Monday, April 5, 2010


Easter Sunday after the egg hunt:)

The kids after they hunted down their Easter baskets in the yard... the sun was setting... it was a LONG but beautiful day:)

Oh Easter, what a wild mix of emotions for me. Can I first of all say I am completely exhausted... I am not sure what did it...maybe it was getting the kids ready for all the services we had this past week... or maybe it was actually trying to keep sweet little girl somewhat quiet in church each day for the last 4 days. She is so super busy right now, you have to be on your toes constantly keeping her distracted... don't get me wrong... I love it... totally love it. I would have it no other way:)

We were blessed to be invited over to the house of a friend for Easter. It was a real treat to not have to cook up the whole meal, but rather just bring some stuff to share. The kids had an absolute blast and it was really nice to visit and relax a bit. We got some amazing pictures of the whole family that I am just dying to post... but I still better not. UGH!! SIGH!!! Sweet girl is getting more precious by the day as her hair is growing and getting curlier and curlier... I just love it!

I had a moment tonight in the bathroom after brushing her teeth and looking at her in the mirror in my arms... oh my, what if after all of this we don't get to keep her? We are all so in love with her. She just fits in perfectly. I have to be honest, we have loved her and treated her fully as ours from the day we got her. But in the back of your mind there was always this thought... she may not stay. Now the longer she stays, the more it feels like she has always been here, that she fully belongs here, that she is completely just one of us.... and it feels so good and right. Then you remind yourself of the reality that it really doesn't matter how perfect it feels, it is totally out of our control and hands. I know God is in control, yet I have seen fully that even if He is in control... it may hurt like crazy. It can be a hard balance... and tonight is one of those nights that I am just scared that my heart will be broken again.

Surrender... surrender... I have to continually remind myself to surrender!

Some Easter thoughts...

I was so struck yesterday with the picture of Heaven. All day long I was just envisioning my Samuel and a few of his special friends up in heaven celebrating the risen king. But can you imagine celebrating the risen king WITH THE RISEN KING HIMSELF. What a wild and crazy thought. Oh how I long to be in on that celebration with them all.
I think last year I was still in the fog... This year I felt Samuel missing even more profoundly than I think I did last year. Seeing sweet little girl gives me a clear glimpse of what Samuel would be doing.
I know this will sound so trivial and simple minded... but this year I was so struck by Christ's work on the cross. Obviously I have always known that His death and resurrection is what has made a way for me to be forgiven and spend eternity with him. And ultimately that is my hearts desire... but right now the ache in my heart is to also see my son again. How I long for the day when I can scoop him up in my arms and be with him again. And Christ's death and resurrection has also made a way for that... for me to spend eternity with my Samuel. I am so thankful that God has made a way for me... for me to spend eternity with Him and with my son.

I remember someone telling me that I better be careful to not just long for Heaven because I am longing to be with Samuel again and not my Savior. But that isn't it at all. Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song entitled Heaven is the Face that captures my feelings so acutely ... I know that Heaven will be so much more than I can envision or even conjure up in my mind. But God also knows what my heart is aching for here on earth... my son. So since I can't really see into Heaven... but do know my son is there... I can't help but to think of going there to see him also.
Ultimately, I long for eternity and the assurance it gives. No more pain, no more tears, no more suffering. The trials, sin, darkness, ugliness of this world, a distant memory... Oh to just rest in Him, to be present with all the saints and to be in the presence of our Risen King... our King who is alive. Truly, I just can't wait for it... can't wait for eternity...

Here is a video done by K-LOVE (I have no idea why that guys face is cut off in the intro??) of Steven singing Heaven is the Face... (By the way, His new CD Beauty will Rise is amazing. It was written since the loss of his daughter Maria... so touching, the whole CD) don't forget to pause the music on the side of the blog so you can hear him singing... enjoy it...

1 comment:

Becky said...

Beautiful. Love your post, loved the SCC song.
Miss you friend.