ANNA'S PRECIOUS LOVE

ANNA AND SAMUEL

Have you ever seen such precious little sweetie pies? When I look at pictures of my precious children, I am in awe of God's goodness to Greg and me. Just 2 months after Greg and I started dating he was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease, a cancer of the Lymphatic system. So when we were first married there was a time that Greg and I weren't sure if we would be able to have children. We have been blessed 5 times over. We continually thank God for each of those blessings. And honestly as our kids get older, and we see how quickly time goes by, we love and treasure them more and more. And we love and treasure each pregnancy more and more. I think with each pregnancy we have been more excited just knowing the blessing that each child is, how uniquely God creates each one. Oh how we miss our 5th little blessing Samuel.

SONS ARE A HERITAGE FROM THE LORD,

CHILDREN A REWARD FROM HIM.

LIKE ARROWS IN THE HANDS OF A WARRIOR

ARE SONS BORN IN ONE'S YOUTH.

BLESSED IS THE MAN

WHOSE QUIVER IS FULL OF THEM.

PSALM 127:3-4

I will never forget how precious Anna was with Samuel, she couldn't get enough of him. I wondered if the kids would be afraid to hold him or be with him knowing that he had already passed away. Of course there were many tears, but they all were totally at ease with holding him and wanted to be with him. Anna just kept kissing him on his sweet little rosebud lips. I think I might have said this before but her little mommy heart was evident. I finally had to tell her it was the last time that she could hold him because I wanted to hold him. She has such a tender heart and many times just comes up to rub my back and cry with me. She always says, "Its OK mommy, we all miss baby Samuel."

The last week has been a hard one, a week of not too many ups and downs like the last 2 months have been. It has certainly been just more down. I am not sure what the reason is... could it be the holidays? I think it is a combination of everything.

When I was taking a bath the other day I was thinking of a song that Andrew Peterson sings called Hosanna. (He is by far my favorite christian singer) His new CD is called Resurrection Letters and speaks over and over again of God's restoring power. How appropriate for me right now. It just speaks to my soul and the hurt within me. Anyways, in the song Hosanna there is a line that talks about God beating death at deaths own game. WOW, God has done that, he is victorious over death. My son is dead and not with me in a physical way, but yet his soul is alive with Christ. Satan wants to bring us all misery. Death is a result of the fall and sin in the world. The fall being caused by Satan tempting Eve in the garden. Thus death is really a result of the devils wicked schemes. God has beaten death and the devil at his own game. It actually gave me a hopeful moment in the tub. I am claiming that God is going to work that same victorious healing in my life and heart.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I LOVE THIS PRECIOUS PICTURE OF MY 5 CHILDREN

Today we met with Kaycee, our Now I lay Me Down to Sleep photographer, and her husband. She delivered the rest of our pictures to us of the day we spent with Samuel. We went home, all climbed up on the couch, and snuggled under our "Samuel" blanket that our Sem. family made for us and watched the DVD slide show she made for us. Needless to say, Greg had to get a box of Kleenex while we watched a 2nd time. I just kept saying I want another chance to be his mommy. I want another chance to hold him. I want another chance to feel him kick, I just want another chance. I know I was his mommy for the 9 months I carried him, but right now it just feels like that could never be enough. I am thankful that he is safe with our Lord in heaven today, but the grief is still so fresh and real. Her pictures were just beautiful. I know I am biased but God just made him so precious, all his perfect parts. I thought I would share a couple of the pictures and I will share more in the future.

I am praying that you have a blessed Christmas. I am continually thinking of my son in Heaven with his Savior, Redeemer, and Restorer. I am praying we feel his redeeming restoration this next year in a very real way. I was talking with a dear friend last night who said that she is praying for intense healing and renewed promises for 2009. Amen to that!

Today I wanted to share with you a verse from God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. My dear seminary Mother's Bible Study leader, Myra, sent it to me today.

God rest you, all good Christians, upon this blessed morn.

The Lord of all good Christians was of a woman born;

Now all your sorrows He doth heal, your sins He takes away;

For Jesus Christ, our Savior, was born on Christmas Day.

