The waves of grief are upon me. Some are smaller and gently roll in just lapping at my feet. Others are larger, but still manageable to swim against. And then others are more like tidal waves threatening to overtake me. I has been a tidal wave kind of week for me. Most times the waves come and go. This week it has just been like one huge wave after another. I usually can tell what has set me off, but not this time. Grief is so interesting that way. Sometimes I can see it coming, other times it blindsides me.
I won't get into all of the details or I kind of doubt you'd ever come back:) But let me just say once again my husband has been so supportive. I honestly don't know what I would do here without him. I am so thankful I have the Lord to cry out to, a few special gals to call up, but there are times I really need someone in the physical presence. I think that holding your wife for 2 hours in the middle of the night while she is over the edge in despair , praying for peace over and over again, while she begs for something completely different, is way more than this man bargained for 15 + years ago.
My wonderful Christian counselor, who herself has had a stillborn son, said that the ups and downs are all a natural part of grief. As time passes, she said the downs shouldn't be as deep as the previous downs. She was a bit concerned that my lows, when they do come, seem to be just as low as before. I am praying that will change as we move forward one step at a times. I usually pride myself in being the glue that holds our family together, but that hasn't been the case lately... Greg definitely gets that prize. Today when he was giving me a hug, he actually said he was so so thankful to have me in his life, he even repeated it. I had to laugh that he could even say that with the kind of week I have had. Wow, how did I get so blessed to have him as my husband.
I am a pretty honest and open person. Sometimes I wonder how far to go with how I am really feeling. In the end I want people to be able to glorify God for the great healing he will have done in me and our family. One thing I have realized through this is that many people have NO idea how to deal with grief or grieving people. I have had plenty of people who used to talk to me all the time when I was pregnant with Samuel, who haven't said more than 5 words to me since. I have had people see me, huge belly and all, just days before delivery, who have yet to speak of my son and our loss. I just want to shout it from the rooftops, that I still had my child, a son. His name was Samuel Mark and he was perfect. I held his soft, sweet, precious body in my arms for 5 hours. He just didn't live. That doesn't make him any less of a person, or any less my child. I just want to beg people to acknowledge his life. I know it counted, I know no one in this family will ever forget his short time with us. We think about it all the time. He is a part of daily conversation for us. But it hurts when others can't even acknowledge his existence. It hurts even more to know that as time passes he will be thought of even less by others, so mentioned even less. I don't know if that makes sense to others, but it is what is at the heart of why I share.
I know before I lost Samuel that I had lost loved ones, grandparents. Though I grieved that loss it was different. I had a pretty good idea that they would pass away before me. I had faced the possibility of death with Greg when he had his cancer 17 years ago. But that was different too, even though he was sick and it was serious, he was still alive and there was so much hope that the Lord would heal him... and Praise God He did. This is different, it is so final right from the start. Don't think that I didn't pray for a miracle and even beg God to breathe life into my son when I first held him. Death is death and it is final, there is no getting around that, unfortunately.
I always wondered what to say to people who had a loss so difficult. I always just felt such sadness for them deep in my heart. Now I know, is isn't what you say... sometimes you don't need to say anything. Just be there for them. Hug them, cry with them, let them know they are not alone. Acknowledge the life of their loved one, no matter how short it may have been. Say that loved ones name. I can't tell you how much it means to me when someone actually has the guts and grace to mention my son Samuel, by name. To take the the time to ask how I am REALLY doing. It shows me they care.
When I look at how the last 3 1/2 months have gone it amazes me, what a process. At the very beginning after Samuel died, I was so thankful for how the Lord had worked out some of the details during those days. I really felt like if God had allowed something like this to happen to our family that He was going to work something great out of it. I felt He would move BIG and FAST, I just knew it. Now I realize that He will still move, but at the time I was in total shock. The reality of my loss hadn't even begun to set in. Now, I know my time table and God's are clearly different. I know He says in His word, and many have quoted Romans 8:28 to me, that God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Honestly, I am struggling to see the good. It doesn't look good, and it certainly doesn't feel good. Some probably laugh thinking... Yeah, give God some time. But when you experience the waves that I have, each moment or day can feel like such a longggg time. I have always thought time moved so quickly... the last few months time has moved at a crawl many days. Until you have walked a mile in my shoes you just may not be able to understand. And that is ok, I wouldn't expect you to.
Over 2 years ago the Lord led to the blog of a Christian woman who had just lost her 7 mo. old son. I now know one of the reasons the Lord had me stumble upon Noah Steven's blog. He was preparing me for my own trial. She is an amazingly strong woman and continues to teach me things. Today on her blog she was talking about identity theft. John 10:10 talks about how the enemy, the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. But the Lord has come so that we may have life and have it to the fullest.
How often over the last few months have I told Greg I want to have joy, sincere joy again. I know God says he wants to give me life and a full life. Will that be the full life I have in mind? I don't know that answer. I have to keep reminding myself that the devil is the one trying to destroy me, my husband, our marriage, and our family through this. He could win big by taking down a full time church worker and his family. I want to claim that full life God has for me... and my family. So I will continue to trust that God has come to give me life. I refuse to let the devil steal my identity. I am a child of the King. He has bought my life, and redeemed my soul, at the huge cost of His Son. Now I just wait on Him to restore my life and heal my heart in the here and now.
Sorry for the novel, I can get to rambling.... when I speak from the heart:)