A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS GIFT:)

I have been dying to post about this... and finally got the go ahead to do it... so here it is:)

We are so happy to be able to share with you about the sweet little (really not so little:) 10 month old Christmas gift we have received... Her name is HOPE JUBILEE HINTZ. We picked her up about 2 weeks ago, but due to the circumstances regarding her placement with us we were unable to really share anything about it until now. The agency director came and did our first post placement visit with us last Tuesday and she said she thinks it is now safe to say that she will be staying with us... hopefully FOREVER. She still wanted me to wait a little while to post a picture... (The circumstances of how she came to us are quite unique... so we need to hold off a little longer) As soon as I get a go ahead I will post a picture of her on here.

She is such a sweet baby girl. ( Really she is not a baby, she is over 20 lbs. and at times seems more like a toddler) She is already doing a lot of walking... it is crazy, none of my other kiddos walked this early. She is super good natured and really goes with the flow... she fits right in with us in that regard. She is a very easy baby. When we went to pick her up we were praying that the Lord would set her mind at ease with us and that He would fill her with peace. We spent a lot of time in prayer those first few days. But He certainly answered those prayers. She was very quiet the first few days... but did very little crying. About 5 days later, she really started to come out of her shell. She is quite noisy and boisterous now... it is so cute. I think she feels comfortable and is cutting lose.

The kids are over the top in love with her. And I think she really loves them too. They have been the perfect distraction to her in getting used to our home, and adjusting to a new environment. The kids almost fight over who gets to sit by her, hold her, and walk by her when I have her in my arms. It is pretty precious... They have been waiting so long to be able to shower a little one with love... they are truly enjoying it.

When we first got her, we knew we maybe wouldn't be able to keep her. But immediately Greg said, "It is going to be hard not to fall in love with her." It just melts my heart to see this little girl in his arms. He is such a good daddy. When she sees him up in church she just reaches out and grunts for him.

So much of this is not how we had envisioned it to go... her to not be a newborn... and even how she came to us. When we woke up in the morning of the day that we got her, we never could have imagined the day to turn out the way that it did. Yet, we have been praying for this precious little girl for months, actually about a year. We didn't know how God was going to grow our family... but we have been praying that He would answer that prayer... and who are we to question how He answers it? We are so thankful!

We are absolutely thrilled that HOPE is with us. She has brought much joy to our hearts already. We are so thankful to God for this precious gift. We can't wait to share our Savior with her as she grows and we can't wait to share about her big brother Samuel who touched us all so deeply and who still is such a big part of who we are as a family. I would be lying if I said that having her here didn't bring up a whole slew of different emotions... but right now we are reveling in JOY in the faithfulness of our God to bring her to us. THANKYOU GOD FOR THIS LITTLE MIRACLE BLESSING OF HOPE JUBILEE:)

THE CHRISTMAS SNOW:)

ANNA NOEL

THE HINTZ AND DINKLEMAN KIDS

ANNA OUT ENJOYING THE FRESHLY FALLEN SNOW...

YES, IN OKLAHOMA... WHAT A TREAT.

CHRISTMAS CRAZINESS...

AT HOME LATE CHRISTMAS DAY

THE KIDDOS HAVING BREAKFAST CHRISTMAS MORNING AFTER AN UNEXPECTED SLEEPOVER.

ME AND MY SWEET, CARING, UNBELIEVABLY FLEXIBLE FRIEND NIKKI:)



THE KIDS PLAYING

Wow, we have had a crazy last couple of days... here is the play by play...


Christmas Eve around 11:30 am we lost power at our house. We had plans to hang out with our friends, the Dinklemans, we would go there to feed the kids, all 11 of them, then go to 7:00 church, then spend and have dinner with Greg, back at their house. Then I would go home and Greg would go up to church to do the Candlelight service at 11:00pm. Well, all of that was the plan even with the impending snowstorm.

So when we lost power, we decided to head to their house early... I really didn't want to be stuck at my house with all of the kids, with out any power, with Greg possibly stuck in town. We packed things, just in case we needed to stay over in town. By the time 4:00 rolled around it was already determined that the only service we would have at church would be the 5:00. We hurried and got all the kids ready and headed to church in the snowstorm. The roads weren't bad. But by the time we left church, it was like a blizzard outside, and blowing like crazy. We decided to head back to their house and not try to get home. Our big white van has rear wheel drive and I almost got stuck in the parking lot. And what still surprises this northern girl, is that here in a city like Tulsa, they just don't get to the roads. The one plow we saw on the way home, didn't even have the plow down... weird. We did encounter a car abandoned at a stop sign..., it was still running, but he owner just left it there in the middle of the road.

We had a delightful night. We had lots of good laughs, good food, and really just enjoyed visiting and hanging out. The kids all slept well. Christmas dawned bright with a beautiful blue sky and a blanket of white snow. A white Christmas in Tulsa, we didn't see this much snow at all last year... I loved seeing it, and quite honestly, just the snow energizes me, it felt like a Wisconsin Christmas... so nice!

We had kind of an episode (that is an understatement:) with one of the foster girls in the morning. Wow! We sent the kids out to play in the snow and decided we would try to head home in the afternoon. Our friends were incredible to open up their home to all 10 of us... They were so incredibly gracious and hospitable, all on Christmas. They didn't bat an eye at all the extra commotion. I am sure it was much more peaceful once we left, but they made us all feel truly welcome.

When we left for home yesterday afternoon... we made it to our city, but couldn't get our van home. We would hit a small hill and just spin like crazy. We were going no where on those hills... Anna was scared and crying in the back... (that totally would have been me as a child) The roads were slick and not at all cleared. We know how to drive in snow, we have done it for years... but boy our big van is terrible in the snow, and the fact that they don't put sand or salt down... made it even harder. We had to call our neighbor to shuttle all us home. We were so thankful.

