Capturing your grief...

Carly Marie who wrote Samuel's name in the sand for me on the beach in Australia is doing a series this month called Capture your grief... I know that I won't participate every day... but I may just do some summary posts every few days or so...

Day 2... Before the loss...

I remember taking this picture like it was yesterday... Sitting in the back of our minivan watching the kids play in the driveway just a few days before my due date... Just days... I thought maybe even just hours before our little one would be in my arms...

Day 3... After the loss

mmmm... I loved touching his soft skin and putting his head right up against my face and cheek... my big beautiful 9 lb. 2 oz Samuel.  

The pictures that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer took are some of my most treasured possessions.  And really they are pretty much the only pictures taken of me after the loss for at least 6 months... I couldn't find any others... It is amazing to me how I was a completely different person than I was in the other picture posted above... In a matter of days... complete life change... 

I am so thankful that even though I have changed... my relationships have changed... my thoughts and feelings have changed... my heart has changed... 

That the Lord NEVER changes... He is the same yesterday, today and forever!  

He was the same before Samuel died and after... 

Although to be completely honest... it took me a long time to wrestle out what my relationship with Him was gonna entail after that... I wasn't sure I could trust in His plans for me...

Oh the Lord has brought great healing to a lot of areas of life...

Day 5 Memorial... 

Just one of the things I did in memory of Samuel was to get his footprint tattooed on my foot.   I love it!  I love that it is like I have a part of him with me all the time...It also has given me so many opportunities to talk about him when I other wise wouldn't have had the chance.  Oh, how I treasure the chance to talk about him with someone who really wants to hear...still...

Another thing that we keep close are Samuel's ashes... I am so thankful that those are his earthly remains, but that his soul is safely in Heaven...

I remember the day Greg went to pick up Samuel's ashes from the funeral home... It was the same day that his death certificate came in the mail... Not a good day at all... He had a meeting that night that he wasn't allowed to miss... so in he walked with our son in a box and out he walked shortly there after.  It wasn't a good night to be alone... I know it wasn't at all his fault... Greg would have done anything for me, I know that...

 

This might be too much for some people... but it is a reality of life for me... I remember distinctly him being home later that night... I don't know what it was... but I just had to look at his ashes... It was all I had left of him in the physical sense...  Well let me just say... I was hysterical...   I was screaming for Greg from across the house ... Honestly, it is a wonder to me that I survived moments like that at all... It is only by the grace of God... It wasn't at all what I expected... in fact we almost took them back to the funeral home because it just didn't seem right for them to be how they were... I think they should have explained it all a little better in the beginning...

As much as there are times that I wish I had somewhere to visit... I love that I can walk out to our Samuel garden and feel close to him... and I am so thankful that his ashes are here with us.  I wouldn't want them anywhere else.  We were not sure we were going to be staying here when Samuel died and I could not bear the thought of leaving him here... So cremating him was by far the best option for us...  

 

This journey of grief and loss is never what I really have expected.  

Even now as we get ready to celebrate Samuel's 4th birthday in Heaven there is much processing to do.  

I mourn for some of the changes in relationships around me that I KNOW would be so different if Samuel had lived... it is hard...

Sometimes I still feel like people don't forgive me for the person that I am now and the changes that have taken place in me... I know there are many that can and do embrace me for who I am now...(And I am soooooo thankful to God for them!!)  But there are others that I think honestly don't really want much to do with me... that is hard...  You can't go back... you can't change what happened... Trust me if there was anything I could have done to keep him here... I would have...But you are left to continue on as best as you know how with a part of your heart in Heaven... not an easy task...  And I guess it is not an easy task for some to just love you for who you are and where you are at... and embrace you hurt, tears, joys, progress, healing, pain and all...

That is still something that I have to work through... 

 

I am so thankful for a Savior who knows exactly what I need... Who fills those voids when others can't... He is so good and faithful and I am so thankful for the friends and family that He has given me who have walked along side of me... 

 

 

 

Homemade Larabars:)

I love Larabars... but they are not cheap...

We are not a gluten free family... but we do try to eat healthy when we can... 

(never mind the gallon of ice cream we begged Greg to pick up on his way home last night:)

Louis and I decided we would try to make out own...

First try... 

Homemade Chocolate Cherry Coconut Almond Larabars

 Dump about 2 1/2 cups of dates into the food processor:)

(I know, strange... but to me they sort of look like cockroaches....ewwwww... I do not like dates... but I actually don't mind them in something:)

 Blend them like crazy!  Dump in a bowl...

