WHERE I AM AT THESE DAYS....

I just can not get over his round cheeks, precious little lips and his sweet sweet face. Man, how God created him... it just doesn't seem possible that he wasn't meant to stay on this earth longer for us to enjoy:)

I mentioned back a bit that I was on the Advisory Board for MEND, my infant loss support group. We are having our fundraising Bunco Bash in about 2 1/2 weeks. So we have been trying to get donations of prizes from different restaurants,, stores etc... I know this may sound crazy... but I have actually enjoyed it... and I think the reason is that I have been able to tell Samuel's story over and over and over again... Of course with that sometimes comes some awkwardness but also with it has come many loving replies, even some sharing their own stories of their daughter's stillbirth 13 years ago... still hurting this long after... I TOTALLY get that.

I am so very thankful for the healing that the Lord has done in my heart. Honestly if I look back to a year ago... anticipating Samuel's first birthday in Heaven... my heart hurt constantly... truly constantly, there was just pain in my chest continually. Some say the 2nd year is harder after a loss because the fog is gone. Thank God that hasn't been the case for me... but let me tell you I grieved so deeply and intensely that first year, I think I did exactly what the Lord's plan for my grief journey was. And oh... my .... did it hurt, like crazy hurt I never knew was possible. Now as I think of meeting my precious little boy 22 mos. ago, my heart is filled with many different emotions. ( I am sure some think it is crazy that I am still posting about him... but that precious Samuel was a LIFE CHANGER for me, and of course I would still post about something so HUGE in my life)

Tonight when I was going for a walk with Jojo and Hope, Jojo said, "Mama, I miss Samuel." I asked him, if he thought about him sometimes. His response was, "All the time mommy, you can't see it on the outside of me, on my skin, but on the inside, my heart is really sad." I could not believe it... I thought that was pretty deep and insightful for a 5 year old... and it made my heart really hurt for him. I have to tell you that when I shared that story with Greg when we went for a walk later... I got complete silence as my reply... I had to ask if he heard me. He of course said yes, and I replied with, aaaannnnddd? I don't think he appreciated that real much... and I am sure the neighbor had to wonder as he was having a cigarette why we were were walking in the pitch dark and I was crying and saying, " Please, it isn't over for me yet, I need to know that he still matters to you, I need to know if you think of him." Let me tell you even now, almost 2 years later it is not easy to navigate the roads of grief with your spouse when you grieve so incredibly differently.

So 2 years later... my hope has always been for the day that I can remember my son with joy... and I can say that there are times that I do remember him with happiness in my heart, just love for him. But I have to be honest in saying that there are also times that the waves of grief hit me just as hard as if it happened last week. The questions still come. The tears still come easily. The pain is just as intense and deep and crushing. I am sometimes shocked by that... that it can truly hurt just like it did almost 2 years ago... but the truth is, it does. Praise God that those times don't last as long... like days and weeks like they used to... but maybe hours. It is strange but sometimes I almost welcome those times... As bizarre as it sounds I love thinking on my son.... remembering my 5 hours with him outside of me... but it hurts that is for-sure.

Even this past weekend I was overcome numerous time by the grace of God. At one point at the Women of Faith Conference we were singing a Chris Tomlin song... Sing Sing Sing, Make Music With The Heavens... it just hit me... I am singing, praising God with all of Heaven including my son. Man, can I tell you, that I just can't wait to do it in person with him:) I was over an over again so grateful to be able to look back on the very worst and thank God that He helped me survive that. Really sometimes when I am brought back to the worst, I can't even believe the details, the trauma of it all really happened to us. I know we have survived the worst of it and can even look back with joy but it is still hard... the Grief journey is hard no matter how you cut it! My deepest desire is still that the Lord would use the precious, all too short, (in my eyes:) life of my Samuel to touch others with HIS love.

It is a constant surrendering to the Lord's plan for me... is there great joy? Yes... we feel so blessed to have this new little one on the way... and so blessed that Hope is finally ours forever. But that does not take away the hurt that is still there for Samuel. Just because there has been some great things happening for us... those painful places in our hearts still exist. It is a delicate dance between grief or sorrow and joy. There are certainly more joy filled moments in our days than there used to be, but Samuel is NEVER far from my mind. And sometimes I can't help but get a little mad that people don't get that, understand that, or you can tell from their expressions that they think there is something not normal with you. Yeah, I guess it isn't normal to have your baby die inside of you... but the grieving for as long as it takes is normal.

So I guess these days, as I look to 2 years... 2 whole year with out my son on earth with me... my missing is growing... I just miss him being here with us as we had hoped and all that would mean for our lives... Jojo would have a almost 2 year old brother to romp around with, not sadness on the inside. I miss my old life.... I miss the relationships I used to have with some people... I miss it all. Knowing all I had with him was that short time... I miss not being able to smell him, feel his fuzzy hair on his cheeks... miss seeing him run on those crooked toes he had (just like his papa).

But I guess, the one good thing is that I am almost 2 years closer to seeing him again... and spending eternity with my Savior and our whole family together... Oh how I long for that day...

I have so much to share about how this new pregnancy is going and my feelings that are swirling around because of that:) I will try to post soon about that... but I didn't want to get to long winded.

MORE OF UP NORTH...

ALL MY SIBLINGS, THEIR SPOUSES, KIDS, AND MY PARENTS.

THIS IS WHAT WE REALLY LOOK LIKE MOST OF THE TIME...

My brother and sister in law have this beautiful out door porch where we visited and sipped lemonade... It is truly like right out of a magazine. Aren't this jar candles cool? I just love them. My sister in law is one talented decorator... I can't tell you how many times we have said, "Man, I wish Katy were here to tell us what to do in this room." Her whole house is like walking into Country Living magazine... but truly she is frugal too... she will garbage pick something, paint it, and it looks amazing:)

Jojo and the Goats.

I just had an amazing weekend at the Women of Faith Conference... Wow, they have some of the greatest speakers... so funny and witty, yet really touched my heart. It was a total blessing to me. Par for the course we had a bought of the stomach flu at home while I was gone... that happened the last time I was at a conference in Dallas. Poor Greg... but they all did great and it was very short lived, Praise God!

