Sunday, October 6, 2013

THAT FAMILIAR LUMP IN MY THROAT

There it is again...
That all too familiar lump in my throat...

Did you know that October is Infant Loss Awareness Month?
Do you know someone personally that has lost a baby... through miscarriage, stillbirth, in the first year of life...

If you do... please reach out to them this month... even if it is some very small way... even if only to say their babies name... I know it will mean the world to them...

I just stumbled upon a precious online project called project heal.  Check out the website at www.carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-October-2013  When I saw the website, Immediately I felt that lump in my throat...

Truth be told... it was the 2nd time I felt that lump today... As we were packing up the car to head home from the cabin we couldn't find my camera...

Then it dawned on me... I had left it in the car, in the driveway, overnight, unlocked...

Then it really dawned on me... the SD card that was in the camera had all of our pictures from when Samuel was born on it...

Do I have copies of those saved on the computer?  Yes... Do I have copies saved to a disk?  Yes, numerous discs in fact...

It still almost immediately sent me into a panic... I wanted that SD card... really I wanted the SD card more than I wanted the camera... The littlest of things that connect me to my son... I have so little that still connects me to him... each one matters so much...

Praise God Caleb found the camera within minutes... but just having to wonder where it was for that short time sent me into tears...

 I just wanted my SD card... 
I just wanted my camera...

Really I just wanted my son...

Right now I just wish he was soundly sleeping up in the boys bunk bed room with 4 of his brothers ... I just wish I could go jump in bed with him and snuggle up to his sweaty head as he breathes deeply with no clue that I am right beside him soaking him in... All of those things that I won't ever get a chance to do with him... I still miss him so much!  I am so thankful that Samuel is safe in Heaven... but right now... I just miss him, who he was... who he would have become on earth... all that he is to me... OUCH... my heart hurts...

2 comments:

Tesha Papik said...

Yes the lump is growing ever larger in my throat as delivery approaches and the thought of Jonathan fill my heart. SO glad you found your camera but even happier you choose to share Samuel with the world and help other grieving mommies!

Leanne said...

I had a similar moment a couple of months ago. I hate learning new technology, and had clung to my cell phone for almost 4 years. But when my 10 month old was choking at home, and I couldn't get my phone to turn on or then make a call, it became clear it was time for a new phone. So my husband and I went to Costco on a busy Saturday, picked out our phones, and then were going to go shopping while they got everything set up. My husband was talking to the guy at the counter about disconnecting our old phones, and when he turned around, all of a sudden I was just bawling in the isle with everyone walking by. He had no idea what just happened, until I asked, "What about the pictures?" It took him a minute to realize all of my pregnancy pictures, and our only 2 "real" (not professional) pictures of Athan were on that phone. He spent 10 minutes reassuring me the pictures were all saved at home, we could put them on my new phone...I knew all that, but finally lost it with, "But they belong on THAT phone." I'm sure the guy at the counter thought I was nuts. But, yeah, that was the phone that was with all three of us in the delivery room, and the phone I had carried with me with his pictures for almost 4 years. It wasn't easy to feel another thing in life move on without him.