OUR FIRST EBENEZER

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen.

He named it Ebenezer, saying,

"Thus far the Lord has helped us."

1 Samuel 7:12

For over a year I have had this idea brewing. Well, my idea is finally coming to fruition. Last Thanksgiving Anna was part of a worship dance at my brothers church. She and 7 of her girl cousins were a part of it. It was to the song "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." There is a verse in the song that goes as follows...

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Here by Thy great Help I've Come.

And I hope by some good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home.

So my idea has been to raise our own family Ebenezers. Just like Samuel did at Mizpah and Shem. He raised the Ebenezer, or rock, and said, "Thus far the Lord has helped us. " I wanted us to have a tangible, visible reminder of how the Lord has helped us. Little did I know how desperate we would be for His continual, moment to moment help this year. My thought was for us to incorporate it into our family devotion time at dinner or breakfast. I wanted to pick out different times in our life as a family that God has shown himself in outstanding ways.

So that brings me to last July. I had never mentioned the idea to Greg until then. We were up at my parent's cabin where there is an abundance of rocks down by the lake. I asked my dad if we could take some home with us. You can picture the look on Greg's face when I told him I wanted to collect a bunch of rocks and take them from Wisconsin to Missouri and then to Oklahoma. We were in the midst of packing up our whole life and moving... now we were adding a pile of rocks to the rest of our belongings. He was game, in the back of the minivan the rocks went.

The kids knew they were for something, they just didn't know what specifically. So this morning I finally brought in one from our front flowerbed and we talked about what we wanted to paint on it. On each rock we will paint a word to represent God for who He is to us in different seasons of our family's life. So today we painted COMFORTER on our first family Ebenezer. The verse that we are memorizing to go along with this Ebenezer (I love that word) is...

Jeremiah 31:13b

I will turn their mourning into joy, I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.

This rock is to represent this time in our lives, a time of grief over losing our sweet baby Samuel. We are in desperate need of God's comfort. We trust His promises that He will turn our mourning into joy and give us gladness once again. When I realized that the verse in the Bible that is referenced in the song "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing" comes from the book of Samuel and refers to Samuel raising the Ebenezer my heart is touched. I will always remember we started raising our family Ebenezers right after losing our Samuel.

So the plan is to continue on with our rocks during our family devotions. This morning the kids were throwing out all sorts of seasons we have gone through... our time at the seminary when God was our provider, when Greg had his cancer and God was our healer, the birth of our 5 children when God was our life giver. We plan on putting them back out in the flower bed so anyone who comes into this home will know who we put our trust in and who He is to us. The kids were already discussing who gets to keep which rocks when they get older and move from home. Yikes! I told them they can then start making their own family's Ebenezers. I will try to take a picture of different Ebenezers that we paint.

During this time I think it will be a great for me to continually be reminded of all God has done for us. It is so easy for me to settle back into how I am feeling which hasn't always been real great these last 6 weeks. I have felt sad missing my son. I have felt uncomfortable as the tears can come at any time... (ask Greg they even come uncontrollably in the middle of Hobby Lobby). I have felt my empty arms ache to hold my baby again. I have felt physical reminders that I should be caring for a child that is no longer with me. I have felt despair when the reality of my loss sets in. I have felt lonely in the middle of the night when sleep is hard to come by. I have felt despair and hopelessness. And I have also felt thankful for my wonderful, ever supportive husband who continues to love me regardless of the peaks and valleys I go through each day. I have felt blessed to spend each day with my four living children.

God is still God, He is still seated on the His throne and the throne of my life. I will continue to put my faith in Him no matter how I feel. We will continue to raise our Ebenezers and thank our God for HIS HELP THUS FAR.

BROKEN BONES AND MENDING HEARTS

We have now experienced our first broken bone in the Hintz house. Louis broke his wrist playing soccer on the driveway. Dad says in the future we should try to do those things in the grass.
Louis is such a tender hearted kid. He has really been such a huge help to me this past month. There have been mornings he has fed the little ones when I have found it hard to just get out of bed. He wrote me a note today saying that he is praying for me. I am blessed by God to have a son who has the kind of heart he does and is old enough to understand somewhat what his mother is going through. All in all the kids are doing well with the loss of Samuel. We have had more tears as of late, more questions about why Samuel had to die and I am not sure why. I think maybe the shock of his death has worn off and the reality has set in for all of us. Tonight JOJO prayed that God would give us another baby and that it wouldn't die. He has been praying for that same thing all week. So sweet to pray for another brother or sister. At the same time it just breaks my heart that my 3 year old is praying that another sibling wouldn't die. That is one thing that just tore at my heart initially was the loss this would be for my children. Today at the orthopedic Doctor, Louis told me that when the nurse asked him how many siblings he had, he answered 3 brothers and 1 sister. He said he was too choked up to tell her that one of his brothers had died. What a sweet, sensitive spirit my Louis has.