I will say, I so wish MaryBeth Chapman would have been speaking at this one too, but she is on the other Women of Faith tour... Maybe next year... we will see:) Well, It was an absolutely crazy week, and I am whipped so I best be getting myself to bed...

By the way, I did get another glimpse of the "wee one" this past Thursday and he/she looked great... precious little heart pumping away... Honestly, I still can't believe this is really happening:)

FINALLY, UP NORTH PHOTOS

Here is a picture of all the cousins on Sunday night before we left on Monday morning. It was sort of a throw it together sort of gathering at my parents house. We literally had maybe 2 hours with all of us there. That hasn't happened in over 2 years. It was really nice... but I do have to admit that my heart was a bit sore, that is the only way I can describe it. I can't tell you how many times I heard that night, "Wow, we are all together... everyone is here." I know others don't think twice about a comment like that. I would never hold it against anyone, but I do hear it differently for-sure. Over and over that night, my heart just broke in two...knowing my son was missing... never would be part of the big family get togethers... never would get to play with his 2 boy cousins born with in a year of his death. At the same time it was really nice, just a bit bitter sweet for me. It is funny all the situations that used to be perfectly easy and wonderful, are now wonderful... just difficult at the same time. It was fun to see the cousins together and be with my siblings and their spouses. And praise God I remember having a really good laugh in the kitchen after dinner... a truly gut level laugh and it felt good...
I just had to laugh at the tube's name... BIG MABLE. I think that is hilarious. The kids had a blast riding on it at the cabin. We were really fortunate to spend a day with my brother and sister in law Katy up there. And they left Ella and Grace with us for the week so the kids had a ball together. It is absolutely one of the nicest places to vacation ever. We were so blessed to be able to finally get back up there after 2 years. There is something so special about the north woods. Unfortunately a lot of my pictures from up there didn't save on my memory card. I had a great one with my parents and the kids that was lost. Big bummer.

We had not met my nephew Elias until this trip. We just laughed... the kids thought he looked like Hansel from Hansel and Gretel... he really kind of did... such a precious little guy. The kids loved getting to play with Will and SaraBeth too:)

Jo and Will by the chicken coop. My parents live on a big plot of land with my two older brothers and their families. It is a great place to run around and explore as well as see all kind of wild life and great pets including, horses, chickens, goats, llamas, cats and dogs...

Anna and her two cousins, Isabella and Sara Beth... we like to call Isabella, Gretel:) She is the most precious petite thing ever.

I was so thankful that my little sister Beth's family was able to come over from Boston. I hadn't seen her since when she came out for Samuel's memorial service. Wow, my sister has put up with many a depressing conversation over the last almost 2 years. Really, we have always been close, but she was incredibly gracious to truly be there for me... way more so than I would have ever imagined . She would just listen over the phone, cry with me, let me be right where I was at (whether that was in a place of total anger, complete despair, loneliness, emptiness...all of it) and the crazy thing was she would always call back and do it all over again the next week if need be. I cry just sitting here thinking about it. She was incredibly patient and understanding with me through her pregnancy with Elias. As much as in my heart I wanted to be more a part of it... I just couldn't, it was too hard... my wound was still too fresh just 4 months after Samuel's death and she was fine with that. Really there are times, that I still wonder how we navigated that... God was gracious that is for sure.

Anyways, I love my sister Beth, and am so thankful that God gave her to me. It makes my heart leap for joy that Anna now has a sister to grow up with. Of course I don't think I have any pictures of us together except for the big family picture, I will try to post tomorrow. I am glad I finally got these pictures posted... but there are a couple more I will try to get to soon.

UPDATE ON HOPE'S FINALIZATION

IT WAS A GREAT DAY... WE STAYED THE NIGHT IN A HOTEL NEAR WHERE WE NEEDED TO FINALIZE. WE JUST KNEW THAT TO GET ALL OF US THERE ON TIME, WE WOULD HAVE HAD TO LEAVE BY ABOUT 5:30 THIS MORNING... THAT JUST WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. OF COURSE FOR US WITH THE KIDS THINGS NEVER GO OFF WITH OUT A HITCH...

ANNA WAS FREAKED OUT BY THE PITCH BLACK ELEVATOR AT THE HOTEL. (IT WAS A LITTLE SPOOKY:)

WE GOT SOME GREAT LAUGHS OVER THE "SQUEAKIEST BED IN THE WORLD" THAT ANNA AND I WERE SHARING... OH... MY... GOODNESS... YOU COULD BARELY BREATHE WITH OUT IT MAKING TONS OF NOISE:)

AND THIS MORNING WHEN GREG WENT TO GET DRESSED... HE WAS MISSING HIS PANTS... YOU KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO SHOW UP BEFORE THE JUDGE LOOKING SLOPPY... SO WE WERE A BIT PANICKED.... WE WERE IN A TOTALLY UNFAMILIAR AREA AND HAD NO IDEA WHERE TO FIND A 24 HOURS STORE TO FIND SOMETHING BEFORE OUR HEARING AT 9 AM. WE WERE RUSHING TO GET EVERYONE READY.

WELL, PRAISE GOD I TOLD GREG TO CHECK THE COUCH IN THE HOTEL LOBBY. WE HAD PUT THE PILE OF CLOTHES THERE LATE LAST NIGHT WHEN WE ARRIVED... AND THANK GOD, THERE THEY WERE.

BUT BESIDES THAT, IT ALL WENT OFF WITH OUT A HITCH. WE BASICALLY JUST HAD TO AGREE TO TAKE CARE OF THIS SWEET LITTLE GIRL THROUGH ALL THE GOOD AND BAD OF LIFE. WE WERE THRILLED TO AGREE TO IT ALL:)

HERE IS CALEB HITTING THE GAVEL TO MAKE HOPE OFFICIALLY A PART OF THE FAMILY... THE JUDGE WAS REALLY NICE AND EVEN LET THE LITTLER ONES STAND RIGHT BY HIM SO THEY COULD GET A GOOD VIEW:)

THIS IS DIERDRE THE DIRECTOR OF THE AGENCY THAT WE GOT HOPE THROUGH... SHE IS AMAZING... SUCH A SWEET, SWEET LADY, WHO HAS BEEN SUPER PROFESSIONAL, YET INCREDIBLY SUPPORTIVE OVER THE LAST 8 MONTHS. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW OFTEN SHE WOULD EMAIL ME AND REMIND THAT THEY WERE PRAYING FOR OUR FAMILY AND HOPE THROUGH THIS ALL.


