a groaning...

Just the other day we had a gal to our house to help us with some house things and as we made our way from room to room she kept asking me questions about all of our kids.  She had also adopted.  She actually adopted through CPO many years ago... so we had an instant connection.  She was  a total stranger moments before but the more we talked as we walked around the house the more we connected...

When we came to the family room where the picture above sits enlarged on the mantle... I asked her, "Do you think people will mind looking at that?  Will they be able to tell that is Samuel and he isn't alive??"  She just lingered staring at the picture and let out a long GROANING...  "How do you survive something like that?"... It was all that she said...

Even now as I remember her groan, I feel the lump in my throat and my eyes are filling with tears... She engaged, she felt it full on and it made her groan... and it touched my heart... In that moment, one of my first thoughts was how the Holy Spirit will groan in prayer for us when we can't utter a word... He knows... and I am so thankful for that... that He is interceding for us when we are unable to utter the smallest/shortest of prayers.  I have been there...

Only by the grace of God is how you survive it... that is it!!  You survive it, but you still feel it... you still remember those horrific graphic memories 3 1/2 years later like it was a few months ago... .
 Since she was here, I have thought about it a lot... She mentioned later that when she had one of her babies, she had been pregnant with a friend.  That friend ended up having a still birth... She has yet to really talk to that friend in the last 15 years... She has tried, but the friend couldn't  reengage in the friendship...

While I totally get that, in fact there were friends I needed to have a little space from... I have since been able to reengage with mostly all of them... except for the ones that don't really want to reengage with me... :(  Sad, but true... I totally understand how hard and awkward the circumstances can be, but my hope is always for reconciliation at some point, a whole lot of grace, and love being shown on each end... It just isn't easy any way you slice it... but I think to strive towards those things would help in most efforts to reconcile with someone:)

Interesting circumstances the last few days...

I had that conversation with that gal at my house.

Then last night while purging and going through things in my closet I went through part of my Samuel bag... Many tears...

This morning in church they played the video to "He Knows My Name" the video Greg played during the service and sermon he preached 3 days after Samuel died.

Then the scripture today was the one where Jesus is talking about the joy that comes after the sorrow... He specifically mentions the pregnant woman who is sorrowful because her time has come to give birth... but then the joy that completely comes when she sees the results of her labor...  OUCH!  That one is ALWAYS a difficult one to hear still... Two of my precious girlfriends could see I was struggling and came and sat by me... Friends that know me... I love it... It is a rare find...(Thanks girls, you know exactly who you are:)

So tonight, I am thankful for the Holy Spirit groaning on our behalf when we can't even do that...  I am thankful for the loving, supportive groans of a new friend... And the warms loving, warms arms of friends to surround me in those tough moments...  God you are so good to provide all these things...

LET THE CRAZINESS BEGIN:)

 Our sweet Hope Jubilee...OH MY... in the car today, she had us all in stitches between the crazy eyebrow movements and jamming to the music... She has the moves and it is hilarious!  And at dinner she snapped her fingers... That is the earliest I have ever seen a kid snap their fingers... Funny girl!

Then there is Jojo... Here we are in crazy mode at the house and there is Jo sitting quietly on the couch in his own world reading this Titanic book... It is HUGE... He was totally into it... That isn't exactly normal for him to pick up a big book like that, but he is especially interested in the Titanic...What a kid!

So my in-laws arrived yesterday and we have been working ever since.  PURGING, CLEANING, REARRANGING... there is much to be done around here and G's mom is really good at that kind of thing.  We are so thankful to have their help. 

I think I took my fourth trip to Goodwill today... And I am not taking small loads in my 12 passenger van... It feels so good to get rid of stuff.  We have a long way to go... but we are heading in the right direction.  

This week will be crazy... Tuesday will be a BIG day for our crew... Hope to let you know more on that in the near future... Tues./Wed. is the local home school conference, G has to travel later this week, and the older boys soccer coach is hoping to make up 4 games this week... We will see how that pans out:)  And we have another iron in the fire... that would boost the crazy factor around here even a bit more... but in a good way:)

Even in the midst of the craziness... we are blessed and so thankful... 

Anyone else feel like life has gotten crazy???

Praying you all have a great weekend:)  Much love!

Outside schooling:)

We have had such unbelievable weather this past couple of weeks... So even though we still have about 5 weeks left of school work to do, we are taking it outside.  We just couldn't resist... Here in Oklahoma, this is the nicest part of the year... Knowing that the 100 degree weather is just around the corner, we are making the most of what we have right now:)

Everyone has enjoyed being outside, even little Levi... He is still working on cutting all 4 of those molars.  Poor little guy :(  have broken through a little, but they have a ways to go... 

