Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Why today???



Grief is such a strange and overwhelming thing sometimes...
My arms are so full ...
My heart is so full of love for all my kids...

But my heart has been tugging especially a lot lately for Samuel...
Why... I am not sure... I can't put my finger on it...

Is it because my partner has been gone for almost 2 weeks and I am just needing his touch and listening ear?

Is it because Levi is almost a year old (IMPOSSIBLE in my mind???) and I know that the babyhood stage in this home is most likely coming to an end... at least from my womb:(:(:( ?

Is that I have had a couple of people mention him recently and it made my heart swell with love for my 5th born?

Is it because I had a sweet precious cousin mention to me that she has had dreams of her son with my Samuel playing...

I long for a dream like that... just to see what he may look like... (God knows why I haven't ever dreamt of Samuel... I think the disappointment of waking up would be too hard... not to see that precious little guy till heaven again... I know that sounds bad and I don't mean it that way... I would wake up the joy and thankfulness of another day... but I know it would be hard at the same time)

I am amazed that the longer I get from Samuel... my love for him still grows...

I know many won't understand this at all... And that really is ok... The Lord is working on my heart big time... There is  much forgiveness... regardless of whether or not there has been apolgies or repentance, but if I am honest it still stings at times... Thank God He is healing me...

I am ok with being where ever the Lord wants me on this grief journey 3 1/2 years out...

I have seen the incredibly beauty the Lord has brought out of my precious Samuel's short life...
I wouldn't want it any other way for him... He is enjoying sweet communion with our Jesus...

Selfishly, I do long for a different reality here sometimes... Oh to have them all here with me...
Samuel... and Hope... and Levi...

Some sweet day... all things will be made new...
So thankful he is in the Lord's hands till he can be in mine again...





1 comment:

Tesha said...

So Beautiful..thank you so much for sharing about you grief. I have come to your blog before but never left a comment. My son Jonathan was stillborn 1-24-12. It has been a difficult journey of grief for me. I do trust the lord it just hurts so bad. So many people do not understand. I am so happy you said your love for him continue to grow...I know my love for Jonathan will continue to grow also. I love the poems on your side bar many people that love me you could benefit from reading them.