Sunday, November 30, 2008




Wow, it is November 30th. How can a month have already passed since we held Samuel and so quickly had to say goodbye to him. Oh, how we miss him.

I said I would post pictures of the wonderful blankets our seminary friends gave to us, and here they are. We have loved snuggling as a family under the big blanket and the kids have been using their blankets every night in bed. It is such a comfort to know that our family and friends have been praying for us. When I am under that blanket it makes me smile knowing that it was made with 4 of our friends families tying and praying for the 6 of us. That is what is carrying us (and of course God's grace) through these tough days.
Speaking of carrying us, I was just talking with a friend last night who was here for Samuel's memorial service. It is just such a blessing for me to be able to talk about Samuel to people. I know many are uncomfortable around me and probably don't want to bring him up in conversation for fear that it will upset me. But I love talking about him, he is my son. Talking about him may or may not make me cry, most likely it will... but what people don't realize is that I already feel like I am crying on the inside... pretty much the majority of the time. He is constantly on my mind. Someone recently told me the more I dwell on it the harder it may be for me.(this was not the same friend:) I just had to respond that I don't feel like I am dwelling on it, it is just right there at the forefront of my mind. I think when you plan for 9 months, carry that sweet baby for 9 months and love every bit of it, you can't help but have it be so fresh on the mind. Caring for Samuel was going to be my new 24/7 job, and I couldn't wait to do it. It is still all so new and is going to take time for me to adjust to our new life without the child we were expecting to share life with now.
OK, back to my conversation with my friend last night. She was telling me what the service was like from her perspective. She was talking about how she was amazed that our family could walk in the church singing "I know that my Redeemer Lives." I told her at the time I really felt like I could sing and praise God amidst the pain I was feeling. But now looking back I don't know how we did it, how we even made it through those first few days after Samuel was gone. She just cupped her hands in front of her and and said that she knew that God was carrying us. It is so true, there is no other explanation for it. This is such a special friend to me and I was just thankful for her encouragement and listening ear and that she was willing to sit and cry with me. I know it isn't easy these days for people to be around me, but I am so thankful for those who are willing to share our memories of Samuel and walk along side me and our family as we persevere through each day.
I will try to post tomorrow about our Thanksgiving with family.

No comments: