Wednesday, December 3, 2008




I have always wanted a large family. I am one of 5 kids, and I clearly remember on a family vacation when I was in 5th grade telling my parents I wanted 8 kids. We were driving in the car and immediately all of siblings were acting all crazy, demanding my attention, climbing all around me, they kept this up for a few minutes and then asked me, "Now how many kids do you want?" I replied, "Still 8." Then they started up with their antics and the whole scenario replayed itself until I think they gave up realizing I wasn't going to change my mind.
Since I have been married I have never really said that I want any particular number of kids. I just knew I would take whatever the Lord blessed me with, and be so very grateful. I have had numerous situations shopping lately where people have asked me how many children I have. Normally this would be such an easy question to answer. I know that I have 5 kids, they see only 4. I wonder do I actually go there and explain my situation to the checker at Walmart. I am sure I will be faced with this question over and over again. I value Samuel's life, he is just as much one of my children as are the 4 I just put to bed. So I have started to reply to people that actually I have 4 kids here with me and 1 safe in Heaven. It is kind of wild, not what they are expecting to hear, but it is the truth.
So the top picture of Anna and Jo just makes me smile. When we moved from the sem. we took Jo out of the crib thinking that the new baby would need it. We bought Anna bunk beds that she was to share with Jo. Well we could of stuck with just one bed, Anna and Jo love to be close and snuggle in the same bed. So this was how I found them the other night, sound asleep and holding hands. How precious is that?
A lot of people have said since Samuel's passing that I should be thankful for the 4 kids that I have here with me and that I am blessed. They have said it in a very compassionate way, not like it may sound. I know that I am sooooo blessed to have Louis, Caleb, Anna, and Jo with me here. I am so grateful to God for each of them. But just because I have my other kids doesn't make me miss Samuel any less, or doesn't really make the grief lessen any.
As each day passes I realize all the more that this isn't something that I will get OVER. It will be something I will get THROUGH, and only by the grace of God. My grandma Henrietta (isn't that the cutest name?) lost a son when he was around 3 years old. My mom said that she never really talked about him. I guess people didn't talk about those kinds of things back then. My uncle asked her in her last years if she ever thought about him. She said that there wasn't a day that went by that she didn't think of him.
Wow, that just struck me... I think that is how it will be for me. And you know what? I am fine with that. I want to think of my sweet 5th child and always remember the precious 9 months I had him with me. I want to look at his pictures and be in awe of the blessing Samuel was and how perfectly God knit him together. I want to remember him wiggling around inside of me. I want to cherish the times where I had the many little hands of my other children on my tummy feeling their little brother kick. What great memories, memories I will cherish for a lifetime.

1 comment:

The Rays said...

I love love love that picture of Anna and JoJo. How precious!

Thank you for sharing your heart with us Sara. You and your family are continually in our prayers.