 Chop up  1 1/2 cups Almonds, 1 1/2 cups dried cherries and 1 cup chocolate chips (separately) ... this might have been better done on a good old fashioned cutting board... We like big chunks... not bits blended into smithereens:)

 Pour all of it into the bowl... add some flaked coconut (about 3/4 cup) and mix with your hands... We tried mixing in the food processor but it was a NO GO!  So much easier with your hands... but of course, far messier!:)  We like it that way:)

 Smoosh into the bottom of a 11X7 inch pan.

Cut into 1 1/2 by 4 inch bars... We stored them in individual servings wrapped in some saran.   

I know they look terrible:( (But really so do the real deal Larabars:)

But they were really Yummy!

Louis, Levi, and I love the store bought Larabars... the others kids not so much.

All the kids were begging for these...

So I think next time we will try making them with either dried Mango, Apricots, or apples... 

We can always up the protein by adding more nuts and lowering the fruit... But for a first try they were really good:)  Now, I think we are off to have a bowl of ice cream:)  

Everything in moderation right??

 

Memorial box Monday... family building...

Take me back to the year 1992...
My boyfriend of 2 months at the time, (now husband Greg), had just been diagnosed with cancer...  He had gone home from college for Christmas vacation and wouldn't be returning...

I remember as plain as day the phone call I received from him in January 1992 about a week after his diagnosis... "Sara, they are wanting me to make some decisions to protect my ability to have children someday... what do you think I should do???"

Honestly, I almost fell over... In my head I was thinking... ok, kind of nice of him to consider asking my opinion... BUT... we had only been dating 2 months... we weren't engaged... I really didn't feel like it was  my decision to make... I remember replying that he should do whatever he felt was right...

His words regarding his decision was that if the Lord wanted him to have kids someday, the Lord would work it all out!!  (Man, the faith of my husband is shown to be sooooo strong over and over again!!!)  From there he started  4 months of chemo and 2 months of radiation...

Fast forward 3 + years... we are married... trying to conceive and getting NO WHERE!!!  Hmmmm..... we wondered what the problem was... we decided to seek some answers to why it wasn't happening for us... but we pretty much felt like we knew the answer to that question...duh!!! 

But boy, doesn't God have a sense of humor???   I still sort of find it amusing that I was the one with the problem... never would have thought that... especially since the Lord CLEARLY MADE ME A BABY LOVER!!!  I just never foresaw myself having trouble getting pregnant... but it was a problem on my end...
\
If you have never had fertility issues... count yourself soooooooo fortunate.... It is so hard... Such an emotional roller coaster each month as dreams are dashed.  As much as I knew that the Lord was in control and had great plans for me... Not getting pregnant was not part of my plan AT all!  It was heartbreaking... I so longed to carry a baby... and even today after carrying 6 babies, my heart pains when I hear of women who are having fertility problems... people can be so insensitive and have a hard time understanding that struggle if they havent' walked it themselves...  (Today I was watching a movie that had a character who was infertile... tears were streaming down my face... I remember that pain so well!)

Well fast forward almost 18 years... After many years of trying, and really much much trying for all but one of our kids, I never in a million years could have imagined how the Lord would work out His plans for our family... there has been a lot of heartache... (Oh my, the tears!!!)  a lot of healing... plans I could never have predicted... plans I still struggle to understand sometimes...

I never anticipated sub fertility (nice term huh?... that is what one doctor labeled me:) miscarriage, stillbirth, or a failed adoption due to another stillbirth to be a part of our family building story,  but it is...

And so is...

Great healing...physically and emotionally...
Adoption...
Embryo adoption...
Circumstances that have me longing for Heaven in a way I didn't know was possible...
A new family life purpose and mission...

The other day, as I am many days... I was literally over come with TOTAL gratefulness to our Lord!  I was staring at Levi, totally and utterly dumbfounded that God would give us such a gift... And as I tucked Hope in to bed and she gives me that sassy little snicker of hers... I am reminded a fresh of His gifts that we just never know could be right around the corner...

 I know that EVERY SINGLE one of my kids are a TOTAL blessing... I treasure deeply every single one!  But I think those that come after such trial tend to throw the grace and love of the Lord RIGHT IN OUR FACE!  Which I love... it helps me never take them, any one of them for granted!!!

He is soooo faithful!  He knew exactly how He would build our family... While, I would love to have every one of my kids here with me... I trust in His plan... His best plan for our lives and long for the day when we can all be together in eternity!

We are looking forward with joy to see who the next little Hintz is that the Lord has planned for our family!  What an adventure!  

 He has done immeasurably more than I could have asked or imagined... FAITHFUL GOD!!!

To read other encouraging Memorial box Monday stories go to Linny's blog at
www.aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com

October...

Today we had a pot luck at church...
Afterwards I was talking with a gal...
She told me she would be praying for me this month...
(Honestly, I sat there staring for a moment... what was she referring to???  I know what this month is... but did she???)
SHE DID... SHE REMEMBERED... She said she knew it would be a hard month... It will be... It always is...
Fall used to be my favorite season... now I still love fall... hate the feelings it brings with it...

