Let the craziness begin:)

So it is a camp out at the Hintz house for the next few days while my brother and sister in law go away for a short trip... 13 kiddos in the house, making for some lively times... 

It will be...

Crazy busy,

Crazy loud,

Crazy commotion...

But crazy fun... at least I am hoping so:):)

I know I am maybe a little out of the norm... but I honestly don't mind one bit:):) I was looking forward to it... plus I know how absolutely treasured a couple days away is when you have lots of little ones under foot:)

The bigger kids are outside sledding... we have a heat wave here at 11 degrees...

Ai yi yi... it has been a brutal winter as far as temperatures go... but regardless they want to go out and play... and the running around will be good for all the boys... only 3 girls here out of the 13 cousins...

I am a firm believer that those boys need to get out and run off some of that testosterone:):)  It is so good for them...

Hot water is going on the stove for hot cocoa already...

Three of the youngest... almost impossible to get one with them all looking somewhat in my direction... They look happy right?? :)

This is the reality of what it will really probably look like for the next few days:):)  Isaiah is a bit of a brute... he definitely has the beef behind him to torment the others a bit... but I have a feeling little miss will be able to hold her own:):)

Adoption... the amazing, painful truth...

Our precious Isaiah James...
 His name means.... The Lord is generous... God is salvation...

Oh, the joy this precious little man brings to my heart and our home... God was so generous to us when He blessed our lives with this sweet little soul...

EVERY SINGLE DAY.... we are so overwhelmingly blessed to be able to experience the amazing miracles in our lives because of the gift of adoption...

Yet... there are days that undeniably I am struck by the craziness of the adoption journey each of our adopted children have experienced... 

Adoption is amazing...  and yet...

Adoption can be painful... 

As an adoptive family, we for the most part, get to experience the amazing, wonderful, awesome part of adoption... What a gift!

That probably isn't the case for most birth parents...

Whether international, domestic, or embryo adoption... I think every single adoption starts with a loss... This is a very real part of each story... I can not tell you how often I pray over when and how we will handle and approach certain parts of their early beginnings... Beginnings are beautiful and wonderful... and beginnings that are extremely painful, rough, and hurtful...

I will NEVER FORGET the first time we met Isaiah's birth mom... He had been born the day before... and we had not yet met our son, who was waiting in the NICU...

Adoption can be painful...

Into the room we walked... thrilled, nervous, excited... what a gamut of emotions... 

This dear precious lady was broken... She was in a VERY difficult spot in life... but yet here she was about to give her beautiful son to us FOREVER!!!  What a totally selfless act... While we knew he had a rough start growing in her, we still immediately loved her...I can't even describe it to you... 

She, even at 36 years of age, had said she wished she could be be loved by a family like ours... I will never forget fighting back tears as she wept talking with us... When we finally left her room to go meet Isaiah, I literally sobbed in Greg's arms... my heart was broken for her... 

What tremendous loss she was experiencing... and truth be told... he was too... He was without the only mama he had grown to know over the almost 10 months inside of her... It was her blood that nurtured and grew him... her heartbeat he had been hearing... (while I would never make her out to be a saint... none of us are... and she certainly had immense struggles that she inevitably shared with him as he grew) But, she was his mom, had given him life, and was a precious, special lady to us RIGHT FROM THE VERY START...

Adoption can be painful...

Pieces are starting to fall into place for me... 

Prior to moving from Oklahoma, we visited with Isaiah's birth parents on the day we finalized the adoption... they knew we were going to be moving, making visits far more difficult... They seemed sad and worried about not getting to see him as often, yet in no way pushy or anything like that... We discussed how we could still make visits happen on our trips to Texas etc... We would be staying in contact regarding those times through the agency although I would her pictures by email...

Then just a few months later while in Oklahoma, I took a few of the kids with Isaiah and made the 2 hour trek to OKC to see them for lunch at the Agency... Literally, as I pulled in the parking lot, they canceled... :(:(  I still took the kids inside, had lunch, visited with our amazing agency staff, piled them back in the car and headed back to Tulsa... I was sad.  Truthfully, I was questioning a little bit of the reason behind canceling, only because I know their history of habits... But I didn't think too much of it...

Adoption can be painful... 

We tried to facilitate a visit with his birth mom while driving down to Texas a few weeks ago to go to the MEND leadership training as well as see family... No one could not get a hold of her...There wasn't a way for the agency to reach her by phone anymore... no response to my emails... no response to the agency emails...