NO WORDS

THE HOLY SPIRIT HELPS US IN OUR DISTRESS.

FOR WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD PRAY FOR,

NOR HOW WE SHOULD PRAY.

BUT THE HOLY SPIRIT PRAYS FOR US WITH GROANINGS THAT CANNOT BE EXPRESSED IN WORDS.

AND THE FATHER WHO KNOWS ALL HEARTS KNOWS WHAT THE SPIRIT IS SAYING, FOR THE SPIRIT PLEADS FOR US BELIEVERS

IN HARMONY WITH GOD'S OWN WILL.

ROMANS 8:26-27

It has been a very difficult last couple of days. I should warn you now that this isn't a pick me up kind of post tonight. If you are hoping for that you might as well just skip this one. Saturday I actually felt like I had a good day, then Sunday may have been my worst day yet. I have always considered myself to have a very strong faith, but Greg has been a rock, my rock. I may have said this before but I keep telling him that this is the worse of the for better or worse that he agreed to the day we were married. I am sure there are moments he just wants his wife back. I am sure there are times that the kids just want their mother back. I truly have never felt more love from my husband than I do now. I know he truly will do anything for me to make sure that we are really dealing with the loss of Samuel... no matter what that takes. He has been so supportive, he has sat with me for hours when the grief takes over.

I love the verse above that talks about the Holy Spirit interceding for us when we can not pray. He prays for us with groanings that can not be expressed in words. Wow, that is how I have felt the last couple of days. There have been very few words that I could say to God. It was the same way when I was in labor with Samuel. I couldn't utter anything myself. I continually asked Greg to pray and I had a great nurse named Marilyn who prayed for me throughout that morning. I know God sent her to me knowing exactly what I would need from her. Being from the north, things are definitely different here in the Bible belt. When Marilyn first introduced herself to me just hours before I delivered Samuel, I completely lost it. I was uncontrollably sobbing, and unfortunately Greg had just left the room. This poor woman who just wanted to introduce herself was met by me completely out of control. She immediately put her hands on me and was praying out loud for the Holy Spirit to comfort me. She continued to pray until I was calming down. The Lord was so gracious to bring her to me.

I have felt some of the same despair and loss of hope over the last two days. There have just been too many constant reminders in my face of what I have lost. Yesterday Greg was wise to tell me not to stay for the church service after I taught Sunday School. He knew that the references to Mary being the mother of Christ, giving birth to him, nursing him, caring for him, and then giving up her son to die would be too much for me. I had already been crying all morning. Not that I am at all comparing myself to Mary the mother of Christ. But the references to all that a new mother does and experiences with her baby would definitely have been too much.

It is a hard time of year. I have always heard that the holidays are hard for those that have lost loved ones... I never imagined how hard it could be. Anyone who knows me knows I am a very optimistic, positive person. I could never in my wildest dreams imagined myself to be feeling the way I have felt. I know that the Lord has made me a much more sensitive person through this experience.

I myself in the past have wondered what to say to people when they are grieving. I now realize that it isn't only about what you can say. It is also about just being there. I remember recently reading in Job where Job's friends finally come to him. They cover themselves with ashes and just sit with him for 7 days not saying a word because they know that his grief and despair are so deep. I am so very thankful for family and dear friends who came to us to just be with us. I will say that I love when people ask about Samuel or about how we are dealing or coping with our loss. It shows me they care. I love talking about him. I know they feel bad when I cry, but it doesn't hurt anymore to actually release the tears that are inside. I think crying helps me to heal. It hurts so much more when people ignore the obvious. It actually adds to my pain. It makes me sad to think that if it is hard for people to bring Samuel up now, why would anyone bring him up 6 months from now, when I am still grieving and still want to talk about it. I know it makes people uncomfortable but if there is one thing I would tell people, it would be to talk to the grieving person about the loved one who died. It shows that you also valued the life of that person. That has meant so much to me.

Please continue to pray for our family as we try to find our way and continue to rely on the Lord for guidance, peace and comfort as we persevere through each day.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

...IS MY 2 FRONT TEETH

LITTLE BUDDIES ANNA AND JOJO

We are so thankful to God for these 2 little goofballs who keep us busy and entertained.

