Thursday, August 18, 2011

REALITY...


Wow, I have thought about posting the last few days and have struggled with how to put out what is really in my heart.

My heart has been heavy... a family from church has a daughter that just delivered a baby girl yesterday... she was 23 weeks along. They had just gotten a fatal diagnosis for their daughter 2 weeks ago. I have cried many tears for them... knowing how much different their lives will be from here on out; knowing how much sadness they will be experiencing; knowing the torment and despair that can be consuming at times when you lose your child. Please pray for the Lord's peace to cover them during this time.


I have cried more tears in the last week than I have in the last few months. Honestly, there is a part of me that is struggling.
I had a couple of comments that were said to me while on vacation that hurt this mama's heart. It was clear that in the moment that the comments were said that this person literally had forgotten about Samuel...clearly forgotten him... this wasn't a person that I would ever think could forget about His life... but they did... in the moment they did:( And OUCH!!! it hurt!
 
 
Then there is the comparing of grief or loss... that somehow it would have been harder to lose a child that lived for a couple of hours versus not living beyond the womb....
The ironic thing was that I had just the day before had a conversation with my sister and mom about how I was doing in regard to Samuel... I was telling them how when I look at Levi I am just amazed by the little things, watching his chest rise and fall, seeing him blink, wiggle, or flinch...I never got to see even the slightest movement from Samuel... I wish I had been able to... even if for just a couple of hours...
 
 
I struggle with knowing that this person would NEVER intend to hurt me... I know that...I love this person so much and I know that they love me just as much:) But it still hurt... It still hurt to have the loss of my son minimized and to have it literally forgotten in that moment...
I get that for others it will never be the loss that it is to me... I understand that fully and don't hold that part against them at all...
 
 
I do not want people to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me...I have heard that before...I know people will make mistakes in what they say to me...it is inevitable and truly I still want people to talk to me about him :) (I guess the difference is when the person who said something not so good realizes how they said it or what they said versus not thinking a thing of it.... does that make sense??) It is one of those sticky situations to have to process and have to maybe respond to.
The reality is that it still hurts to walk this life here on earth without one of my kids with me... I still miss him... I still want his short life to matter to others besides me...I don't think that any of that will ever fully change...
 
 
This week I also had some very strong feelings confirmed in my heart... I knew I had been talked about badly by people... I just felt it for a long time...
(I had to come back and rewrite this part of this post...)
 
 
If you have followed my blog for any length of time you know how hard church was for me that first year, even to the point of the kids and I attending else where for a couple of months. You know how alone I was in my grief while there...
Basically, it has come to my attention that people were talking about me, my blog (it being wrong for me to share the inner most hurting parts of my heart in a public forum... that should have been kept private in their opinion) that it was taking me too long to grieve the life of my son. I know it was said in a public place to many people. (The sort of funny thing is that I am sure it has happened soooo many more times than I am aware of...:)
 
 
I am soooooo incredibly thankful that the Lord has brought more healing to my heart with time.... I can totally deal with hearing it... it won't put me in a bad place emotionally like it would have in that first year. But it still is sort of like salt in the wound, a bit of a knife in the chest...it still hurts.
 
 
It is still hard to accept that in my pain others felt fine to judge me, point fingers, and not at all try to help or be there for me.... It is a little hard to accept that there are people that are that mean...OUCH!
 
 
So here I am almost 3 years later pondering how to process these difficult things. Any other mommas out there who have lost children want to share how they let things like this just roll off their back?
 
 
I know I need to just pray for them.... pray that somehow the Lord would prick their heart and grow them when and how He wants to... it isn't my job...
 
 

I think it has been just the combination of all of these situations and circumstances that has allowed that ache in my chest to return... And I can't help but think of the fact that in just 2 months it will be 3 years with out him... I get a lump in my throat just thinking that it has been that long since I held him in my arms, smelled his wet hair...
But in the same instant, I have to just remind myself that I am 3 years closer to eternity where there will be no more goodbyes...
All of this growing, stretching, aching, longing, hurting... all because of one precious little baby boy the Lord graciously allowed me to carry for 40 weeks and 1 day... I would not trade one second of Samuel's sweet short life...
I miss him...

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

So sorry you are hurting today. My heart aches for you. See you soon for a big hug! love maryandchris

Z is for Ramble said...

Prayers for you this week and that family who lost their precious daughter/granddaughter. (((Sara)))

Lisa said...

Oh Sara, tears are rolling down my face while I write this. I am so sorry for all of the people who don't understand what you have been through and that are placing judgment on you.

We will celebrate our sweet little Jackson's 2nd Heavenly birthday soon and my heart aches today just like it did two years ago. We love him so much!

I am sorry that someone forgot about Samuel.

In regards to those who have questioned your blog, please know that it has been a tremendous inspiration for me to be able to see the journey that you have been on and appreciate your openness about Samuel and grief. (I suggests thoes who don't like it or are going to gossip about it- stop reading it! ;))

You are a wonderful mother to all your children and that is what matters most!

We will keep you in our prayers! Hugs- Lisa

Blessed said...

This may sound like a cliche, but from what I have read of your blog so far, you hurt so much because you love so much. Love is who you are, and having a child missing is like missing part of yourself.

I am brand new to your blog, but your heart is so beautiful here, and your vulnerability too, since it encourages others in their own pain and processing.

with a hug from california,

blessed

Heather said...

Sara,

I'm sorry to hear that your heart has been hurting. I can't even imagine what it's like to be a pastor's wife and the unrealistic expectations some people may have of you. Perhaps there's something in your future that God has planned for your family that will encourage happier times;).