Greg and I then wrapped all the kids presents... we hadn't gotten that done. We had a nice Christmas evening. Today the kids had a blast in the snow. They were out for hours. Now we get ready for company to come, my brother and family tomorrow... Yeah, can't wait. I will try to post some snow pics... and then I have been given permission to share some great news, hopefully tomorrow.

Praying that you had a wonderful and blessed Christmas!

UPDATED: GOOD TIMES AND A WHITE CHRISTMAS:)

LOUIS, ANNA, AND GRANDMA SKIPPING THROUGH THE LIGHT TUNNEL, I JUST LOVE THAT I CAUGHT THEM IN ACTION:)
VERY TYPICAL JOJO:)

UPDATE: IT LOOKS LIKE TULSA WILL HAVE A WHITE CHRISTMAS... YEAH, A PREDICTED 3-8 INCHES!!! THAT IS LOTS FOR A CITY THAT CAN'T REALLY PREPARE FOR IT... WE WILL SEE IF IT MATERIALIZES. WHAT A FUN CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR THIS NORTHERN GIRL... AND THE BUNCH OF KIDDOS WITH US THIS CHRISTMAS:)

We have been really busy... I want to get a post up about a little early Christmas present that we received... but seeing that it is past 2:00 am, I better leave that for another night. The kiddos, all of them will be up early, much earlier than I will want to be if I don't hit the hay. I will try to post tomorrow.

Merry Christmas everyone... I can't believe it is Christmas Eve... I still have all the presents to wrap... I think we may need to pop in a Christmas movie tomorrow so I can get that done:)

CHRISTMAS WEEK!

THE KIDS WITH THE FAUST FAMILY FROM CHURCH... THE NEIGHBOR YOUNGSTER AS WELL... YEAH, FOR CHRISTMAS BREAK AND THE ABILITY FOR PLAY DATES:)... DO YOU STILL CALL THEM PLAY DATES WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE 12 YEARS OLD? THE KIDS HAD A BLAST PLAYING... AND I LOVED GETTING A CHANCE TO VISIT WITH MY FRIEND SHELLEY:)


YES, THIS IS A REMOTE CONTROL CAR... AND YES, YOU WOULD NEVER GUESS WHAT IS ON TOP OF IT... "THE BUNNYMOBILE" IS WHAT CALEB CALLED IT. THE KIDS TAPED A BOX ON TOP, PUT ONE OF THE SWEET BABY BUNNIES IN IT, AND COVERED THE TOP WITH TAPE SO THE BUNNY COULD "FALL OUT" OR "ESCAPE". SO THE BUNNIES GOT RIDES DOWN THE STREET... I LOVED THE CREATIVITY, BUT WORRIED A LITTLE FOR THE BUNNIES SAKE...
EVERYONE SURVIVED... INCLUDING THE BUNNIES:)


JOEY CRUISING THROUGH THE TUNNEL UNDER OUR DRIVEWAY... I JUST LOVE THAT LITTLE GUYS CHEEKS.

WHAT A BUSY WEEKEND... IT WAS SO NICE TO HAVE MY PARENTS HERE, IT WAS TOO SHORT OF A VISIT. WE HAVE HAD THE 3 GIRLS FOR THE LAST 3 DAYS... WOW, THEY ARE FULL OF ENERGY, BUT REALLY SWEET AND PRECIOUS. ANNA IS ENJOYING HAVING SOME OTHER GIRLS IN THE HOUSE. WE ALL SAT IN THE FRONT ROW OF CHURCH... AND SURVIVED. REALLY, THE KIDS DID VERY WELL. JOJO DID FALL ASLEEP IN MY SWEET FRIEND NIKKI'S LAP...MY HANDS WERE A LITTLE FULL:)

I CAN'T BELIEVE CHRISTMAS IS JUST A FEW DAYS AWAY... HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS, WE DON'T GO OVER BOARD ON CHRISTMAS PRESENTS, JUST A FEW FOR EACH CHILD. HERE IS THE NOT SO GOOD NEWS, IT IS JUST 4 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND I HAVEN'T CONSCIOUSLY SHOPPED FOR ANYONE... YIKES! (I DID GET FOR EXTENDED FAMILY, JUST NOT OUR LITTLE FAMILY YET.) I LOOKED OVER WHAT I HAVE IN MY STOCK PILE:), BUT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GET OUT AND GET A COUPLE OF THINGS. I AM KIND OF, MORE LIKE TOTALLY, DREADING THE CROWDS. IT IS A LITTLE LATE FOR ONLINE SHOPPING. MAYBE I WILL JUST HIT THE WALMART IN TOWN. WE SHALL SEE...

MY EMOTIONS HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THE MAP... I MISS SAMUEL SO MUCH! EVEN WITH ALL WE HAVE GOING ON, AND ALL THE DISTRACTIONS, HE IS NEVER FAR FROM MY MIND. I HAVE LOTS I WANT TO SHARE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT (NO I AM NOT PREGNANT) , AND I AM THANKFUL FOR ALL GOD IS DOING IN OUR LIVES, BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT IS HARD TO JOURNEY FORWARD KNOWING THIS MISSING SAMUEL WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME. I LONG FOR THAT DAY WHEN WE WILL BE REUNITED... THAT DAY WHEN ALL THINGS WILL BE MADE RIGHT! AHHH, WHAT A DAY THAT WILL BE:)

I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THAT SWEET LITTLE BROWN HAIRED, FULL FACED SAMUEL WHO WAS BORN JUST OVER A YEAR AGO AND CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER!

I AM ALSO SO THANKFUL FOR THE BABY THAT WAS BORN SO MANY YEARS AGO WHO CHANGED THIS WORLD AND MY HEART FOREVER. WHAT WOULD I DO WITH OUT THAT HOPE THAT WE HAVE FOR THE ETERNITY WE WILL SPEND WITH HIM? I AM SO GLAD THAT WE SERVE A GOD WHO TOO WALKED THIS EARTH... CAME AS A LITTLE BABE, BUT GREW TO BE A MAN, WHO KNEW DEEP SORROW, PAIN AND SACRIFICE. I KNOW OUR SADNESS DOESN'T GO UNNOTICED BY HIM. THAT BRINGS ME COMFORT THIS CHRISTMAS AS WE CELEBRATE HIS BIRTH. PRAYING YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS!