OUR SWEET BOY

BE CAREFUL, WATCH OUT FOR ATTACKS FROM THE DEVIL, YOUR GREAT ENEMY. HE PROWLS AROUND LIKE A ROARING LION, LOOKING FOR SOME VICTIM TO DEVOUR. TAKE A FIRM STAND AGAINST HIM, AND BE STRONG IN YOUR FAITH. 1 PETER 5:8

We have special friends at the seminary who lost their 9 year old son almost 1 year ago. Shortly after Samuel's death this dear woman emailed me, I will never forget many of the things that she shared with me. What a wise, real, honest, compassionate woman. One thing especially struck me at that time. She told me that someone had mentioned to her that there may be days that she literally had to say out loud, "Get behind me Satan!" When I first read it I just could see how someone might have to say that, but I just couldn't imagine that being me. At that time just days after Samuel's death I really wasn't questioning God. I did wonder why it happened but I think I was pretty accepting of it happening. I knew in my heart that as a Christian I am not guaranteed a life free from trial or pain. Now looking back I think I was still in shock over what had happened and the reality of our loss hadn't fully settled in.

As the days have passed the emotions change constantly and the questions have certainly come more often. I have been meaning to post about our Thanksgiving for quite some time. We had such a nice visit with family. We had not expected to see anyone for the holiday because we were anticipating just being at home enjoying our new little one. After Samuel was gone I knew there was no way I could stay here when the holiday was going to be so different than I had expected.

My parents live on a big plot of land with my 2 brother's families. My little brother and his family were also able to come down. The night before Thanksgiving we had a family Thanksgiving service at my brother Mark's house. So there were about 22 of us there with all of the kids. We sang some songs and then everyone got to share what they were thankful for this year. It was so sweet to hear of all of the blessings in everyone's lives, so precious to hear the kids giving thanks to God for various things. I was thankful for so much but just couldn't bring myself to share anything.

Then the tears came for me. Then the tears came for my little Anna who was sitting on my lap. Then the family came and surrounded our family, laid hands on all of us and prayed for us. Oh to feel the love from the body of Christ as they approached the throne of God on our behalf was such a blessing. (That has been one very difficult thing for me especially is grieving in a new place far from family.) It was an incredible time of healing for me.

My little brother later said that he had specifically asked the Lord for His words to be spoken. When he prayed he specifically was praying that the devil would not get a foothold in this situation and that he would have no power over our family. He was demanding that the devil be far from our family. I have to admit it, it needed to be said and I needed to hear it. Right away my friends words came rushing back to me... I needed to say, "Get behind me satan." At that time I just hadn't been feeling comfort from the Lord. I was feeling especially low and sometimes tormented in my grief. All I could really muster up to Him was "Help me Lord" Wow, I have never felt under attack as I have since losing Samuel. A constant struggle for me in the really rotten moments is wondering if this is just the way real grief is, this bad, or is the devil playing with me. I feel weak and powerless. I am weak and powerless. And we know that the word of God says that the devil is prowling around looking for someone to devour. He is just waiting especially for one of God's children to lose faith and be a ready target. Well, it isn't going to be me or my family I can say that much. I love that God's word also tells me that when I am weak, He is strong. When we are weak that is when God's power can rest on us. Oh I am thankful for that.

So I am taking my friends words to heart. She was so wise and right on knowing that there would come a time in my grief when I would need to tell the devil to be far from me and my family. When I am feeling especially sad I ask God... If this is a time that I should be sad then that is what I will be, but if the feelings of grief are not of him at that moment that He would take them away. I am trusting that He will be faithful to answer me. It brings me comfort to know that our God is so much more powerful than any force of evil the devil can bring our way.

OUR FIRST EBENEZER

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen.

He named it Ebenezer, saying,

"Thus far the Lord has helped us."

1 Samuel 7:12

For over a year I have had this idea brewing. Well, my idea is finally coming to fruition. Last Thanksgiving Anna was part of a worship dance at my brothers church. She and 7 of her girl cousins were a part of it. It was to the song "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." There is a verse in the song that goes as follows...

