Monday, February 8, 2010

UPDATE...

Thanks for all of your prayers...

God answered in allowing it to happen quickly, I started to miscarry on Saturday afternoon. I wasn't surprised, but that is not saying that I am not still incredibly sad about it.

God was faithful in allowing me to feel peace that afternoon. Yesterday, not quite so much... am I just weak or what?

My humanness makes me question and wonder with all that happened over the last 15 months if this week will not go our way with sweet little girl... Yesterday I was standing with 3 elders at church after the service, telling them in a joking way that I don't think Oklahoma likes me very much. Then I completely lost it when Anna walked up. It just hit me again, what will my kids think, feel, do, if this doesn't go well this week. I was expressing that, and completely lost it, one of the ugly, ununderstandable ( I know that is probably not even a word), talking, crying moments... I don't think they could understand what I was even saying... poor men. They were gracious and started to pray for me. I know God is capable of all things... but like I said I balance that with the reality of how things may go, that we may have to say goodbye to her this week... that breaks my heart in two.

I will be praying and fasting on Wednesday and I think the elders of our church will be praying for us after the Wednesday nights activities.

I am praying for His will to be done... and for the very best for her to be done. (Selfishly and in my mind it seems so clear that should be her with us) The crummy part is this week is just step one, there will be step two down the road a week or two, and we should really know within a month the end result... too much waiting in my mind right now... but really, we have no choice but to wait and rest in His promise of eternity... ahhhh, there I go again... eternity... I can't wait for that!

Really, that is what brings me peace these days, thoughts of eternity... my sweet, precious, Samuel there, this new little life there...When I think of how long off that may be, I really try to focus on the fact that in the Big Picture... this life here on earth is just a little dot, the first dot on an unending line... The rest of the line is eternity... Ahhhh, resting in that thought right now.

10 comments:

mom2many said...

Sara, as God has reminded me over and over, ask yourself, isn't God taking care of you? Don't you think He can take care of your children, also??? I remember the exact spot on the road where I was when God spoke those words to me. It's hard to accept, but it's true. He loves them more than we do and for some reason, He is allowing our children to go through all of this loss and rollercoaster of the state system right along with us. It is for their best, because everything God does is for our best. Love you!

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry, Sara. I am praying with you and for you. God is greater than all you are going through.

Tonya said...

Dear Sara,

Thanks for the update. I'm so sorry that you're having to endure this loss at all. I'm especially praying for you, though, that you have to go through this on this particular week when Hope's future with your family is uncertain. God is great. God is good. I don't understand Him, but I know He is there. Holding you and carrying you through it all. If you need to talk at all this week, ANY TIME OF DAY OR NIGHT, please call me.

Much love, hugs and prayers, prayers, prayers.

Tonya

Carolina said...

Sara- My heart breaks as I hear how you're going through all of this. I have been reading your blog for a long time and I love the transparency of your writing. It is very encouraging for me how real you are with your emotions.. and I agree I think often people put their masks on for 'Sunday best' which makes it hard to build new friendships at times. I have been attending 'Celebrate Recovery' for a couple of years now and love the transparency of it.

Thinking and praying for God's beautiful plan to unfold your life and your family. I know he can turn ashes to beauty if we hold on to Him even when life doesn't make any sense at all! love,

Carolina

Marcie said...

Oh Sara, I am so sorry about the loss of your precious baby. When I saw your last post, I too was hoping and praying for a miracle. Eternity is such a sweet thing to look forward to and we know that our babies are enjoying our Savior's presence at this very moment. Can't wait to join them all! I will be praying about your sweet little girl that you want to make your forever daughter. Love you! Hope to see you soon.

amanda said...

'sorry' just doesn't do it justice, but then again i don't know what does. i've lost two babies to miscarriage in the past seven months, and was blessed enough to get pregnant again and am 4 months along. the pain doesn't go away, or get easier, and sometimes it's so hard to just live. breathe even. but god. he sees us through these crappy (because...it is) times and we realize how refined we are when we're done going through them. praying for you!!! and your family. because it doesn't affect just you.

Becky said...

Oh Sara, I'm sending love and hugs your way. I'm praying for you, for you to feel the Lord's presence in an intense way. And we're praying for that sweet little girl of yours. Let us know if we can do anything else for you guys. Know you're being lifted!
Love,
Becky

Christa said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you!

Love,
Christa

Ebe said...

I'm so sorry, Sara. I wish I could give you a big hug. We know God is loving and faithful, his Word tells us over and over, yet there is so much struggle in this world that we just don't understand why our loving Father would allow such hard things...
you're free to struggle with these things. Free to be angry and hurt...God is holding you all the time. He will never let you go.

Praying for you, sweet friend.

love,
ebe

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

So sorry....praying for you and for peace in this storm...