I am missing him so incredibly much today. He is constantly on my mind. I looked at the bottom picture last night and realized for the first time that his lips looked kind of preciously crooked. How could it take me a whole year to realize that about my son? I inspected every detail of him that day... or so I thought. I think I was so enamored with how red his lips were that day. Oh, I would give anything to just scoop him up in my arms and cuddle him next to my face...
Last year this time I was just 3 weeks out of my loss... totally in the fog. This year the holidays are taking on a whole new picture. Last year we were just trying to make it a moment at a time. This year I am realizing anew that we will NEVER this side of Heaven celebrate a Thanksgiving or a Christmas with Samuel. Ugh, my heart hurts.... really hurts... This year he would have been so busy, all into our decorations that we will put up this weekend. It just doesn't seem right? I wasn't anticipating this holiday season to be difficult... I thought we had gotten through the firsts... but maybe this Thanksgiving and Christmas will be the first "not in the fog of shock". I never realized at the time what a gift "shock" is.
I am tired of having bad and tragic dreams... I even went to bed early "for me" last night... but woke up at the crack of dawn with my heart pounding... I had Greg pray over me before he left for work. The other night he asked if I could remember what I had dreamt about because I was crying in my sleep...
Last week I was really feeling HOPEFUL... this week not so much. I think I will call it "Quiet time" for everyone in the house. This is where we all go find a place alone and have some quiet time with Jesus. I need Him to fill me with some HOPE. Any other baby loss mamas out there that are having or had some of these same feelings at the holidays...even more than a year later?
5 comments:
Definitely. We just had our family pictures, and I just wished so badly our Samuel could be in them. I should have had our almost three year old sitting on my lap with his arms around my neck. Instead I wore the necklace that we got in the hospital.
Holidays are so tough. He is so beautiful. One day soon the Lord Jesus will wipe away our tears and there will be no more pain. Praying for you as you miss your Samuel.
Sweet Sara,
I have just read your post and my heart is breaking so for you. As usual, a resounding "YES" is leaping from my heart to you. I most definitely think the holidays this year will be more difficult than last year. We were in shock and you're right...that was a gift. But not only has that worn off, our boys would be so enthralled by the Christmas tree and lights and decorations. I'm missing that already.
There is HOPE my friend. Don't lose your grip on it or you'll have nothing left. It's all we have...HOPE in Jesus. HOPE in heaven because of Jesus. HOPE in God's loving arms, unabounding grace, never-ending mercy. HOPE in the comfort that only HE can bring. HOPE that we absolutely WILL be together with our precious boys again one day. HOPE that He will never leave us or forsake us. And assurance that He will carry you all the days of your life, just like you carried Samuel all the days of his. Don't let go Sara...you've made it this far...keep holding on!!!
I'm praying for you sweet friend. Praying hard that you will find some peace through all of this heartache, especially during these holidays ahead. Praying for God to carry you and hold you close. Praying for those things we've talked about but not shared here.
Let's talk this week...
Love you!
Tonya
What a precious boy he is.
My second holiday season without Owen was worse and better in some ways. The shock was gone, so I definitely felt more pain in the missing of him on those special days...but also, the comfort of the Spirit was on me in ways I couldn't feel because of the shock of the first year.
I hope this is the case for you too.
Praying...
love,
ebe
Yes! We said good-bye to our precious little Alethia Joy almost 10 months ago, and some days are just soo hard..I am looking forward to seeing my family during this holiday season but am also dreading the holidays and anticipating how hard it will be without our baby girl.
Thinking of you and praying...
Your baby Samuel is precious.
Oh Sara, thank you for your post. I sometimes wonder if the holidays will ever get easier. No matter how much joy there is around us we always feel like a piece is missing. This year I'm just really thankful that we are going forward and that God is giving us new challenges - but it's hard not to remember that first Thanksgiving wiht out Olivia. A lot of our family stayed to see us through the holiday after the memorial, but no one could muster the energy to cook so we went to the Cracker Barrel. As I look around our table this year they are all the same faces from that horrible thanksgiving... and I'm trying hard to be thankful for them... so that I don't miss Olivia so much. Blessings to you and your family this weekend.
A
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