MY LIFE... one I never expected...

I am joining up to Kelly's Corner today for a blog link up with other moms who have lost children. 

Since moving to our new home almost 4 years ago, we lost our precious son Samuel at 40 weeks due to a cord accident.  We then lost the baby we were to adopt 8 months later... we named him Joel and he was also stillborn, but at 28 weeks.  The following Feb. I also experienced an early miscarriage.  If you want to read more about those earlier days in our grief... just go to my archives and start reading from November 08...

We have since been blessed through the miracle of adoption with our daughter Hope and through embryo adoption with our son Levi... God has been so faithful to carry us through these hard and joyous times...

When I saw the link up I think I immediately went to my early days of grief and these are some of my thoughts... (By the way, I am praying for all you ladies in the link up... that the Lord will continue to carry you and sustain you in the ongoing sorrow and missing you have, when one of our precious children dies)


In my early days of grief, being in a new city with only one friend nearby,who lived about 40 minutes away, I found SO MUCH comfort and encouragement online reading the blogs of others mommies who had walked this heartbreaking loss before me. 

I was amazed that somehow they had survived and even thrived after living through the pain I was experiencing... The strange thing was... before Samuel died, I felt like I was making friends or that people wanted to be my friend.... but after he died it was a different ball game. 

I can see now, that people probably NEVER intended to leave me alone in my grief,  I am sure they thought that I had other people here... but I didn't.  I know that it was an extremely uncomfortable situation for many... I hate to say it, but being the person who made everyone uncomfortable, I think I was the MOST uncomfortable... the funny thing was all I wanted to do, was be able to talk about him, my son, my Samuel, my precious baby, show his pictures, talk about our time with him, but I think I could count on one had the amount of times I had to do that in about 5 months (besides my one friend here or with God sends online or by phone:)

I am not sure I have mentioned this ever here... but one thing that I was shocked by was the hit being "alone" in my grief took on me.  I am not an overly confident person... but fully confident in my place with my Savior and who He made me... but to have people just vanish, so to speak... left me feeling so worthless as a person.  On top of the extreme sorrow and pain, I was feeling like I didn't matter.    I could not understand how literally tears could be ignored, walked by day after day or week after week... I just couldn't get it....still don't really...  (I try to put the best construction on it, think the best thought, give total forgiveness even when they don't realize the hurt it caused:) and I think me being the type of person that will ask a total stranger in the bathroom if they are alright, if I see them crying, added to my bewilderment. 

I am so thankful to be filled with joy these days,  but honestly, the pain of that rejection is still there to a degree...  I know that God will use even that hurt now...

So, all of that being said... I have told G over and over again that I don't ever want someone to go through that hurt and pain alone... I want the body of Christ to BE what the body should be!  Bearing one another's burdens, carrying their sister's and brothers when needed and really just being there, truly being there in the flesh to walk along side through the trials of this life...

Thank the Lord that he provided a safe spot to share, unload,  and process... with a few close friends, my mend group, some family, and new amazing moms who were either walking this journey with me or had in the past. 

That is the reason I wanted to link up... If somehow, someway, someone who is walking this road, fresh in their grief, might somehow be encouraged to press on... keep walking bit by bit through the fire I want to make myself available... let my pain encourage someone else that it will get better... somehow with the Lord's help, you will survive this... you will get through it... you will come out the other side still missing that loved child, loving them even more... but you will get through the deep despairing moments... He will carry you!