Luv ya,
Heather

Leanne said...

Your story has been an encouragement to me in a few ways. First, to see how the Lord has carried on His plans for your family, how He has brought new joy and blessing. Second, to see that pain still comes alongside those joys.

It has been 1.5 years since we lost Athan. I had a good friend say something similar to how much of a blessing it was that he was gone before we saw him alive. Almost everyday, I stare at his picture on the wall and wonder...what did his eyes look like, what is it like to have a baby (I had an emergency c-section), who was he, would I have loved him more if I could have held him alive? What I would give for 10 minutes with him - a real memory of him. I also continue to hear from many friends how life-changing it is to become a parent, all the things they are learning...without any acknowledgement that we were once standing on that threshold as well. I just let everything go, I guess because it is easier. The deeper hurts, I bring to my husband because it helps so much to hear he still hurts too.

We still hurt. We still hope. And your family has been part of that hope for me.

jason.juliedulin said...

People are crazy & insensitive. Four years later i am still stunned when people say stupid things. I have all kinds of great come backs in my head until one of those most hurtful comments actually confronts me...and I stand there trying desperately to hold it together.
Sometimes I think I should just break down in tears to make that person feel bad too. But other days, the sane & rational ones, I remember what a blessing our Nate continues to be. We prayed for him & God gave him to us for 9 months. God picked me to be Nates mom! Then I feel so grateful & could care less what those other people think or say about me. Our heavenly father knows it still hurts. He knows we still miss him. Father's plan for our family includes a heavenly reunion. He knew our family needed Nate to be our firstborn, and he knows I'll never understand it this side of our reunion.
I'm so sorry Sara. I guess all that is to say that I understand how you feel. I'm so grateful God put us in eachothers path. Our boys lives are amazing. Its easier for me to focus on their reality than unkind people.
I LOVE YA GIRL! And I'm so thankful for Samuel's amazing little life. He's quite a special little guy!

Anonymous said...

Think about how many people your walking this out on your blog has touched. I think you have been graceful and strong throughout this very painful loss. I am sorry that others don't see it that way. I am also sorry for the family that lost their child this week. So much pain.

As far as people speaking negatively of you, I read this blog the other day and it ministered to me greatly. http://www.gradydoctor.com/

In case she updates her blog, it is titled Leave it to the Professionals.

I have severe social anxiety and I am too often lost in fear of what others think so I don't put myself out there as much as I probably could. I have been toying with joining the PTA of one child's school this year. The thing keeping me from it is the fear of others talking disparagingly about me behind my back. I realize, they are going to and I can live in fear of it or I can know who I am and ignore it. The Word says, "the fear of man is a snare." I am thinking it is time I refuse to be snared. Their opinion isn't what's important. My Abba loves me and that is all I need to know.

Hold your head high. You are the daughter of the King and He says you are more valuable than rubies.

Anonymous said...

Sara,
I wish I would have known you 3 years ago! You are an incredibly inspiring woman and mother! All I can say is that I love you! I'd love to hear about Samuel anytime you'd like to talk about him. I'll be praying for you and the family at church.
Leslie King

TTUGeek84 said...

I don't know who it is at church that makes these comments or feels that way, but they are not representative of the whole of us. About 6 years ago I lost my dad's side of the family all within 13 months (gramma, grampa, and uncle), and even now there are some days when I miss them so terribly and it takes all I have to keep it together. Grief is something we can't put timelines on or standardize.

I for one am so glad to have you and your whole family at our church, and your blog is such an inspiration to so many. Keep doing your thing and we'll keep reading it!

Lisa said...

Thank you for always being so real. You're a beautiful person and a wonderful example. I can't completely empathize b/c I have never gone through this type of loss, but I am/have always been amazed by reading your blog and applaud your boldness in being honest. God has done awesome things through you and will continue to. I tell many people about you b/c I think you're incredible. Love in Christ!!

mom2many said...

I believe that all loss is the same...it's the recover that is different! Had I lost my then 13 year old daughter, that recovery would have been much different than losign my 2 year old baby. Losing my husband would have been much different than losing my child. BUT...it's still a loss and loss is painful, no matter what the age! The loss of a baby before birth/at birth is a loss of dreams (as are other losses) and then you have to deal with people who don't consider that baby "real" because they never saw that baby or you were never able to bring him/her home. I don't really have any advice for you other than you aren't alone, those types of things just don't bother me as much...on the outside anyway! I am taking some time off of church so that I can focus on my family (my littles and their issues that are surfacing) so I know a little how you feel. I don't need to be judged because I feel led to keep my children home on Sunday and Wednesday nights during this season. I love you, Sara! Hang in there!

Ebe said...

Sara, I feel you. Really. I'm so sorry you found out that people have been so cruel and unfair to you. It's not right to judge grief or compare/trivialize losses. It's in everyone's heads, unfortunately. I hate it.
Being a pastor's wife - in- training, it scares me to think of what people may say or think about me, but I guess I'm getting used to it after 3.5 years of people judging my grief over Owen.
: (
I love you, Sara. You are a great encouragement to so many. God uses you and your family mightily.

love,
ebe

Cecilia said...

Yes, I feel judged sometimes. I honestly think in some ways it gets worse the farther from E's Heavenly b-day we get because some feel like life should have moved on by now. Know you are a great example for others, and your honesty is just what many need to hear. God made ALL our emotions, and I don't think it's wrong to feel them. So sorry for your hurt!