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Here by Thy great Help I've Come.

And I hope by some good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home.

So my idea has been to raise our own family Ebenezers. Just like Samuel did at Mizpah and Shem. He raised the Ebenezer, or rock, and said, "Thus far the Lord has helped us. " I wanted us to have a tangible, visible reminder of how the Lord has helped us. Little did I know how desperate we would be for His continual, moment to moment help this year. My thought was for us to incorporate it into our family devotion time at dinner or breakfast. I wanted to pick out different times in our life as a family that God has shown himself in outstanding ways.

So that brings me to last July. I had never mentioned the idea to Greg until then. We were up at my parent's cabin where there is an abundance of rocks down by the lake. I asked my dad if we could take some home with us. You can picture the look on Greg's face when I told him I wanted to collect a bunch of rocks and take them from Wisconsin to Missouri and then to Oklahoma. We were in the midst of packing up our whole life and moving... now we were adding a pile of rocks to the rest of our belongings. He was game, in the back of the minivan the rocks went.

The kids knew they were for something, they just didn't know what specifically. So this morning I finally brought in one from our front flowerbed and we talked about what we wanted to paint on it. On each rock we will paint a word to represent God for who He is to us in different seasons of our family's life. So today we painted COMFORTER on our first family Ebenezer. The verse that we are memorizing to go along with this Ebenezer (I love that word) is...

Jeremiah 31:13b

I will turn their mourning into joy, I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.

This rock is to represent this time in our lives, a time of grief over losing our sweet baby Samuel. We are in desperate need of God's comfort. We trust His promises that He will turn our mourning into joy and give us gladness once again. When I realized that the verse in the Bible that is referenced in the song "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing" comes from the book of Samuel and refers to Samuel raising the Ebenezer my heart is touched. I will always remember we started raising our family Ebenezers right after losing our Samuel.

So the plan is to continue on with our rocks during our family devotions. This morning the kids were throwing out all sorts of seasons we have gone through... our time at the seminary when God was our provider, when Greg had his cancer and God was our healer, the birth of our 5 children when God was our life giver. We plan on putting them back out in the flower bed so anyone who comes into this home will know who we put our trust in and who He is to us. The kids were already discussing who gets to keep which rocks when they get older and move from home. Yikes! I told them they can then start making their own family's Ebenezers. I will try to take a picture of different Ebenezers that we paint.

During this time I think it will be a great for me to continually be reminded of all God has done for us. It is so easy for me to settle back into how I am feeling which hasn't always been real great these last 6 weeks. I have felt sad missing my son. I have felt uncomfortable as the tears can come at any time... (ask Greg they even come uncontrollably in the middle of Hobby Lobby). I have felt my empty arms ache to hold my baby again. I have felt physical reminders that I should be caring for a child that is no longer with me. I have felt despair when the reality of my loss sets in. I have felt lonely in the middle of the night when sleep is hard to come by. I have felt despair and hopelessness. And I have also felt thankful for my wonderful, ever supportive husband who continues to love me regardless of the peaks and valleys I go through each day. I have felt blessed to spend each day with my four living children.

God is still God, He is still seated on the His throne and the throne of my life. I will continue to put my faith in Him no matter how I feel. We will continue to raise our Ebenezers and thank our God for HIS HELP THUS FAR.

BROKEN BONES AND MENDING HEARTS

We have now experienced our first broken bone in the Hintz house. Louis broke his wrist playing soccer on the driveway. Dad says in the future we should try to do those things in the grass.
Louis is such a tender hearted kid. He has really been such a huge help to me this past month. There have been mornings he has fed the little ones when I have found it hard to just get out of bed. He wrote me a note today saying that he is praying for me. I am blessed by God to have a son who has the kind of heart he does and is old enough to understand somewhat what his mother is going through. All in all the kids are doing well with the loss of Samuel. We have had more tears as of late, more questions about why Samuel had to die and I am not sure why. I think maybe the shock of his death has worn off and the reality has set in for all of us. Tonight JOJO prayed that God would give us another baby and that it wouldn't die. He has been praying for that same thing all week. So sweet to pray for another brother or sister. At the same time it just breaks my heart that my 3 year old is praying that another sibling wouldn't die. That is one thing that just tore at my heart initially was the loss this would be for my children. Today at the orthopedic Doctor, Louis told me that when the nurse asked him how many siblings he had, he answered 3 brothers and 1 sister. He said he was too choked up to tell her that one of his brothers had died. What a sweet, sensitive spirit my Louis has.

