Monday, October 14, 2013

My son...




Samuel Mark Hintz... my 5th born...
Born into the arms of Jesus October 29th 2008...
Born still with out a heartbeat into my arms October 30th 2008...

With the end of the month just around the corner, my thoughts go to my sweet baby Samuel... It is strange having a child that you forever see as a baby... because that is all you ever knew him as... occasionally I will get a glimpse of a dark haired little rascal running around and wonder...

There are so many things I wonder...I know and I trust in God's plan that he wasn't meant to live a long life here... but as a mom, I can't help but wonder all that he would have become, what his voice would have sounded like when he called for me, would he be calm and quiet, or rambunctious like some of the others... :):)

As the weather cools the familiar fall feeling of sadness creeps in... How could he possibly be almost 5 years old... In all reality it feels more like 2 1/2 years ago that he died... But then again there are moments where the ache in my heart and the longing just to hold him again are as if it has only been a few weeks since he was gone... grief is a strange thing... 

I struggle a bit being in a new place, having just moved, where no one knew me in the early days of my sorrow... no one here saw me walk those early days of deep sadness... They know the me now... not the me who had just handed over for the last time one of my most precious treasures, my beautiful,  9 lb. 2oz, dark haired, toes like his daddy, peach fuzzed covered face sweet bundle of my son... Tears fall now, even as I just long to hold my Samuel again...  I just wish for a moment I could hold his skin to my face... smell that sweet baby smell and soak in every bit of him all over again...

Sometimes you just long for those few familiar people who NEVER minded the tears...

When I think of those early days... even the first year... I don't even know how we survived it... Somehow, really, only by the grace of God we got school done, had meals... and made it through... even if school and other things were  accomplished while just barely hanging on by a thread...

Never have I felt more watched, judged and invisible all at the same time... strange, but true... not a fun place to be...

Even last year, after 4 years, I remember telling my home school coop ladies at the beginning of the school year... that I intended on making that the year we would not just survive, but THRIVE... I know, crazy 4 years of survival??? I am sure to some it looked like much more than survival, but at times that is really what it felt like to me...

Even now in these days, I recognize the sacred dance of grief and joy... it is all intermixed...

It is funny how my arms are now so full of littles that I scarcely can handle them all at once (when they gang up on me:) but at the same time, I long to hold and my arms ache for the one I will have to wait for eternity to hold again...

I don't want anyone to worry about us... We really are doing so well here... We are so very grateful for where the Lord has moved us... We are so grateful to be a part of a wonderful new church and to be on board with a ministry team here that is such a gift to us! Moving is hard... but so good too! 

We are so grateful to the Lord for how He has used the short life of our Samuel in ours and other's lives.  We are so grateful for how the Lord has changed us as a result of His brief time with us... So hard... but so good at the same time... There are times I just wish for the old me, the me before I walked a road of heartache...

But really I would NEVER want to be who I was... It would mean living without my son... and it would mean missing out on the most precious 9 months with him... It would mean missing out on those 5 hours of seeing him in my kid's and husband's arms... It would mean never having felt the weight of that perfectly formed creation and miracle from God in my arms...  it would mean going back to the person I was before I knew personally and lived out that the Lord could mend and heal a shattered heart...

Never once did I not believe in the saving Grace of my Heavenly Father... or did I not believe in Him and all he could do...
I knew He could do it ... I knew He would do it... I knew that He would bring good out of our loss... but at the time in my despair... no amount of good seemed worth it... not in the day and day in and out of what I was feeling...

But now when I can look back on His faithfulness...  His work to bring me up out of the mud and mire of my despair and sorrow... and even more so, to put a new song in my heart... I am AMAZED!!

I cry right now... for the way my heart still misses my son... I cry now tears of utter disbelief and joy for how the Lord has redeemed my life and healed my broken heart... He is so good... through it all... so very good! 

So there it is that daily mix of joy and pain... and it is ok... it is actually good...

Our life is beautiful... and a life of...

missing... missing our little boy... we are so grateful that he is safe in Heaven but we miss his presence here... missing our other babies lost to miscarriage and a stillbirth in the adoption process of baby Joel...

longing... longing for the JOYFUL reunion we will one day experience in Heaven...

sheer exhaustion... when I am not sure I can go on for another minutes (I know we all feel that way at times:)  I am so so thankful for each of my children... for I know that life is fragile and precious and can change in an instant... we have lived that... I know not to take it for granted...

utter gratitude... to our Heavenly Father for carrying us through dark days and allowing the joy... His joy to shine in our hearts again... We are living a full life and we are so thankful...

Today is National infant loss and awareness day... so today we remember our precious Samuel, baby Joel, and the sweet little baby we miscarried in February 2010... I can not wait to scoop them all up in Heaven and have them show me around...
 

 
My absolute favorite picture of my first five gifts!
 

 
Thankful for the gift of a husband who isn't afraid to walk along side of me through the hardest of days and the best of days...

2 comments:

Shelley Faust said...

I just love you. And miss you. Sigh...

Tesha Papik said...

So beautifully said my friend. Samuel will always be loved and remembered. He is a blessed boy to have such a wonderful family. Thank you for sharing your heart and always being truthful, open and real. You are such a blessing to me!