6 MONTHS SINCE WE HELD HIM IN OUR ARMS...HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS

OUR BALLOON RELEASE

CALEB


ANNA...ISN'T HER EXPRESSION PRECIOUS...



LOU

JOJO

Boy has the weather here in Oklahoma matched my mood over the last 2 days. It has rained pretty much all day the last 2 days. Isn't it comforting to know that the Lord collects our tears? That comforts me, even when the tears that fall are like the rain that floods the earth, he knows them all, he collects every single one, each one is seen by HIM.

My sweet husband came home from jury duty yesterday with a beautiful flower arrangement for me. I will have to take a picture of it to post later. He told me that when the florist asked what the flowers were for, he couldn't get it out to her, he was too emotional. My poor sweet husband, what a tender heart he has... and I am so blessed by that. Have I told you before that I am married to the best guy ever? He then needed to explain to our sweet house guest, the birth mother, why yesterday and today were going to be hard for us. She was very understanding. The kids are just falling in love with her. We are having lots of great discussions with her, she is very open with us. Please pray that God uses this time to really help her focus on Him and His plan for her life. Today she said she wrote a song about God's purpose for her. That just warmed my heart.

I don't know why, but I really felt a need to do something to celebrate Samuel's life yesterday and today. I never imagined anniversary type days to be really that much different than other days, but the truth is they are. Today I couldn't help but remember October 30th, the one and only day I got to hold and snuggle my sweet boy in my arms this side of Heaven. I couldn't help replay what happened that day, the emotions, our time as a family with him. It is so precious to me. I miss his wonderful, funny little toes. I miss his sweet newborn smell. I miss just pressing his face to mine... I just miss him, all of him, every stinking, precious piece of him.

I know Greg thought it was a little crazy, but for some reason I wanted to write some messages on balloons and send them up to Samuel. Now I know that He wasn't really going to get them... The kids understood that too. And for all of you environmentalists out there... sorry... but it felt like the right thing to do. The big boys wrote out their messages. The teacher in me wanted to correct thier spelling... but I let it go this time:) I copied what Jojo and Anna wanted to say to him on their balloons. Greg did his before he left for jury duty again, and I had my balloon too. The kids and I went outside and let them all go together. We watched them till we couldn't see them anymore. Then we held hands and prayed and thanked God for the sweet, precious, short, life of Samuel.

Today I had a great conversation with my sister-in-law. We were talking about the verse in James where it says to Consider it pure joy, when you face trials of many kinds. It dawned on me for the first time it says... Consider it pure joy. It doesn't say jump and and down for joy. Are we really supposed to be joyful when a loved one gets cancer, when we know how they will suffer? Are we really supposed to be joyful when our child dies? Are we really suppose to be joyful when someone gets killed by a drunk driver? I completely understand that when a believer dies they are immediately with Jesus in paradise... Heaven, just like the thief on the cross. That fact brings me great comfort. But I kind of feel that the joy part comes in knowing that God will sustain you through those trials. He will work good from those trials. The joy comes in knowing who God is and what He will do through the trial... not necessarily having joy, excited, jolly joy for the trial or cancer or death itself. It is more like reminding us to consider what will be the end result of the trial. We certainly know God does his greatest growing and changing of us in the challenges of this life. For that we can have joy. Now I am no theologian and who knows I may be completely off base on this... I will have to get my husbands opinion... :)

So today we thank God for our 5th child, our 4th son, our Samuel. We thank God for the wonderful 9 months we had with him celebrating that he was a part of our family. We are so thankful God chose us to be his family. And we thank God for sustaining us over the past 6 months.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

STILL SO MANY QUESTIONS

Our precious, precious Samuel

I often look at this picture of our WHOLE family, one of the few that we have, and inspect everyones faces. Each person's expressions tells so much of what they were feeling that day and also how they were processing what had happened. My heart grieves looking at my older boys and Greg's expressions. They were trying so hard to smile, yet you see the sadness in their eyes. Then you see sweet Anna and Jojo, certainly not really grasping all that had happened. Then there is sweet Samuel's body right there in the middle of us all.

That right there is what pains me too. His body was there, but not his spirit. Did he ever feel the love that this family had for him and still has? Did he know that love? Could he feel any of that when he was in my womb? Could he feel the love and excitement of his brothers and sister when they painted my belly? I know I did my best to care for him while he was growing inside me... but the thought they he may not have known the love of all of us, our whole family just saddens me.

I am going to be up front... this is not a feel good kind of post. So if you are looking for that you might not want to keep reading. But you know this is my blog, and I am going to be honest about where I am at and how I am feeling. I know there are many other women who are unfortunately, walking the same path I am on and I know they understand. I guess part of why I put it out there is to help others who aren't on the same path of grief to understand it a little better.

