Thanks for all of your prayers...
God answered in allowing it to happen quickly, I started to miscarry on Saturday afternoon. I wasn't surprised, but that is not saying that I am not still incredibly sad about it.
God was faithful in allowing me to feel peace that afternoon. Yesterday, not quite so much... am I just weak or what?
My humanness makes me question and wonder with all that happened over the last 15 months if this week will not go our way with sweet little girl... Yesterday I was standing with 3 elders at church after the service, telling them in a joking way that I don't think Oklahoma likes me very much. Then I completely lost it when Anna walked up. It just hit me again, what will my kids think, feel, do, if this doesn't go well this week. I was expressing that, and completely lost it, one of the ugly, ununderstandable ( I know that is probably not even a word), talking, crying moments... I don't think they could understand what I was even saying... poor men. They were gracious and started to pray for me. I know God is capable of all things... but like I said I balance that with the reality of how things may go, that we may have to say goodbye to her this week... that breaks my heart in two.
I will be praying and fasting on Wednesday and I think the elders of our church will be praying for us after the Wednesday nights activities.
I am praying for His will to be done... and for the very best for her to be done. (Selfishly and in my mind it seems so clear that should be her with us) The crummy part is this week is just step one, there will be step two down the road a week or two, and we should really know within a month the end result... too much waiting in my mind right now... but really, we have no choice but to wait and rest in His promise of eternity... ahhhh, there I go again... eternity... I can't wait for that!
Really, that is what brings me peace these days, thoughts of eternity... my sweet, precious, Samuel there, this new little life there...When I think of how long off that may be, I really try to focus on the fact that in the Big Picture... this life here on earth is just a little dot, the first dot on an unending line... The rest of the line is eternity... Ahhhh, resting in that thought right now.