JUST SOME MORE PROOF:)

Can you say precious???

Just some more proof that this little guy will do anything for a donut... see post below:)

CHRISTMAS COMPANY, PROGRAM AND BRIBERY:)

JOJO IS ON THE FAR RIGHT... THIS IS HIM SINGING THE "GO" FROM "GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN" THE FUNNY THING IS, THE DAY BEFORE THE PROGRAM THE KIDS WERE TELLING ME HOW JOJO NEVER DOES ANY OF THE MOTIONS AND BARELY SINGS... JOJO'S EXCUSE, "I'M SHY."

LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT MY DAD RAN INTO JOJO IN THE HALLWAY BEFORE THE PROGRAM, AND HE TOLD JOJO THAT IF HE DID A GOOD JOB, HE WOULD TAKE HIM OUT FOR DONUTS AT STICKY BUNS THIS MORNING.

WELL, BRIBERY WORKS ON THIS LITTLE GUY. HE SAID ALL OF THE WORDS AND WAS MORE ANIMATED IN HIS ACTIONS THAN MOST OF THE OTHER LITTLE KIDDOS. TODAY IN THE CAR, HE TOLD ME THAT WHILE HE WAS UP THERE HE WAS THINKING ABOUT DONUTS... YEP, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT DONUTS, NOT BABY JESUS, OR THE MANGER... BUT DONUTS. WHAT A RASCAL.

CALEB AND ANNA BEING A PART OF THE CHOIR... ANNA IN ALL HER GLORY:)

CALEB, LOOKING A LITTLE TORTURED:) HE DID A GREAT JOB, I WAS PROUD OF HIM, CONSIDERING HE WOULD RATHER BE IN THE BACK YARD TOSSING THE FOOTBALL.



LOUIS, WORKING IT ON STAGE:)



AFTERWARDS WE TOOK MY PARENTS TO THE RHEMA DISPLAY OF LIGHTS... HOLY COW, DO THEY HAVE THE LIGHTS... IT IS BEAUTIFUL!

JOJO AND ANNA TAKING ON GRANDMA IN CONNECT FOUR.

We are plugging along. We had a really nice week. I was amazed at the kids Christmas program. They all did such a good job, and the message was awesome... I actually felt a little choked up just by the message of the play. It was really neat.

We have so much going on, so much I want to share, but now isn't the time. As always we appreciate your prayers for us.

As we plug along through this week, tomorrow my mom and I will go to my ladies small group Christmas get together. Then we will meet up with the men and all of the kids and go on a blue bell icecream factory tour....(there is always time for ice cream right?) Then we have our couples small group bible study tomorrow night, the 3 girls come on Saturday, and my parents leave on Sunday.

I prayed for distractions and I certainly got them:) Even with all of the distractions... I can't help but to be thinking of my Samuel... Man, do I miss him. Sometimes I wonder, how can I miss someone SO much who I only shared 9 mos in my womb, and 5 hours in our arms. How, I wish I had understood grief before, and how I realize how much I have probably misunderstood people, did not reached out like I should have, or just plain didn't understand how someone else was grieving... especially on holidays or special days. Oh my, what a year... really I am ready to kiss 2009 goodbye... I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for 2010. I am ready for it. I will enjoy this Christmas and cherish the times of making memories with my family, but I will welcome a new year at the end of it.

Who else is ready for a new year??

LET THE BAKING AND BUSYNESS BEGIN:)

JOJO HELPING WITH THE TEXAS TRASH.
THESE 2 SWEET PUMPKINS MELT MY HEART.

We have had a super busy weekend... had lots of exciting things take place:)

The baking has begun... we have the Texas trash made, and now need at least 6 dozen cookies made for the kids program at church on Wednesday night. The kids are all performing in it... Louis has a solo and some lines in it. This is the first time he has really had a part in a play and I think it will be great... right up his alley:) We have a whole list of cookies we would like to make... we will see what gets done. Honestly, I haven't even thought about what to get the kids for Christmas. I am a bit of a stasher. I like to buy ahead, but I need to look and see what we already have. We usually only do 3 gifts, just like the 3 wisemen bringing gifts to Jesus. So it shouldn't be bad to go out and get a couple of things. I am really trying not to stress about it, but just enjoy it. I know all of the important things will get done.

My parents come on Wednesday. We are watching 3 little girls, they are in foster care with a family from church, for 10 days over Christmas. Then my brother and his family are coming down for New Years. I am thrilled to have all of the distractions away from my regular routine. I think it will really help me get through the holiday while missing Samuel. We also plan to head to Houston for a bit at some point.

We are looking forward to having company and extra kids around the house. I REALLY needed the distraction this year... and I think I got it:) I don't mean distraction from the reason we really celebrate Christmas, but the distraction of celebrating it without Samuel here.

Better go get to bed, we need to try to crank out a full week of school before the Grandparents come Wednesday evening:) I will try to post something a bit more interesting... I do have a funny "NOT ME" picture I will try to get up for NOT ME MONDAY... we will see if I get to it...

Blessings on all of your Christmas preparations:)

OK GOD... I'M LISTENING:)

THIS IS AN EMAIL THAT WAS FORWARDED TO ME ALREADY TWICE TODAY BY 2 DEAR OUT OF TOWN FRIENDS... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO YOU 2 THAT SENT IT TO ME (I HAVE BEEN SO REMISS IN GETTING IN TOUCH WITH BOTH OF YOU, I WANT TO, BUT WANT TO HAVE THE TIME TO REALLY CHAT:) ... MY HEART IS HURTING SO DEEPLY TODAY... HOW DID YOU 2 KNOW THAT? I KNOW YOU KNOW... IT IS HURTING EVERYDAY.

