Monday, September 14, 2009


I love, love, love that picture. A big kiss right smack dab on the lips. There wasn't a hint of fear or trepidation with the kids that day... they just wanted to see their little brother and be by him... they had waited a long time.

Sweet little 5 year old Anna with Samuel... She was either holding him, kissing him or snuggled up to whoever was holding him that day. What a tender heart God has given her.

Sometimes you have things happen that you never expect to happen in YOUR life. Yesterday was one of those days when I had that happen.
Yesterday we had our new friends over from church, the friends who just moved from Sweden. Well, Nicole was so sweet and asked to see our pictures of Samuel. I took her into my closet to get the box of pictures out of our Samuel bag that is filled with all our cards, pictures, some gifts from our time with him. Well Anna comes bounding in the closet and says, "I want to see Samuel"

I first need to go back and tell you about my conversation in the car with her last week. We were talking about how baby Joel had been buried and she asked where Samuel was buried. I think we had already told her about having Samuel cremated, but she seemed to have forgotten. So I had to re-explain to her that we didn't know if we would still be living here and that we didn't want to bury him here and leave him here if we had to move just 8 mos. later. (There were other reasons for cremating him, but I thought that would be enough for her to hear) I didn't have to get into all of the details but she knew that we now have just her little brothers ashes with us. She asked where they were and I told her in my closet.

Ok, I know some of you may be thinking....AHHH THIS IS WEIRD. Well, really it is just small part of the reality of life after losing a child. Honestly, we haven't decided what to do with them. For now, they stay in my closet until we decide on something and I am ok with that. I don't really want to spread them anywhere, I want him here with us. I know he really isn't here, but you know what I mean.

Ok, so back to being in the closet with my NEW friend Nicole and Anna. So I pull the small plastic box off the shelf. She says she wants to see the ashes. I can't remember now if I mentioned on my blog about the night I looked at Samuel's ashes just days after we picked them up from the funeral home... but there was no way I was going to let my little girl look at them. Too hard, too much for her little eyes to see. So I explained she could see the box, but not the ashes. Then she took the box from my hands and said out loud, "Hi Samuel", so happily and sweetly and then she gave the box a big kiss and handed it back to me. I don't know why but it just melted my heart. She loved him so much and still does. And although it may sound strange, I felt sad for her, but yet it felt good.

Then in that next instant I realized how weird it must be for people to be my friend. It is not too often that you walk in your friends closet and watch her daughter kiss the box that holds her little brother ashes. But my friend was so gracious and didn't seem the least bit bothered by it. Wow, that felt good, amidst the craziness and sadness that is my life, she didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable with it. That was a gift. Then she and I sat on the couch and poured over all the pictures I have of my precious son. She saw every single one... we cried... we laughed about how big he was...we marveled at how beautiful God had made him...

It was a gift to me... even though I cried, it felt good. I know I have said this before, but, I love telling his story... I love hearing someone else mention his name... music to my ears. My heart aches as I sit in my quiet house tonight with the rest of the family sound asleep... sleep comes so easily for all of them.... I am thankful for that, for them... But tonight, I miss my son...I can't wait for our joyful reunion one day... Longing for Heaven...when I can hold him again.
And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation, they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore, they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night, in his temple;and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. NEVER again will they hunger; NEVER again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them, to springs of living water. And God will wipe away EVERY TEAR from their eyes.
Revelation 7:15-17


Amy B said...

I am up having trouble sleeping . I spent some time catching up on my blog reading...
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. It is such a reminder of what God and Love is all about.

kristilea said...

Little girls can be so motherly! My friends 9 year old daughter took it the hardest when she heard the news that mommy had to deliver her baby sister at 24 weeks because she had died. She had already made her pictures and hung them on the crib.

I pray from the depths of my heart, that like my friend, God will give you more little blessings in the future to help heal your broken heart. God surprised her with two healthy pregnancies and babies to follow that tradgedy, and her last one was another little girl! She now has 5 boys and 3 girls, with one of those girls waiting for her in Heaven.

I trust that God will bring you the right baby or babies in the right time and it will be one of the greatest blessings you've ever known! I believe He already knows which one(s) need you the most right this very minute.

Christa said...

Samuel is beautiful...thank you for sharing!

Ebe said...

What sweet little babies you have.
This is our new normal, and I'm so thankful for the friends who step up and walk with us.