WE JUST LOVE HER AND ARE SO THANKFUL FOR HER.




THE WHOLE CREW INCLUDING DIERDRE AND OUR LAWYER AFTER THE FINALIZATION.

HERE IS ANNA... JUST OVER THE MOON THAT SHE ACTUALLY FINALLY HAS A SISTER!!

REALLY WE ARE ALL THRILLED TO FINALLY HAVE THIS DAY BE HERE.

WE ARE SO BLESSED TO HAVE HER IN OUR LIFE:)

YAY GOD... FOR YOUR GOOD WORK IN GROWING HOPE IN HER BIRTH MOM'S WOMB, AND ALLOWING HER TO GIVE OUR SWEET, PRECIOUS DAUGHTER THE GIFT OF LIFE.

YAY GOD... FOR MAKING HOPE A HINTZ FOREVER!

FOR YOU FORMED MY INWARD PARTS, YOU KNITTED ME TOGETHER IN MY MOTHER'S WOMB. I PRAISE YOU FOR I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. WONDERFUL ARE YOUR WORKS, MY SOUL KNOWS IT VERY WELL.

PSALM 139:13-14

IT'S OFFICIAL, SHE IS FINALLY A HINTZ

IT IS FINALLY OFFICIAL... THIS SWEET LITTLE PUMPKIN IS FINALLY AT HOME FOREVER WITH US!

SWEET BABY GIRL IS NOW OFFICIALLY HOPE JUBILEE MARIE HINTZ...

AND WE ARE SO VERY GRATEFUL TO GOD FOR ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN...

FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS OVER THE LAST 8 MONTHS OF UNKNOWNS...

FOR AN AMAZING AGENCY WHO WAS SO INCREDIBLY SUPPORTIVE THROUGH IT ALL:)

I WILL TRY TO UPDATE LATER WITH SOME MORE DETAILS AND PICTURES:)

SOON TO BE SISTERS:)

I woke up this morning to the older of these 2 little beauties in bed with me... I could hear her over and over again saying, "Yes...yes... yes... Yes...YES!" I said, "What are you talking about?" She replied by saying... , "Yes, really soon I really will have a REAL SISTER!"

As long as all goes as planned... we have a court date to finalize our adoption with sweet baby girl this coming Monday. We are praying that there won't be any glitches...and the agency, and our lawyer do not expect any at all:)

We were hoping to get together with sweet baby girl's birth mother at the agency after we finalize, but now that isn't going to work out. She did want to see us all again and I can't wait to really tell her how much we appreciate her and her gift to us. When we first met her, we didn't really know if we would get to keep sweet baby girl, but she knew that she was in our care and wanted to meet us. Now we will be able to tell her how much we admire her for her love of sweet baby girl and her sacrifice. Hopefully that will get arranged soon:)

We will be so thankful to finally make this little pumpkin an "official" Hintz... Yay God for working this all out in the way that He did... we are so thankful to HIM.

OVERCOME...

HERE IS THE NEWEST LITTLE HINTZ FAMILY ADDITION... YEAH... I KNOW IT ISN'T THE CLEAREST PICTURE... BUT THIS WAS AN AMAZING SIGHT FOR THIS MOM AND DAD'S EYES!

Today I was totally overcome with gratefulness when we saw ONE beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. (Don't get me wrong, I would have totally been grateful with 2 or 3 heartbeats:) I was overcome with gratefulness to God that He has allowed this to actually happen... we gave these babies a chance at life ... and it worked... It was ALL HIS work... every single bit of it:)

Today on my drive home from the ultrasound I was totally overcome with tears of gratefulness for our embryo donor! I just am amazed that she would bless us in such a way... with such an incredible gift... LIFE! I am completely humbled and truly feel pretty unworthy of such an awesome gift.

The Doctor (whom I love by the way, who also himself has lost a child, but his child was 18 I believe... He gets the grief, loss experience first hand which I really appreciate as we move forward with this pregnancy) was great as usual. The first time I met him, I called Greg after the visit and said, "I really hope I get pregnant so that we can actually use this guy as our Doctor... you will love him honey." He will have me see a high risk doctor just to make sure we stay totally on top of things given what happened with Samuel. I love that he will be vigilant with this go around.

I also know that anything can still happen, but the Doctor did say that those statistics go down significantly after you see a good heartbeat on a normal ultrasound. That gave my heart some peace. So we place this little baby in the Lord's hands... the very best place for he/she to be:) and we will see what happens...but at this point we are filled with joy.

One more thing... I know maybe some of you found my blog because you also have lost a child. Maybe some of you are longing for that baby or long to get pregnant, but it isn't happening for you. I know that hearing the news of a another pregnancy can be really difficult. I want you to know that I completely understand that. My heart goes out to you. I pray that our embryo adoption miracle doesn't deepen your pain. I also want you to know, that if you let me know, through an email or comment, I would love to be praying for you where ever you are in that grief journey. I mean that whole heartedly.

Oh by the way, here is a little bonus! Greg and I had lunch at PF Changs between the ultrasound and the Doctor's appt. After we ate we were talking with the waiter, who I think was a manager. We mentioned to him that we were celebrating this new life, and told him some about all of our other kids, including our miscarriage and Samuel. He then said that his wife had also had a stillbirth and a miscarriage... I was shocked... you just don't hear it that often... Then he came back and said that lunch was on him... What a special gift and treat!

THE TRANSFER:)

2 of the 3 precious miracles that were transferred to my womb on July 14th:)

Isn't that just absolutely wild... there they are. The more I have learned about embryo adoption and the further we get in the process... the more amazed I am by God's working through this.

That God could take these little tiny babies, allow them to be frozen and then thawed and breath life back into them is just incredible to me.

