TODAY...

Today was a rough day for me. There are so many layers of grief... so many things that can set me back... so many feelings that are still so fresh and raw. I looked at my 6 year old niece today and it struck me a new. I will never know what Samuel would look like at six. I will never know what he would have acted like at 6. I wonder what he would look like now at four months. You know if I had to pick one age that I like best, I couldn't. I love them all. Newborns... so fresh, sweet, special, soft, so quickly passing. 6 months... so much fun, they are doing so many new things. 2 year old... a lot of people say terrible, I say terrific, their personalities just come to life, I love guiding and training them as they experience the world around them. So you get the picture... I love it all and I miss it all as far as Samuel is concerned. So much will never be and I mourn that. He had so many characteristics that resembled Anna at birth... but yet he had pieces of all of the kids. The other 4 look so different from one another, but I love that he seemed to be a combination of them all.


Today, my heart is aching for a new friend. We met Kim through MEND (the infant loss support group we attend). She and her husband have 4 children, 2 living with them and 2 living with our Lord. Can you imagine losing 2 children? She is an amazing woman of such strength. She has been a great encouragement to me. She and her husband were getting ready to welcome their next child into their home through adoption. They did get to bring their baby girl home... but a few hours later their birth mother changed her mind. It was a complete surprise to them. Please pray for them. Their hearts are broken but they are steadfast in their faith. Their blog is http://www.bevinsfamily.blogspot.com/ feel free to stop by and leave them a note of encouragement if you feel led. Thanks prayer warriors.

Today I am seeing the brokenness of this fallen world again... Today I am on my knees...Today I am clinging to the fact that God is the same today as He was yesterday and will be in the future. He is still Good even when life is so hard...

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

THE NORTHWOODS

CALEB OUTSIDE CATCHING HUGE SNOWFLAKES

COUSIN TIME

BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS FROM MY 10 YEAR OLD NIECE CALLIE ANN

So we are still up north enjoying time with family. It has been wonderful. We had a gorgeous snowstorm yesterday. The flakes were literally like an inch in diameter. They looked like cotton balls falling from the sky. It was beautiful, I am so glad we were able to be up here for at least a little bit of snow. This northern girl misses Winter. I know some may think that is crazy but when you grow up snowmobiling, snow skiing and just plain enjoying the snow... you miss it when you don't get the chance to play in it. One of my favorite winter quotes that is on a wall display at a army surplus store up here is ..."The is no such thing as bad weather... just inappropriate clothing." I love it... so true.

So the kids are enjoying time with their grandparents and cousins. And I am enjoying time with my parents and siblings... and wives. Tonight we had dinner with old neighbors from around the lake, lots of smiles. Both of these couples are a part of the small group bible study that we used to go to when we lived here. Today I went to the Y with my sister-in-law Jane to work out. I was blessed to see an old friend from our old church there. I literally saw her down in the gym from upstairs on the track. I ran her down...it was so nice to see her... so nice to get a warm hug from her (Hi Connie:) she took the time a couple of months back to write me a beautiful letter that really encouraged me. I had to apologize that I never wrote back. I have been meaning to. The old Sara loved to write to people... I still want to love it. I actually enjoy writing Thank you notes or notes of encouragement to people. That is one thing that I am so sad to say has changed since Samuel died. I just can't seem to get motivated to sit down and do it like I used to. So much about me has changed. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I know I am forever different because of Samuel and my immense love for that sweet boy... but will parts of me return to be like I used to be? I know it sounds strange, but it is just another weird reality of life after a loss.

So we think we will be leaving Wednesday... that is still up for debate. The kids want to stay longer... part of me would too. The 12 hour drive back won't be bad, the kids are great travelers. Seeing Greg will be great. Being 12 hours away from family... now that will be rough I am sure. I don't even like thinking about that... so for now I won't. I keep encouraging visitors... I am still trying to find some really fun things to do near us... any ideas anyone? I am not trying to slam OK... but it just doesn't seem to be the destination vacation spot for most people. I would love any ideas:)

WISCONSIN CONTINUED

The cousins taking a break from hunting for sheds(deer antlers) in the woods.

The kids with the Boggs Bunch

Our sweet Godson Asher...could he be any cuter or have longer eyelashes?

We are completely enjoying our time up here in Wisconsin. But boy do I miss my hubby back home. I don't think we have talked as much in the past 15 years of marriage combined as we have in the last 4 months. No, that is probably not true, but I really miss just hanging out at night on the couch, after the kids are in bed, watching an episode of the office, and talking about everything that is going on in our crazy life.

My parents live on a big plot of land with my 2 brothers and one other family. Before we moved to the seminary we lived less than a mile away just on the other side of this little lake called Pretty Lake.... Yep, that is really the name, and it really is Pretty. So it has been so nice to be back in our old neighborhood.

The big boys are having their 3rd sleepover of the week with their cousins. Tonight after I told them they could have yet another sleepover Louis bust out with, "This is the best week of my life!" They are having a ball. Anna actually had her first little sleepover with her cousin and best little buddy Sophia. They were so excited to be a part of what the big kids do.

