LIVING FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE

Question for you fellow bloggers... a technical question... why is it that some of the time my posts will come out with line spaces between paragraphs and then other times... not matter how many lines I put between the paragraphs, they all run together? Can anyone help me out with that??? Now onto the regular post...

I wanted to post some more pictures from Mother's Day even though they have nothing to do with this post really... well I guess in a sense they do... Man how I love these kids:)

I don't know what it has been lately but I have felt more under the microscope in a sense. I know that I have said this before that I have NEVER been overly confident. But in the same sense I have never really struggled with too much insecurity. I have felt pretty confident in who God has made me. But lately there are times that I feel the eyes watching... I think that there are numerous things that are leading to me feeling that way...

Does it at all matter that I am married to a pastor? Sometimes I think people may have the wrong impressions of pastor's families. Do we have it all together??? No way! Do we try? Sure:) Haha... no really, we do try to bring Him glory, but with that being said, we struggle and sin just like the next person... I remember when we first moved here. I was 6 mos. pregnant with our 5th child. We had just come from the seminary community, which is kind of living in this Christian bubble. We home schooled. I know people were checking us out to a degree in the front pew. I tried to keep all the kids attentive and not too noisy during church.

Then my Samuel died inside of me... I remember going to church to hear Greg preach just 3 days after I gave birth to my still son. I remember coming in late, (making sure I missed the announcement to everyone before the service about our baby dying) sitting in the very back pew. I remember hearing a newborn crying just a few rows ahead of me. I remember that with that newborns cry my milk came in... and then started a new kind of pain in my chest... a physical pain.... different from the pain of my broken heart. I do also remember being so proud of my husband that he held it together for the most part, while I cried silently in the back pew. Many people have told me that I wasn't the only one crying that day as my husband preached on All Saints Day about the Saints (the believers) that have gone before us... our son being included in that just days earlier.

I know many watched me grieve from that front pew in the following months... But truly at the time, I didn't really care who saw me crying every Sunday. It was what I needed to do. I needed to release some of what I was feeling inside of me. But when you are grieving in somewhat public places you can't help but feeling like you are in a bit of a fish bowl. I am not saying this at all in a bad way... I know that is a part of life... I like to people watch sometimes too:)

I know that there are things that our family chooses to do that are against the norm... like homeschooling for example.... I have never been one to push homeschooling on anyone. I know that it isn't for everyone. I know that it may seem different to many. But what I do know is that it is working for our family for many reasons. We love the flexibility it gives us. We love the time with the daddy of the house that it affords us. We love that it draws our family closer together. We love being with our kids... they are growing up so fast... I am so thankful I have had the opportunity to spend these past years being their mom and their teacher...

With all that being said, I know others look at us homeschooling and wonder....

I know in the past I have felt a little "odd" for my desire to have a larger than normal size family...(really what is normal anyway??:)

I know in the past I have felt little "odd" for my love of natural childbirth...

I know in the past I have felt a little "odd" for my love of natural food and homeopathic remedies....

Did I mention, that I started to grind some of my own grains for flour??? And by the way, I really have enjoyed cloth diapering sweet baby girl:) I know it may ALL sound a little "odd"...

I say all of these things with a smile on my face... they aren't for everybody and that is perfectly fine... but they are parts of me, that make me who God made me to be...

I mentioned a little in a previous post about some things that have been going on in our neighborhood. I will try not to say too much. We had a run in last summer with a mother in our neighborhood over an incident on our tramp with her child. (I of course was in the house and missed the whole thing, although there were many kids out there that witnessed it, and could later tell us what happened) Greg and I went over to apologize for whatever part that Caleb had in it. (We know our Caleb isn't always innocent, but we also know that He wasn't fully to blame, from what we heard from the other kids). This mom has since said bad things about our Caleb to neighbors.... That was the first incident...

Then just recently, I have heard from 2 other neighbors of some things she is saying about Louis that are down right slanderous. Really she out right made up these things. Truly it had my blood boiling... It REALLY had Greg's hot. You don't say those kinds of lies. Once again, I know Louis is not a perfect child, but truly he is a really good kid. Both neighbors who had heard the slanderous comments right away told me, that they knew immediately that it was a lie. I am so thankful that his reputation is speaking louder than her words... but I am still not at all happy about it.... That was the second incident....

Then the other day we were out taking an evening walk taking banana bread to a new neighbor on the other side of our very small neighborhood. Well, the 4 neighborhood dogs were walking with us. (Remember, we are not dog owners... they just like to hang with us) Well this same family had their dog outside and for some crazy reason, 2 of the dogs ran and started fighting with their dog... Just our luck... they knew they weren't our dogs, but laid into us anyways.... Oh my! It was crazy... That was the third incident....

It makes me wonder... is Satan working overtime here? Do we do anything about these slanderous comments? Why does this woman not like us? I have a feeling she doesn't really appreciate or agree with a lot of what we stand for. I want to pray for their family and do, but at the same time, I know that there shouldn't be interaction at all between any of us. That is the safest and best thing right now... we have apologized in the past and it went no where. A part of me can't help but feel like we have only reached out in love, but that we are being targeted a bit by them. I will continue to pray for them and encourage my kids to as well. I am not trying to be overly dramatic... but it is just another one of those things that I think have led to my feeling of being under the microscope...

Sorry for the novel... I know it was a little all over the place...I will try to wrap this up...

As I was running the other day... the Lord again impressed upon my heart... THAT THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME... (Praise God for that!) I am not here to please man... I am here to please God. Now in this process, I don't ever want to offensive or come across as unloving. I think we can speak the truth in love. I think we can lead our family in the way we feel God guiding us to lead them... (That will be different for different families:) We pray for His leading, we pray over decisions we need to make, we pray for His guidance. I think if we do that, and feel His leading... THEN WE CAN AND NEED TO LEAD our family BOLDLY in how He has called us to!

I know that in no way can I relate to the persecution that many feel for their faith...who knows maybe someday I will. But for now we have to hold to the convictions we have in our heart and not worry what others think about it.

One of my favorite parts in scripture is from 1st Corinthians.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light an momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that FAR outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is TEMPORARY, but what is unseen is ETERNAL! 1st Corinthians 4:16-18

So I am going to fix my eyes on the eternal... and not live for this world... BUT LIVE FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE!

My Savior Jesus is my audience... I want to bring Him glory... I want to follow Him... I want to obey Him... He is my audience... and in the mean time I won't worry about what the world may think...