LAST NIGHT AFTER CHURCH, I WAS A MESS, THE RETIRED PASTOR'S WIFE (WHOSE FIRST BABY WAS STILLBORN OVER 40 YEARS AGO) GAVE ME A HUG AND SAID IN A COMPASSIONATE, UNDERSTANDING VOICE, "IT WILL ALWAYS HURT , THIS WOUND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE"

SHE IS A HUGE EXAMPLE TO ME THAT I CAN SURVIVE THIS AND THRIVE... SHE EXUDES THE JOY OF THE LORD... I JUST LOVE IT.

I HAVE FELT LIKE I HAVE BEEN WRESTLING WITH GOD SO MUCH LATELY... ASKING THOSE DEEP QUESTIONS THAT ARE KNOCKING AROUND IN MY HEART, MIND AND SOUL. MY DAD REMINDED ME A FEW WEEKS BACK THAT IT IS FINE TO WRESTLE OUT YOUR FAITH... TO ASK THOSE HARD, BRUTAL QUESTIONS I NEVER IN MY LIFE THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE TO ASK, TO WRESTLE WITH GOD... HE THEN REMINDED ME... I WON'T WIN. (YEAH, I ALREADY KNEW THAT DAD:)

I KNOW THAT, AND I AM NOT SURE MOST PEOPLE WOULD GET IT, UNLESS THEY ALSO HAVE HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE OR EXPERIENCED LOSS IN THEIR LIFE. I WAS TELLING GREG TODAY THAT THERE ARE TIMES I FEEL TOTAL JOY OVER SOMETHING ONE OF THE KIDS DID OR I LAUGH A DEEP BELLY LAUGH... BUT YET THERE IN THAT SAME MOMENT, IT IS TEMPERED BY THE PAIN IN MY HEART. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO ANY ONE OUT THERE? JOY AND PAIN AT THE SAME MOMENT? BLESSED CONTENTMENT WITH MY FAMILY, YET SUCH LONGING I CAN'T EXPLAIN AT THE SAME TIME? THERE IS SUCH A CONFLICT OF EMOTIONS GOING ON INSIDE OF ME.

HERE IS THE DEVOTION...

Where was God?

10 Dec 2009Lysa TerKeurst"But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 'Look,' he said, 'I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.'" Acts 7:55-56 (NIV)

Sometimes things happen in life that are so horrible our minds have a hard time processing them. Even our souls don't know quite where to place the horrific. So, we pull out our trite Christian answers and hope they are good enough to keep the honest questions at bay.But somewhere deep inside us a question bumps around our heart. A question so honest we Christians feel we couldn't ever possibly ask it.

Where was God?

Where was God when the students were shot?Where was God when my sister's 18 year-old friend had a headache one day and died suddenly the next?

Where was God when my friend's baby wrapped the umbilical cord about his leg and he died days before he would have otherwise been delivered perfectly healthy?

Where was God when that precious girl was taken, and found a few days later in the trash dump?

Like I said, things so hard we can hardly process them. Sometimes we'd rather make an excuse for God than be brave enough to actually go to God and ask.

I've been guilty of this. I've tried to make excuses for God. And I hated the feeling of faking my way through with plastic answers just to gloss over something my God is certainly big enough to answer Himself.

For years, I asked God to help me wrestle with this hard question. And finally an answer came tucked away in Acts 7:54-60, the stoning of Stephen. It's easy to read the words of the story and miss the reality of what's really happening. Stephen is being brutally murdered. Stephen is living the horrific we can't process. Yet, in the midst of his most desperate moment, Stephen is absolutely not alone.

While I hate - absolutely hate - what is being done to Stephen's body, his soul is experiencing something completely separate. And what I discovered when I dared peak inside the horrific was a miracle that makes me weep with relief.

God was there. Jesus was there. And my Jesus wasn't just sitting by observing. No, He was standing. And please forgive me for daring to make an assumption here but because I know Jesus, I have a picture in my mind of what He must have looked like in this moment. With tears streaming down His face, full of the purest compassion ever known, Jesus makes sure Stephen sees Him. Locks His eyes on his. And from what I can tell, Stephen never took his eyes off of Jesus. In the midst of chaos and screaming and the most vicious of acts, Stephen's soul talks with Jesus. His body falls as Stephen cries out forgiveness for all who dare to hear. And with that, a merciful sleep takes Stephen away.

I know this is hard to process. I know just reading these passages doesn't answer every question. And might I encourage you to wrestle with this and pray about this and ask God the bold questions that knock around your soul? I'll be posting a little more on this topic on my blog today and I'd love to process this with you further. But, let me assure you I won't be offering cookie cutter answers. These are hard questions with no easy answers.

I don't understand why Stephen had to die this way.I am still horrified by all of the events I listed above. And while I don't have all the answers, there is one thing I know for certain. I do know where God was. He wasn't too busy. He wasn't cold and heartless. He wasn't caught off guard. He was there. And I'm convinced with holy tears dripping in the midst, He is grieved over how sin has broken this world. And He walks to the edge of eternity and reminds us He will avenge, He will redeem, He will make all things right.Especially those we can't possibly understand right now.


Dear Lord, it is so hard to understand the horrific events that happen. Thank You for this reminder in Stephen's story. Even though we may never have answers on this side of eternity we can still stand on the truth that You are good even when life isn't. But Lord Jesus, please pour out Your loving comfort and reassurances. Our hearts need Your touch in those deep hurting places. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


WELL THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR TODAY, WHAT I NEEDED TO BE REMINDED OF, GOD WAS THERE THE DAY SAMUEL DIED, HE HEARD OUR WEEPING, PLEADING, AND MOANING. HE WAS WEEPING WITH US... HE WAS COLLECTING OUR TEARS... HE STILL IS, NOT ONE GOES UNNOTICED BY HIM. THE PAIN THAT SIN IN THIS WORLD HAS CAUSED DOES NOT GO UNNOTICED BY HIM EITHER.