I know I mentioned about the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that has photographers who offer their services to families who have lost babies. One of their great volunteers Kaycee Deen is the one who came to the hospital the day Samuel was born and photographed our family. She and Loy, the gentleman that helped her were amazing, so respectful of our family and what we were going through at the moment. They were sensitive, kind and compassionate. They captured the only moments we had with Samuel as a family of 7. They captured all of his beautiful, precious parts. Their gift to us is priceless.

She just emailed me telling me the rest of the photos were done and she was just putting the slide show together. The further away I get from our short time with Samuel the more I realize how important those photos will be for me and my family. That day we were able to spend about 4 1/2 hours holding and just taking in every detail of Samuel and who he was. It was one of the best days and worst days of my life. The best in the sense of it being spent with him, the worst in the sense of having to say goodbye to him so soon. I inspected every inch of his sweet little body. Oh how I miss having him in my arms and looking back I wish we would have held him longer. The nurses were great and gave us all of the time we needed. I just knew as time was passing the longer I held him the harder it would be to say goodbye... it was just getting to that point. I knew if I had him any longer I wasn't going to be able to give him up. So I know now if I had held him for another 15 minutes or 5 hours it never would have been enough. I wanted a lifetime with him, how can you possibly squeeze that into 4 hours... but we sure tried.

I wanted to pass along info from our photographer to any of you who might be in the greater Tulsa area. She is a part of a group that is donating their photography services to a families that can't afford to pay for them. It is a called Giving is awesome. She will give a free photo session and $2000 worth of products to a worthy recipient, no strings attached. You can find our more information on her blog http://www.kayceedeen.blogspot.com/ She is looking for people to nominate others who might deserve and love to have such a precious gift.

Kaycee also mentioned to me in her email that she had always thought of grief as a steady climb, like a 45 degree angle going up from despair to eventual happiness. But that she now realizes it is the opposite, full of peaks and valleys. I couldn't agree more. Like I mentioned earlier that the reality of our life as it is now has set in. That child that we planned for, longed, for is gone. I am happy for Samuel in the sense that he is in eternity with our Savior. But I grieve for our loss here on earth. How I long to go back to who I was 7 weeks ago. I feel like I am a totally different person. I know that God will use the loss of Samuel to grow me, refine me, and change me. I know God is sovereign and nothing takes him by surprise... so He will use it. When I am in the valley, I don't like the life I am living now, it is despair. Greg keeps reminding me of the peaks... the better moments, the high places. This summer I was reading Hinds Feet on High Places, I only got 1/2 way through. I think its about time I pick up that book and finish it. Then maybe I will have a clearer picture of how God can and will raise me up to the high places.

OK enough rambling for one night. The Hintz crew thanks you for all of your prayers. We would love for you to continue to pray for us if you think of it. It brings us comfort and we know God answers prayers.

BROTHERLY LOVE

Caleb and his baby brother

Louis and Samuel

I can't begin to tell you how excited these boys were to meet and spend time with their brother. We all just thought we would have a whole lot more time with him than we did. Tonight at bed Caleb was praying and he thanked God for all of the time that he got to spend with Samuel.

I have to admit that being at church has been difficult for me since Samuel died. There are many pregnant women and lots of little babies. But that isn't all of it. It has been hard to sing the words to many songs without losing it. So much of what we sing just doesn't coincide with how I am feeling. Greg keeps informing me that I can't rely on my feelings. God is who His word says He is. I can take Him at His word. That is something I just keep having to remind myself of. Sometimes it does bring me comfort to just listen to others sing the words when I can't sing them myself.

Kleenex has become a staple in my purse these days:) The tears flow so easily and often. The kids and I were in the front row. Eventually Greg came down and sat with me, he could see I was having a rough day. It was so nice to have someone sit with me and hold my hand... besides the kids. To think that the Lord collects all my tears. He must have quite a large container. The kids told me the other day that God must collect at least 2 gallons of tears from me a day.