I know I mentioned about the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that has photographers who offer their services to families who have lost babies. One of their great volunteers Kaycee Deen is the one who came to the hospital the day Samuel was born and photographed our family. She and Loy, the gentleman that helped her were amazing, so respectful of our family and what we were going through at the moment. They were sensitive, kind and compassionate. They captured the only moments we had with Samuel as a family of 7. They captured all of his beautiful, precious parts. Their gift to us is priceless.

She just emailed me telling me the rest of the photos were done and she was just putting the slide show together. The further away I get from our short time with Samuel the more I realize how important those photos will be for me and my family. That day we were able to spend about 4 1/2 hours holding and just taking in every detail of Samuel and who he was. It was one of the best days and worst days of my life. The best in the sense of it being spent with him, the worst in the sense of having to say goodbye to him so soon. I inspected every inch of his sweet little body. Oh how I miss having him in my arms and looking back I wish we would have held him longer. The nurses were great and gave us all of the time we needed. I just knew as time was passing the longer I held him the harder it would be to say goodbye... it was just getting to that point. I knew if I had him any longer I wasn't going to be able to give him up. So I know now if I had held him for another 15 minutes or 5 hours it never would have been enough. I wanted a lifetime with him, how can you possibly squeeze that into 4 hours... but we sure tried.

I wanted to pass along info from our photographer to any of you who might be in the greater Tulsa area. She is a part of a group that is donating their photography services to a families that can't afford to pay for them. It is a called Giving is awesome. She will give a free photo session and $2000 worth of products to a worthy recipient, no strings attached. You can find our more information on her blog http://www.kayceedeen.blogspot.com/ She is looking for people to nominate others who might deserve and love to have such a precious gift.

Kaycee also mentioned to me in her email that she had always thought of grief as a steady climb, like a 45 degree angle going up from despair to eventual happiness. But that she now realizes it is the opposite, full of peaks and valleys. I couldn't agree more. Like I mentioned earlier that the reality of our life as it is now has set in. That child that we planned for, longed, for is gone. I am happy for Samuel in the sense that he is in eternity with our Savior. But I grieve for our loss here on earth. How I long to go back to who I was 7 weeks ago. I feel like I am a totally different person. I know that God will use the loss of Samuel to grow me, refine me, and change me. I know God is sovereign and nothing takes him by surprise... so He will use it. When I am in the valley, I don't like the life I am living now, it is despair. Greg keeps reminding me of the peaks... the better moments, the high places. This summer I was reading Hinds Feet on High Places, I only got 1/2 way through. I think its about time I pick up that book and finish it. Then maybe I will have a clearer picture of how God can and will raise me up to the high places.

OK enough rambling for one night. The Hintz crew thanks you for all of your prayers. We would love for you to continue to pray for us if you think of it. It brings us comfort and we know God answers prayers.

BROTHERLY LOVE

Caleb and his baby brother

Louis and Samuel

I can't begin to tell you how excited these boys were to meet and spend time with their brother. We all just thought we would have a whole lot more time with him than we did. Tonight at bed Caleb was praying and he thanked God for all of the time that he got to spend with Samuel.

I have to admit that being at church has been difficult for me since Samuel died. There are many pregnant women and lots of little babies. But that isn't all of it. It has been hard to sing the words to many songs without losing it. So much of what we sing just doesn't coincide with how I am feeling. Greg keeps informing me that I can't rely on my feelings. God is who His word says He is. I can take Him at His word. That is something I just keep having to remind myself of. Sometimes it does bring me comfort to just listen to others sing the words when I can't sing them myself.