HE WILL AVENGE... HE WILL MAKE ALL THINGS NEW...I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN THE ENEMY IS DEFEATED ONCE AND FOR ALL. THE DAY WHEN THE DEVIL WILL QUIT PROWLING AROUND LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO DEVOUR. THE DAY WHEN EVERY, YES, EVERY KNEE WILL BOW AND EVERY TONGUE CONFESS THAT JESUS IS LORD.

AHHHH. IT GIVES ME CHILLS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT...

COME LORD JESUS COME!

HERE'S THE PROOF:)

So here it is the proof behind my previous post... that my animal disliking days of the past are now truly in the past:)

Can you believe that, the bottle is bigger than the little bunny. He was just going after it. It was pretty precious.

It really makes me see the awesomeness of all of God's beautiful little creations:) Man, His handiwork is amazing.

A SOMEWHAT QUIET WEEK

2 little pig-tailed girls... Anna and Ellie


Jojo, Caleb and Josh


Louis with his and Samuel's butterfly ornaments from last year.

2 of my favorite ornaments... I love that picture of Samuel and anything that glitters and glistens against the lights.

We have had a bit of a low key week around here. Greg went hunting with a man from church. This was a big treat for him, he loves getting out in the woods. He has really missed being able to head up to northern Wisconsin with the boys, my Dad and all my brothers. He misses the camaraderie of being with the fellas. It wasn't something he did that often, but he enjoyed it when he did get the chance. So this was a treat for him.

Our Swedish friends the Dinkleman's kids are with us this weekend. Actually we have 2 of their 3 here. ( I always refer to them as our Swedish friends, but really they aren't Swedish at all. They just moved here from Sweden) So that has made for lots of fun for the kids, they are having a ball together.

Here is kind of a random, sort of strange, but funny story for those of you that know me. I have never been a HUGE fan of animals. Really I kind of dislike them. Greg grew up with dogs, so he loves them. My mom had terrible asthma while I was growing up so the only kinds of animals we had were the ducks or chickens that we hatched. (Yeah, it was a little odd to have ducks in the back yard in the suberbs of Milwaukee) Anyways... this gal who really dislikes animals was spotted heading to Atwoods Farm and Ranch store for bunny formula. Yep, you read that correctly.... Bunny formula. The mama rabbit had 9 rabbits and the runt was just still not really growing at all. On the way home from the store, Louis called saying that the bunny had passed away. He was so sad, he was holding it when it happened. I know that is part of the way it works. I really think he was so tiny he was just getting pushed out the way when he would try to nurse. The old me, animal disliker, would have just let nature take its course, which it did. But I found it shocking myself that here I was heading out, spending money to try to save it. In fact the kids were trying to feed one other one today... we will see what happens with that one.

So either animals are growing on me, or I just love my kids so much and love the fun they have with the rabbits and kitty. Now the guinea pig on the other hand... we are kind of trying to find a home for him. Anyone out there want a guinea pig... Free for the taking:)

We are missing the snow that seemed to be falling up north, and even my in- laws called from Houston saying they had snowflakes the size of quarters. We just had cool weather and tons of wind... I really miss the white Christmas time. There is something so beautiful about that blanket of white that covers everything and hangs on the branches:)

Have a blessed weekend!

HOUSEGUESTS LEAVE... MORE PETS ARRIVE

OUR 2 LITTLE PILGRIMS
9 NEW BABY BUNNIES... WHEN THE BOTTOMS MOVED WE DECIDED TO EMBARK ON A NEW LITTLE JOB FOR THE BOYS. WE TRADED OUT OUR PREVIOUS FEMALE RABBIT FOR A NEW MAMA... WE ADDED ANOTHER FEMALE AND A MALE. SO THE BOYS WILL HAVE A LITTLE RABBIT BUSINESS. WE FIGURED THIS COULD HELP TEACH THEM SOME RESPONSIBILITY AND HELP THEM TO EARN A LITTLE MONEY ON THEIR OWN... NOT TO MENTION THAT THE BABIES ARE JUST PRECIOUS. (WHEN THEY GET OUT OF THE HAIRLESS MOUSE LOOKING STAGE:)

THIS GO AROUND WE WERE ALL ABLE TO ACTUALLY WATCH HER HAVE THEM, IT WAS AMAZING. WE ALL PEEKED OUT OF THE BACK DOOR WINDOW ONTO THE BACK PORCH WHERE HER CAGE WAS... SHE IS A GOOD MAMA. ALL 9 ARE DOING WELL, SO FAR SO GOOD!

HERE ARE THE BIG BOYS MAKING A LITTLE RABBIT BOX, SO THAT ONE OF THE OTHER RABBITS CAN GO IN TO GET OUT OF THE COLD OR WIND. THEY CAME UP WITH THE IDEA ALL ON THEIR OWN AND DID A GREAT JOB. I AM SURE THAT RABBIT IS HAPPY, IT IS OUR COLDEST NIGHT TO DATE THIS FALL. THE CRAZY PART ABOUT THIS ALL IS, THAT I AM NOT AN ANIMAL PERSON AT ALL. I WILL ADMIT THEY ARE GROWING ON ME, BUT REALLY I AM FINE WITH IT, AS LONG AS THEY ARE OUTSIDE.

Well, all our house guests have left. Yep,that is right, all of them. The girl and her son that were to come on Sunday... did come, but only stayed about 7 hours. She said it had nothing to do with us. Really, I can't blame her, I can't imagine just having a baby, then giving that baby up, and then going to a complete strangers home to recover. She was very sweet, we had a really nice talk during the time that they were here. I don't think her mother was very supportive of the adoption and that is where she was going to stay... She did seem very solid in her decision to place the baby for adoption though. So that was good. The adoptive mom said it probably also had to do with the fact that we hardly get any cell reception at our house. She felt a little lost without the use of her phone. I said she could use our phone anytime. I think she just wanted to be in her own home. I know when I don't feel well, that is where I want to be. I just continue to pray that the Lord will provide what she needs and that seeds will be planted in her heart to turn to HIM. It was a bit of an up and down day, just gearing up to have them here and then for her to leave so soon. We are trusting that was how long God wanted her here.

