Monday, November 17, 2008


Even Samuel's precious little feet were perfect. Wow, I look at that picture and just see the handiwork of God our creator. He doesn't make any mistakes... that is what I keep telling myself. God is sovereign and nothing takes Him by surprise. He knew the number of Samuel's days before they came to pass.
When we were in hospital already knowing Samuel was gone, the doctor did an ultrasound. While he was looking at Samuel his body had moved from a head down position to a transverse position, meaning he was laying side to side in my uterus. The doctor had hoped to induce me and start labor, but that wasn't possible if the baby wasn't head down. He spoke with another Dr. and they decided the best thing was to send me home until the baby was head down and then at that time they could induce me. (Since I have had 4 previous uncomplicated births this would be safer than doing a c-section) He said that it was safe to wait up to 3 weeks. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, were they serious? I just knew that there was no way I could go home with my 4 kids and function knowing that the child I loved and was carrying was no longer alive.
I asked the Dr. if he could try to move the baby into a head down position. He said he would try. He turned on the ultrasound machine to locate the placenta and that was when we saw the first of many little miracles of Samuel's birth. He was head down again and they could induce me right away. I labored all that night. Greg was so strong, I was an obvious wreck. The next morning when the Dr. said I could push, I felt so weak and full of fear, I just didn't think I was ready to meet my son knowing I was going to have to say goodbye to him so much sooner than I anticipated. I asked Greg to pray for me and he did as all of the Dr.s and nurses prepared for the delivery. I only pushed 3 times and out came all 9 lbs. 2oz. of Samuel.
I had cried all night. Then the strangest thing happened. Once he was out everyone else cried. For Greg this was when it became real to him that his son was gone, the Dr., the nurses, my midwife were all crying... but not me. The minute they put him on my chest all I could do was admire him. Samuel was so perfect and completely beautiful. I was utterly in awe of this wonderful creation that God had knit together inside of me. What a miracle Samuel was. Wow, I just loved looking over every inch of him. Getting to hold, snuggle and love on him was such a blessing. How I wish I could do that right now.
And that brings me to his feet. I knew this son of ours was conceived in love and was so precious to Greg and I. He is part Greg, part me, and all God. As we were looking him over, I just laughed, he had Greg's little toes. I will spare you all of the details, but they are uniquely curved to the outside and Samuel's were just like his papa's. He was precious and beautifully created even down to his little toes.
Wow, these days are difficult, so much harder than I ever imagined. I never knew such kind of pain was even possible. There are moments that I feel a hope for the future and then there are times that all I can utter is just a plea for help from our Lord. We covet your prayers as we continue day by day... sometimes moment by moment on this journey. We know that the prayers of many are what have helped sustain us over these last 3 weeks.


MamaBear said...

As a photographer I take photos posed like this often. From now on I will think of your family and especially Samuel when I create images like this one. My first born's name is Samuel so your beautiful angel tugs on my heart extra hard.

In Him,

Sheryl said...

wow! i saw your comment on mckmama's blog and just wanted to come over and tell you i am praying. your obvious joy for her in the time of your loss will be a testament to others of how much you trust the Lord.

samuel's life will indeed lead others to Christ.


Ryane said...

I admire your strength and your stability, but I know that these things too come from our Savior. Thank you for sharing with us such intimate details. I love your honesty and reality in it all. Samuel is so precious-even his little "Greg toes!" I pray for each of you and my heart hurts for you Sara. I love you so much and miss you all!

Heather said...


All I can say is "wow". You are such an incredible witness to so many women out there who have endured the same pain and suffering that you are going through right now. Your faith in God amazes me to tears. There are so many people at St. Paul's who continue to pray for you and your family.

God bless,