My sweet hubby and I flew out to CA on the 12th of July. We really had a fun couple of days before the transfer. Like I had said we haven't been away together in 12years so it was an incredible treat for us. On the 13th we met with our Dr. for the first time. Let me just say I was greatly impressed with him when I spoke with him over the phone. He was incredibly helpful and went above and beyond to be available if I needed to talk to him or his nurse.

When we met him on the 13th, he did a mock transfer where they basically map the cervix (sorry if that is TMI:) so there aren't any surprises on the day of the transfer. That all went great and then we met in his office to talk.

Our embryos had been thawed I believe early Monday. So now it was Tuesday... we didn't even really know if any of the 7 had survived the thaw. He told us all of them had. We were a little surprised, but thankful. We just hadn't expected that... but we were really happy... God had allowed them to survive the thaw even when the donor had been told that some of them really weren't worth freezing because they probably wouldn't survive the thaw... God had more days for those little babies. We firmly believe that God created those lives and He is the only one who should decide how long their lives are to be.

The doctor said that all had survived the thaw, but with partial survival. An example of this would be that one that had been a 10 celled embryo before the freeze, was now an 8 cell.... so on and so forth with the others. He said that all it takes is one good cell to keep multiplying into a baby. Our plan was to let them all grow out... transfer some and refreeze any others that were still growing. We really prayed that night that the Lord would guide our steps in knowing how many to transfer the next day.

After that appt. on Tuesday Greg and I had a ball driving through Beverly Hills, up the coast and spending a great evening with seminary friends the Barketts. The next morning we were up early to head to the clinic. My acupuncturist was going to give me a treatment before and after the transfer (This is supposed to up the chances of success with a Frozen Embryo Transfer)... but we needed to meet with the Doctor or the embryologist before as well. I think the Doctor was in surgery so we met with the embryologist and he gave us the picture from above. I do have another picture of the other 5 embryos...

At this point right before the transfer there were 3 that we knew we would transfer. There were 3 that were already starting to show signs of not living anymore and one that they said probably had a 5% chance of surviving. I headed in to the transfer room with the acupuncturist , ( who of course was awesome and had me relaxed in no time:) and Greg was going to decide with the Doctor if we would transfer the 4th also or let it grow out and refreeze if it lived. I have to say I was completely at ease... I think we had prayed about this so much... felt like God had just mapped out the journey to that point and now we were just resting in HIM, waiting for it to unfold.

Greg had a great chance to share his faith with the Doctor... he was so excited about it when he came in the room to me. They had decided to just transfer the 3. The main reason was that with our donor being young when the embryos were frozen, even if they had maybe lagged behind in growth from what the Dr. had ultimately desired, the potential genetically was still there for multiple healthy babies... and he wanted to err on the safe side.

The procedure was completely painless... really I didn't feel a thing. I got to watch on the ultrasound machine as they went in, but I couldn't see anything. It was just downright wild to know at that moment these little lives were put in my womb. The Doctor said that I did everything I needed to do to get to that point and now we just wait and see. I had some more acupuncture, got some instructions for bed rest for the next couple 24-48 hours and we were on our way.

This was one funny thing... he did say to not stress my body physically, emotionally, or calorically... yes, you read that right:) calorically:) I asked what he meant by that, and he said this was not the time to stay away from ice cream, but to allow myself those treats... and allow myself those treats I did. When Greg and I went out that night to BUCAS, a family style Italian Restaurant, I of course forgot the family style part and ordered myself some family style
Tiramasu... OH, MY... DELISH!!! But I was eating it for the next 2 days:)

I also had cut up 2 pineapples the night before at our friends and ate the cores of those big boys! Apparently, there is something in the core that is supposed to aid in the implantation of a baby... YAY... it worked!

We spent all that Wednesday and Thursday just hanging around the pool, the hotel room, reading, watching TV, and eating delicious Thai food. Then Friday morning we set out early for the LA airport.

The plan was to be in contact with the clinic over the next few days to see if the remaining embryos continued growing. We were sad to hear that all of them were no longer living. We didn't have any to refreeze. That was a little sad, but it did give my heart comfort to know that was too in the Lord's hands... he had allowed them the number of days He planned for them.

So that was the transfer in a nutshell. And here we are on the other side. We have our ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. There is already a balancing of emotions on that arena. Thank God my hubby will be going with me, and we will be meeting with the Doctor afterwards to discuss the ultrasound. We are praying for a good outcome... knowing God is able... and knowing we don't know what His will is for these 3 babies that were transferred... we will see soon enough. I am delighted to have been a warm, safe place for them to grow for as long as the Lord allows:)

EXPERIENCING A LITTLE SORENESS:)

Experiencing a little soreness....

on my rear that is:)

Experiencing what my husband would be like as a male nurse...

and the freaky thing is he would be really good:)

Experiencing some nausea...

for which I am extremely grateful...:)

Experiencing too much over the top heat...

I think we are supposedly expecting a cool front...

It is supposed to be around 93 degrees and Greg is trying to convince me, that it really will feel so much better:)

Experiencing our last week of summer coming up this next week...

I am school planned, schedule made up for all 5 kiddos, and have our daily/weekly/and monthly chore charts made up...

I feel like I got a HUGE amount of things accomplished on my day out...

Thank you Greg for letting me do that...

I am hoping we will all reap the benefits:)

Experienced a whole lot of tears tonight watching the movie Letters from God with my 2 older boys...

It was really good, and very touching... yay... for a good Christian based movie out there!

So I want to give you a quick little overview on the meds that I had to take for the Frozen Embryo Transfer...

Basically all we did was pick a date for the transfer... Wednesday JULY 14th 2010. The clinic counted back 3 weeks and that was the first day of my delestrogen shots. I needed to take them 2 times a week until the transfer. This was to help prepare the lining of the uterus to be ready to receive the baby/babies. You need to have a good thick lining to make it the perfect place for the baby to grow:) And each ultrasound I had showed that my body was doing just as we were hoping it to. One week before the transfer we added the shots of progesterone every morning. You need progesterone early in pregnancy to help sustain the pregnancy. In fact for me I have needed progesterone supplements with a couple of my pregnancy because I was low on my own. So after the transfer I have continued on the daily progesterone and the delestrogen twice a week.