Kleenex has become a staple in my purse these days:) The tears flow so easily and often. The kids and I were in the front row. Eventually Greg came down and sat with me, he could see I was having a rough day. It was so nice to have someone sit with me and hold my hand... besides the kids. To think that the Lord collects all my tears. He must have quite a large container. The kids told me the other day that God must collect at least 2 gallons of tears from me a day.

In church today one of the scriptures was talking about how with the Lord a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day. Many people try to comfort me by telling me that we will be reunited with Samuel in Heaven one day. That is true and at times it does bring me comfort... but honestly in my own human mind sometimes Heaven just seems so far away. This verse brought me comfort today... maybe the many years that it may be until I get to see Samuel again can be like a day instead of seeming so far off. Then again we never thought Samuel would be taken so early... we never know when it will be our turn to join him:) I have to admit I have never longed for Heaven like I have in the last month. I wish it wasn't my son being there that would make me long in such a way for my eternal home.

We will get our first real taste of what life will be like as a Pastor's family at Christmas. It will just be us here, I think we may try to see if there are any people who don't have family here to come be with us on Christmas Day. I realized Greg will have church at 5:00, 7:00 and 11:00 on Christmas Eve. I guess the 11:00 service lasts almost 2 hours. So I am trying to figure out what I can do to make Christmas Eve special with just the kids and I while Greg is gone. Anyone have any neat ideas for me? We will really miss being with extended family but I am actually excited to start new traditions that will work for our family and Greg's job. I certainly know that I am not the only one who will not have their husband with them on Christmas Eve, there are many people who have lost spouses or whose spouses are over seas fighting for our freedom.

I have felt a little unsure and sad about how Christmas will be just not having our baby here with us. I was so looking forward to celebrating and having a newborn in the house for Christmas. At times I have thought, I don't feel much like celebrating at all. While at the sem, I had the blessed opportunity to learn from a very wise lady named Myra. I will never forget her telling us ladies that she had been talking with someone who was sad about celebrating Christmas because this woman had lost a loved one recently. She was very compassionate, but also said that the Christmas is about celebrating Jesus and that Jesus would be there with her and Jesus is enough. It is ok to miss Samuel and the fun we would have had with him. But I am trying to make that my focus that Jesus is enough. He is enough to sustain me and give me a hope for the future. His birthday is certainly worth celebrating even when we are grieving the loss of our child.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I am learning so much about what people go through when they grieve. It is such an up and down journey. I can be feeling fairly decent and then the weirdest things can just bring it all back, fresh, raw, deep, sorrow. It is amazing how so much makes me think of Samuel or relates to him in some way. That may not make sense to someone who hasn't been in the situation of losing a loved one so close to them. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to feel some of the things I have felt. There have been many moments of feeling just hopeless. This verse is one that I cling to then. Even though I may be feeling hopeless, God tells me he has plans for me... plans to prosper and not harm me, to give me a hope and a future. So I will trust HIM.

SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME SMILE

NOW THIS WARMS MY HEART AND MAKES ME SMILE

CHILLY ROSY CHEEKED RASCAL

I have always wanted a large family. I am one of 5 kids, and I clearly remember on a family vacation when I was in 5th grade telling my parents I wanted 8 kids. We were driving in the car and immediately all of siblings were acting all crazy, demanding my attention, climbing all around me, they kept this up for a few minutes and then asked me, "Now how many kids do you want?" I replied, "Still 8." Then they started up with their antics and the whole scenario replayed itself until I think they gave up realizing I wasn't going to change my mind.

Since I have been married I have never really said that I want any particular number of kids. I just knew I would take whatever the Lord blessed me with, and be so very grateful. I have had numerous situations shopping lately where people have asked me how many children I have. Normally this would be such an easy question to answer. I know that I have 5 kids, they see only 4. I wonder do I actually go there and explain my situation to the checker at Walmart. I am sure I will be faced with this question over and over again. I value Samuel's life, he is just as much one of my children as are the 4 I just put to bed. So I have started to reply to people that actually I have 4 kids here with me and 1 safe in Heaven. It is kind of wild, not what they are expecting to hear, but it is the truth.

