Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Hope was not in a good mood as you can tell...

I have to tell you that celebrating Samuel's 2nd birthday in Heaven didn't really go at all like I had thought or planned. We had been so busy, the house was a mess, and unfortunately there was work that just had to get done. Louis, had his confirmation at church on Sunday, and we were having company so there were things that had to be accomplished. But honestly, it is funny how even in that, a part of me has to trust that was how the Lord wanted it to go for us... maybe He knew I would need a bit of a distraction during the two days. So I trust that it went how the Lord wanted it to go.

We were able to go see a matinee at the movie theatre as a family. We did that last year, and it was a treat again, as we do not do that often at all. The boys and Greg finished up the loft that they had been working on in their room. Now all it needs is a coat or 2 of paint... their room has so much more space now, which is really nice. Daddy won major points there with mom and with the boys, they think they have the coolest room EVER!

We were able to release balloons, we did this at our walk to remember, but we had more time to really think about what we wanted to write on them here at home. We had cake and just did a lot of remembering of our precious Samuel.

I have to be honest that Friday was REALLY hard. It is amazing how you can feel yourself going there... to that really sad, despairing, remembering the details of how it all happened. I really don't think I could stop myself if I tried. Those were the days 2 years ago that life changed forever, I changed forever, and I experienced in my body the worst possible thing I could have ever imagined. You can't help but remember... this was the time of day we knew officially he was really gone, this was the time of day I totally lost it with the nurses in the room, this was the time of day I pushed him out and first set eyes on him... this was the time of day we handed him over to the nurse for the very last time... never to set eyes on him again this side of heaven. I think that is part of it... the beautiful moments with Samuel, and the awful memories all at the same time.

I truly had a few hours in my bed with Greg where I was beside myself in sadness. It is amazing how you can go back to that place. I still go there occasionally, but Friday when I was there, I had the realization that was where I had been living for about a year straight after he died. I am so thankful to not be there anymore permanently, but just to go there occasionally and for a much shorter period of time. I don't know if that makes sense, but it is the only way I can think to express it. We didn't watch his video or go through his things... I really didn't think I could do it... and I know those are both things I can really do at any time.... when I am ready again.

The 2 days went ok... as well as I can expect I guess. At this point I think I am just a bit emotionally exhausted. I am so thankful for the Lord's healing in my life. I am so thankful for the blessing of Samuel and that God chose us to be Samuel's family here on earth. I can't wait to be reunited with my son someday in Heaven... but right now, that seems so far off. I guess with each year that passes, I am one year closer tothat day. I continue to pray that the Lord will continue to heal our family... I know that I personally have a very long way to go. But it is nice to see progress with time. I just spoke with a woman that lost her husband about 17 years ago, and she said she still struggles at that time of year when he was hospitalized and passed away. That brought me comfort in knowing that there is no time table with grief. It helped me feel more normal, and not so alone in the suffering of losing someone I love so much! I will go where the Lord leads me in my grief and hopefully will allow Him to use our grief as well.

Mommy never stops thinking about you and being thankful for your short life inside of me. Samuel, you changed me forever, in ways I never knew possible. Even though you never breathed a breath of life on this earth, your life mattered to us. God created you, you were fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator of the universe. He knit you together inside of me. I feel so blessed that I got the chance to carry you for your time here on this earth. We loved you from the minute we knew you were a coming... we treasured our 9 months and 1 day with you. I would do it all again in a heartbeat, pain and all, just to have you a part of our life again. What a gift you were to us.

We can't wait to see you again, and to have our family be whole and together again for eternity. Missing and loving you, my sweet precious Samuel... today... and forever!


Kristin said...

Sara, thank you for once again sharing your heart! I agree about the passing of time. There are days that I wonder how to get through, but then I remember that first year without Ryan and I am thankful that my heart is healing! I love that you wrote on the balloons -- we have sent balloons, but I have never thought about sending messages on them! :)

Stacy said...

Walking beside, grieving with you, and ushering you before the Lord in prayer. Thank you for sharing the details of your two days honoring the life of you sweet boy Samuel. May God continue to comfort your heart through each hurt, each memory, each moment.

Know you are loved, even though we've never met face to face.

In Christ,

mom2many said...

Saturdays are still hard if I allow myself to go there...which I do. For some reason, this past week has been hard, also...not sure why. Maybe knowing the Holidays are coming up? (And my husband is out of town!)

Oh...I wanted to tell you how stinking cute your belly looks!!! I love it!!!