REALITY...

Wow, I have thought about posting the last few days and have struggled with how to put out what is really in my heart.

My heart has been heavy... a family from church has a daughter that just delivered a baby girl yesterday... she was 23 weeks along. They had just gotten a fatal diagnosis for their daughter 2 weeks ago. I have cried many tears for them... knowing how much different their lives will be from here on out; knowing how much sadness they will be experiencing; knowing the torment and despair that can be consuming at times when you lose your child. Please pray for the Lord's peace to cover them during this time.

I have cried more tears in the last week than I have in the last few months. Honestly, there is a part of me that is struggling.

I had a couple of comments that were said to me while on vacation that hurt this mama's heart. It was clear that in the moment that the comments were said that this person literally had forgotten about Samuel...clearly forgotten him... this wasn't a person that I would ever think could forget about His life... but they did... in the moment they did:( And OUCH!!! it hurt!

 

 

Then there is the comparing of grief or loss... that somehow it would have been harder to lose a child that lived for a couple of hours versus not living beyond the womb....

The ironic thing was that I had just the day before had a conversation with my sister and mom about how I was doing in regard to Samuel... I was telling them how when I look at Levi I am just amazed by the little things, watching his chest rise and fall, seeing him blink, wiggle, or flinch...I never got to see even the slightest movement from Samuel... I wish I had been able to... even if for just a couple of hours...

 

 

I struggle with knowing that this person would NEVER intend to hurt me... I know that...I love this person so much and I know that they love me just as much:) But it still hurt... It still hurt to have the loss of my son minimized and to have it literally forgotten in that moment...

I get that for others it will never be the loss that it is to me... I understand that fully and don't hold that part against them at all...

 

 

I do not want people to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me...I have heard that before...I know people will make mistakes in what they say to me...it is inevitable and truly I still want people to talk to me about him :) (I guess the difference is when the person who said something not so good realizes how they said it or what they said versus not thinking a thing of it.... does that make sense??) It is one of those sticky situations to have to process and have to maybe respond to.

The reality is that it still hurts to walk this life here on earth without one of my kids with me... I still miss him... I still want his short life to matter to others besides me...I don't think that any of that will ever fully change...

 

 

This week I also had some very strong feelings confirmed in my heart... I knew I had been talked about badly by people... I just felt it for a long time...

(I had to come back and rewrite this part of this post...)

 

 

If you have followed my blog for any length of time you know how hard church was for me that first year, even to the point of the kids and I attending else where for a couple of months. You know how alone I was in my grief while there...

Basically, it has come to my attention that people were talking about me, my blog (it being wrong for me to share the inner most hurting parts of my heart in a public forum... that should have been kept private in their opinion) that it was taking me too long to grieve the life of my son. I know it was said in a public place to many people. (The sort of funny thing is that I am sure it has happened soooo many more times than I am aware of...:)

 

 

I am soooooo incredibly thankful that the Lord has brought more healing to my heart with time.... I can totally deal with hearing it... it won't put me in a bad place emotionally like it would have in that first year. But it still is sort of like salt in the wound, a bit of a knife in the chest...it still hurts.

 

 

It is still hard to accept that in my pain others felt fine to judge me, point fingers, and not at all try to help or be there for me.... It is a little hard to accept that there are people that are that mean...OUCH!

 

 

So here I am almost 3 years later pondering how to process these difficult things. Any other mommas out there who have lost children want to share how they let things like this just roll off their back?

 

 

I know I need to just pray for them.... pray that somehow the Lord would prick their heart and grow them when and how He wants to... it isn't my job...

 

 

I think it has been just the combination of all of these situations and circumstances that has allowed that ache in my chest to return... And I can't help but think of the fact that in just 2 months it will be 3 years with out him... I get a lump in my throat just thinking that it has been that long since I held him in my arms, smelled his wet hair...

But in the same instant, I have to just remind myself that I am 3 years closer to eternity where there will be no more goodbyes...

All of this growing, stretching, aching, longing, hurting... all because of one precious little baby boy the Lord graciously allowed me to carry for 40 weeks and 1 day... I would not trade one second of Samuel's sweet short life...

I miss him...