Immediately, I could not help the worry that struck my heart... And instantly I remembered a precious email I received from her last fall... She was reiterating how thankful she was that we had him, that she was totally at peace with us raising him... and here is the part that twists my gut... Should anything happen to her, we are to make sure Isaiah knows how much she loved him... When I received the email it touched my heart, all of the sweet things that she had said... But in light of her falling off the radar, my heart could not help but think... Was that some sort of goodbye letter???

It makes me so sad just thinking about it... Knowing her past... I am worried about her big time... I can not describe how you can love someone so much because of the incredible gift she gave us... We pray for our kids birth/biological parents every single day, I am sure that is why our love for her continues to grow... While she has many struggles (we all do) she is a precious part of this family and my heart is sad and worried... And more importantly I am sad for Isaiah... what if that was it??? What if he never gets to see her with his own eyes someday... What if something really bad has happened to her?  As far as we and the agency know, she is still alive...

I know well enough that worrying will not get me anywhere... but from how our communication started with her, I JUST DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING... 

I know many, even within our own families, don't fully understand why we are fine with or even prefer open adoption... (that is a whole other post for another time) I think for most in their minds the words OPEN ADOPTION strikes fear or worry... for us open adoption holds many of the pieces to what makes up our kids puzzle of their lives... And for us right now there is a big piece missing... A piece we didn't really expect to go missing....for how long we don't know... 

If you think of it... would you pray for her protection... And that God's very best will is done in her life and in Isaiah's as he grows... We fully wants God's will for Isaiah's birthmom, Isaiah, and our family...

That is just a sliver of the painful part of adoption...

We are so so very grateful to experience the beautiful, miraculous parts of adoption every single day...

Isn't that just how life is... 

such a mix of joy and pain...

That beautiful tapestry that God has woven of our lives, the bright light spots mixed right in with the deep darker spots.... 

You need it all... 

The beautiful... the difficult... the challenges... the growth...  to make the beautiful picture God intended for you....

And... His name was Sam

It was a beautiful night here in Illinois...

Anna, Jojo, Hope, Levi and I went trudging through the new 7 inches of freshly fallen snow to deliver cookies to a couple of the neighbors... 

OH... MY.,.  GOODNESS... It was gorgeous out... 

Jojo right away said, "Mom, we need to do this more often... go for walks in the snow"  

We had a blast making snow angels, eating snow, playing king of the hill (you should see the HUGE piles of snow from the plows the clear the church parking lots)  It was so fun...

We had a later dinner and off I went to pick up a few things from the grocery store... 

My checker was such a nice young man... did his job well and with a smile on his face...

My eyes bounced to his name tag... and then I saw... His name was SAM...

Immediately my eyes were brimming with tears... (strange how, where and when the sadness hits you...)

I couldn't help but inspect him more closely... not in the creeper sense:):) But just to observe him... 

He had dark hair, he was just so helpful... he had a little bit bigger build...

The questions in my mind started milling... Would Samuel's hair have stayed dark like it was at birth... What would he have done for his first job? would he have had such a willing heart to help?  

My thoughts couldn't help but go to what we are missing out on with him not here with us... There should have been another little 5 year sweetie diving in the  snow with me tonight...I will never be able to see if school came easy to him or not... I will never hear his sweet voice call me mama... or see him walk down the aisle with his new bride... Seeing that young man named Sam tonight brought it all to the front of my mind...

For Samuel's sake I would never wish any different for him... He is much safer in Heaven... God knew the exact number of his days. ... I can accept that now... (that was a journey)  

But the void is undeniable... there is as hole in our family... part of my heart is in Heaven... We laugh, and we find great joy in our days... but I can't tell you how often things don't seem quite right and someone in the family says... "WHO IS MISSING?"

We miss him... We miss the giggles of a 5 year old rough housing with his 2 younger brothers... we miss the chatter and love he would have added to our home...  

As I was talking with a friend earlier today sharing some struggles I was having as of late... She said, "I am just counting on Jesus coming back!"  Oh... how my heart longs for that...

Heaven is my home... this world is beautiful, wonderful, and hard... There is joy/pain... total bliss/total heartache... And how I long for the day He returns... I have always said that Samuel has made me long for Heaven in a whole new way... I am so grateful for that eternal perspective that His precious life has given me.  I wouldn't trade that for the world... And for friends who continue to share that longing for Heaven with me... both are such gifts... 