When I look at that sweet little face... I can not help but be AMAZED at God's goodness to us!  He has brought us through such sorrow and blessed us with Hope and then Levi... He is such a miracle and gift... We continue to stand in awe of God's creative work in connecting us with his donor mom and breathing life back into that which was frozen for 5 years...

We have an incredible, miracle moving God!!!  Blessings on your Monday...

MY LIFE... one I never expected...

I am joining up to Kelly's Corner today for a blog link up with other moms who have lost children. 

Since moving to our new home almost 4 years ago, we lost our precious son Samuel at 40 weeks due to a cord accident.  We then lost the baby we were to adopt 8 months later... we named him Joel and he was also stillborn, but at 28 weeks.  The following Feb. I also experienced an early miscarriage.  If you want to read more about those earlier days in our grief... just go to my archives and start reading from November 08...

We have since been blessed through the miracle of adoption with our daughter Hope and through embryo adoption with our son Levi... God has been so faithful to carry us through these hard and joyous times...

When I saw the link up I think I immediately went to my early days of grief and these are some of my thoughts... (By the way, I am praying for all you ladies in the link up... that the Lord will continue to carry you and sustain you in the ongoing sorrow and missing you have, when one of our precious children dies)


In my early days of grief, being in a new city with only one friend nearby,who lived about 40 minutes away, I found SO MUCH comfort and encouragement online reading the blogs of others mommies who had walked this heartbreaking loss before me. 

I was amazed that somehow they had survived and even thrived after living through the pain I was experiencing... The strange thing was... before Samuel died, I felt like I was making friends or that people wanted to be my friend.... but after he died it was a different ball game. 

I can see now, that people probably NEVER intended to leave me alone in my grief,  I am sure they thought that I had other people here... but I didn't.  I know that it was an extremely uncomfortable situation for many... I hate to say it, but being the person who made everyone uncomfortable, I think I was the MOST uncomfortable... the funny thing was all I wanted to do, was be able to talk about him, my son, my Samuel, my precious baby, show his pictures, talk about our time with him, but I think I could count on one had the amount of times I had to do that in about 5 months (besides my one friend here or with God sends online or by phone:)

I am not sure I have mentioned this ever here... but one thing that I was shocked by was the hit being "alone" in my grief took on me.  I am not an overly confident person... but fully confident in my place with my Savior and who He made me... but to have people just vanish, so to speak... left me feeling so worthless as a person.  On top of the extreme sorrow and pain, I was feeling like I didn't matter.    I could not understand how literally tears could be ignored, walked by day after day or week after week... I just couldn't get it....still don't really...  (I try to put the best construction on it, think the best thought, give total forgiveness even when they don't realize the hurt it caused:) and I think me being the type of person that will ask a total stranger in the bathroom if they are alright, if I see them crying, added to my bewilderment. 

I am so thankful to be filled with joy these days,  but honestly, the pain of that rejection is still there to a degree...  I know that God will use even that hurt now...

So, all of that being said... I have told G over and over again that I don't ever want someone to go through that hurt and pain alone... I want the body of Christ to BE what the body should be!  Bearing one another's burdens, carrying their sister's and brothers when needed and really just being there, truly being there in the flesh to walk along side through the trials of this life...

Thank the Lord that he provided a safe spot to share, unload,  and process... with a few close friends, my mend group, some family, and new amazing moms who were either walking this journey with me or had in the past. 

That is the reason I wanted to link up... If somehow, someway, someone who is walking this road, fresh in their grief, might somehow be encouraged to press on... keep walking bit by bit through the fire I want to make myself available... let my pain encourage someone else that it will get better... somehow with the Lord's help, you will survive this... you will get through it... you will come out the other side still missing that loved child, loving them even more... but you will get through the deep despairing moments... He will carry you!

Sweet Little Gourd:)

This sweet little guy, whom has somehow received the nickname "Gourd":)  I think from the little watching Veggie Tales, is cutting four molars... He is not happy today... Poor little man.  These pictures were taken sometime in the last week when he was in a better mood than today.  We are praying that they come in quick so that he is feeling back to his perky, happy, easy going self:)

G is gone for the next couple of days so the kids and I are doing a major OVERHAUL of the older boys room.  We rented a movie for the littles and the big boys and I are going to hit it hard tonight... Ahhh, I am dreading it, but it has to be done ASAP:)  I got the little girls room done last week and it is SO nice to walk in their room now... when things are decluttered so is my mind:)  My goal:  bit  by bit cleaning, purging, donating to people who need it more than I, and in turn freeing myself from all of this STUFF that so easily entangles me:):)

I am so excited, if that is the right work I am not sure, to do my "One Thousand Gifts" book discussion on Sunday mornings at church.  It is by Ann Voskamp and honestly, the book is amazing... amazingly challenging, amazingly hard on my heart, and amazingly beautiful.  She writes in such a poetic way, which normally I wouldn't understand, but for some reason it is ALL so applicable to me.  I think it is because she has experienced loss and I so relate to so many of her thoughts and feelings.  It is like she has looked into my heart or something.   I am excited to see what the other ladies think... It will be interesting for sure... It is a perspective changer for me for sure...

