Wednesday, February 25, 2009


My mommy heart is aching today. My arms physically ache today for my baby. It is the strangest feeling to know that I no longer carry my baby inside of me...(I miss his presence there so greatly) yet I don't carry my baby in my arms either. He should be in my arms. I still sometimes get phantom movements where I honestly think I feel him kick. I wonder how long that will go on. I miss my sweet boy more and more with each passing day.
Today while at the Doctor's office the nurse was asking JOJO about the cowboy boots he was wearing. She asked if he was going to need a new pair soon. He went on to explain that when he gets too big for these boots Samuel will get to wear them. The nurse then asked if Samuel was Jo's little brother. So I had to explain to her and him that I don't think Samuel needs those cowboy boots in Heaven. Weird, Jojo knows where Samuel is, yet I am not sure he completely gets that he will never be here with us.
I was so blessed by my time away with my 2 girlfriends Mary and Lula. During worship on Friday evening they literally surrounded me, held me and cried with me as we sang. Being with good friends is so precious to me. How I thank the Lord for them. I got to meet some of Mary's friends from Houston. What sweet ladies and sisters in Christ. They were not afraid to come up to me and talk to me about my loss. It was so refreshing to have complete strangers come up and mention my son. They have been praying for me since October when Mary brought back the picture of Samuel from the memorial service. One of the gals had her baby there. She even said I could hold her baby if I thought that might help me heal in some way. I just said that I couldn't yet at this point. I am not sure when I will be able to hold a little one.
Anyone who knows me knows I am ALL about babies. I gravitate to them. Greg always has to tell me to not stare or approach a mom with a newborn because I might freak them out:) I am so different now. I literally have to go the long way around Walmart, so that I don't go near the baby section. I can't really even look at a newborn. It isn't a good feeling... so not me.
I continue to wait on the Lord's timing for healing. I am clinging to the fact that He will heal me bit by bit, and trusting that He will bring it in His time. Is it still normal to cry every single day 4 days out from my loss? I guess you can't put a time table on grief, it is different for each person. I prayed for that baby for 2 1/2 years, I guess 4 months isn't long when you consider that. When I called my dad today in tears... poor guy... he prayed with me and tried to cheer me up. I know it hurts him to see me in pain. He even said he feels that there is a hole in his heart because of the loss of Samuel. For some reason that made me feel good. I talked with my sister 3 times today, I told her is was such a treat. She said it was almost as if we were neighbors, just calling to ask a question or two... what I wouldn't give to have my little sister closer than Massachusetts.
We will be heading to the funeral service for the little baby that was still born this past weekend. I know it may be hard to be there... at the same time I want that women to know that she is not alone. I want her to know that there is someone who completely understands how she feels right now, how she may feel a month from now, how she may feel in the middle of the night, how it feels to have your milk come in and have no baby to nurse, how it feels to lose a child, and how it feels to have her mommy heart broken. I want to be available to her in the next months... whenever, however she may need it. Please continue to pray for them.


Samantha said...

My Sara,
I'm sitting with you in spirit, arms wrapped around you, with tears running down my face. My heart is aching for you today and the absence of baby Samuel in your arms. I pray that our loving, gracious, Heavenly Father hold you so very close today. Take all the time you need Sara. Healing takes time. Praying for you every hour today, I love you. Sam

Rachel said...

Cry every day, better yet, cry every hour if that's what feels right. I don't often tell people that they should act according to their feelings, but in grieving, you need to do what feels right. I often felt (and on occasion still do)the need to scream b/c of the pain of missing Felicity. I've perfected the "silent scream" so that I can do it pretty much anywhere and it brings the release I need without freaking anyone out. I tense up my body and scream but without any noise.

I also feel that emotional hole in my heart, but in going through this, I know my heart has grown bigger, because I know now what suffering is and I'm able to understand and bring comfort to others who are suffering, just as you will bring comfort to the gal who's baby was just born still.
Thanks for your prayers. I'm doing better than I thought (still wondering if it hasn't really hit me yet.) I will be praying for you, especially on Sat - Sun. as you grieve over missing Samuel for 4 months.

Rachel said...

It's so easy for me to remember Samuel. His due date is my bday!