Today I am brokenhearted. I miss my son. Yesterday I actually felt good for a couple of hours as we spent some time together as a family. Then the grief just seems to blind side me. I called Greg a few minutes ago, he took Louis to an early morning Dentist appointment.
He told me he was on the way to the Funeral Home to pick up Samuel's remains and Death Certificate. I just keep asking myself... How can my husband be going to pick up the remains of our son? It's going to be a tough day.
When we were in the hospital and knew Samuel was already with the Lord we were faced with so many decisions that had to be made fairly quickly. I wanted Samuel's Memorial service to be a celebration of the 9 months we had with him and a celebration of the life he has now in Heaven. Since Greg is only a vicar right now and that is a one year deal with the possibility to convert to a full time call next year we don't know for sure how long we will be in Oklahoma. I couldn't stand the thought of possibly leaving here in 8 months and having to leave Samuel here where ever we buried him. That is part of the reason we decided to have his body cremated. We want to be able to have him with us if this isn't where we will be long term. Only God knows that answer to that one at this point in time.
I remember last year when we were home in Feb. we announced we were expecting another baby. The funny thing was so much of our future was uncertain. The way we announced Samuel's upcoming arrival was Greg was drawing a map of the US and was showing locations of where he had already had interviews with churches. This won't make any sense, but he was drawing the map to look like a woman's body. On the map or body, Oklahoma was the belly button. He was saying we may be here we may be there, but one thing we know for certain is that we will be having this in our future and he drew a little baby under the belly button. You have to understand... he was telling aunts, uncles and lots of cousins. Greg is always out for a good laugh and he got one that day. Everyone thought the map stunk but were so excited for the new addition to the family. At that time we seemed certain of the future that God for us in respect to another member, we just never realized that Samuel wasn't meant to stay with us here on earth. Now the future seems so uncertain in so many respects. One thing is certain though, we will continue to trust our Heavenly Father.
The pain is so deep. The pain is raw and intense. I don't want to waste this pain. If I am feeling this way, the Lord has to have a purpose in it. I have to admit through the tears I don't see it at all right now... but I am praying and trusting that with time some of that purpose will be revealed.
I know that these remains are only the remains of Samuel's physical earthly body, and that he is really very much alive with Christ. For that I am so thankful, but I selfishly, humanly grieve the life that was lost here with us, his earthly family. Today I am brokenhearted... I miss my son.
THE LORD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED AND SAVES THOSE WHO ARE CRUSHED IN SPIRIT. PSALM 34:18