Now let me tell you, the needles are big... REALLY BIG to me:), but I am a bit of a wimp. Actually my mom who used to be a nurse even said they were pretty big. Truly I am not sure how Jen, my friend at http://www.kellerfamilyof9.com/p:// gave the shots to herself when she was pregnant with Blakely through embryo adoption. I am impressed:) But with some ice on the old rear prior, sometimes I barely feel the needle going in. The medication is thick so there is usually some pressure as it goes in.

It is funny, Greg does a great job... and the kids love to watch him give me the shots.

So that is basically it as far as the meds go... really that part hasn't been a big expense at all... and so worth every penny and needle prick...

We are so thankful for every step of this journey and for the little one/ones that he has given us for as long as He allows he/she/them to stay with us.:) Won't it be nice after my ultrasound, Lord willing, to know what and how many are in there exactly:)

Trusting in HIM

EVERY GOOD AND PERFECT GIFT IS FROM ABOVE... COMING DOWN FROM THE FATHER OF THE HEAVENLY LIGHTS WHO DOES NOT CHANGE LIKE SHIFTING SHADOWS. JAMES 1:17

THE BLUE HOLE

YESTERDAY WE WENT WITH 3 OTHER FAMILIES TO THIS AWESOME SWIMMING HOLE CALLED THE BLUE HOLE... THE WATER WAS AMAZINGLY REFRESHING AT ABOUT 65 DEGREES... THE AIR WAS PROBABLY OVER 100... AS TODAY WAS EXPECTED TO BE 105 DEGREES... AHHHHHHH.... TAKE ME BACK TO WISCONSIN:)
HERE WAS ANNA JUMPING OFF THE CLIFFS... SHE WAS SUPER BRAVE AND TRULY I THINK HER TAKING THE PLUNGE IS WHAT GOT HER BIG BROTHER CALEB TO FINALLY JUMP...

ONCE HE DID IT... HE LOVED IT AND JUMPED OVER AND OVER AGAIN... I WAS PROUD OF HIM... AS MUCH AS CALEB IS OUR TEXAS TORNADO... HE IS A LITTLE FEARFUL ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS. IT WAS FUN TO SEE HIM OVERCOME THAT FEAR:) ALL ON HIS OWN.

A BUNCH OF THE KIDS ON TOP OF THE CLIFFS

EMI OUR NEIGHBOR, ANNA, CALEB, AND OUR FRIEND JOSH:)

WHAT A REFRESHING DAY...WITH THIS 105 DEGREE HEAT, I WISH I HAD THE BLUE HOLE IN MY BACK YARD... IT WAS ABOUT AN HOURS DRIVE, BUT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT. HONESTLY, THE WATER IN MOST PEOPLE'S POOL IS LIKE BATH WATER DOWN HERE NOW... IT IS JUST WILD. AND THE BLUE HOLE HAS SOME AMAZING FRIED PICKLES... YUMMY!

SOME OF THE SCHOOLS STARTED BACK TO TODAY... I THINK I AM IN DENIAL THAT SCHOOL IS AROUND THE CORNER... I LOVE HOMESCHOOLING, BUT THIS SUMMER JUST FLEW BY... TOO FAST FOR ME:) I AM HOPING TOMORROW TO GET THE DAY TO MYSELF TO GET ALL OF OUR SCHOOL STUFF ORGANIZED, A SCHEDULE PUT INTO PLACE, AND THE KIDS CHORE LISTS PUT TOGETHER... BOY THEY WILL ALL BE THRILLED WHEN I GET HOME...

OK, I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU, THE KIDS ARE WATCHING A DVD OF TIM HAWKINS, THE CHRISTIAN COMEDIAN... HOLY COW, MY HEART IS FILLED WITH JOY AS I SIT HERE AND TYPE AND HEAR ALL THESE LITTLE GIGGLES COMING FROM THE OTHER ROOM. WE HAVE OUR FRIENDS 3 KIDS HERE FOR THE DAY... AND ALL THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF LAUGHS COMING FROM IN HERE ARE JUST HEART WARMING:)

MAN, THAT GUY IS HILARIOUS...

ALSO I HAVE TO JUST TELL YOU ALL THANK YOU FOR ALL THE ENCOURAGING WORDS ABOUT THIS NEW LITTLE BABY I AM CARRYING AND FOR SHARING IN OUR HAPPINESS OVER OUR AMAZING EMBRYO ADOPTION JOURNEY. MY HEART IS TOUCHED DEEPLY BY YOUR LOVE FOR OUR FAMILY AND FOR YOUR PRAYERS FOR OUR NEW LITTLE ONE/ONES:)

BLESSINGS ON YOUR FRIDAY... AND YOUR WEEKEND! I HOPE TO POST SOME PICS FROM UP NORTH SOON:)

MORE ON OUR MIRACLE... THE CONCLUSION:)

I believe I left off with putting our potential embryo adoption on hold because of possible extra costs that we figured we would incur as a result of sweet baby girls extra court hearings... so from here we continue...

We were really fortunate to have an atty recommended from our agency to do our legal work regarding sweet baby girls adoption. I called him after things started to get sticky... Praise God we were led to a Christian atty who himself had adopted 2 children. He heard that Greg was in church work and was gracious to give us a discount... That was such a tremendous blessing. We just had no idea the amount of extra time it would take him and what a ball park area of additional costs that would be.

Part of the trouble was that we really weren't sure how many additional court hearings there would be... and how many we/he would need to be present for. It was sort of a take it as you go sort of deal. And just when we thought we knew the way it was headed there would be an additional court hearing or appeal...it was crazy... thankfully most of this was all done with the agency and not us and our atty. We didn't have to be there... but our heart was certainly on the line...We still sort of waited to see how things would unfold.

The sweet gal, who had the embryos, and I continued to email each other. As we both blogged and shared more of our families, our grief, and our lifes journeys... I felt like we continued to get to know each other more. My heart continued to grow in admiration for her.

