IN MY ARMS

I had the realization during my night away with Levi, that this year remembering Samuel's birthday was different.  This year I have a baby in my arms.  I will say it again and again, that Levi could NEVER replace Samuel... they are both my precious sons... both so incredibly sweet and special in their own ways.  (I mention that again because I know people have said it, implied it, and just in general have a misconception about that)  I love them both so much... I wanted them both:) 

One of the things about losing a baby is that you plan and anticipate having that baby as a part of your daily life for the 9 months that you carry them.  Since I was planning on being home with Samuel... I planned that my daily routine would be primarily taking care of him.  Newborns need almost 24/7 care.  I knew my other kids would need me, but they were also more independent.  I planned on schooling them, reading to them, playing with them, but thought that would all be done with a little one in my arms.  So when Samuel died my arms literally ached, ached with a pain I never thought was possible... I felt like the main things I planned on doing in those months was gone... I missed nursing a baby, holding, cuddling, comforting, rocking... all of it... and it hurt so bad.  On top of that I missed all that he would be to our family as our son and brother. 

This year though with Levi here, my arms are finally full.  I am busy caring for a baby, nursing a baby, loving on a baby, snuggling, comforting... all of those things I love to do and treasure doing.  So a part of my heart still misses that I didn't get to do that all with Samuel, but I am doing it in the here and now with Levi, and I love it, and am so thankful to be doing it ALL. 

So this year with Samuel's birthday I don't find my arms aching for that baby... I do find arms aching for the 3 year old that should be running up, barreling me over to hug me... And I miss HIM... who he would be at 3, all that he would be to our family now and in the 3 years past...

But I am so thankful that my arms don't ache like they did... They are full of a beautifully, uniquely, miraculously created gift from God... And I am soooo thankful...