In church today one of the scriptures was talking about how with the Lord a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day. Many people try to comfort me by telling me that we will be reunited with Samuel in Heaven one day. That is true and at times it does bring me comfort... but honestly in my own human mind sometimes Heaven just seems so far away. This verse brought me comfort today... maybe the many years that it may be until I get to see Samuel again can be like a day instead of seeming so far off. Then again we never thought Samuel would be taken so early... we never know when it will be our turn to join him:) I have to admit I have never longed for Heaven like I have in the last month. I wish it wasn't my son being there that would make me long in such a way for my eternal home.

We will get our first real taste of what life will be like as a Pastor's family at Christmas. It will just be us here, I think we may try to see if there are any people who don't have family here to come be with us on Christmas Day. I realized Greg will have church at 5:00, 7:00 and 11:00 on Christmas Eve. I guess the 11:00 service lasts almost 2 hours. So I am trying to figure out what I can do to make Christmas Eve special with just the kids and I while Greg is gone. Anyone have any neat ideas for me? We will really miss being with extended family but I am actually excited to start new traditions that will work for our family and Greg's job. I certainly know that I am not the only one who will not have their husband with them on Christmas Eve, there are many people who have lost spouses or whose spouses are over seas fighting for our freedom.

I have felt a little unsure and sad about how Christmas will be just not having our baby here with us. I was so looking forward to celebrating and having a newborn in the house for Christmas. At times I have thought, I don't feel much like celebrating at all. While at the sem, I had the blessed opportunity to learn from a very wise lady named Myra. I will never forget her telling us ladies that she had been talking with someone who was sad about celebrating Christmas because this woman had lost a loved one recently. She was very compassionate, but also said that the Christmas is about celebrating Jesus and that Jesus would be there with her and Jesus is enough. It is ok to miss Samuel and the fun we would have had with him. But I am trying to make that my focus that Jesus is enough. He is enough to sustain me and give me a hope for the future. His birthday is certainly worth celebrating even when we are grieving the loss of our child.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I am learning so much about what people go through when they grieve. It is such an up and down journey. I can be feeling fairly decent and then the weirdest things can just bring it all back, fresh, raw, deep, sorrow. It is amazing how so much makes me think of Samuel or relates to him in some way. That may not make sense to someone who hasn't been in the situation of losing a loved one so close to them. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to feel some of the things I have felt. There have been many moments of feeling just hopeless. This verse is one that I cling to then. Even though I may be feeling hopeless, God tells me he has plans for me... plans to prosper and not harm me, to give me a hope and a future. So I will trust HIM.

SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME SMILE

NOW THIS WARMS MY HEART AND MAKES ME SMILE

CHILLY ROSY CHEEKED RASCAL

I have always wanted a large family. I am one of 5 kids, and I clearly remember on a family vacation when I was in 5th grade telling my parents I wanted 8 kids. We were driving in the car and immediately all of siblings were acting all crazy, demanding my attention, climbing all around me, they kept this up for a few minutes and then asked me, "Now how many kids do you want?" I replied, "Still 8." Then they started up with their antics and the whole scenario replayed itself until I think they gave up realizing I wasn't going to change my mind.

Since I have been married I have never really said that I want any particular number of kids. I just knew I would take whatever the Lord blessed me with, and be so very grateful. I have had numerous situations shopping lately where people have asked me how many children I have. Normally this would be such an easy question to answer. I know that I have 5 kids, they see only 4. I wonder do I actually go there and explain my situation to the checker at Walmart. I am sure I will be faced with this question over and over again. I value Samuel's life, he is just as much one of my children as are the 4 I just put to bed. So I have started to reply to people that actually I have 4 kids here with me and 1 safe in Heaven. It is kind of wild, not what they are expecting to hear, but it is the truth.

So the top picture of Anna and Jo just makes me smile. When we moved from the sem. we took Jo out of the crib thinking that the new baby would need it. We bought Anna bunk beds that she was to share with Jo. Well we could of stuck with just one bed, Anna and Jo love to be close and snuggle in the same bed. So this was how I found them the other night, sound asleep and holding hands. How precious is that?