It has been a busy week with company and all, but I loved it. The tree is up and really looks pretty, Walmart had some beautiful live trees this year... The kids really loved looking at all of their ornaments that they have gotten over the years and we all loved putting up all of Samuel's ornaments that we received last year.

Tonight was the choir program at church... this was where they have a couple and a baby come in dressed as Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus. Last year that was supposed to be us, until Samuel died. It stung a little tonight. Even putting up the decorations put me back to what it felt like to put it all up last year. It had only been about a month since he had died. It is all kind of a blur, but I just remember forcing myself to put up a tree for the kids sake... I didn't really feel like it all. This year it felt different, it was actually nice, but it stung a little too. Oh, how I wish he was here to take in all the brightness of the lights or to pull on the ornaments. He would have been just at that age, where you know they are truly starting to understand when you say no. Putting up the tree probably would have been one of the first few teaching, training times. I miss that. I love seeing those sweet precious kids learn right from wrong... even if it would have just been training not to play with the ornaments. I know that sounds crazy that I would miss the training part of it, but I do. I miss so much about not having him here.

At the same time, I feel so much stronger than last year. I feel like I am able to face so much more. It still hurts incredibly, I think I am just learning to deal with that hurt. I still miss him tremendously, but I am learning to live life with a longing for heaven I NEVER had before. I am so thankful that God is walking beside us every step of the way. I am thankful for His sustaining power as we move forward each day.

HOUSEGUESTS, HOUSEGUESTS, AND MORE HOUSEGUESTS:)

JOJO WHILE COOKING WITH GRANDMA...HE LOVES GETTING MESSY!

I LOVE THOSE BLUE EYES:)
THE KIDS MAKING PEANUT BUTTER KISS COOKIES...
CALEB WAS TOO BUSY WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH DAD AND GRANDPA TO PARTICIPATE... THAT CALEB WOULD TAKE PLAYING OR WATCHING SPORTS OVER PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING.


JOJO ZONKED OUT ON GRANDPA HINTZ



YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE OLDEST UMPIRE IN MISSOURI:) ANNA, ENJOYING SOME TIME WITH MR. NEBEL

What a day... I will get to the challenging part of the day in a moment. Friday Greg's parents came up from Houston to spend part of the weekend with us. I better quit putting them to work or them may not come up anymore:) They will need a vacation from their vacation if I keep up with having them help us with all of our projects. The kids wanted to make cookies. So right away last night they were wanting Grandma to help them make Texas Trash. ( A yummy Texas version of Chex Mix, snack mix) Today we had them helping with getting all of the outdoor Christmas decorations up. The Bottoms blessed us with a really pretty outdoor nativity scene and some beautiful wreaths. We were able to get that all up... ahhh, that was a load off my mind, it was so nice to have their help. We got the tree up inside with lights, but we will have to put the ornaments up tomorrow. As usual Grandma and Grandpa were a HUGE help to us.

This afternoon my sweet Texas friend Mary's parents were passing through town on their way to St. Louis and stayed the night with us. They are so incredibly sweet. We are always amazed with her dad who at 83 is the oldest umpire in the state of Missouri. He is still refereeing High School basketball games. He is so spry... Her parents are both such a delight to have here.

Now moving on to the challenging part of the day.... Man can some emotional things just exhaust me. A few days ago we got an email from CPO saying they needed a host home for a birth mom. She was induced yesterday and had a baby girl last night. She has chosen the adoptive parents but will need a place to stay for about 10 days. It would be for her and her 2 year old son. Right away I felt God stirring my heart. Here will be a girl who will be leaving the hospital with out her baby. I can relate to that feeling. Greg and I talked about it and decided that we wanted to do it. I thought it would be a good distraction for us and a way for us to serve and look beyonds ourselves and our sadness this Christmas season.

All looked great until the adoptive mom asked that we come to the hospital to meet the birth mom. I totally understand that she would want to meet us before she and her son come to stay. The difficult part was that she had her baby at the same hospital that I had Samuel in and that Joel was born in this past summer. I just don't have any good feelings from that hospital. I have left there twice now with out a baby and had some of the most painful moments of my life in that hospital. Truthfully I avoid taking the road that makes me drive past that place. I just felt like, "Lord I want to serve you, but really do I have to go back there today??" Well, I did. Greg came with me. The adoptive mom met us outside the elevator and right away said, "Thank you for coming, I know how hard it is for you to be here." I immediately lost it. I think it was that she acknowledged our pain and loss. She prayed for Greg and I right there.

Part of me was a little mad that I had to go there. But yet part of me thought maybe God really wanted me to go there, that maybe that was part of the work He needs to do in me. I want Him to work what He wants to in my life and heart... but boy does the fire of refining hurt sometimes. Once I pulled it together, God really proved faithful by giving me comfort and peace in my heart.

We went in and met the young lady. She is very sweet and I think it will be great to have her with us for the next 2 weeks or so. Please pray that God uses us in her life during the short time she will be with us. She in looking into other non-Christian religions. She doesn't like to be alone so most likely she will want to come to church with us. (That was what the adoptive mom thought.) I am looking forward to being able to comfort her in her loss and being a listening ear for her if she needs one. I am also REALLY praying that God will soften her heart and open her eyes to hearing about a relationship with Jesus. All in all, it was ok to be there. God proved faithful once again to sustain us.

The kids are excited to have her and her son here tomorrow... We are thankful for all of our houseguests this week:) We will keep you posted ...

THANKSGIVING 09

I GUESS I SHOULDN'T POST THANKSGIVING O9 AND THEN ADD A PICTURE FROM 07 BUT I HAD TO ADD THIS PICTURE FROM A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO WHILE GREG WAS IN THE SEMINARY. LOOK HOW LITTLE JOJO LOOKS... SUCH GREAT TIMES!