So tonight we went and had dinner at my brother's church. It is sort of a fellowship dinner that they do each week that my sister-in-law helped organize. Afterwards my brother leads a bit of worship before a time of prayer. I wasn't sure if I was going to stay for that, but it turns out I did. I think the Lord just nudged my heart. With Greg being in ministry I am always interested to see different things that different churches do and how they do it. It was a beautiful time of worship, praise and prayer. My brother requested prayer for me regarding healing from the loss of Samuel. It was amazing to be surrounded by mostly complete strangers, who just laid their hands on me and prayed for healing for me, the rest of my family, strength for my marriage, and unity in our whole extended family. Wow, the Lord knew I needed that. It was so neat to see the body of Christ at work, reaching out and approaching the throne of God on behalf of a sister in Christ, someone they didn't even know. They weren't afraid to minister to me in my grief. Ahhhh, it was a comfort. It blessed me greatly.

All of that just makes me realize more and more the pain that people experience in this life. I don't want all that we are going through and all that we are learning through this experience to be wasted. I know that this side of Heaven I may never see why the Lord took Samuel so soon, but I do want to be able to see some purpose in it. I have seen how when people minister to me how it can encourage and refresh me in those heavy, clouded times. I want to use this for God's glory... to really be able to minister to others who are suffering. I don't want people to feel alone or to feel that people don't care about them when they are suffering. We are all so busy nowadays, so concerned with what is going on in our day to day lives, that it is so easy just to look inward and not be looking outward at what our neighbor or maybe even a complete stranger might need. I was on the receiving end tonight and wow, to see the body of Christ at work was so neat. So, I really have no idea how God is going to use this suffering in our lives... but I know I want to be completely open to his leading. I pray He will reveal it to us in time if it is in a certain type of ministry for Greg and I or it may be bit by bit, day by day, as we minister or help those He brings across our path in this life.

WE'VE ARRIVED

We pulled in later Sunday night after spending 2 nights with the Boggs crew...(pictures to come:) They were so gracious to let us hunker down with them. It was really a blessing to be able to see some of our friends there at the seminary. I loved hanging out and visiting with my friends. I even got to stop by the resell it shop and campus food bank. We volunteered there at least once a week, the kids still talk about how fun that was for them. Boy do we miss those places. The kids immediately were out running around with all of their old buddies. It was so fun to see that. We will never live in a community like that again. I remember kind of dreading moving there, it is sad to even admit that. I really felt like we were really moving there for Greg's education alone. Wow, God knocked my socks off with that one. He blessed us beyond our wildest dreams with our time there, the friends he gave us, the community of like-minded people to live with, it still amazes me. It was so neat to have great, wonderful people in the exact same boat you were in right outside your door, ready and available at any minute. It was awesome. So it was a treat to be in that community again.

Then we were able to see my friend Rebecca and her family. I have known her for as long as I can remember. I have pictures of her in my photo album from my birthday parties when I was probably 5. We grew up in the same church. We have been friends ever since. What a treat to sit and eat the traditional Sunday night dinner of popcorn and fruit. We laughed... all these years we never knew that she and I both grew up doing that and have carried it over to our families. I would encourage all you ladies out there to do it. It is one free night of cooking... throw some peanut butter or cheese out there and you are good to go.

Yesterday my sweet college roommate Samantha and my brother John and his wife Katy came and hung out with us. The kids had a sleepover with cousins and are already begging to stay as long as we can. Right now they are out feeding the goats, cats, and chickens. They are having a ball. I just can't say how wonderful it is to be home and feel the love of family and long time friends. My heart has needed this so badly.


Thank you Lord for the comfort of those close to me. Thank you for the healing and peace that it brings to my heart. Thank you Lord for taking care of my sweet son Samuel for the last 4 months. Thank you for holding him in you arms. I can't wait till I can join him and scoop that precious boy up in my arms and hold him myself. Will it even matter then Lord? Will he even be small enough to hold? Lord I just can't wait to be in his presence again and more importantly be in your presence for eternity. Come Lord Jesus Come!

WE'RE OUT OF HERE:)

The Sun is finally shining here in Oklahoma

Anna and Nigel (what the kids named him:), another roaming neighborhood dog.

Well I literally decided this morning that we, the kids and I that is, will hit the road tomorrow morning to head up to Wisconsin to visit family and friends. So needless to say, it has been a busy day getting us all packed and ready to go. Actually I think I like the spur of the moment travel. I am a planner so it is kind of nice to just fly by the seat of your pants and just try to pull it all together quick. The kids were a huge help, we even got the house cleaned... I can't stand coming home to a messy house. We will see how Greg does while we are gone. So we will be off to the frozen tundra tomorrow. I have been needing the physical presence of people... and you know my husband does have a job to go to:) So it is time to head north and be with my loved ones. I can't wait to just hang out and be me with those who love me in the good, bad and the ugly times:) It will be nice. My dad just called me last night to remind me that we will make it through this together. He is becoming more of a softie as he gets older... Such a sweet man.