I will never forget it...

I experienced something last week while visiting the first church we attended as a married couple... I have been left thinking on and mulling over this precious experience days and days later...

Prior to the service we were visiting with so many precious friends... Hugs from old friends...joy... love... friends... Such special people...

When Greg and I sat down in the church service, he leaned over to let me know that he had just found out a friend there  had recently been diagnosed with cancer... My heart hurt for them... I remember that feeling, that pit in my stomach when Greg was diagnosed... I still remember the conversation with Greg's parents like it was yesterday... even though in reality it has been just over 22 years...  Wow... praise God for His healing power...

Here is what sticks with me... I don't think I will likely EVER forget it...

During the prayer time, one of the pastors briefly described this friends new diagnosis of cancer and asked that he and his wife come forward as well as some others needing prayer... He also offered anyone the opportunity to come up to the rail for prayer whether it was for a specific need or to share a praise over a particular joy or victory that God had blessed them with.  Anyone was welcome...

These are the words that were spoken... "Here at _______  Church you don't EVER have to be alone!!!  _______ family come forward, lay your hands on these friends and share their burden.  You NEVER EVER have to go through a trial alone in this place... We are here for you..."


Even before the words were uttered the church family (yes, that is what it truly is there:) was surrounding all those that had come forward... I am not exaggerating by saying that there were probably 100 members up in front praying over the joys and needs of these people.  My heart was bursting with joy in seeing these people step up and be the body of Christ, His hands and feet to these hurting or rejoicing people...  I immediately was thinking... no they won't be alone... Now that all of those people had been praying for those needs... they will want to check on those who were hurting and needing healing... they will continue to pray... they may even make a meal... the ripples that will occur will be all be a part of this body of believers being Jesus in the flesh... I love it!

Have you ever gone through a trial, difficulty, illness, death of a family member alone?  I have...

There is something about grieving a dearly loved life that shatters your heart... but there is something about going through that without the body of believers surrounding you, that multiply that pain... That make the shards of your broken heart cut deeper... That isn't how God intended it to be... How it must break our Father's heart...

I don't even want to focus on what I was missing in the months following Samuel's death,  My heart has truly forgiven fully and in that  moment at that church last Sunday I was only fully rejoicing in God's amazing work in that church... 

I distinctly remember visiting a family members church 4 months after Samuel's death, probably during some of my most despairing times... I went to a prayer and praise night... I only knew one other person in the room besides my brother... yet that church family, while not my own... took me in and surrounded me with the love, care, and support that I so desperately needed... It was like a healing balm to my broken heart...

I know that cultivating a church that cares like that, that gives so freely of themselves to love, care for, and support those in great trial is not an easy task... After the service, I loved sharing with the previous pastor of this church, that my heart was bursting to see this church functioning as it was.  Clearly the Holy Spirit has done a mighty work in that place and that previous pastor (who we love), as well as the current pastor (who we love dearly as well:) were and are still are willingly following the spirit's leading... I love it!  It takes a willing and open heart of the leader as well as an openness in the hearts of the people they shepherd.

Friends, let me challenge you... to put aside your worries, fears, pride... whatever it might be, to step out of your comfort zone and be all that God intended you to be when you see others hurting or in need...  Really what are we afraid of??  Do not allow those you love or even those you hardly know at all, to go through a trial alone... Share that burden that so desperately needs sharing...

family time... me time...

Can you believe these two precious sweeties... Honestly... I can not tell you how often I look at them, all my kids for that matter, and am overwhelmed by the goodness of God... It is like staring His faithfulness right in the eye.   I know I say it again and again... but it is the truth... Having wondered if we would ever have kids... and I look at them all and how they came to us and am amazed at all God can do:)  He is so faithful... would still be faithful had we never gotten these children... but I am so thankful that HE saw fit to give us each and every one of these special kids:)

Today we were blessed to have the opportunity to worship at our old church in Texas... What a gift to us.  We absolutely love our new church home and are so thankful to be a part of the ministry team there:)  But it was such a treat to go back to the church Greg and I were at when we were first married.  We were fresh out of college and there were many times people mistook me for a students:) We saw all sorts of faculty we had worked with... students... parents of students... previous pastors... and friends...  It had me feeling so nostalgic... It was such a precious time in our lives when we were worshipping there... fun to be back in our old stomping grounds:)  The worship amazing... prayer time so special and such a delight to hug so many old friends:)  

About my MEND conference... It is hard to describe the weekend.  First off I actually had a room/bathroom to myself.  I had moments of total quiet and it was a treat:)  I made many new friends who went above and beyond to make me feel comfortable and to help me in any way to get MEND Chicagoland rolling.  I learned so much...and got so many great ideas...