A lot of people have said since Samuel's passing that I should be thankful for the 4 kids that I have here with me and that I am blessed. They have said it in a very compassionate way, not like it may sound. I know that I am sooooo blessed to have Louis, Caleb, Anna, and Jo with me here. I am so grateful to God for each of them. But just because I have my other kids doesn't make me miss Samuel any less, or doesn't really make the grief lessen any.

As each day passes I realize all the more that this isn't something that I will get OVER. It will be something I will get THROUGH, and only by the grace of God. My grandma Henrietta (isn't that the cutest name?) lost a son when he was around 3 years old. My mom said that she never really talked about him. I guess people didn't talk about those kinds of things back then. My uncle asked her in her last years if she ever thought about him. She said that there wasn't a day that went by that she didn't think of him.

Wow, that just struck me... I think that is how it will be for me. And you know what? I am fine with that. I want to think of my sweet 5th child and always remember the precious 9 months I had him with me. I want to look at his pictures and be in awe of the blessing Samuel was and how perfectly God knit him together. I want to remember him wiggling around inside of me. I want to cherish the times where I had the many little hands of my other children on my tummy feeling their little brother kick. What great memories, memories I will cherish for a lifetime.

BROKENHEARTED

Today I am brokenhearted. I miss my son. Yesterday I actually felt good for a couple of hours as we spent some time together as a family. Then the grief just seems to blind side me. I called Greg a few minutes ago, he took Louis to an early morning Dentist appointment.

He told me he was on the way to the Funeral Home to pick up Samuel's remains and Death Certificate. I just keep asking myself... How can my husband be going to pick up the remains of our son? It's going to be a tough day.

When we were in the hospital and knew Samuel was already with the Lord we were faced with so many decisions that had to be made fairly quickly. I wanted Samuel's Memorial service to be a celebration of the 9 months we had with him and a celebration of the life he has now in Heaven. Since Greg is only a vicar right now and that is a one year deal with the possibility to convert to a full time call next year we don't know for sure how long we will be in Oklahoma. I couldn't stand the thought of possibly leaving here in 8 months and having to leave Samuel here where ever we buried him. That is part of the reason we decided to have his body cremated. We want to be able to have him with us if this isn't where we will be long term. Only God knows that answer to that one at this point in time.

I remember last year when we were home in Feb. we announced we were expecting another baby. The funny thing was so much of our future was uncertain. The way we announced Samuel's upcoming arrival was Greg was drawing a map of the US and was showing locations of where he had already had interviews with churches. This won't make any sense, but he was drawing the map to look like a woman's body. On the map or body, Oklahoma was the belly button. He was saying we may be here we may be there, but one thing we know for certain is that we will be having this in our future and he drew a little baby under the belly button. You have to understand... he was telling aunts, uncles and lots of cousins. Greg is always out for a good laugh and he got one that day. Everyone thought the map stunk but were so excited for the new addition to the family. At that time we seemed certain of the future that God for us in respect to another member, we just never realized that Samuel wasn't meant to stay with us here on earth. Now the future seems so uncertain in so many respects. One thing is certain though, we will continue to trust our Heavenly Father.

The pain is so deep. The pain is raw and intense. I don't want to waste this pain. If I am feeling this way, the Lord has to have a purpose in it. I have to admit through the tears I don't see it at all right now... but I am praying and trusting that with time some of that purpose will be revealed.

I know that these remains are only the remains of Samuel's physical earthly body, and that he is really very much alive with Christ. For that I am so thankful, but I selfishly, humanly grieve the life that was lost here with us, his earthly family. Today I am brokenhearted... I miss my son.

THE LORD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED AND SAVES THOSE WHO ARE CRUSHED IN SPIRIT. PSALM 34:18

WRAPPED IN LOVE

THE KIDS SNUGGLING UNDER OUR FAMILY BLANKET

WRAPPED IN THE SNUGGLY BLANKETS AND THE LOVE OF FRIENDS

Wow, it is November 30th. How can a month have already passed since we held Samuel and so quickly had to say goodbye to him. Oh, how we miss him.

I said I would post pictures of the wonderful blankets our seminary friends gave to us, and here they are. We have loved snuggling as a family under the big blanket and the kids have been using their blankets every night in bed. It is such a comfort to know that our family and friends have been praying for us. When I am under that blanket it makes me smile knowing that it was made with 4 of our friends families tying and praying for the 6 of us. That is what is carrying us (and of course God's grace) through these tough days.