So the top picture of Anna and Jo just makes me smile. When we moved from the sem. we took Jo out of the crib thinking that the new baby would need it. We bought Anna bunk beds that she was to share with Jo. Well we could of stuck with just one bed, Anna and Jo love to be close and snuggle in the same bed. So this was how I found them the other night, sound asleep and holding hands. How precious is that?

A lot of people have said since Samuel's passing that I should be thankful for the 4 kids that I have here with me and that I am blessed. They have said it in a very compassionate way, not like it may sound. I know that I am sooooo blessed to have Louis, Caleb, Anna, and Jo with me here. I am so grateful to God for each of them. But just because I have my other kids doesn't make me miss Samuel any less, or doesn't really make the grief lessen any.

As each day passes I realize all the more that this isn't something that I will get OVER. It will be something I will get THROUGH, and only by the grace of God. My grandma Henrietta (isn't that the cutest name?) lost a son when he was around 3 years old. My mom said that she never really talked about him. I guess people didn't talk about those kinds of things back then. My uncle asked her in her last years if she ever thought about him. She said that there wasn't a day that went by that she didn't think of him.

Wow, that just struck me... I think that is how it will be for me. And you know what? I am fine with that. I want to think of my sweet 5th child and always remember the precious 9 months I had him with me. I want to look at his pictures and be in awe of the blessing Samuel was and how perfectly God knit him together. I want to remember him wiggling around inside of me. I want to cherish the times where I had the many little hands of my other children on my tummy feeling their little brother kick. What great memories, memories I will cherish for a lifetime.

BROKENHEARTED

Today I am brokenhearted. I miss my son. Yesterday I actually felt good for a couple of hours as we spent some time together as a family. Then the grief just seems to blind side me. I called Greg a few minutes ago, he took Louis to an early morning Dentist appointment.

He told me he was on the way to the Funeral Home to pick up Samuel's remains and Death Certificate. I just keep asking myself... How can my husband be going to pick up the remains of our son? It's going to be a tough day.

When we were in the hospital and knew Samuel was already with the Lord we were faced with so many decisions that had to be made fairly quickly. I wanted Samuel's Memorial service to be a celebration of the 9 months we had with him and a celebration of the life he has now in Heaven. Since Greg is only a vicar right now and that is a one year deal with the possibility to convert to a full time call next year we don't know for sure how long we will be in Oklahoma. I couldn't stand the thought of possibly leaving here in 8 months and having to leave Samuel here where ever we buried him. That is part of the reason we decided to have his body cremated. We want to be able to have him with us if this isn't where we will be long term. Only God knows that answer to that one at this point in time.

I remember last year when we were home in Feb. we announced we were expecting another baby. The funny thing was so much of our future was uncertain. The way we announced Samuel's upcoming arrival was Greg was drawing a map of the US and was showing locations of where he had already had interviews with churches. This won't make any sense, but he was drawing the map to look like a woman's body. On the map or body, Oklahoma was the belly button. He was saying we may be here we may be there, but one thing we know for certain is that we will be having this in our future and he drew a little baby under the belly button. You have to understand... he was telling aunts, uncles and lots of cousins. Greg is always out for a good laugh and he got one that day. Everyone thought the map stunk but were so excited for the new addition to the family. At that time we seemed certain of the future that God for us in respect to another member, we just never realized that Samuel wasn't meant to stay with us here on earth. Now the future seems so uncertain in so many respects. One thing is certain though, we will continue to trust our Heavenly Father.

The pain is so deep. The pain is raw and intense. I don't want to waste this pain. If I am feeling this way, the Lord has to have a purpose in it. I have to admit through the tears I don't see it at all right now... but I am praying and trusting that with time some of that purpose will be revealed.

I know that these remains are only the remains of Samuel's physical earthly body, and that he is really very much alive with Christ. For that I am so thankful, but I selfishly, humanly grieve the life that was lost here with us, his earthly family. Today I am brokenhearted... I miss my son.

THE LORD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED AND SAVES THOSE WHO ARE CRUSHED IN SPIRIT. PSALM 34:18