Saturday, December 20, 2008


We have special friends at the seminary who lost their 9 year old son almost 1 year ago. Shortly after Samuel's death this dear woman emailed me, I will never forget many of the things that she shared with me. What a wise, real, honest, compassionate woman. One thing especially struck me at that time. She told me that someone had mentioned to her that there may be days that she literally had to say out loud, "Get behind me Satan!" When I first read it I just could see how someone might have to say that, but I just couldn't imagine that being me. At that time just days after Samuel's death I really wasn't questioning God. I did wonder why it happened but I think I was pretty accepting of it happening. I knew in my heart that as a Christian I am not guaranteed a life free from trial or pain. Now looking back I think I was still in shock over what had happened and the reality of our loss hadn't fully settled in.
As the days have passed the emotions change constantly and the questions have certainly come more often. I have been meaning to post about our Thanksgiving for quite some time. We had such a nice visit with family. We had not expected to see anyone for the holiday because we were anticipating just being at home enjoying our new little one. After Samuel was gone I knew there was no way I could stay here when the holiday was going to be so different than I had expected.
My parents live on a big plot of land with my 2 brother's families. My little brother and his family were also able to come down. The night before Thanksgiving we had a family Thanksgiving service at my brother Mark's house. So there were about 22 of us there with all of the kids. We sang some songs and then everyone got to share what they were thankful for this year. It was so sweet to hear of all of the blessings in everyone's lives, so precious to hear the kids giving thanks to God for various things. I was thankful for so much but just couldn't bring myself to share anything.
Then the tears came for me. Then the tears came for my little Anna who was sitting on my lap. Then the family came and surrounded our family, laid hands on all of us and prayed for us. Oh to feel the love from the body of Christ as they approached the throne of God on our behalf was such a blessing. (That has been one very difficult thing for me especially is grieving in a new place far from family.) It was an incredible time of healing for me.
My little brother later said that he had specifically asked the Lord for His words to be spoken. When he prayed he specifically was praying that the devil would not get a foothold in this situation and that he would have no power over our family. He was demanding that the devil be far from our family. I have to admit it, it needed to be said and I needed to hear it. Right away my friends words came rushing back to me... I needed to say, "Get behind me satan." At that time I just hadn't been feeling comfort from the Lord. I was feeling especially low and sometimes tormented in my grief. All I could really muster up to Him was "Help me Lord" Wow, I have never felt under attack as I have since losing Samuel. A constant struggle for me in the really rotten moments is wondering if this is just the way real grief is, this bad, or is the devil playing with me. I feel weak and powerless. I am weak and powerless. And we know that the word of God says that the devil is prowling around looking for someone to devour. He is just waiting especially for one of God's children to lose faith and be a ready target. Well, it isn't going to be me or my family I can say that much. I love that God's word also tells me that when I am weak, He is strong. When we are weak that is when God's power can rest on us. Oh I am thankful for that.
So I am taking my friends words to heart. She was so wise and right on knowing that there would come a time in my grief when I would need to tell the devil to be far from me and my family. When I am feeling especially sad I ask God... If this is a time that I should be sad then that is what I will be, but if the feelings of grief are not of him at that moment that He would take them away. I am trusting that He will be faithful to answer me. It brings me comfort to know that our God is so much more powerful than any force of evil the devil can bring our way.


Corie said...

I have been thinking of you a ton. Just checking in on you. I wanted to email but somehow lost your address. I usually keep the last email...but you know how that goes! Planning, organization! Yeah right! Praying for you tons.

Rachel said...

I am so sorry Samuel is not with you right now. I KNOW what you are thinking, feeling, wondering, and hoping for. My daughter, Felicity Faith, was stillborn on Oct. 6th, just weeks before Samuel. We didn't know she had died until she was born, I had felt her move the night before labor started. Seems like daily, I meet another believing mom who is also in these ugly shoes and I just can't believe how many are grieving a baby. I pray you will have joy during Christmas, even though you are sad. Blessings!

Lynette said...


This is Lynette, Greg's cousin. I have been reading your blog and so touched by your words. You have been in and out of my thoughts these past seven weeks. I will continue to pray for you, Greg and your children. I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through. May God's peace overshadow your sadness and I hope you and your family have a Christmas filled with many high moments and that the deep valleys of sadness are few and far between.
Christmas blessings,

Adrienne said...

Dear Sara,
I am so sorry about Samuel. I am sorry he isn't in your arms, that none of your anticipation for a little one in your arms has turned out as it should go...I am so sorry. I pray that somehow, as your heart is tenderly resting in the Lord's care, that healing will come, even in your sorrow. God's peace is truly indescribable. I pray it rests in your hearts and minds. I'll be praying for you guys as you now begin the journey of 'firsts' without him. You are brave!