NO WORDS

THE HOLY SPIRIT HELPS US IN OUR DISTRESS.

FOR WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD PRAY FOR,

NOR HOW WE SHOULD PRAY.

BUT THE HOLY SPIRIT PRAYS FOR US WITH GROANINGS THAT CANNOT BE EXPRESSED IN WORDS.

AND THE FATHER WHO KNOWS ALL HEARTS KNOWS WHAT THE SPIRIT IS SAYING, FOR THE SPIRIT PLEADS FOR US BELIEVERS

IN HARMONY WITH GOD'S OWN WILL.

ROMANS 8:26-27

It has been a very difficult last couple of days. I should warn you now that this isn't a pick me up kind of post tonight. If you are hoping for that you might as well just skip this one. Saturday I actually felt like I had a good day, then Sunday may have been my worst day yet. I have always considered myself to have a very strong faith, but Greg has been a rock, my rock. I may have said this before but I keep telling him that this is the worse of the for better or worse that he agreed to the day we were married. I am sure there are moments he just wants his wife back. I am sure there are times that the kids just want their mother back. I truly have never felt more love from my husband than I do now. I know he truly will do anything for me to make sure that we are really dealing with the loss of Samuel... no matter what that takes. He has been so supportive, he has sat with me for hours when the grief takes over.

I love the verse above that talks about the Holy Spirit interceding for us when we can not pray. He prays for us with groanings that can not be expressed in words. Wow, that is how I have felt the last couple of days. There have been very few words that I could say to God. It was the same way when I was in labor with Samuel. I couldn't utter anything myself. I continually asked Greg to pray and I had a great nurse named Marilyn who prayed for me throughout that morning. I know God sent her to me knowing exactly what I would need from her. Being from the north, things are definitely different here in the Bible belt. When Marilyn first introduced herself to me just hours before I delivered Samuel, I completely lost it. I was uncontrollably sobbing, and unfortunately Greg had just left the room. This poor woman who just wanted to introduce herself was met by me completely out of control. She immediately put her hands on me and was praying out loud for the Holy Spirit to comfort me. She continued to pray until I was calming down. The Lord was so gracious to bring her to me.

I have felt some of the same despair and loss of hope over the last two days. There have just been too many constant reminders in my face of what I have lost. Yesterday Greg was wise to tell me not to stay for the church service after I taught Sunday School. He knew that the references to Mary being the mother of Christ, giving birth to him, nursing him, caring for him, and then giving up her son to die would be too much for me. I had already been crying all morning. Not that I am at all comparing myself to Mary the mother of Christ. But the references to all that a new mother does and experiences with her baby would definitely have been too much.

It is a hard time of year. I have always heard that the holidays are hard for those that have lost loved ones... I never imagined how hard it could be. Anyone who knows me knows I am a very optimistic, positive person. I could never in my wildest dreams imagined myself to be feeling the way I have felt. I know that the Lord has made me a much more sensitive person through this experience.

I myself in the past have wondered what to say to people when they are grieving. I now realize that it isn't only about what you can say. It is also about just being there. I remember recently reading in Job where Job's friends finally come to him. They cover themselves with ashes and just sit with him for 7 days not saying a word because they know that his grief and despair are so deep. I am so very thankful for family and dear friends who came to us to just be with us. I will say that I love when people ask about Samuel or about how we are dealing or coping with our loss. It shows me they care. I love talking about him. I know they feel bad when I cry, but it doesn't hurt anymore to actually release the tears that are inside. I think crying helps me to heal. It hurts so much more when people ignore the obvious. It actually adds to my pain. It makes me sad to think that if it is hard for people to bring Samuel up now, why would anyone bring him up 6 months from now, when I am still grieving and still want to talk about it. I know it makes people uncomfortable but if there is one thing I would tell people, it would be to talk to the grieving person about the loved one who died. It shows that you also valued the life of that person. That has meant so much to me.

Please continue to pray for our family as we try to find our way and continue to rely on the Lord for guidance, peace and comfort as we persevere through each day.