CHRISTMAS IN MARCH

Every since Samuel died I have been wanting a necklace to represent him. I just want something hanging close to my heart that makes me feel close to him in some way... probably sounds strange to some. It is funny the things that make me feel close to him. Greg and I have our "Samuel" blanket that our seminary friends sent to us, laying on our bed. Every night I snuggle up to Greg, under that blanket and it makes me somehow feel wrapped up in the love that I have for Samuel as his mother... it makes me feel close to him.

So I considered a necklace with his footprint on it, that the funeral home offered us. I thought about a birthstone necklace and other things... and then I found the perfect thing for me. Greg had said that whatever I found could be my Christmas present... I just needed to pick it out. I love taking pictures of my kids so I decided to have a necklace made by Shawna at http://www.fireflyphotojewelry.etsy.com/ Her prices were so good, compared to other photo jewelry sites that I have seen, that I decided to have a bracelet made also. She did a beautiful job and I absolutely love both pieces. All of the photos and charms are doubled sided. They are exactly what I wanted, and I love that I can have a little bit of Samuel close to me.

Today we went out to a members farm... they were sharing some of their recently slaughtered cow with us...they shared tons with us. We were just going to stop by and pick it up but we ended up staying for hours and had dinner with them. She is an amazing cook. They live out further in the country and have tons of chickens, cows, and bunnies. The kids were begging for a bunny. We will have to see on that one. Anna and Jo just sat and held them forever. It was pretty precious. They are going to set us up with eggs and an incubator to hatch chickens. The kids are so excited about that. It felt so good to be there. It was refreshing for me... I love that kind of life. The kids were kept so busy with the animals and the land... the fun and freedom of the country. It just seems slower paced to me and I love that.

THIS SWEET BOY IS 4!

SWEET BABY JO... HE HAD THE BEST GOLDEN, REDDISH HAIR

Oh our precious Jojo is 4. It seems impossible to me. To be honest it is quite bittersweet for me. Jojo is the youngest in the house and it shouldn't be that way... it doesn't feel right at all. He is not the youngest of our children but the youngest still living here with us. He seems so big and feels so old to me... it makes me sad. He is growing up so fast... Life is so fragile and fleeting. We never know if we will have tomorrow with the ones we love and that is all too real for us everyday.

I was taking a run with my sister-in-law while we were up north. We were talking about truly enjoying all the moments that each day holds. When I started talking about the longing I have for my heavenly home I think it freaked her out a bit...(Sorry sista:) I went on to explain to her that I do treasure each day with the kids. I treasure each child, they are just precious. I know I am so blessed to have the 4 with me each day. At the same time I have a great sadness in my heart and spirit. It seems weird that you can feel gratefulness, blessed beyond measure, yet at the same time feel such sorrow. I didn't know that the two could co-exist at the same time... but they do.

So today Jojo, Eli, Elijah T, Jo, Joey, E... got to be king of the day. (Greg keeps telling me we need to stop with the nicknames, that he won't know his real name... I just can't, at least not yet:) He picked pancakes for breakfast. The other kids were trying to convince him to pick ice cream sundaes. He was set on pancakes. We had a family from church over for lunch and it was so nice to have them here. The kids had a blast... and I really enjoyed having someone to talk to. I am thankful God brought them my way today.

Then tonight we had our good friends the Tiews over for dinner. We have celebrated every birthday with them over the last 3 years, here in OK and back in St. Louis at the sem. They took the kids when we were at the hospital having Samuel, their kids comforted our children when they spent that night trying to grasp that their baby brother was gone. Lula was the only one who saw Samuel besides our family and the Dr. and nurses. She knows exactly what we went through that day. She knows what it felt like to hold our son... not alive, not breathing... she held him. Looking back I wish other people could have seen him. Sometimes I feel like people just can't begin to grasp all that day entailed because they didn't experience any of it themselves nor did they see us in the situation. I know people think it had to be such a hard day... it was so much more than that. It was the death of so many things... Samuel of course, but the death of so many dreams for him and our family. My kids heard of another baby born this week and all 3 of the older kids just cried. They just don't understand why their brother didn't get to live like most babies. I don't really have an answer for them... I wonder the same thing. I keep trying to reassure them of God's love for us and His good plan for our family... but it is hard to see the good plan when it hurts so bad. We continue to wait to see that plan revealed in His timing. Oh, in reality, that is so hard to do.

