something like that?"... It was all that she said...

Even now as I remember her groan, I feel the lump in my throat and my eyes are filling with tears... She engaged, she felt it full on and it made her groan... and it touched my heart... In that moment, one of my first thoughts was how the Holy Spirit will groan in prayer for us when we can't utter a word... He knows... and I am so thankful for that... that He is interceding for us when we are unable to utter the smallest/shortest of prayers.  I have been there...

Only by the grace of God is how you survive it... that is it!!  You survive it, but you still feel it... you still remember those horrific graphic memories 3 1/2 years later like it was a few months ago... .
 Since she was here, I have thought about it a lot... She mentioned later that when she had one of her babies, she had been pregnant with a friend.  That friend ended up having a still birth... She has yet to really talk to that friend in the last 15 years... She has tried, but the friend couldn't  reengage in the friendship...

While I totally get that, in fact there were friends I needed to have a little space from... I have since been able to reengage with mostly all of them... except for the ones that don't really want to reengage with me... :(  Sad, but true... I totally understand how hard and awkward the circumstances can be, but my hope is always for reconciliation at some point, a whole lot of grace, and love being shown on each end... It just isn't easy any way you slice it... but I think to strive towards those things would help in most efforts to reconcile with someone:)

Interesting circumstances the last few days...

I had that conversation with that gal at my house.

Then last night while purging and going through things in my closet I went through part of my Samuel bag... Many tears...

This morning in church they played the video to "He Knows My Name" the video Greg played during the service and sermon he preached 3 days after Samuel died.

Then the scripture today was the one where Jesus is talking about the joy that comes after the sorrow... He specifically mentions the pregnant woman who is sorrowful because her time has come to give birth... but then the joy that completely comes when she sees the results of her labor...  OUCH!  That one is ALWAYS a difficult one to hear still... Two of my precious girlfriends could see I was struggling and came and sat by me... Friends that know me... I love it... It is a rare find...(Thanks girls, you know exactly who you are:)

So tonight, I am thankful for the Holy Spirit groaning on our behalf when we can't even do that...  I am thankful for the loving, supportive groans of a new friend... And the warms loving, warms arms of friends to surround me in those tough moments...  God you are so good to provide all these things...

7 comments:

Kandy said...

Sounds like God was really with you! Thanks for sharing and being honest even in your pain! May God continue to strengthen your faith as you walk with Him!

Tesha said...

It is so sweet, when someones enters into our grief, so sweet and so rare. I told a lady at the store yesterday that I was working on a project to remember my son in Heaven and she actually cried, I was so touched some of my family and friends have never batted an eyelash. I love that picture of your sweet children :)

Jenn said...

I agree with Tesha! Just yesterday someone noticed my necklace of my son's footprints that I wear, and when I briefly told her what happened she cried!!! Many of my friends and family have never showed that much compassion, and sadly I've lost friends & family since my son died. What a blessing you have friends who can sense the need to come and give you support. I am 21 months out, so to hear your thoughts on being further out in this journey is encouraging. Thanks for sharing!

brigette said...

Im here visiting from Teshas blog. Your family is beautiful. Isnt it amazing when you get the chance to talk about your sweet angel. Prayers for your family!

Trennia said...

I am visiting from Tesha's link up :)
What a touching post I am glad you have such wonderful friends to support you (((hugs)))

SingerMamaMelody said...

Thank you for writing this. I know what you mean about how special it is when people try to feel this intense grief with us. It touches my soul in a way that is so deep. I'm wondering how this will affect friendships in my midst. So far, we've not experienced an extreme difficulty in that way...but I anticipate that it could very well happen, and I need to prepare myself somehow for it.

It grips me that you can still feel that intense pain 3.5 years later. I imagine that must be difficult, but I think it must be healthy that you allow yourself to go there.

I'm inspired by the fact that you have your amazing family photo with Samuel above your fireplace. I'm thinking about putting ours in that same spot as well. We have yet to get prints made, but hope to do so this week.

I also have to tell you that I love your song list and sometimes just come to your blog to listen. :)

Praying for you today,
Love,
Melody

twisteddomesticgoddess said...

OK I don't know how to put this in the right words but I really do love that she uttered a groan because to me(just as you said) sehw as overwhelmed by the grief of it all and that shows very very strong compassion.I have had people well up at just the short fact that we lost a son. I feel it's God's way of showing us that yes there are people out there that really do care.