But I think most of all... Simply put, the conference got me so excited to begin the MEND Chicagoland chapter.  So many great reminders of why it will so worth it to bring MEND here.  Starting up will probably be the hardest... but I am so thrilled with the opportunity to reach out to families who are grieving the loss of their precious babies.  It was a very encouraging time for me and even hearing the other chapter directors and their assistants stories was such a good reminder that we don't walk this journey alone.   I don't necessarily feel equipped... but I know that the Lord equips those HE calls.  

Again the Lord reaffirmed in my heart the beauty of loving support during a loss.  A friend and I randomly started talked about the baby that she miscarried 30 years ago.  Yes... mommies who lose babies still miss their baby,  years and years later...You carry that baby, whether they lived for a year, 2 months, for 2 weeks,  so close to your heart  forever.                                                                                                                                                                           

Now off to bed... the rest of the work can wait for morning:)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Remembering the day...

Remembering the day... 

We discovered and visited a brand new orphanage to us...

23 sweet adoptable toddlers... be still my heart... Have you ever seen anything so beautiful??

Remembering the day... 

They immediately clamored up in my lab and cuddled around me to show me love... and to receive a tender loving touch... It wasn't long and 2 were fast asleep...

Remembering the day... 

Those beautiful deep dark eyes looked right into and stole my heart... 

What a beauty!!

Remembering the day...  

Love took on flesh for the orphans of Uganda whether it was through hugs, special talks or letting little hands play continually with your hair...

They were hilarious...

Remembering the day...

We got loads of giggles when a sweet precious little one cuddled up fast asleep next to Caleb...So content... so relaxed... so much so that she tinkled on the couch and it ran right down the angled couch cushion and soaked Emma's skirt through and through... She literally had to wring it out...

I am so thankful for the precious life the Lord has given me here in the states... 

But my heart is literally in two places... 

I love those people...

I love that country...

And my heart has been deeply blessed by every single second I got to spend with the precious kids in Uganda... 

It is hard to believe that just 3 weeks ago we were driving those red dirt roads of Uganda... it seems impossible... What a gift to have the opportunity to share such a special trip with my boys...

A new MEND chapter starting near you...

I am so very excited to share with you all that I was approved to start a new chapter of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) in the Chicagoland area.

I have always felt a stirring in my heart that if we ever moved that the Lord might open up the doors for me to start a new MEND infant loss support group wherever He might place us...

After we moved... each time I got a new MEND newsletter I could feel God working on me.  I knew that certainly He was leading me to take the next step and actually get one up and running here. 

I am super excited to head to Dallas this next week for our annual leadership conference.  I have lots of loose ends to tie up with Uganda... like loads of Thank yous... and then I know I will have more time to truly focus on getting MEND rolling here.  I am hoping that we can start meeting later in the Spring or in early summer. 

If you are in the Chicagoland area and want to be a part of our new infant loss support group through either helping or just attending, email me at hintzmom27@yahoo.com  and I can give you more information:) 

I am so thankful that the Lord has opened up this door for me.  After grieving the loss of Samuel in a brand new city... He burdened me for people who have suffered a loss and don't necessarily have a great support system in place.  Even if you have excellent support, unless someone has lived through the loss of a baby, most people truly just don't understand all that goes into grieving, recovering from and healing from a loss like that.  (I just met with a new mom yesterday, who lost her baby girl 6 weeks prior... my heart hurts for her deeply today... that fresh grief is SO HARD, and it only reconfirmed in my heart the blessing MEND is to hurting moms.)

While I NEVER wished to be a part of this baby loss community, I know first hand that MEND Tulsa was a lifeline for me in my first year after Samuel's death.  Truly, I am not sure I would have survived it with out MEND, and of course my faith... but having those other women who understood my pain, in the flesh to walk along side of me was a HUGE blessing. 

I am so looking forward to coming along side of hurting families in the Chicagoland area and offering them  support and Hope during their times of loss and sorrow.  Let me know if any of you have any questions... I love sharing about MEND, their mission, and how we can help those who have suffered the loss of a baby...