Obviously I get to rambling, my point is... it is so nice to be with them. It is such a comfort to be with someone who was there, really experienced the loss with us. They are treasured friends. So we had dinner, talked and ate Jo's birthday dessert... Schaum torte. I thought it was pretty funny that out of all the desserts he could pick, he picked that.

So to our sweet Jo, we are so very, very, grateful that the Lord blessed us with you 4 years ago. I remember the day you were born... you surprised us, we figured you were a girl. And you were 2 lbs bigger than all of the others at 9 lbs. 6 oz. ( except your little brother Samuel, he was pretty close to you at 9.2 lbs) You have grown to be such a joy to us all. You make us all laugh and smile. You are so easy to raise, so good natured. You have such a sweet spirit, there are very few times that I get frustrated with you because you are just that easy going. You are so smart and say the funniest things. We love to watch you play by yourself, you entertain yourself with anything, but you especially love your trains and cars. You are just plain fun, we love living life with you little man. We can't wait to experience life with you and to see what the Lord has planned for you in the future. You are a treasure!

MORE NORTHERN FUN

THE KIDS WITH GRANDPA AND GRANDMA... THEY WERE SO GRACIOUS TO PUT UP WITH ALL OF THE NOISE FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS:)


ONE OF THE KIDS FAVORITE THINGS TO DO UP NORTH IS TO WATCH THE DEER EAT IN THE BACK YARD... I SPOOKED THE 4 THAT WERE RUNNING OFF... CAN YOU SEE THEM?

THIS WAS A SHEET OF ICE FROZEN A FOOT OFF THE GROUND...

ANNA, SOPHIE AND JO AFTER THEIR BIG SLEEPOVER

MORE FUN WITH THE COUSINS

So we arrived safe and sound back to the papa of the house... it was so nice to see him. The 12 hour road trip was pretty uneventful except for...

---the 35 minute detour down the Illinois toll road due to a wrong turn... Yikes!

---one sweet little girl hanging her head over a plastic bag due to a little bit of carsickness... poor Anna.

---no dinner till we arrived home at 8:30 due to a mother that didn't realize the turnpike started so soon... there aren't many exits with food once you are on that thing. Poor kids, they were good sports.

We had a great ride, we did have to pull out the old "QUIET GAME" just to save everyone's sanity for a bit. Jojo is always very serious about this game, especially when there is a treat at the end of it. He would bust out minutes after everyone else started up talking, "I won... see mama, I be the quietest." Man, he is so precious. We all get such a kick out of him.

We thank God for safe travel and for a great get-away time spent with sweet family and dear friends.

TODAY...

Today was a rough day for me. There are so many layers of grief... so many things that can set me back... so many feelings that are still so fresh and raw. I looked at my 6 year old niece today and it struck me a new. I will never know what Samuel would look like at six. I will never know what he would have acted like at 6. I wonder what he would look like now at four months. You know if I had to pick one age that I like best, I couldn't. I love them all. Newborns... so fresh, sweet, special, soft, so quickly passing. 6 months... so much fun, they are doing so many new things. 2 year old... a lot of people say terrible, I say terrific, their personalities just come to life, I love guiding and training them as they experience the world around them. So you get the picture... I love it all and I miss it all as far as Samuel is concerned. So much will never be and I mourn that. He had so many characteristics that resembled Anna at birth... but yet he had pieces of all of the kids. The other 4 look so different from one another, but I love that he seemed to be a combination of them all.