I don't really remember exactly when I got a particular email from her, but one day... I think in April I got an email from her that got my heart pumping:) It put adopting her embryos right back on the front burner. She said that she really needed to make a decision on what to do with her embryos. Her desire was for them to be a part of our family, but at the same time she didn't want to put any additional pressure on us. She knew that if we didn't agree to take them that the Lord had someone else for them. She just knew that she had to make a decision on what to do with them. She wanted to give them a chance at life now...

I replied saying that Greg and I would really pray about it and get back to her.

Now anyone who knows me knows it would be a slam dunk decision for me....

And anyone who knows my husband knows he can be a bit of a worrier. I do not mean that in a bad way. It is just a little more a part of his nature. His main concerns were that we truly give them all a chance at life... What if that meant that we had 7 more children?? We both knew that statistically that was almost an impossibility... but at the same time we knew that WITH GOD ANYTHINGWASS POSSIBLE. I guess for me that is what set my mind at ease... if that were to happen it would totally have to be His will. ( Now I don't mean 7 at one time... but eventually after numerous transfers. Any doctors I had spoke with were always very conservative... not wanting to transfer too many at one time. )

We spent a good couple of weeks in prayer and talking it over Greg and I. We also were able to get a ball park figure for our additional costs for sweet baby girl and were really pleasantly surprised by it. And eventually we felt led to GO FOR IT! I notified this sweet girl and she was really happy about it. It was sort of amazing, she felt blessed by us giving her babies a chance at life... a chance that she could not give them right now.

We felt so blessed, honored, and privileged that she would give us this gift. It is a miracle to us. I can not imagine being in her shoes... I just can't. But her gift to us is like none other that we have ever received... we are in awe of her generosity to us. How can you thank someone for giving you the gift of carrying a life. And really to me... I could never take it lightly. I know that she has seen on our blog our family, our kids, our lifestyle...but I just feel that I want to do the very best with this gift we have been given.

The ultimate kicker is just how God brought that all together... how he brought our embryo donor to us. I truly feel like we are so like minded morally in our thoughts on these babies. I can honestly say, that the more I have gotten to know her, the more I love her. She and her twins are in my prayers many, many days and I am amazed by her perseverance and faith in Christ.

So on June 9th 2010 we legally adopted our 7 embryos... We each had our own lawyers from California since that is where we planned to do the transfer. (Yeah, that was the WHOLE reason my honey and I took the trip to California. It was a sweet getaway for us... but we did have HUGE reasons for going out there besides just a vacation:) Man, they are very knowledgeable in all the ins and outs of adopting embryos. Even the adopting process was totally painless for us. I say for us, because I know it could not have felt nearly the same for our donor. What a sacrifice. We are in awe...

Can you believe it? This baby or these babies growing inside of me are adopted? The Lord chose to grow these precious little ones inside of me, after being frozen for 5 years. The Lord found a way to bring two families together from 2 different parts of the country to give these babies a chance at life. It is truly a miracle.

I am nervously looking forward to my ultrasound next Thursday the 19th... I am praying that we will see a little heartbeat or heartbeats:) I know that these little ones that were transferred are totally in God's hands, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that there is some anxiety there... not really anxiety, I guess more just a fear of things ending much sooner than I hope. I know the Lord knows the number of their days... and I just need to rest and trust in His plan. That is easier said than done:)

I will try to post some about the preparation and actual Transfer sometime soon...

I miss posting pictures of the kids... and maybe I can post a picture soon of the embryos we actually transferred:)

OUR MIRACLE PART TWO:)

I know that this whole miracle of the little one in my womb is not at all conventional... but truly I see the WHOLE story as a total God thing... and that is why I continue to share more of the story... I want him to receive all the glory... it is totally His work... we are just a part of it... and are absolutely thrilled to be...:)

I got a call today from our upstairs neighbor at the seminary... (man I miss you Maryann:) to congratulate us. She said she was amazed by our desire to do what we feel the Lord leading us to do even though the risk for big loss is there. I told her right away... that there was nothing to be amazed with on our part... but that we felt led by God to walk forward knowing His will would be done... and He would get us through that if it ends in a gloriously wonderful way with a baby in our arms or if it doesn't end the way we are hoping... He will carry us and sustain us through it all. If it doesn't got the way we are hoping will we be sad? Of course... but we know He will get us through that time too... we have seen Him to be faithful over and over again... and we know He will prove faithful no matter how this goes:)

OK, so I left off with us on the waiting list at the fertility clinic here in town... waiting for a match from a couple that had embryos they were willing to donate.

Here is where the crazy stuff starts happening... Not really crazy, but crazy to me in how God worked... unbelievable more like.

So later that same day, the day that we had our appointment at the fertility clinic I was checking a blog of a gal in Kansas... Jen. I always thought her blog was really neat... she was a mom to 7... six at the time adopted. Anyways.... I checked her blog that day and guess what she is announcing.... she is pregnant as a result of embryo adoption. In my head I was thinking... you have got to be kidding me... this is just too wild. So I was going to comment and congratulate her. When I clicked on the comments I read the other 11 before mine and was smiling as I read of everyone's joy for her.

Then I came across a comment from a gal saying that she was on the other side of the situation, looking for a loving Christian couple to adopt her embryos. Call me nosy... call it the Lord's leading...whatever it was, I clicked on her name and it led me to her profile for her blog. I went to her blog and started reading.

Immediately my heart went out to her... she was a young widow... only 30 years old. Her husband had died just 4 mos. before Samuel. Immediately I felt a connection to her... We were 2 women who had both experienced a loss. I can not imagine losing my husband at such a young age. Our losses were different, yet grief is similar in a lot of ways for those who are grieving and different in other ways. She had beautiful 3+year old twins. They were just precious. She had an amazing faith in the Lord that was plain to see all over her blog. My heart just broke for her as I read her story.

That was when the strangest thing happened. I felt this really strong urge to email her. I know this may sound odd to some, but I have found great comfort in words from other bloggers who have suffered a similar loss to me. I have made precious friends that are now my friends in real life.