I JUST LOVE THIS PICTURES... LOU'S WET PANT LEGS AND ALL... AND JOJO'S SWEET LITTLE SAMUEL PUPPY.


I THANK GOD TODAY FOR THESE 5 PRECIOUS PEOPLE WITH ME ABOVE
AND FOR THE BEAUTIFUL 9 MONTHS THAT I GOT TO HAVE SAMUEL GROW INSIDE OF ME.

THIS IS THE MOST RECENT PICTURE OF ELIJAH... IT WAS A COOL DAY, BUT REALLY NOT THAT COOL. I THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY THAT HE HUNTED DOWN THAT HAT AND SCARF ALL BY HIMSELF. HE BRINGS US SUCH JOY...DIRTY CHEEKS AND ALL:)



I WILL TRY TO UPDATE LATER THIS MORNING WITH WHAT WE ARE ALL MOST THANKFUL FOR THIS YEAR.



BLESSINGS ON YOUR THANKSGIVING DAY...

GIVE THANKS TO THE LORD, FOR HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER PSALM 136:1

UPDATE:
This year we are thankful for :
Greg: His family, opportunity to serve the Lord as a pastor, God providing in ways that we wouldn't expect, our home and our vehicles that run:).

Sara: Our small group at church, a job for my husband, a husband who is extremely supportive and accepting of me, all 5 of my children, my big white van:)( as dorky as it may be, I love it), being able to stay home with my kids, friends that will stick by through the sunny times and the rainy times, my precious family, and most of all a God who has walked beside me, sustained me this past year and gives me hope for the future here on earth and in eternity with HIM.

Louis: My house, all of my family, Samuel, my friends, my new pets, and The Bottoms family.

Caleb: My house, family, friends, food and toys, my ripstik, and time spent playing football with Dad and Louis.

Anna: Having friends to play with, Jesus, having dolls, my family, my momma(she really did say that:), my daddy, my piano, a bed to sleep in, and my 5 brothers( she included Samuel and Joel, Faith's baby) (She also wanted me to add that she wants a sister:)

Jojo: Having Samuel in our family, legos, my sister Anna, momma, for a daddy who dresses him and takes him on walks, snuggly hat, my cowboy boots, and brothers who play with him and share legos with him.

OH MY BOY...

I am missing him so incredibly much today. He is constantly on my mind. I looked at the bottom picture last night and realized for the first time that his lips looked kind of preciously crooked. How could it take me a whole year to realize that about my son? I inspected every detail of him that day... or so I thought. I think I was so enamored with how red his lips were that day. Oh, I would give anything to just scoop him up in my arms and cuddle him next to my face...

Last year this time I was just 3 weeks out of my loss... totally in the fog. This year the holidays are taking on a whole new picture. Last year we were just trying to make it a moment at a time. This year I am realizing anew that we will NEVER this side of Heaven celebrate a Thanksgiving or a Christmas with Samuel. Ugh, my heart hurts.... really hurts... This year he would have been so busy, all into our decorations that we will put up this weekend. It just doesn't seem right? I wasn't anticipating this holiday season to be difficult... I thought we had gotten through the firsts... but maybe this Thanksgiving and Christmas will be the first "not in the fog of shock". I never realized at the time what a gift "shock" is.

I am tired of having bad and tragic dreams... I even went to bed early "for me" last night... but woke up at the crack of dawn with my heart pounding... I had Greg pray over me before he left for work. The other night he asked if I could remember what I had dreamt about because I was crying in my sleep...

Last week I was really feeling HOPEFUL... this week not so much. I think I will call it "Quiet time" for everyone in the house. This is where we all go find a place alone and have some quiet time with Jesus. I need Him to fill me with some HOPE. Any other baby loss mamas out there that are having or had some of these same feelings at the holidays...even more than a year later?

There are so many things swirling around in my mind, but I am not sure if I am ready to post about some of them...

not sure if people will understand where I am coming from...

not sure if I can handle the negative feedback I know that I will get from some... (that is the thing, there are things that just take time for me to know I can handle the good or the back feedback I may receive... and until I am at that point, I rather not share it)

not sure if I can articulate some of my feelings on some things without it coming across in a way I don't want it to... I know I am as confused as I sound at times...:)

We started a small group with couples from church. We meet twice a month and are studying the book Love and Respect. Already I am so incredibly thankful for the 3 other couples we meet with . I think they will be a safe place for us. Last night I laughed so hard at times and it felt so good. I love the moments when I have a good "throw your head back and let it go" laugh. At the same time we were all able to share struggles and challenge each other in our marriages. It has been a great book so far, we are only on Chapter 3 at this point. It has some revolutionary things I had NEVER really thought about, so we are looking forward to the rest of the book. Greg and I came home and were up till 1:15 just talking and talking about many things heavy on our hearts. My husband is such a good listener, but it was really so nice to hear him share his heart too.

For me a small group bible study has always been the place where your church starts to become your church family. That is one thing I have REALLY needed since we have been here, so I am so thankful that we are able to start building those relationships. It is just so hard on Sunday morning. I always stay after the service to visit. But with teaching the boys Sunday School class, making sure we are on time, and getting everyone to use the bathroom, all with Greg doing His:) thing... it just doesn't leave a whole lot of time to visit and get to know people.

I took the above pictures outside in or by Samuel's garden. There is a sense of relief that our first year without him has passed. We survived a year... we persevered through the hardest year of our lives to date, I still taught the kids, we still traveled, had food on the table, and the house didn't fall apart. I kind of feel like those are some good accomplishments considering many days I just truly felt like pulling the covers over my head and staying in bed. But just because we are one year closer to seeing Samuel in Heaven doesn't mean we miss him any less or think about him any less.