Today is Wednesday the 29th and tomorrow is Thursday the 30th. For some reason that makes it worse for me this month. Usually the 29th hasn't fallen on a Wednesday like it does this week. I remember exactly 6 months ago at this time, I was probably vacuuming the house clueless as to what had happened to Samuel yet... I hadn't noticed his lack of movement. Praise God I have had a better last couple of weeks... but I could slowly feel that slipping away over the past couple of days. Greg and I have really been in prayer about it... but I think that is part of the grief journey. For the past couple of weeks I felt like I could really accept God's will in taking Samuel so early. I didn't like it, or how it felt, but I could accept it. I didn't really have any questions that were pressing on my heart and mind. The anger and bitterness had subsided. Praise God!

Starting yesterday, with more disappointing news that we received, I could feel the questions coming back again. I feel like a ping pong ball bouncing between all of the stages of grief.... heck, I don't even know them all... I can't think clearly these days... grief, denial, acceptance, anger, grief, denial, acceptance, anger. It is exhausting! It is amazing how just when you feel you have conquered one or passed that stage you can go back and revisit it. You know with each disappointment that comes my way... I just question what is God's plan or purpose in all this pain and hurt? Last week I didn't feel the need to understand God's plan at all, this week it is different. I just don't understand his purpose in taking Samuel so soon. I feel like I keep getting put in almost unbearable situations... for example, a room full of people, this person could choose ANYWHERE to sit with the newborn she is holding, but yet chooses the seat right in front of me. She knows my situation. So there I sat with that newborns face over her shoulder bouncing in my face, having to watch them adore every coo and sweet thing that baby did. I get it...it is adorable. But when you just gave up your newborn it is not easy to watch, let alone have to watch so up close. I of course cried, almost got up and left, but the Lord gave me strength. Things like that, what is the purpose in that Lord?

One more example, this sweet birth mom who is living at our house, had a Dr.s appt. scheduled today at the same hospital we delivered Samuel at, on a Wednesday the 29th, at almost the exact same time we headed there to find out Samuel was already gone. I just knew I wouldn't be able to drive her to that place TODAY of all days. Does that make sense to anyone? Thankfully the appt. got cancelled. Now, I know it is no ones fault, but what are the chances of all of that coming together at the same time? Sometimes I wonder, what are you doing Lord, what is your purpose in all of this? You know there are times I wonder if I will ever see His good in all of this on this side of heaven. You hear of stillborns happening to others, rarely though, but why did it have to happen to us, to our family, to my children? Why not us, I guess?

I am weary today. I am tired of walking by the closet packed with diapers, (thanks to our generous congregation), wondering if the Lord will ever bless us with another child to use them on. I am tired of looking at the boxes of brand new, sweet, precious, baby clothes, and wondering if they will ever get used, I am tired of tired of snuggling up in sweet soft blankets and not snuggling up to my sweet soft baby boy. I am tired of my empty arms.

Mainly, today I am feeling brokenhearted again, my heart still aches everyday for Samuel, but today the intensity of it all is back. The kids talk every day about what he would be doing by now. I can't believe that he would be 6 months old already. Having had other children before Him, I FULLY know all that I am missing and that is hard. I know some may not want to hear all of this... but this the reality of what GRIEF looks like 6 months later, and it isn't really very pretty, nor does it feel pretty. So we would appreciate any prayers on our behalf. Greg and I both know the next couple of days will be rough. We are thankful that even during the brutal, really difficult times we know that the Lord is close to us.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

A DIFFERENT JOURNEY

Jojo and Papa at the sem. last year.

I love this picture of our family and Carlotta walking down the street after Springfest last year at the seminary.

I am not sure why I am posting pictures from last year... maybe I am feeling a little nostalgic, maybe I am missing happier, more carefree times... maybe I am missing our seminary life a bit...maybe I haven't taken any decent pictures lately... Who knows, probably a little bit of all of that.

I guess the reason for the post title... A Different Journey. Wow, we are so not on the journey I was anticipating. There was so much I thought I would be doing now that I am not. And so much that I am doing now that I NEVER thought I would be doing. First of all, I really thought I would be heading to the big boys soccer games with my baby in the sling. I really thought I would be putting the great new jogging stroller to use with my new baby... not my 4 and 6 year olds. I really thought I would just be moving that precious baby out of my room and into his crib (who knows I probably would have put it off for much longer:) I really thought I would have a baby, my son, in my arms to snuggle at night. So much is not as I thought it would be.

I never thought I would be trying to arrange all of the plants for a garden to memorialize my son. I never thought I would be walking by his ashes each day as I get my clothes out of my closet. I never thought my heart could hurt like it has... and still does. And I never thought that I would have a 15 year old birth mom living with us. Yep, that is right. She is just precious. The kids just love her and she is really a sweetheart. She is planning on placing her baby for adoption so she is interviewing other perspective adoptive parents. We knew if we agreed to have her live here, we had to do it fully with no selfish motives AT ALL. And we are good with that. We are so thankful that she was brave enough to choose life for her baby. So we hope to love on her for the next few months. Her baby is due in September... a little girl. Please pray that the Lord will use us in her life in a great way and that He will protect her and the little one she is carrying.