It was wild, here is she a Christian young lady needing a family for her embryos. Here we had just been to the clinic talking about embryo donation. Here I had come across her on a blog post about a pregnancy as a result of embryo adoption. There were a lot of things going through my mind. Looking back I know that the nudging to email her was from the Holy Spirit... I ignored it for hours... but it was continuously heavy on my heart that night. I was up late, late, late, praying about it.

After many many hours of ignoring it, still feeling the strong nudging, praying about it... I just felt like it was God leading me to email her... I didn't want to ignore Him. The first thing I thought was that I did not want her to think that I was after her embryos. When I emailed her I first off expressed my sympathies to her on the loss of her husband and told her of our Samuel. Then I told her how I had come across her comment on the other blog and that I just felt a need to email her and tell her our situation. I totally told her to completely disregard my email if it seemed odd to her at all. And I gave her our blog address so she could read up on our family and the rest of our story.

It was crazy the next morning I had an email from here saying that she was a bit shocked but really pleasantly surprised by my email. She had read our blog and thought we should both pray about it, seek some Godly counsel, and email each other again in a week. (Later on after I had spoke with her and Jen on the phone I had heard that she emailed Jen right away asking if I was legit... or somewhat crazy. Jen had told her that she had read my blogand that I seemed like the real deal:) I totally understood her doing that)

About a week later we emailed again and decided to keep moving forward with the possibility of her donating her embryos to us. She emailed us a list of questions to get to know us better, hear more about our faith in our Savior Jesus, and to figure out more where were at morally with what we would do with her embryos. She had 7 embryos and she wanted to make sure we would give them ALL a chance at life. I assured her that was something that she didn't at all have to worry about with us... they would all get a chance.

I stayed up really late one night answering all of her questions ... it was actually really fun to tell her more about who we were. I wanted it to be the right thing and for her to have total peace about it if this was something we would really move forward with. I wanted her to really know more of who we honestly are.

I then sent her a some questions. It was really cool to hear more about her and what her husband was like. These embryos would be genetically theirs so it was neat to hear more about their likes/dislikes , hobbies etc. Our possible future children would look like them and probably act a lot like them so this was just fascinating to me.

We continued to email back and forth. Then on December 11th we brought sweet baby girl home. I emailed her at that point and said that having sweet baby girl here didn't change our feelings at all on adopting her embryos. But I think it was February when I emailed her and said we may need to put it on hold a bit. As sweet baby girls whole adoption situation got stickier and stickier and the costs associated seemed like they might go up significantly we weren't sure if we would have the funds to do the embryo adoption also. She totally understood and we agreed to just wait a bit and see how things played out.

Let me explain just a bit here on how the cost associated with embryo adoption stand up against regular adoption or even IVF for that matter.

IVF can cost anywhere from about 12,000- $19,000 depending on medications.

Regular domestic adoptions can cost anywhere from $8,000 at a strictly volunteer run organization to up to $28,000

And embryo adoption can range anywhere from around $3,000 to $20,000

I knew that our costs would definitely be on the lower end of that.

So that is where I will leave you today... this sweet precious gal and I still emailing... but the embryo adoption on hold...

Hopefully I can get the rest of the story posted next time... and then maybe just do some fun posts on the logistics of how this little one came to be... Thanks for hanging with us...

MORE ON OUR MIRACLE PART ONE:)

A PRECIOUS GIFT FROM GOD PART ONE:

I have a feeling this is going to take a few posts to explain this miracle to you all, and I can't wait.

First of all, it is really early in this pregnancy. I share with you all, because I know many of you have prayed for us through many ups and downs of the past couple of years. I now want to share our joy and blessing with you, but also ask for you to pray for this little one that is growing inside of me. We are celebrating this life now... we know first hand that we have no idea the number of this little ones days... We know God knows that exact number and this little one will be a part of our lives for as long as the He allows... so we celebrate now... pray that this little one will be a part of our life for a VERY LONG time, but trust God with His plan for our family. Would you pray for this little one with us?

I also wanted to share because I am just totally in awe of how God brought this baby to us and He deserves all the glory:)

So here is where the story begins... last November, I believe. We had been waiting to adopt since January 09. We had Faith living with us in the summer of 09 and we all know that ended with the baby that we were to adopt Joel, being stillborn at 28 weeks. In August we started to move forward to work with another agency, Deaconess in Oklahoma City, in addition to CPO. We had heard that they were in need of more adoptive parents who were willing to adopt children of other races. We jumped on board... praying and knowing that the Lord knew the exact child He would bring to us.

So this whole time our plan was to adopt... We have always wanted to adopt, God laid that on our hearts years ago... we just never knew how it would all play out... (Now to see it all in hindsight is such an awesome thing... totally His work) At the same time, I have felt since losing Samuel full term and having to experience the whole delivering a lifeless child... that my hearts desire was to carry another baby. (Anyone who knows me KNOWS that I would take 15 kids if that is what the Lord would bless us with... I don't think Greg feels quite the same way... but doesn't ever want to limit God in how He blesses us either:)

To carry another baby had nothing... NOTHING...NOTHING to do with replacing Samuel... but to have a pregnancy end differently (I obviously know that there is no guarantee that it would end differently) I feel would bring healing to a part of me that may not come any other way. (Remember prior to having Samuel I was a natural childbirth teacher and a child birth doula. Pregnancy and childbirth... those were 2 of my greatest loves... much of that has changed since having Samuel... There is a whole lot emotionally that happens in the delivery room, and I am not quite sure I could go there again in the supportive role that I used to have... does that make sense?)

Sure, we desired to carry another baby... but remember I am 38 and have fertility issues since day one at the age of 23. Now do I know that God is in control of that all? 100 %! Could He bless us with a baby in my womb whenever He sees fit... definitely... So we just kept trying and waiting to adopt at the same time:) It is such a surrendering daily to His will, not ours... and His timing not ours...

Ok... so here is where the story gets exciting... to see thebeginnings of His plan start to come about. All of this to bring me to last November 09. We were in the car driving somewhere and I had brought an article from a STEPPING STONES magazine. This is a magazine put out by Bethany Christian Services to couples who struggle with infertility. A dear friend of my mothers had sent it to us because it had an article about grief in it. But on the back cover there was a short article on .... EMBRYO ADOPTION...

