The end result.... a wipe out and Caleb laughing being pulled by the car.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The end result.... a wipe out and Caleb laughing being pulled by the car.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
She also sent a beautiful wall hanging that has Jeremiah 29:11 written on it in Chinese, in the shape of a cross. It is so special. It is hanging right by our front door so we can be reminded that God does have a plan to prosper us and not harm us, to give us a HOPE and a future. Beautiful words... Beautiful reminder. The kids were so thrilled too, they couldn't believe we received a gift from the other side of the world. Thank you so much dear friends.
We have been so blessed by so many people, meals, gifts, ornaments in memory of Samuel, cards, CD's, books, magazines, and prayers. Many cards have been read and reread in the tough moments when I just need to be reminded of God's love for us. When you are wondering why He, the God of the Universe, the God you have always trusted, who is capable of anything, allowed your son to die sometimes you just need to remember that He does still love you regardless of how you feel. His word says He does... so He does. His word is TRUTH, not my feelings. I know I have said that before but I myself need the constant reminder. I am going to plaster His truths around my house just so I see that reminder everywhere I turn. I know it sounds pretty pathetic, you would think that when these truths have always been your cornerstone you wouldn't need the constant visual. But you know, the devil attacks, and I have felt it a great deal over the last couple of months. Nothing better to combat Him with than the word of God.
To know that people are praying for us is a gift to my soul. I know that is the only reason we made it through the first few weeks...knowing many were pounding on God's door on our behalf. So thank you everyone for all you have done for us, we are blessed! We continue to appreciate the prayers, there are still many ups and downs each day. But Praise God there are times the weight of our grief seems lighter.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Greg and I went to the MEND support Group tonight. MEND is a national group that supports moms and dads who have lost children through miscarraige, stillbirth, or a child under 1 year. The meetings are held in a beautiful, cozy log home here outside of Tulsa. It was interesting because Greg asked why I thought people who had suffered a loss maybe 2-3 years ago were still coming to the group? (It is so interesting to me how differently men and women who have suffered the same loss of a child can grieve.) I am not saying anything bad about my wonderful husband, it is just different. Shoot, I wouldn't be standing today if it weren't for his support:) He has been amazing, 100% supportive of me during this time. But, I only had to think about it for about ahhhh... 1 second. For me there is a comfort in being with others who have also suffered the loss of a child, some of them more than one child. I know that they completely understand what I am going through. It is the one place where I can be like everyone there. I actually feel like a normal person with the other people there. As crazy as that may sound, when you go through something like losing a child, you are never the same person again. I am forever changed and that isn't all bad. But to fit back into life as you knew it or everyone else knows it just doesn't feel right. You don't fit in. When you can sense and feel others uncomfortableness around you, you know it is different. I am not faulting people, I understand the discomfort, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. So to go into a room of people and to know that they are completely at ease with your loss and grief is actually like a gift to me. I can be me, who I am right now, wherever that may be in the grief process.
This Thursday is Sanctity of Life Day. Tonight we were talking about how our other kids are dealing with their loss. Praise God that kids are resilient. I am so thankful that my children enjoyed having Samuel as a part of our life. He was a constant topic of conversation all through my pregnancy. He was always making himself known to them by his kicks. To look now at the pictures of them with their little brother, their love for him is so evident. They valued their time with him alive in the womb. They were so careful with him as they held him, even after he had passed away. They know every life is to be celebrated. They know every life that God creates is precious whether is is 9 days, just 9 months in the womb, or 90 years.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
They left Monday and we had our upstairs neighbors, the Hayters, from the seminary come down for a few days. They left Friday morning and that afternoon the Stinettes, other friends from the Seminary came and stayed 2 nights on their way through Oklahoma. I have to say, that the Lord must have knew I was going to need friends in my home. I had just felt completely in a funk for a good week+, more like in the pit, unable to drag myself out. Honestly, I am learning a lot about the process of grief and myself through all of this. Having people here was the perfect kick in the shorts, or change of scenery to help me. I think I have figured out that if I get to feeling that BAD again for that long of a time I may just need to pack the kids up and head up north for a week or two. That is part of the beauty of homeschooling:)
Anyways, I was so blessed by getting to talk with my girlfriends, have them pray for me, listen to me talk about Samuel, and again cry with me. I know I have said it before but living in a new city and losing a child has had its share of challenges. Honestly, it completely stinks. I have wondered...ok Lord, why now, why here, what is your purpose in this?My friends and family get me and get that. It was such a treasure to just be able to be me, and know that as real friends they aren't afraid or uncomfortable with me or my grief. They love me and are with me in the grief, no matter what that looks like. And in those times I am cared for, ministered to, and I think I heal a little bit more. I don't know if that makes sense. Anyways, I miss them all already... but thankfully more visitors are on the way. Tomorrow one of Jojo's godmothers is coming to town. Yeah! Ryane, is Greg's cousin, but I claim her as a dear friend:) Then after Ryane leaves my parents may come down for a few days.
My sister asked if it was a good thing to have all of the company. I immediately said yes. It has broken up the monotony of my sadness. It has been a blessing to have friends and family who lighten the load just by being here. Last week prior to the visits I went to church to talk with the retired Pastor, he too has lost a child. I was talking to him about the despair I had been feeling over the loss of Samuel and he was saying that when you are at that low, low point, at the bottom of the valley that God's love is deeper still underlying that valley, basically still supporting you in that valley. He actually drew it out and it was a good visual for me. When the pain feels so deep, his presence is deeper still. When I feel alone and abandoned, his presence is deeper still. I keep praying that in those moments as I am begging for His help, comfort and peace that he will make Himself known to me. That I will feel his presence.
I have heard people say in the past that when you don't feel that God is close it isn't God who has moved, it is you. I have REALLY wondered about that in the last couple of weeks. When it is dark in the morning my mind has a tendency to wander and be consumed with not so great thoughts. I have had Greg pray over me, I myself pray, begging God to take away the thoughts and fill me with His peace. I have demanded that Satan leave me alone, and have no way with my thoughts. Honestly, there have been times there has been no relief. It is then that I wonder Ok Lord, I am not asking for my circumstances to be different, I am not asking for my sons life back, nothing like that, just peace and relief from the despair. I am just wanting to feel Him present with me in the despair. I don't know maybe someone can shed some light on that for me. I know He is there regardless of how I feel, but why not allow me to feel that closeness. I will keep calling out. I know He hears my cries.
So this week He sent dear friends and family to my home to comfort me and support me. I am so thankful for that tonight. I needed it:) Thank you God!