There are so many things swirling around in my mind, but I am not sure if I am ready to post about some of them...
not sure if people will understand where I am coming from...
not sure if I can handle the negative feedback I know that I will get from some... (that is the thing, there are things that just take time for me to know I can handle the good or the back feedback I may receive... and until I am at that point, I rather not share it)
not sure if I can articulate some of my feelings on some things without it coming across in a way I don't want it to... I know I am as confused as I sound at times...:)
We started a small group with couples from church. We meet twice a month and are studying the book Love and Respect. Already I am so incredibly thankful for the 3 other couples we meet with . I think they will be a safe place for us. Last night I laughed so hard at times and it felt so good. I love the moments when I have a good "throw your head back and let it go" laugh. At the same time we were all able to share struggles and challenge each other in our marriages. It has been a great book so far, we are only on Chapter 3 at this point. It has some revolutionary things I had NEVER really thought about, so we are looking forward to the rest of the book. Greg and I came home and were up till 1:15 just talking and talking about many things heavy on our hearts. My husband is such a good listener, but it was really so nice to hear him share his heart too.
For me a small group bible study has always been the place where your church starts to become your church family. That is one thing I have REALLY needed since we have been here, so I am so thankful that we are able to start building those relationships. It is just so hard on Sunday morning. I always stay after the service to visit. But with teaching the boys Sunday School class, making sure we are on time, and getting everyone to use the bathroom, all with Greg doing His:) thing... it just doesn't leave a whole lot of time to visit and get to know people.
I took the above pictures outside in or by Samuel's garden. There is a sense of relief that our first year without him has passed. We survived a year... we persevered through the hardest year of our lives to date, I still taught the kids, we still traveled, had food on the table, and the house didn't fall apart. I kind of feel like those are some good accomplishments considering many days I just truly felt like pulling the covers over my head and staying in bed. But just because we are one year closer to seeing Samuel in Heaven doesn't mean we miss him any less or think about him any less.
One of the biggest misconceptions I have found is that people feel like if I look like I am doing fine that if they bring up Samuel that they will bring up something I am not thinking about and that will make me sad. What they don't understand is I am still thinking about him still so much... almost all the time, consciously or subconsciously. That may not make sense to someone unless they have had a loss themselves. I still miss my boy like crazy. My chest still literally hurts some days. I think I really understand the broken heart "feeling". I never knew that was physically possible till losing Samuel. I still look at all babies and even kids up to a year and just watch them... knowing in my heart and seeing with my eyes all of the details and things we will never get the chance to experience with our son. That is still so very hard to swallow some days. Ugh! It is so interesting and almost out of body like, to watch others with their little ones just in blissful happiness from the outside. I don't know how to describe it from the outside, when you are living the exact opposite to them in regards to the babies that you carried. You know the pain and intense grief you feel, and they know of your loss to, but yet it feels like there is this total disconnect as I watch... Weird and bizarre to most probably... I don't expect people to get it but really I share here really just to help myself process things and who knows maybe someone else who has had a loss will know they are not alone. Or maybe someone will read what I say and be able to help someone else close to them who has had a loss. I just wonder when will I really get used to this "new normal"?
So here I started with not much to say or not knowing how to say anything... but huh... I seemed to get some out, even if it may have just sounded like a whole lot of rambling... still so much more in there...
We would appreciate prayers as we contemplate and pray about some different decisions we may make for our family. He is listening... He hears our prayers... The one who breathed life into us, is waiting for us to come and unload. I am so thankful he is there to take it, all of it. He is there listening... even if I don't always hear his answer or like his answer or am still waiting for His answer... I am glad He is listening.