Today, my heart is aching for a new friend. We met Kim through MEND (the infant loss support group we attend). She and her husband have 4 children, 2 living with them and 2 living with our Lord. Can you imagine losing 2 children? She is an amazing woman of such strength. She has been a great encouragement to me. She and her husband were getting ready to welcome their next child into their home through adoption. They did get to bring their baby girl home... but a few hours later their birth mother changed her mind. It was a complete surprise to them. Please pray for them. Their hearts are broken but they are steadfast in their faith. Their blog is http://www.bevinsfamily.blogspot.com/ feel free to stop by and leave them a note of encouragement if you feel led. Thanks prayer warriors.

Today I am seeing the brokenness of this fallen world again... Today I am on my knees...Today I am clinging to the fact that God is the same today as He was yesterday and will be in the future. He is still Good even when life is so hard...

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

THE NORTHWOODS

CALEB OUTSIDE CATCHING HUGE SNOWFLAKES

COUSIN TIME

BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS FROM MY 10 YEAR OLD NIECE CALLIE ANN

So we are still up north enjoying time with family. It has been wonderful. We had a gorgeous snowstorm yesterday. The flakes were literally like an inch in diameter. They looked like cotton balls falling from the sky. It was beautiful, I am so glad we were able to be up here for at least a little bit of snow. This northern girl misses Winter. I know some may think that is crazy but when you grow up snowmobiling, snow skiing and just plain enjoying the snow... you miss it when you don't get the chance to play in it. One of my favorite winter quotes that is on a wall display at a army surplus store up here is ..."The is no such thing as bad weather... just inappropriate clothing." I love it... so true.

So the kids are enjoying time with their grandparents and cousins. And I am enjoying time with my parents and siblings... and wives. Tonight we had dinner with old neighbors from around the lake, lots of smiles. Both of these couples are a part of the small group bible study that we used to go to when we lived here. Today I went to the Y with my sister-in-law Jane to work out. I was blessed to see an old friend from our old church there. I literally saw her down in the gym from upstairs on the track. I ran her down...it was so nice to see her... so nice to get a warm hug from her (Hi Connie:) she took the time a couple of months back to write me a beautiful letter that really encouraged me. I had to apologize that I never wrote back. I have been meaning to. The old Sara loved to write to people... I still want to love it. I actually enjoy writing Thank you notes or notes of encouragement to people. That is one thing that I am so sad to say has changed since Samuel died. I just can't seem to get motivated to sit down and do it like I used to. So much about me has changed. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I know I am forever different because of Samuel and my immense love for that sweet boy... but will parts of me return to be like I used to be? I know it sounds strange, but it is just another weird reality of life after a loss.

So we think we will be leaving Wednesday... that is still up for debate. The kids want to stay longer... part of me would too. The 12 hour drive back won't be bad, the kids are great travelers. Seeing Greg will be great. Being 12 hours away from family... now that will be rough I am sure. I don't even like thinking about that... so for now I won't. I keep encouraging visitors... I am still trying to find some really fun things to do near us... any ideas anyone? I am not trying to slam OK... but it just doesn't seem to be the destination vacation spot for most people. I would love any ideas:)

WISCONSIN CONTINUED

The cousins taking a break from hunting for sheds(deer antlers) in the woods.

The kids with the Boggs Bunch

Our sweet Godson Asher...could he be any cuter or have longer eyelashes?

We are completely enjoying our time up here in Wisconsin. But boy do I miss my hubby back home. I don't think we have talked as much in the past 15 years of marriage combined as we have in the last 4 months. No, that is probably not true, but I really miss just hanging out at night on the couch, after the kids are in bed, watching an episode of the office, and talking about everything that is going on in our crazy life.

My parents live on a big plot of land with my 2 brothers and one other family. Before we moved to the seminary we lived less than a mile away just on the other side of this little lake called Pretty Lake.... Yep, that is really the name, and it really is Pretty. So it has been so nice to be back in our old neighborhood.

The big boys are having their 3rd sleepover of the week with their cousins. Tonight after I told them they could have yet another sleepover Louis bust out with, "This is the best week of my life!" They are having a ball. Anna actually had her first little sleepover with her cousin and best little buddy Sophia. They were so excited to be a part of what the big kids do.

