Monday, August 30, 2010

WHERE I AM AT THESE DAYS....





I just can not get over his round cheeks, precious little lips and his sweet sweet face. Man, how God created him... it just doesn't seem possible that he wasn't meant to stay on this earth longer for us to enjoy:)




I mentioned back a bit that I was on the Advisory Board for MEND, my infant loss support group. We are having our fundraising Bunco Bash in about 2 1/2 weeks. So we have been trying to get donations of prizes from different restaurants,, stores etc... I know this may sound crazy... but I have actually enjoyed it... and I think the reason is that I have been able to tell Samuel's story over and over and over again... Of course with that sometimes comes some awkwardness but also with it has come many loving replies, even some sharing their own stories of their daughter's stillbirth 13 years ago... still hurting this long after... I TOTALLY get that.




I am so very thankful for the healing that the Lord has done in my heart. Honestly if I look back to a year ago... anticipating Samuel's first birthday in Heaven... my heart hurt constantly... truly constantly, there was just pain in my chest continually. Some say the 2nd year is harder after a loss because the fog is gone. Thank God that hasn't been the case for me... but let me tell you I grieved so deeply and intensely that first year, I think I did exactly what the Lord's plan for my grief journey was. And oh... my .... did it hurt, like crazy hurt I never knew was possible. Now as I think of meeting my precious little boy 22 mos. ago, my heart is filled with many different emotions. ( I am sure some think it is crazy that I am still posting about him... but that precious Samuel was a LIFE CHANGER for me, and of course I would still post about something so HUGE in my life)


Tonight when I was going for a walk with Jojo and Hope, Jojo said, "Mama, I miss Samuel." I asked him, if he thought about him sometimes. His response was, "All the time mommy, you can't see it on the outside of me, on my skin, but on the inside, my heart is really sad." I could not believe it... I thought that was pretty deep and insightful for a 5 year old... and it made my heart really hurt for him. I have to tell you that when I shared that story with Greg when we went for a walk later... I got complete silence as my reply... I had to ask if he heard me. He of course said yes, and I replied with, aaaannnnddd? I don't think he appreciated that real much... and I am sure the neighbor had to wonder as he was having a cigarette why we were were walking in the pitch dark and I was crying and saying, " Please, it isn't over for me yet, I need to know that he still matters to you, I need to know if you think of him." Let me tell you even now, almost 2 years later it is not easy to navigate the roads of grief with your spouse when you grieve so incredibly differently.
So 2 years later... my hope has always been for the day that I can remember my son with joy... and I can say that there are times that I do remember him with happiness in my heart, just love for him. But I have to be honest in saying that there are also times that the waves of grief hit me just as hard as if it happened last week. The questions still come. The tears still come easily. The pain is just as intense and deep and crushing. I am sometimes shocked by that... that it can truly hurt just like it did almost 2 years ago... but the truth is, it does. Praise God that those times don't last as long... like days and weeks like they used to... but maybe hours. It is strange but sometimes I almost welcome those times... As bizarre as it sounds I love thinking on my son.... remembering my 5 hours with him outside of me... but it hurts that is for-sure.
Even this past weekend I was overcome numerous time by the grace of God. At one point at the Women of Faith Conference we were singing a Chris Tomlin song... Sing Sing Sing, Make Music With The Heavens... it just hit me... I am singing, praising God with all of Heaven including my son. Man, can I tell you, that I just can't wait to do it in person with him:) I was over an over again so grateful to be able to look back on the very worst and thank God that He helped me survive that. Really sometimes when I am brought back to the worst, I can't even believe the details, the trauma of it all really happened to us. I know we have survived the worst of it and can even look back with joy but it is still hard... the Grief journey is hard no matter how you cut it! My deepest desire is still that the Lord would use the precious, all too short, (in my eyes:) life of my Samuel to touch others with HIS love.
It is a constant surrendering to the Lord's plan for me... is there great joy? Yes... we feel so blessed to have this new little one on the way... and so blessed that Hope is finally ours forever. But that does not take away the hurt that is still there for Samuel. Just because there has been some great things happening for us... those painful places in our hearts still exist. It is a delicate dance between grief or sorrow and joy. There are certainly more joy filled moments in our days than there used to be, but Samuel is NEVER far from my mind. And sometimes I can't help but get a little mad that people don't get that, understand that, or you can tell from their expressions that they think there is something not normal with you. Yeah, I guess it isn't normal to have your baby die inside of you... but the grieving for as long as it takes is normal.
So I guess these days, as I look to 2 years... 2 whole year with out my son on earth with me... my missing is growing... I just miss him being here with us as we had hoped and all that would mean for our lives... Jojo would have a almost 2 year old brother to romp around with, not sadness on the inside. I miss my old life.... I miss the relationships I used to have with some people... I miss it all. Knowing all I had with him was that short time... I miss not being able to smell him, feel his fuzzy hair on his cheeks... miss seeing him run on those crooked toes he had (just like his papa).
But I guess, the one good thing is that I am almost 2 years closer to seeing him again... and spending eternity with my Savior and our whole family together... Oh how I long for that day...
I have so much to share about how this new pregnancy is going and my feelings that are swirling around because of that:) I will try to post soon about that... but I didn't want to get to long winded.

7 comments:

Louis said...

Mom I miss him to.

Heather said...

Sara,

I love your raw honesty and the way you share it with Greg. If we can't be "real" with those closest to us, who can we be real with? Praying for you always and thinking of you often. Praying for that little one growing inside of you. You are such an amazing witness and wonderful example. God is using you and Samuel to do His work. Love you friend.

God bless,
Heather

blessedmomto8 said...

HUGS SARA! Thank you for sharing your sweet Samuel with us..

Tonya said...

Sweet Sara,

I could have written this post, almost word for word, as my heart echoes all of what you said. Missing and remembering Samuel and Grady tonight. I can't believe it has been almost two years and the pain is still so raw at times. Praying for you as you balance the joy and sorrow and this new little life growing inside of you. Praying for you as you embark on the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy after loss. It doesn't end when the pregnancy does either... I'm always here to talk if you need to! Love you sweet friend!

Tonya

Carolina said...

Thank you for sharing so much about your grief journey. I can relate to almost everything you said- the present pain, the questions, the singing a certain song that reminds us of our little ones in heaven.

And how insightful for Jojo to say that! praying that the Lord's hand will be over all your children to be mighty warriors for his kingdom. They were also specially chosen to be Samuel's brother and I have full confidence the Lord will finish the work he has started in your family.

I know you already know this, but just a reminder the pregnancy hormones will really make you more emotional and weepy than normal. I remember crying a lot my first trimester when I was pregnant with Jack.

Blessings to you and your family!

Stacy said...

Sara,
I love hearing your heart and my heart aches for you as I, too, know those throngs of pain and grief, so deeply. I love the picture of you holding Samuel. You both are beautiful and radiant, shining Christ in your darkest moments. He is holding you and will continue to do so. Keep walking through the grief, bit by bit. Keep looking to Jesus who brings joy and keep speaking Samuel's name....as he had weight in this world and still does.

I'm so sorry it has taken me a couple days to stop by. I think of you daily and pray you are strengthened and refreshed each day.

Much love in Christ,
Stacy

Ebe said...

I am there with you. Some days, it's just he was just here yesterday. And he should be a crazy almost three year old now.
I'm sorry.

I am praying for you as you carry another blessing and as your heart grows with love. There are so many emotions and struggles that come with having another baby after such a loss, but God will be faithful to you, as he has been these past two years. He loves you so much, Sara.

I love you too.

ebe