We will be stopping in St. Louis on the way to visit with friends from the sem. Our dear friends the Bogg's are willing to house us for the night, very last minute I might add. So it will be a party, the 8 of the them and the 5 of us in their 750 sq. ft. seminary apartment. We are so grateful for their generosity. I am not sure how long we will get to stay up north. We may need to head back the middle of next week. That was the main reason I wasn't sure about or planning on going. But I decided I needed to go that bad, that it is definitely worth the 12 hour trip even if we only stay for 5 days.

The funeral service was rough. They seem to be holding it together well. I think God just puts your body into a state of shock so that you can function and attend to all of the tasks and decisions that need to be made quickly in those first few days when a death occurs. Their daughter was precious. It was so hard to see them and their grief, all too fresh for us. We were able to greet them and let them know we are here for them, and know just how they feel. Our hearts just ache for them.

So I am not sure if I will get the chance to blog. My parents literally just entered the 21st century by purchasing a computer just this past month. Who knows, Louis will probably be teaching them how to use it:)

So it is goodbye Oklahoma, hello WISCONSIN. Ahhhhh HOME! We are looking forward to the cold weather and maybe some snow... More importantly looking forward to being loved on by all of our loved ones! Praise God for family and friends.

A MOTHERS HEART

My mommy heart is aching today. My arms physically ache today for my baby. It is the strangest feeling to know that I no longer carry my baby inside of me...(I miss his presence there so greatly) yet I don't carry my baby in my arms either. He should be in my arms. I still sometimes get phantom movements where I honestly think I feel him kick. I wonder how long that will go on. I miss my sweet boy more and more with each passing day.

Today while at the Doctor's office the nurse was asking JOJO about the cowboy boots he was wearing. She asked if he was going to need a new pair soon. He went on to explain that when he gets too big for these boots Samuel will get to wear them. The nurse then asked if Samuel was Jo's little brother. So I had to explain to her and him that I don't think Samuel needs those cowboy boots in Heaven. Weird, Jojo knows where Samuel is, yet I am not sure he completely gets that he will never be here with us.

I was so blessed by my time away with my 2 girlfriends Mary and Lula. During worship on Friday evening they literally surrounded me, held me and cried with me as we sang. Being with good friends is so precious to me. How I thank the Lord for them. I got to meet some of Mary's friends from Houston. What sweet ladies and sisters in Christ. They were not afraid to come up to me and talk to me about my loss. It was so refreshing to have complete strangers come up and mention my son. They have been praying for me since October when Mary brought back the picture of Samuel from the memorial service. One of the gals had her baby there. She even said I could hold her baby if I thought that might help me heal in some way. I just said that I couldn't yet at this point. I am not sure when I will be able to hold a little one.

Anyone who knows me knows I am ALL about babies. I gravitate to them. Greg always has to tell me to not stare or approach a mom with a newborn because I might freak them out:) I am so different now. I literally have to go the long way around Walmart, so that I don't go near the baby section. I can't really even look at a newborn. It isn't a good feeling... so not me.

I continue to wait on the Lord's timing for healing. I am clinging to the fact that He will heal me bit by bit, and trusting that He will bring it in His time. Is it still normal to cry every single day 4 days out from my loss? I guess you can't put a time table on grief, it is different for each person. I prayed for that baby for 2 1/2 years, I guess 4 months isn't long when you consider that. When I called my dad today in tears... poor guy... he prayed with me and tried to cheer me up. I know it hurts him to see me in pain. He even said he feels that there is a hole in his heart because of the loss of Samuel. For some reason that made me feel good. I talked with my sister 3 times today, I told her is was such a treat. She said it was almost as if we were neighbors, just calling to ask a question or two... what I wouldn't give to have my little sister closer than Massachusetts.

We will be heading to the funeral service for the little baby that was still born this past weekend. I know it may be hard to be there... at the same time I want that women to know that she is not alone. I want her to know that there is someone who completely understands how she feels right now, how she may feel a month from now, how she may feel in the middle of the night, how it feels to have your milk come in and have no baby to nurse, how it feels to lose a child, and how it feels to have her mommy heart broken. I want to be available to her in the next months... whenever, however she may need it. Please continue to pray for them.

PLEASE PRAY

My heart is heavy. On Saturday night I received an email from the director of CPO the Crisis Pregnancy Center that we may adopt through. One of the director's assistants was due to have her baby girl any day. She found out that afternoon that the baby had died in the womb due to a cord accident.

Oh, I know all too well, the pain they are feeling today as they leave the hospital empty handed when they had anticipated leaving with their arm's full and hearts overflowing with joy and love. I know the range of emotions and grief that they will experience over the next months and my heart is broken for them. Knowing where I am at just 4 months later and how raw my heart still feels I grieve for them.

Please pray for the Johnson family that the Lord would wrap His arms around them and fill them with an immeasurable peace right now. Pray that the Lord would send just the right people to minister to them during this difficult, heartbreaking time.

Thankyou!