I remember last year when I would go with the pro-life group to Planned Parenthood feeling like I wanted to do more. I wanted to call out to those girls, " You have other options, you don't have to do this, I would love to care for your baby!" I would have meant it too. I have always thought that if we are going to value life... we need to help those who choose life and are in a rough spot. CPO, the adoption agency we are working with, really does that and it is inspiring to see. We went to their fundraising banquet last Friday. They do so much for these girls. And the whole place is run by volunteers who give selflessly of their time and energy. The director is just amazing. The night was really neat and helped us see so much more of the ministry they provide for these girls. It is awesome!

So we are definitely on a different journey than what WE had planned. We will see what the Lord has in store for us. We would appreciate your prayers as always:)

JESUS' LITTLE LAMB

This was a present that was just sent to me from a sweet friend in Texas (Thanks Roxanne:) It is the softest ever little lamb with a tag especially made with Samuel's picture on it. I am one of those crazy grown women who still sleep with a stuffed animal. So this little guy has kept me company on a few difficult nights. When I touch the soft material I am just drawn back to feeling Samuel's sweet velvet soft skin... oh, so precious, and oh how much I miss touching it and feeling the weight of Samuel in my arms. It also came with some "sleep" bath gel and lotion. It was wonderful. But I loved the wonderful, kind words I received with the gift even more. I just thought the lamb was so precious I had to share.

PRAISING GOD FOR HIS GOODNESS!

Check out the miracle the Lord brought into the Bevins family's life this week. We are praising God with them over His wonderful, sweet little 8 lb 8 oz. blessing. Isn't it nice to be able to look back at the REALLY difficult times and see His provision. We are so happy for them.
See their new gift from God at www.bevinsfamily.blogspot.com

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES:)

Call day last year at the seminary

This is one of my favorite pictures of our whole family...

even little Samuel in the womb:)

So this Wednesday is Call Day at the Seminary. We have been praying for our dear friends that are there awaiting their vicarages or calls. It seems that we have a lot of friends that are in a similar spot to where we were last year. They will be getting vicarges that will most likely convert to calls after a year. Ahhhh, I remember the stress of that day. Honestly, I am not one to stress over things... but I was stressing that day. It is such a strange feeling to know that your future is in the hands of the seminary... well really God, but He uses the seminary to place you where you will go. So our hearts are with our friends there and our prayers are lifted up on their behalf as the Lords plans for their future will be revealed to them today. We decided not to go up for Call Day but Greg should be receiving his Call officially to Immanuel at that service as well. Wow, it would be such a treat to be hanging out with all of our special friends behind building four:) I really miss those days, God blessed us with such special times there.

So here are a few funny or interesting things that our kids have said lately...

Anna today asked if I thought Samuel would be a baby in Heaven or grown up? I told her in a way I hope he is a baby so I can hold him since I didn't get to do that much im while he was here. But then again he may be all grown up. He may just walk up to me and I will recognize that he is my son.

I tried to wake Jojo from his nap today and while he was still in the fog, he said, "I want to go by baby Samuel. He was dreaming about his little brother. After he woke up we talked about his dream. It was nothing really amazing, they were just playing together. I thought that was so cool. I wish I had dreams about him... maybe sometime I will.

Last month while we were up north, my parents had a big family meal, our family, my brother John's family and then 2 couples from around the lake that used to be our neighbors. After the meal my dad asked if anyone had anything that they wanted prayer for... well Caleb busts out with, "Pray that my momma gets pregnant." The neighbors thought that was pretty hilarious. Caleb's heart is so sweet, he had no idea that wasn't something you say infront of a whole mess of people. Of course he has no idea how a baby gets there to begin with. It was funny, he was just putting out there his prayer request.

Tonight Louis asked me if we had teen singing stars when I was little. I think secretly he wants to be one:) I couldn't recall any... except for the Brady Bunch kids in an episode on that show:) Boy have times changed.

By the way Stellan's surgery seems to have gone well. He is recovering in Boston. Praise God! We are thanking God for His care and provision for Stellan.

PRAYING FOR STELLAN

This morning we are praying for a sweet baby boy named Stellan. This little guy has a special place in our hearts. He was diagnosed prenatally with a heart condition that they thought would be fatal. Praise God he was born healthy. I remember waking up the morning of October 29th knowing that his mama, aka Mckmamma, was going in for a C-section. I woke up and checked her blog to see how he was...he was born healthy and strong... no signs of his heart problem. Later that morning I noticed Samuel hadn't moved and that was the start of our new changed life. So this little guy now almost 6 months old has a special place in our hearts. On that same day we were praising God for his safe protection of Stellan and also asking Why what is your purpose in allowing this to happen to our sweet boy?

Anyways... fast forward to today. Little Stellan was flown from the Frozen Tundra....of MN. to Boston for an ablation, a risky heart surgery for someone so young. His SVT had returned and he had been hospitalized for the last month. So please join us in praying for this little guy. We are praying that the Lord, the GREAT physician, would guide the hands of those Doctors working on Stellan. Go check out his mom's blog http://www.mycharmingkids.net/. Mckmamma is so witty, a great Christian woman and one who encourages me greatly.