First of all...did you know...

That there are between 400,000 and 500,000 embryos frozen in the US... These are babies (we believe life begins at conception... so to us these are babies:) that resulted from InVitro Fertilization procedures all over the US. Typically when a couple does IVF they fertilize numerous eggs resulting in any number of babies/embryos... I have even heard of up to 24 embryos being made... Now when that couple has the number of children they desire from those embryos, they may have some left over... that is where the 400,000-500.000 frozen embryo stat comes from.

These parents then have 4 options...

destroy the embryos/babies

donate them to medical research

continue storing them until they come to some sort of decision

donate the embryos for someone else to use...

Immediately this article peaked my interest and Greg and I started talking... here were some of our thoughts.

Wow... 400,000- 500,000 frozen babies in the US alone...

We were already waiting to adopt a child...

We were totally cool with having a child that is not biologically ours...

These babies deserve a chance at life...

Would it be possible to adopt some embryos and maybe actually get to carry the baby we were to adopt...(now stay with me here, I know it seems kind of wild... but to us it seemed like a win win situation... we could be giving some babies a chance at life and we could possibly have all the benefits of pregnancy,(yes I am one of the crazy ones who love being pregnant) carrying the baby, bonding with the baby prior to birth, even nursing that baby... ) It just seemed like a hugely intriguing prospect... Greg and I talked and decided that I would call the fertility clinic here to see if they had an embryo donation program at all...

Low and behold they did, and Greg and I had an appt. set up to go talk with them the next week. After talking with the Doctor she thought it was a great option for us.

Let me say first, we never considered IVF for us... it just didn't at all seem like the right fit for us... I would never judge anyone who does do it... and I strongly feel you can't judge until you have walked in that persons shoes... I have seen over and over in past years people question fertility practices (ok, I get Octomom and all:) but when someone conceives easily they really have NO IDEA what it is like to struggle with infertility... and we use Doctors for other things when our body isn't working properly...anyways... I will get off my soapbox...:) Ultimately, even with fertility procedures... I totally feel God is the giver and creator of life...

Ok there were a couple of things that struck me after talking to my doctor at the fertility clinic here ... I was amazed to hear that there were certain embryos that people were less likely to take because of the race or possible appearance of the potential child... for example a red head or a child of another race... oh that just hurt my heart... they all deserve a chance at life no matter what they look like. I guess our perspective is a little different. Maybe for someone who doesn't have any biological children, the need for someone to resemble you a little more closely may be more important. But for us... seeing as how we were really waiting to adopt a baby that would most likely be biracial, we were fine with whatever:)

So we were put on the waiting list with that clinic...

We really felt like we were opening a door and we would see if God closed it or worked through it... He did work... but once again not in the way we expected at all...

Thanks for hanging with me... that was a lot of info...

MORE TO COME SOON...hopefully tomorrow...

HERE IS OUR MIRACLE:)

THE TRUE MIRACLE IS HOW THIS LITTLE ONE CAME TO US...THAT IS THE HUGE PART OF THE MIRACLE I CAN'T WAIT TO SHARE WITH YOU...

IT IS QUITE THE STORY... PROBABLY... NO DEFINITELY... NOT WHAT ONE MIGHT EXPECT. BUT IT SHOWS THE MIGHTY HAND OF GOD...

ONLY HE COULD MAKE THIS STORY POSSIBLE:) I AM TOTALLY IN AWE OF HOW HE WORKED.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY:)

ROBBIE SEAY BAND AND A NEW FRIEND

The craziest thing happened tonight. The 2 older boys and I went to hear the Christian singer Robbie Seay in a free concert on the riverwalk... OK... BESIDES STILL BEING LIKE 100 DEGREES it was a delightful night:)

Here is a random bit of trivia about Robbie Seay... he mentioned that he was from Houston. After the concert Louis was having him sign his T-shirt and I asked him where in Houston he was from and mentioned to him that Greg and I had lived in Tomball when we were first married. Too funny... His wife was Miss Tomball soon after we moved there. I just had to laugh I remember seeing pictures of his wife as I waited in line for food at the Rib Tickler restaurant... It was hilarious... he said, "Yep her picture was up there as well as at Goodsons... home of the best Chicken Fried Steak. It was random and really kind of humorous.

We got there about 15 minutes early and I sat us down by a young couple. The gal asked if we needed more room... When I looked at her and said that we were fine... Her face lit up... "Are you Sara Hintz?" she asked. Man I was searching my mind, but she didn't look familiar to me at all. She right away told me her name. I recognized her name... she had found my blog through my sweet friend EBE in Georgia and emailed me since we live near the same city. She and I emailed a few times last winter, mainly about her attending MEND... She lost her firstborn baby boy, Elijah, about 6 mos before Samuel died. He was aslso stillborn. And she also has suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage. She even tried to come one night to MEND with her husband but they couldn't find the location. Honestly, I have thought of her over the last mos. and thought I should dig through my emails and just check up on her.... but never got around to it.

I feel bad that I never did, but I am just amazed at how God works... honestly, it is downright amazing... out of all the people to sit by, I plunk myself down right next to them, in a city of our size?

I am always amazed the instant connection I feel to someone who has also suffered the loss of a child. She was such a sweet gal. It was totally a God thing that He had us sit together. I needed the reminder that how I am still feeling is normal... that my mommy's heart will always miss my precious son and long for him. It was just precious for me to be able to share a little about Samuel with her and to hear about her son Elijah.

They are now pursueing adoption... Will you join me in praying for this precious couple B and J... that the Lord would bless them with a little one in their arms sooner rather than later. I just can't imagine having lost your children, but not having one here with you prior to that. I know all of those kinds of things make the grief journey different for each person. That would be so hard to not have any children in your arms here with you. My heart hurts for them tonight.

I have another absolutely amazing Way that God worked lately (It is a miraculous story:) that I will share soon and I will try to post some pics from up north as well. For some crazy reason, my memory card was acting up and not all of our pictures were saved... bummer.

I am so thankful tonight that God can move mountains and connect people in such amazing ways:) He is faithful!