Much love friends!

Wild woman tamed:)

This sweet but wild little girl spent her first night in her big girl bed...

I know she is older than all of the rest of ours to finally make that move.

But anyone who knows her understands why... she is in CONSTANT motion and when she is in motion  she needs to be watched 24/7:)

Well, she made it all night long and didn't get out once.  When her stuffed animal fell out, she didn't get out to get it, but called for us to help.  She had promised that she wouldn't get out... This is a huge accomplishment for this little sweetie... She is so incredibly smart, but she tends to push the envelope at every turn so we were so excited that she made it.   We are so proud of her today!  WOOHOO!!! Way to go Hopie!

Moving along and praying for safety...

 Papa chilling with Anna, Hope and Levi

 Too sleepy to eat another bite:)

Jojo and Lilly at the Tulsa zoo... we are trying for an arranged marriage with these 2... and I think they are both game:)


Life is crazy busy these days...

Lots of irons in the fire...

Winds of change in the air on a few different fronts...

I would share, but I think people will think we are crazy... actually maybe we are, but we love it!

God is so very faithful through the craziness of life... (Was getting to know a friend here today, she hadn't ever heard about our Samuel... I was so struck by her care and concern and also by the fact that she knows someone extremely close to her that lost her marriage through a similar situation to ours... I am so very thankful that the Lord has drawn Greg and I closer through life's circumstances... It was extremely painful, difficult , a ton of work but we are so blessed:)

Dinner Divas had us crazy insane busy on Monday... BUT IT WAS FUN!!  And as a result I have our meals for Colorado packed and frozen, ready for the crock pot:) Yay for more time with friends, hiking, playing and less time in the kitchen on vacation:)

We are expecting severe weather over the next few days... After Joplin, people are taking these warnings and prep times pretty seriously!  I just got in from chatting with the neighbor about hiding out in their cellar again if need be... They are so gracious!  Please pray that we don't have any serious tornadoes...


Ok, gotta run and get a bag packed for the shelter... reality here... Samuel's ashes, our pictures on disks... a few important papers and the family  (Well they won't fit in the bag:) ... That is all that really is worth saving:)

HE IS RISEN!

HE IS RISEN... HE IS RISEN INDEED... HALLELUJAH!

Rejoicing today that because of what Jesus has done on the cross...

We will spend eternity with Him!

I am so thankful that because of the cross, I will see my Samuel again...

That too is cause for rejoicing!!



BEHOLD HE COMES...

Wow, were we blessed with an amazing sunset last night...

Levi was fussing during and Anna went out on the back porch to give him a change of scenery and she came back in and said, "You all need to come out here!!"

One of the kids brought up the song "Days of Elijah" where it quotes the scripture...

BEHOLD HE COMES, RIDING ON THE CLOUDS..

What a glorious day that will be! 

We were discussing how so many times the clouds and the sun shining through remind us of Heaven and of course makes us think of Samuel. 

We had a funeral at church on Monday and they did a balloon release afterwards... As I was gazing up and watching the clouds float higher and higher one of my friends just look at me with caring and knowing eyes... " You do a balloon release for Samuel each year, don't you?" 

I love how God gives you those moments with those friends who know you well enough to just KNOW... I can not tell you how much such a small comment like that means to me... Mentioning my son's name... showing that you still care about him and us... Honestly, these days I get more choked up when someone shows that they still remember our son and our missing him... I don't know why it strikes me in such a profound way...

Thanking God for the amazing small and HUGE WAYS that God shows us His glory each day... And for how He sends those beautiful nuggets of love or care from one of His children to touch our hearts when we need it....

At a loss

There is a certain situation I have been struggling with for so long...

Lots of efforts have been made towards working towards healing...

Yet, the actual healing of this relationship seems elusive...

My heart hurts for I KNOW this can't be the Lords will...

Would you pray with me for the Lord to perform a miracle...

For Him to have His own way... For us and others to be moldable clay in the potters hands...
For willing hearts who are willing to do the hard work that restoration takes...

I just can't shake this need... That this has to be Gods work...not mine...
Thanks for praying friends...