So tonight we went and had dinner at my brother's church. It is sort of a fellowship dinner that they do each week that my sister-in-law helped organize. Afterwards my brother leads a bit of worship before a time of prayer. I wasn't sure if I was going to stay for that, but it turns out I did. I think the Lord just nudged my heart. With Greg being in ministry I am always interested to see different things that different churches do and how they do it. It was a beautiful time of worship, praise and prayer. My brother requested prayer for me regarding healing from the loss of Samuel. It was amazing to be surrounded by mostly complete strangers, who just laid their hands on me and prayed for healing for me, the rest of my family, strength for my marriage, and unity in our whole extended family. Wow, the Lord knew I needed that. It was so neat to see the body of Christ at work, reaching out and approaching the throne of God on behalf of a sister in Christ, someone they didn't even know. They weren't afraid to minister to me in my grief. Ahhhh, it was a comfort. It blessed me greatly.

All of that just makes me realize more and more the pain that people experience in this life. I don't want all that we are going through and all that we are learning through this experience to be wasted. I know that this side of Heaven I may never see why the Lord took Samuel so soon, but I do want to be able to see some purpose in it. I have seen how when people minister to me how it can encourage and refresh me in those heavy, clouded times. I want to use this for God's glory... to really be able to minister to others who are suffering. I don't want people to feel alone or to feel that people don't care about them when they are suffering. We are all so busy nowadays, so concerned with what is going on in our day to day lives, that it is so easy just to look inward and not be looking outward at what our neighbor or maybe even a complete stranger might need. I was on the receiving end tonight and wow, to see the body of Christ at work was so neat. So, I really have no idea how God is going to use this suffering in our lives... but I know I want to be completely open to his leading. I pray He will reveal it to us in time if it is in a certain type of ministry for Greg and I or it may be bit by bit, day by day, as we minister or help those He brings across our path in this life.

WE'VE ARRIVED

We pulled in later Sunday night after spending 2 nights with the Boggs crew...(pictures to come:) They were so gracious to let us hunker down with them. It was really a blessing to be able to see some of our friends there at the seminary. I loved hanging out and visiting with my friends. I even got to stop by the resell it shop and campus food bank. We volunteered there at least once a week, the kids still talk about how fun that was for them. Boy do we miss those places. The kids immediately were out running around with all of their old buddies. It was so fun to see that. We will never live in a community like that again. I remember kind of dreading moving there, it is sad to even admit that. I really felt like we were really moving there for Greg's education alone. Wow, God knocked my socks off with that one. He blessed us beyond our wildest dreams with our time there, the friends he gave us, the community of like-minded people to live with, it still amazes me. It was so neat to have great, wonderful people in the exact same boat you were in right outside your door, ready and available at any minute. It was awesome. So it was a treat to be in that community again.

Then we were able to see my friend Rebecca and her family. I have known her for as long as I can remember. I have pictures of her in my photo album from my birthday parties when I was probably 5. We grew up in the same church. We have been friends ever since. What a treat to sit and eat the traditional Sunday night dinner of popcorn and fruit. We laughed... all these years we never knew that she and I both grew up doing that and have carried it over to our families. I would encourage all you ladies out there to do it. It is one free night of cooking... throw some peanut butter or cheese out there and you are good to go.

Yesterday my sweet college roommate Samantha and my brother John and his wife Katy came and hung out with us. The kids had a sleepover with cousins and are already begging to stay as long as we can. Right now they are out feeding the goats, cats, and chickens. They are having a ball. I just can't say how wonderful it is to be home and feel the love of family and long time friends. My heart has needed this so badly.


Thank you Lord for the comfort of those close to me. Thank you for the healing and peace that it brings to my heart. Thank you Lord for taking care of my sweet son Samuel for the last 4 months. Thank you for holding him in you arms. I can't wait till I can join him and scoop that precious boy up in my arms and hold him myself. Will it even matter then Lord? Will he even be small enough to hold? Lord I just can't wait to be in his presence again and more importantly be in your presence for eternity. Come Lord Jesus Come!