One of the biggest misconceptions I have found is that people feel like if I look like I am doing fine that if they bring up Samuel that they will bring up something I am not thinking about and that will make me sad. What they don't understand is I am still thinking about him still so much... almost all the time, consciously or subconsciously. That may not make sense to someone unless they have had a loss themselves. I still miss my boy like crazy. My chest still literally hurts some days. I think I really understand the broken heart "feeling". I never knew that was physically possible till losing Samuel. I still look at all babies and even kids up to a year and just watch them... knowing in my heart and seeing with my eyes all of the details and things we will never get the chance to experience with our son. That is still so very hard to swallow some days. Ugh! It is so interesting and almost out of body like, to watch others with their little ones just in blissful happiness from the outside. I don't know how to describe it from the outside, when you are living the exact opposite to them in regards to the babies that you carried. You know the pain and intense grief you feel, and they know of your loss to, but yet it feels like there is this total disconnect as I watch... Weird and bizarre to most probably... I don't expect people to get it but really I share here really just to help myself process things and who knows maybe someone else who has had a loss will know they are not alone. Or maybe someone will read what I say and be able to help someone else close to them who has had a loss. I just wonder when will I really get used to this "new normal"?

So here I started with not much to say or not knowing how to say anything... but huh... I seemed to get some out, even if it may have just sounded like a whole lot of rambling... still so much more in there...

We would appreciate prayers as we contemplate and pray about some different decisions we may make for our family. He is listening... He hears our prayers... The one who breathed life into us, is waiting for us to come and unload. I am so thankful he is there to take it, all of it. He is there listening... even if I don't always hear his answer or like his answer or am still waiting for His answer... I am glad He is listening.

SAYING GOODBYE... MORE LIKE SEE YOU SOON:)

JOJO THE UNICORN... ALL TUCKERED OUT.

ANNA AND MEREDITH, THE BOTTOMS GRANDDAUGHTER HAVING A SLEEP OVER... THESE TWO ARE 2 PEAS IN A POD.

CALEB WITH ONE OF THE BUNNIES AT THE BARN SALE

AT GRANDMA AND GRANDPA BOTTOMS.

We had a busy week last week with all of my friends here... by the way... I am still sad that they are gone, but so thankful for the time we had together.

Last week before our company arrived the kids and I had gone out to the Bottoms to help her cook for the barn sale that they had just this past weekend. She was going to do all of the concessions while the auction of all of the house and barn stuff was going on. I have never seen a more efficient person in the kitchen. I think we baked 4 cakes, 10 dozen cookies, and 2 pans of brownies. I have learned so many things from her in the kitchen.

The boys helped them with some outdoor stuff, and she and I cleaned out one of her deep freezes which in turn ended up blessing us with many coolers of food to take home. I was even able to make prime rib for my girlfriends. They all laughed that I went out and bought such a great cut of meat just for them. It was such a treat for all of us. Honestly, it was the first prime rib I have had and it was amazing:)

Greg and the kids went out all day Friday to help get ready for the auction the next day. The big boys slept over and got up early to help with the concessions on sale day. I have to tell you, when I arrived at the sale later that afternoon and saw all of the cars and people... I felt sick to my stomach. It was a bit rough for me... I can't imagine how it was for them. They are the most generous people... so incredibly hospitable.

Their granddaughter ended up sleeping over, so when I went back to drop her off I got a chance to tell Deena how much I appreciate them taking us under their wing this past year, during such a hard time for us. Their home here was amazing, but really they are what make their place so special and such a fun place to be. We have loved spending time with them. We will miss them so much. It was not an easy goodbye. We are so thankful that they will still need to come back up... or we can always go see them... Her daughter said we can come anytime. Actually it would be on the way if we go to Houston. When the kids heard that... they said can we try to see them twice a month... I love kids view on time... We feel so blessed to have had our time here in Oklahoma over lap with theirs for 1 year... God was good to have them here for us.

OUR NILMDTS PHOTOGRAPHER

These were pictures that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer sent to us the week of Samuel's birthday. Now I lay Me Down To Sleep is the organization that has volunteer photographers that go to the hospital to photograph babies either before they pass away or after. They give an unbelievably priceless, precious gift to us parents who have children in heaven.

Our photographer, Kaycee, has since moved to Virginia. We just love her and think that she is amazing. She went above and beyond what she needed to do for us the day Samuel died and in the months following while she edited all our pictures and made us our DVD. Months after Samuel had died I sent her some gift cards as a little thank you for all she did for us. What she did with those gift cards amazed me. She sent us a letter and these pictures the week of Samuel's birthday. She also sent a beautiful paper weight with a pictures of all of the kids together in it.

In the letter she told how she wanted to do something special with the gift cards. Now, that was the first thing that amazed me. (A lot of times if I get a gift card for me, I just spend it on something fun for me, a shirt, jewelry... whatever... but she actually put time into thinking about how to spend them. ) She decided to get a small Waterford compote. She had it engraved with one of "Samuel's" verses. Isn't it absolutely beautiful? What a meaningful way to spend our gift card... in a way that will help her remember our boy. She plans on putting it in her future baby's room as a gift from Samuel. She said she had no idea how our NILMDTS session would affect her even a year later. Her words were so sweet, she mentioned how often she thinks of us, including Samuel, and still prays for us. We so appreciat that.

I was just amazed, here this sweet gal volunteered her time to be there to capture our only moments with our son. She gave us the gift of our only photos as a family and the only photos of all 5 of our children together. We still have them all over our home. I'm sure some find it peculiar to have so many pictures around. But for now we still need that many to look at. Who knows, maybe I need them to look at. Maybe it won't always be that way, but for now it is. She did an amazing job and captured so many of the beautiful bits and pieces of our precious son. Her gift of photos is priceless. Now her gift of remembering our Samuel is priceless as well and touched us all so deeply.

I plan on writing a little more about Samuel's birthday week and either special things that were said to us, written to us, or given to us. I haven't had the chance yet... but it is in the plan...