I have had a few people call, or email me regarding our news so I figured I better post somewhat soon about it as to not leave you all hanging... but I will get to that in a bit... or maybe not.
How am I feeling? That is a great question. I guess tonight I am all over the map. I don't think in my life I have ever felt such a crazy combination of emotions all at once. Is it possible to be angry, sad, distraught, hopeless, and hopeful at the same time. We had church tonight... again a hard night. I am not trying to beat a dead horse... but just being real. I am curious if anyone else who has suffered a loss had such a hard time at church, and how did you cope with that? I know my counselor, who also suffered the stillbirth of a child said across the board she hears the same thing from women after women, church is one of the most difficult places to be.
Is it all of the pregnant moms, all the babies the same age Samuel would be, all of the talk about How Great God Is and how He works all for our good? Wow, church is such a feel good kind of place. What about when you aren't feeling good? What about when you don't see any good from your trial? What about the times when you are crying out to that same all loving, compassionate God for peace, relief from your despair... and you don't get it... or it takes hours or days to get it. I have never experienced anything like that before in my life before now. You know I can accept that he doesn't relieve any of my pain at times, I can accept that, that is who God is at times. I have spoken with some who just can't agree with me that He is that way at times. I don't understand what His purpose is in those times to not come to my aid. What I do know is that I am in the company of many in the Bible who said... Why have you forsaken me, Lord, why are you so far from me? I continue to wait on the Lord to bring me out of the pit, when those times do come. And those times do still come. Sorry, I know many wish that I didn't still feel that way at times, but it is the truth. Anyone who knows me, knows I am pretty open and honest about my feelings.
It is amazing all of the crazy things people say to you when you are grieving.... just one today. You seem like you are better. Ahhh, feeling better at times, yes. Better? Not really, will I ever be? I have had people tell me that their friends are in fear for their birth because of me... that felt good! I also have had the distinct feeling that some think I could have done something to prevent what happened to Samuel. It makes me feel like they think I am a bad mother. In my heart, I know there was nothing I could have done differently. I had just seen the midwife 5 days before and the Dr. 2 days before. He was moving around just like normal Tuesday night, and Wednesday morning when I woke up, nothing. You can't prevent a baby from tangling themselves up in the cord. I know it was just an accident that doesn't happen very often, thank God, but it did happen to my son. I have had people complain to me about their pregnancy symptoms...hey I would take ANY pregnancy symptom instead of the pain of my broken heart. I could go on and on, but I won't. I just wish people would think before they speak sometimes.
It also reminds me that I have probably said stupid things myself in the past. Oh how I have begged for forgiveness over my own mistakes. So I do forgive those who say things I wish they wouldn't have. But I still need to figure out how to react and not have it send me into the tailspin your reading about now. I am now able to recognize things or situations that kind of set me off to feeling worse. I need to figure out practically how to hear things like that and not let it burden me so much.
So any of you prayer warriors out there, please pray for me. I need an extra dose of the Lord's comfort tonight. I would also love prayers for my time at church. I just want to be able to go and worship. It is weird, but I feel like I want to have integrity through this all. If I can't sing it and mean it from my heart, I won't sing. I will not just go through the motions. I know God will put a new song in my heart at some point and you know I did have one Sunday a few weeks ago that I could honestly worship the Lord with joy in my heart. That felt so good.
My faith is strong, but let me tell you when God allows something like the death of your child, it rocks you to the core. I feel beaten down and broken, like my heart is shattered into a million pieces. How can He put that back together and make me whole again? I will never be whole again, like I used to be. My heart will be whole again, with a whole lot of scars or cracks in it. My heart will always have a Samuel shaped hole in it that can never be replaced by anything or anyone else. But maybe that hole won't be so jagged as it is now, but will have softer, smoother edges. To feel it won't hurt as much. I picture Him planting all of the pieces of my broken heart in the ground, and then growing a new plant or heart out of it all, a heart that looks different than the heart I had before. It will be a beautiful, more sincere, more compassionate, more devoted, heart than before because of losing our precious Samuel. How can you go through something like this and not end up coming out the other side looking completely different. I want God to use this pain to do something beautiful from it. What will it be Lord, show me a glimpse of it... or just come back quickly Lord! Hey, I will take the latter any day:)
Ok, now it is too late to post our news. But I will say this, no I am not pregnant... that was the question I got asked by a few people:) But it does have to do with why I posted a picture of Caleb and Samuel. It has to do with what Caleb said as soon as he knew that Samuel was already in Heaven. I will try to post tomorrow... Sorry to keep you hanging. Thanks for your prayers.