Louis is such a tender hearted kid. He has really been such a huge help to me this past month. There have been mornings he has fed the little ones when I have found it hard to just get out of bed. He wrote me a note today saying that he is praying for me. I am blessed by God to have a son who has the kind of heart he does and is old enough to understand somewhat what his mother is going through. All in all the kids are doing well with the loss of Samuel. We have had more tears as of late, more questions about why Samuel had to die and I am not sure why. I think maybe the shock of his death has worn off and the reality has set in for all of us. Tonight JOJO prayed that God would give us another baby and that it wouldn't die. He has been praying for that same thing all week. So sweet to pray for another brother or sister. At the same time it just breaks my heart that my 3 year old is praying that another sibling wouldn't die. That is one thing that just tore at my heart initially was the loss this would be for my children. Today at the orthopedic Doctor, Louis told me that when the nurse asked him how many siblings he had, he answered 3 brothers and 1 sister. He said he was too choked up to tell her that one of his brothers had died. What a sweet, sensitive spirit my Louis has.
I know I mentioned about the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that has photographers who offer their services to families who have lost babies. One of their great volunteers Kaycee Deen is the one who came to the hospital the day Samuel was born and photographed our family. She and Loy, the gentleman that helped her were amazing, so respectful of our family and what we were going through at the moment. They were sensitive, kind and compassionate. They captured the only moments we had with Samuel as a family of 7. They captured all of his beautiful, precious parts. Their gift to us is priceless.
She just emailed me telling me the rest of the photos were done and she was just putting the slide show together. The further away I get from our short time with Samuel the more I realize how important those photos will be for me and my family. That day we were able to spend about 4 1/2 hours holding and just taking in every detail of Samuel and who he was. It was one of the best days and worst days of my life. The best in the sense of it being spent with him, the worst in the sense of having to say goodbye to him so soon. I inspected every inch of his sweet little body. Oh how I miss having him in my arms and looking back I wish we would have held him longer. The nurses were great and gave us all of the time we needed. I just knew as time was passing the longer I held him the harder it would be to say goodbye... it was just getting to that point. I knew if I had him any longer I wasn't going to be able to give him up. So I know now if I had held him for another 15 minutes or 5 hours it never would have been enough. I wanted a lifetime with him, how can you possibly squeeze that into 4 hours... but we sure tried.
I wanted to pass along info from our photographer to any of you who might be in the greater Tulsa area. She is a part of a group that is donating their photography services to a families that can't afford to pay for them. It is a called Giving is awesome. She will give a free photo session and $2000 worth of products to a worthy recipient, no strings attached. You can find our more information on her blog http://www.kayceedeen.blogspot.com/ She is looking for people to nominate others who might deserve and love to have such a precious gift.
Kaycee also mentioned to me in her email that she had always thought of grief as a steady climb, like a 45 degree angle going up from despair to eventual happiness. But that she now realizes it is the opposite, full of peaks and valleys. I couldn't agree more. Like I mentioned earlier that the reality of our life as it is now has set in. That child that we planned for, longed, for is gone. I am happy for Samuel in the sense that he is in eternity with our Savior. But I grieve for our loss here on earth. How I long to go back to who I was 7 weeks ago. I feel like I am a totally different person. I know that God will use the loss of Samuel to grow me, refine me, and change me. I know God is sovereign and nothing takes him by surprise... so He will use it. When I am in the valley, I don't like the life I am living now, it is despair. Greg keeps reminding me of the peaks... the better moments, the high places. This summer I was reading Hinds Feet on High Places, I only got 1/2 way through. I think its about time I pick up that book and finish it. Then maybe I will have a clearer picture of how God can and will raise me up to the high places.
OK enough rambling for one night. The Hintz crew thanks you for all of your prayers. We would love for you to continue to pray for us if you think of it. It brings us comfort and we know God answers prayers.