Saturday, May 1, 2010




Tonight before I wrote this post I looked again at my Now I lay Me Down to Sleep pictures of our time with Samuel. We have pictures of Samuel all over the house... but tonight I just felt the need to look at them in detail; to gaze over the details of him... the peach fuzz on his face, the rosy red lips, the turned out little toe... all of it. I cried for him all over again... the ache in my arms is still there for me son... so with that I write this post... it is a little all over the place:)
I had an absolutely delightful day on Friday at the Home school conference. Initially the whole family planned on going to the city, it was a couple hours drive for us, but we decided for many reasons it was probably best that I just go... Since I was only shopping and not really attending the conference, I figured that it may not be the easiest place for Greg to keep everyone busy. Next year though maybe we will all go and actually take in the conference, the kids programs and the shopping. I always try to get all my books ordered for the next year and it is so nice to be able to see all of the books right in front of me before I actually buy them. It is always a huge relief to have them ordered and ready to go for the next year... then when summer rolls around we can just enjoy the summer and the big stuff is behind us...
Anyways, Jojo really wanted to come with me. I am so blessed by that little boy. He is the best natured kid. Truly, he is the kid who is frequently saying, "This is the best day of my life mama... the sun is so bright and shiny." Or like on Friday when he said, "This is the best day of my life mama... I had my first Gyro." He is generally almost always happy and finds great joy in the REALLY little things in life and it is so absolutely precious. We had a ball driving there, walking the city streets, and shopping, shopping, and shopping. He was such a good sport. The great thing is that at lots of the vendors they have bowls of candy out... I know is that bad or what?... but it was incredibly easy to keep him tied over with a little treat here and there. He thought the nachos for lunch were awesome and the slushy even better. It was a day of indulging with Jojo and it was a ball.
One of the definite highlights for me was meeting my blog friend Tracy... now I can say she is a real life friend:) She lost her 2 year old son Jacob just 2 months before we lost Samuel so we have had a lot of things in common over the last 18 mos. She is an encouragement to me, she has such a strong faith. There has been many occasions that after I blogged about something she said just the thing I needed to hear. It was funny, I recognized her right away and gave her a big hug... and we just started chatting like old friends. I know that sounds very cliche, but it was true. We talked about the two baby girls we are both hoping to adopt and of course we talked of their big brothers Samuel and Jacob. It was so nice to finally meet her.
Just having met Tracy for the first time, as I was driving home, I was overcome with emotion as I thought about the blessing that all my new friends have been to me. I have made friends in places and ways I would NEVER before have thought possible. I would never have dreamt that I would stop and stay with a blog friend I had never met in person before, yet when I stayed with Tonya in GA back it January, it was like we had known each other forever and felt totally like the natural thing to do... I could have stayed days:) I am just so thankful that the Lord saw fit to bless me with people along this journey that know exactly what I have experienced and still experience. What a gift that has been to me.
Lord, 18 mos have passed since I met my son face to face and held that precious little one. How can it be that long Father... but I smile knowing that means I am 18 mos closer to seeing Him and you for eternity. Thank you Jesus for knowing exactly who and what I have needed and for providing it along this journey. There were days Lord, no months Lord, in this new place that I longed for you to provide people, your people Lord, to minister to me. It took so much longer than I wanted God, it was so much harder than I ever dreamed even possible. I was alone Lord, I felt so alone, but Lord you were there... in the darkness and total loneliness you were there. You were carrying me and sustaining me, though it felt like it was by a thread... God if you are that thread Lord then it is enough. I could NEVER have said that a year ago, but I can today Lord. You are enough! Just being able to utter those words feels miraculous to me God...
Father, the longer I live, the more I realize the less I really know your ways... I think... no I know they are far far beyond my comprehension... Yet you know what I need before I have even known that I needed it. Lord though the growing and stretching has been incredibly painful and still is, thank you for those growing pains. Lord I would have it no other way. If this is what I get as a result of being Samuel's mom here on earth for those 9+ mos... I will take it Father, it is worth it, He is so worth it. As I looked tonight again Father, at the close up pictures of my precious son, I saw anew your beautiful miraculous creation that you grew within me. Father, even though 18 mos have passed and it feels like as His mommy, I am the only one who really remembers Him like I do, that is hard God, so hard. I feel like his life left this huge impression but it feels like a gaping hole in my heart. Even those I can feel the edges of that wound starting to heal, it still bleeds so easily. All of this because of that 9 lb 2 oz miracle you gave us for a time and took so quickly back to yourself. What a precious gift that I will forever treasure and cherish... Forever Father till you reunite us in your presence! Thank you for using this trial to grow me and grow my compassion for others. Lord, please continue to use this pain for your purposes... don't waste this pain... use it Father however you see fit... and come Lord Jesus Come, we are ready Father... ready for YOU FATHER!


Tonya said...

Sara, this is a beautiful post straight from your heart. I can't believe 18 months have passed already. I would love to have our sons here with us, but I'm so very thankful that because of our losses, our paths have crossed. Thank you for being there for me this week and always when I need you. You are such a blessing in my life...I'm not sure you will ever truly know just how much! I wish you could have stayed for days, too! One night just wasn't enough...but just like with Grady and Samuel's short wasn't enough...but I'll take it for now! Love you and praying always!!!


mom2many said...

You are so sweet! And it's funny...I thought the same thing...we are now "IRL" friends!! I wish we could have spent more time together while you were here. Once I recover from convention, I'll start thinking about coming and visiting you with my herd!! I love the way the Lord brings such precious people into our lives just when we need them. I'm going to send you a cd of my workshop when I get one! Love you!!

Anonymous said...

looks like you had a good time at the homeschool conference. thanks so much for going with me to my first one - i always think of you when it's time again for the one at olympia! jojo came to that one, too, because he was only a couple months old, remember?

thanks for sharing your deep, personal thoughts on samuel. always thinking of you.....


Lisa said...


Thank you so much for the note you left on my blog! I have been following your blog since shortly after Jackson passed away. One of my sweet friends thought it might be helpful for me.

I can't tell you enough how your strength and courage has been a light for me. It gives me a sense of normal for what i am feeling. Thank you for sharing your story. Your kids are all so cute! I will keep you in my prayers!