Speaking of carrying us, I was just talking with a friend last night who was here for Samuel's memorial service. It is just such a blessing for me to be able to talk about Samuel to people. I know many are uncomfortable around me and probably don't want to bring him up in conversation for fear that it will upset me. But I love talking about him, he is my son. Talking about him may or may not make me cry, most likely it will... but what people don't realize is that I already feel like I am crying on the inside... pretty much the majority of the time. He is constantly on my mind. Someone recently told me the more I dwell on it the harder it may be for me.(this was not the same friend:) I just had to respond that I don't feel like I am dwelling on it, it is just right there at the forefront of my mind. I think when you plan for 9 months, carry that sweet baby for 9 months and love every bit of it, you can't help but have it be so fresh on the mind. Caring for Samuel was going to be my new 24/7 job, and I couldn't wait to do it. It is still all so new and is going to take time for me to adjust to our new life without the child we were expecting to share life with now.

OK, back to my conversation with my friend last night. She was telling me what the service was like from her perspective. She was talking about how she was amazed that our family could walk in the church singing "I know that my Redeemer Lives." I told her at the time I really felt like I could sing and praise God amidst the pain I was feeling. But now looking back I don't know how we did it, how we even made it through those first few days after Samuel was gone. She just cupped her hands in front of her and and said that she knew that God was carrying us. It is so true, there is no other explanation for it. This is such a special friend to me and I was just thankful for her encouragement and listening ear and that she was willing to sit and cry with me. I know it isn't easy these days for people to be around me, but I am so thankful for those who are willing to share our memories of Samuel and walk along side me and our family as we persevere through each day.

I will try to post tomorrow about our Thanksgiving with family.

We are back safe from our trip to Wisconsin. Greg was awesome and drove through the night and let me sleep the whole way. We were blessed with some special times with family over the last week and I will update with that and some pictures over the next couple of days.

Since we have moved so many times lately I have sent out Thanksgiving letters instead of Christmas letters for the past few years. That way people have our new address each year. Actually I think I will keep doing it in the future... it is really nice to have that task completed well before Christmas. I thought I would just post our letter in case some of you didn't receive it this time. I hope you all had a blessed Thanksgiving.

I also couldn't resist posting another picture of our sweet Samuel since the ones from our letter didn't copy onto the blog:)

Dear Family and Friends,
As many of you have probably heard our dear son Samuel Mark Hintz went to live with his Creator before He had a chance to be born here on earth. The day after his due date he just stopped moving. He was born the next morning October 30th and the Dr. said that his death was due to a cord accident. Our whole family was able to spend lots of time holding and snuggling Samuel, and taking pictures with him. This is time we will treasure and remember forever. In a day and age when life in so undervalued and sometimes not even acknowledged, we were in awe of this perfect creation God had knit together in my womb and blessed us with . He was absolutely beautiful. We loved inspecting all of his perfect parts. This baby had been prayed for before he had been conceived. Our whole family was so looking forward to sharing life with Samuel and his 9 months with us were completely enjoyed by all of us. We are so thankful to God this Thanksgiving that He blessed us with Samuel. His life with us was much shorter than we were anticipating but even now we celebrate all that he did with us as a part of our family. His life was fun for all of us, feeling him kick, hiccup and wiggle around. We are so thankful also for all of the love, support and encouragement that people have given us over the last few weeks. It has been much harder than we could have imagined, but we are clinging to the hope we have in Jesus. He is a faithful and loving God and we will continue to trust in Him. We are so thankful for your continued prayers in the months ahead as we know it is going to be difficult.

We still wanted to send out our Thanksgiving letter this year because even amidst the challenges and grieving that we face we are still thankful to God for so much. We are thankful for the great 2 years God blessed us with at the seminary. We are also so thankful for our vicarage congregation here in Oklahoma who has rallied around us and shown us such love over the last few weeks. God has taught us so much already through this and we are treasuring all of you even more than before. We thank God for you this Thanksgiving. We pray that this Christmas you will have a renewed appreciation for the gift that Jesus is to us. Having lost a son, we look at God willingly giving up his son for us in a different light. He died so that WE could live eternally. Wow, now with a son in Heaven with his Creator we long for that day when we can join him.

With love in Christ,
Greg, Sara, Louis, Caleb, Anna and Elijah Hintz