Talked with a profs wife from seminary 2 days ago...
She wanted me to possibly contact a gal that just experienced a stillbirth a week ago...
I am more than willing...

I was trying to explain to her how it being almost 4 years since I held my Sweet Sweet Samuel seems next to IMPOSSIBLE...
It truly feels more like 1 year...
I think that because the feelings and experiences surrounding his death and birth were soooooo very intense and traumatic too, that you just don't feel those types of feelings often at all... so because of the depth of pain and the intensity of those feelings... they still seem fresh in many ways... hence the reason to everyone else 4  years seems like four years... but to me I remember it like it was yesterday... but it really feels like it COULD NOT POSSIBLY  be more than a year ago...

More than any of that ... I am sitting with tears streaming down my face because she remembered and cared enough to mention it to me... She remembered his life... As a mom who thinking of her son daily, still cries tears for him often and longs deeply for the day when there will be  NO MORE goodbyes... Her remembering his precious life meant the world to me...

So as we enter October, here's to being 4 years closer to Heaven!!  Come Lord Jesus Come!

I just stumbled across this blog project... I think I will try to participate in some of it...

 http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html  (you may need to cut and paste it to get to the site:)

Could he be any more beautiful??  

Just because... a few words...

I couldn't help posting these pics of these precious ones from almost 2 years ago...

My how they have changed... pang in my heart....

I feel like I am in over drive...

every.single.night... something BIG that HAS to be done that can't wait till tomorrow...

Thankfully God is being so gracious and holding me tight while we ride these waves of busy times...

Passports applications have been sent in for Uganda...

 Only 110 days till we leave...

Sounds like a lot, but I know it will fly by...

Going to try to make our own Larabars...

(I love those things and less and less stores are carrying them around here...) 

We will see how they turn out...

While we were out to lunch today, we tried to get our bill... 

much to our surprise, someone had already paid it....

Unreal!!!  What a surprise...

No small feat, treating our family of 8:)  What a blessing!

Then we picked up an elderly lady who was trying to hitch a ride to town...

Greg laughed that I thought maybe she could be dangerous...:)

Levi had a stomach bug yesterday.... poor poor guy...

All better today... and no one seems to have gotten it.... yet...

Praise God for big improvements for Hope yesterday at school...

this has been an adjustment...

Louis is offering to take pics of people/families to try to earn some money towards his trip to Uganda...

I am really proud of him for wanting to contribute!

Tomorrow, off to 3 soccer games and a big sleep ever here in the evening...

 and a house showing...

Fall has arrived:)

Fall has arrived...

And even though it is supposed to be over 90 here tomorrow...

We are munching up the last of the watermelons around here...

 And Levi seems to be enjoying every last bite of his favorite food:)

We have been CUH... RAZY here the past week.. But God has been so faithful to allow us to get it all done and not loose our minds while doing it:)  It just really seems like every single day there is an urgent big thing that has to get done...  I can't wait till things slow down a bit... 

I am not an on the go kind of gal... I much more prefer to hang out at home and have a leisurely day... That just hasn't been possible lately... 

After literally spending a couple of years just trying to survive... 

I know am so thankful to feel alive again...

God has been so good to bring me to this place of healing...

Don't get me wrong bringing me that healing is a process... I still have a long way to go...

I don't think I will ever be fully healed till I meet my Savior face to face...

But I am so thankful to be in the place where I feel like we can thrive again... not just survive!!

It was a lonnnnnggggg time coming....

But in feeling like we can thrive again, I feel like maybe I have bit off more than I can chew... possibly too many commitments???  I need to really pray that the Lord leads me and makes His way clear as I move forward... Does anything in the schedule need to go Lord?  I love all I am doing so much... I am so thankful to have the energy now to do it:)  But I don't want my family to suffer or to receive what is left of me at the end of the day... We will see what the Lord reveals to my heart!  

So we had 3 soccer games yesterday and all the Hintz kids scored... We celebrated with Mint oreo sundaes at home... YUMMO!!

We had the youth kids over tonight... Wow, they were really well behaved, a total pleasure to have around:)  That brought a smile to my heart!

My dinner divas class is tomorrow to the prepping starts early tomorrow in the morning...

Life is full and so busy!  But it is good...

Heading to OKC with my honey to attend the annual fundraiser for our adoption agency...

Wow, 4 hours of uninterrupted drive time with my hubby... should be nice:) That doesn't happen often...

We are so excited to be able to hear Tim Tebow's mom talk on each child being a possibility... I have heard her testimony on how doctor's encouraged her to terminate her pregnancy with Tim... but I know it is going to be a blessing to hear her in person... :)