I struggled with what to share here not really knowing exactly who reads my blog. For me, my blog has been a place for me to share my heart and I need to do that today. I have made dear and precious friends through my blog, women who truly understand where I have been and where I am today because of all that I have experienced, women who I know would want to pray. I have appreciated the prayers of ALL of you over the past 15 months. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
One thing that has always bothered me about church in general (most churches) or Christians is that it seems that many have the Sunday mask that they wear... DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT? Please know I am not at all trying to sound critical, and I want to repeat that am not talking about any church specifically, but in general. I know that happens everywhere... but why is it that I seem to be the only one who has a tear stained face on Sundays? I know others must be suffering and must not have it all together like it appears. I know that I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and quite honestly I have gotten much more careful about who I share what with... I don't like feeling burned... I guess I don't even mean burned, just more hurt by the reactions I will get. Does that make sense? But for the most part I am completely honest, vulnerable, and real with who I am and where I am at. So here goes for honest sharing...
The reason I share is to ask for your prayers... I have learned through all that I have been through in the last 15+ months that I am weak... I need the encouragement of the body of Christ.
So most of you know that I don't have an easy time conceiving, we have always struggled with getting pregnant... have had the diagnosis of SUB FERTILITY not infertility, but SUB... It doesn't sound good either way. Well, by the grace of God, I had a positive pregnancy test last week. Greg and I were so thrilled and totally surprised. After 2 blood tests, the doctor confirmed that this pregnancy will result in a miscarriage. It hasn't happened yet, but will apparently.
I don't share this to add more drama to my life. Please, please, please, know that. I don't share this to try to get any attention. I share this knowing many people have things FAR, FAR ,worse or more difficult than my current circumstances that they are dealing with... I realize that. But I share, knowing how weak and weary I have become over the past 15 months. I share knowing how powerful and faithful our God is... even in the moments when He seems silent. I share knowing all that He is capable of doing in our lives. I share also knowing I don't know what His plan is. I praise Him that it appears that I can still get pregnant. I praise Him for that life that He created no matter how long or short it is in my womb. I also share that knowing full well that things don't always go anywhere near the way that we would like them to. UGH! I can't tell you how excited we were, how quickly, even knowing full well the risks, that we/I embraced the whole idea of all that another child would mean for us.
It is hard... I know people's reactions to miscarriage vary greatly... but I know for me this will be hard.
This may sound nuts... but I am praying for a miracle... I know that may not be God's plan and I will accept that. I guess I am also praying that if it isn't His will for this little one to miraculously "make it:)" that things would progress smoothly and quickly if possible. The doctor said it could take up to 4 weeks... that feels like a long time to me. Please pray that I would take every thought captive... my mind is weak and weary and easily can get all mixed up. Please pray that God's presence would be very real to me. I feel a strong need to feel Him near me, walking through this with me, I just want His presence and peace to be undeniable. Please pray for Satan to have no way here in our lives and in this house. Please also pray for the kids, as usual, Louis took the news the hardest... but all in all I admire their child like faith and trust in God. I am praying that all of these difficult things will draw them closer to their creator and draw them into trusting Him even more.
Last night the boys and I were able to go to the Casting Crowns and Kutless concert. Truly we went to see the Chapman boys, Caleb and Will Franklin... We talked with both of them... amazing young men... truly amazing. Will Franklin and I compared our photo necklaces, his of Maria, mine of Samuel. I had seen them a couple of months ago at a concert here and knew I had to take my boys if they ever came back. We had a great picture of the 4 of them... that accidentally got deleted on the way home from the concert... big bummer. They were an absolute delight and watching them, for some crazy reason made me so proud for their mother... knowing all they have gone through with losing their sister and yet seeing them proclaim God's faithfulness was just an encouragement to me.
Their mom, Mary Beth Chapman, recently said on her blog how hard it still is for them 21 months after maria's death. She said to her girls, "We can do hard." You know I agree with her, we can do hard... it will be hard till all things are as they should be when the Lord returns or we meet Him in the clouds... we can do hard this side of heaven... that doesn't mean it will be easy, but with God's help and the love of His people surrounding us, we can do hard.
The end of this week will be big as far as the sweet little pumpkin girl we hope to make our forever daughter... I will keep you posted on that as well.
Obviously, I started by saying that I was at a loss for words, but I found a way to try to articulate it all...
Thank you again again and again for your prayers... Sad for all we are experiencing right now, but, Hopeful because I know how this will all one day end... Praise God!