Wednesday, April 21, 2010


For the last few days I have wanted to post but have struggled with what to post about or where to start. Sometimes I wish people could get a glimpse into my mind. Someone last night described the mind of of woman as spaghetti... all over the place. I immediately thought, and that is how the grief is, all over the place, all tangled up with everything in my mind.

As much as I know many would hope that I was"over my grief" enough to stop posting about it, the truth is... that is how it is... as much as there is great joy in my days, the grief is still there intermingled with everything. I still miss Samuel so so much. As much as I had hoped that grief was a steady climb to feeling better eventually... it isn't. There is a line in one of Steven Curtis Chapman's songs off of His new album where he is talking about his wife. He specifically says, "I know the wound's so deep inside your heart, it's there for good." That is how I feel... this wound is there for good. As much as the wound is healing... there is still a scab there and at times that scab gets ripped off and is bleeding or oozing... then it heals a little more... then it bleeds again. Eventually there will be a scar there but the wound will still be there.... ALWAYS!

Sometimes I wonder if the other things that have occurred (losing Joel the baby we were going to adopt, the miscarriage, the crazy situation with the adoption of sweet baby girl) since losing Samuel have accentuated the loss at all... but I really doubt it. It maybe had added some other stressful situations to the mix, but loss is loss.

Last night at MEND, there were two new girls there, both having losses within the last 8 weeks. One at 32 weeks and one at 38 1/2 weeks. It was so hard to watch them... my heart just breaks for them... knowing exactly the shock they are experiencing and even more so the journey that will be ahead...Right now they are feeling so surrounded in love and support... I know the journey ahead there in people's reactions too.... so hard!

Just a couple of weeks ago Greg and I went to a big social sort of outing at church. It was a bowling fundraiser for a ministry at church. During the event I just leaned over and whispered in my honeys ear, "Why do I have such a HARD time being myself?" There are those safe places or safe people... people who you know completely love you for you... or that you clearly get the sense that they are ok with your loss, talking about it, seeing you cry... or they may even cry with you. I am so thankful for those safe places in my life... so incredibly thankful... But not all places feel safe, does that make sense?

It is really hard to hardly recognize yourself at moments. I used to thrive on those big party like atmospheres... now not so much. After the event Greg brought up the fact that it was really the first time since Samuel died that I was at an event like that and he thought I did really well. I managed, but I knew how my heart was feeling.

I am curious if any of you struggled with being the "the new you" after a loss. How do you get used to yourself? (I know that sounds silly:) How did you learn to grow to be comfortable with the "new you"? It is one thing to trudge through your sorrow over the loss of your child, but it something different to trudge through the loss of your old carefree life that you had, now things are different. I long for those deep, safe friendships, and I know that I am blessed to have those. (I know that being my friend isn't what it used to be either:)

I just had the random thought that I am sure my extended family wishes for the "old me" too. How do you get others to understand, love and appreciate the "new you"? How do you help them understand that because of your loss you can't go back, you are forever changed by what you went through. I can hear the words of certain people... "That I am doing it to myself, just pick myself up by the bootstraps, and just be who I was. That it is all with in my control... That it is my choice... That I can be me, the old me. Just do it." How do you help them understand that it just doesn't work that way?

Don't get me wrong. I KNOW that the Lord WILL bring beauty from these ashes. I KNOW that the Lord will bring healing, He continues to and I praise Him for the progress He has brought in my heart. I KNOW He is sovereign. I trust Him. I KNOW that I will have joy in my life and I do now... but I also know that I am different. Being the "new me" is still uncomfortable, does that make sense?

Obviously I came up with something to blog about huh?:)

I will try to give an update on Sweet baby girl sometime soon.

Any suggestions from any other fellow loss mamas or anyone who has experienced loss in general would be appreciated... thanks for your prayers too.


lprecour said...

Oh Sara,

I do not know what to say. From watching and taking care of my dieing Dad to losing three babies it changes you forever. I am not carefree anymore and laugh less! But I love myself and know in my heart that I am changed person and a stronger one too! You have to accept the new you and be ok with that. You are a wonderful person and Greg and your children are lucky to have you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Sara,
Jessica Fashun google account wouldn't let me in... : - )

You wrote:
"I am curious if any of you struggled with being the "the new you" after a loss. How do you get used to yourself? (I know that sounds silly:) How did you learn to grow to be comfortable with the "new you"?

I have thought a lot about the above statement. My grief took on a totally different face mainly because I had to grieve the loss of something I never had. I wanted (will always want) to know the joys and difficulties of pregnancy, to give birth, to have that connection, to know life was created in me, all of it, but I never got. I did EVERYTHING I could to get it, but it wasn't God's plan. Reconciling that took years. It's been 10 since my failed in vitro, and subsequent failed marriage, and the wound will always be there. Your analogy of a scab is perfect. It sometimes reopens. My grief is just beginning in some ways. I could not grieve the loss of not having my own child until I had a child (through adoption) Eliana makes that wound so much easier to deal with, but I still get jealous of people (like my beautiful pregnant sister in law) As for being the new me, I never looked at it that way, maybe because I lived with the grief for so long that it just became me without my even being aware of it.
You do find your true friends through loss and grief, it is hard to be my friend too, I think. I hold a lot inside and I do wish folks would understand that we actually have no bootstraps left to even consider pulling ourselves up by on some days. I am just not shy about saying aloud, 'today I hurt', or 'today treat me with an extra measure of grace and love because my scab fell off' to use your language.
I think it'd be nice to live a few days in the me that existed before I ever started with pursuing pregnancy, but mostly I think that it's the grief that has shaped me into the person I am. I know you know all of this, but I'm commiserating... it IS the new us, we are living on earth, it's just plain hard to do. I would say you're just 'in it', the grief is just still raw. period. I wish there was some way that we could give some of it away now and again, but we just have to press on.
I will pray for you. Let each emotion rise, acknowledge that it's there, and then try to watch it pass through you and on to wherever emotions go when they leave us. The new you is both harder and softer than the old you. But there's no use trying to be something you're not. I just went to my first big church function in many, many years... I hear you. Giant hug!
with love and light,

mom2many said...

Okay...I'm going to say this as a grieving mama and as your friend. STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF!!! :) It's true, you will never be the "old" you, but is that really a bad thing? I think one of the hardest things to do is realize that this is about you...not about what your old friends and family think. You are the one healing. Yours is the life that was changed. I know it's hard. I still have days when I go through the store and think "Do these people know that I used to push a baby in this cart?" And the whole "How many children do you have?" still catches me off guard.

That was a bunch of rambling. Sorry. But, I promise it gets easier. I recall events that I went to and all I can remember is how miserable I was. How I didn't smile at all. How I wanted to be home in my room!! Sara, you will never be the same, but give yourself some time and embrace the new you. Now you have a gift you didn't have before. You know exactly what it's like to lose a baby at birth. I don't know what that is like. I do know what it's like to lose a child to a tragic accident. Our "new" selves are meant for something. God has big things in store for us and I believe one of those is to use our experience to help others...for His glory. It's hard to do, especially since our wounds are so fresh. It's okay, Sara. You're okay. I like you just the way you are!

Ebe said...

I'm a really different person now too. I feel a lot like 'debby downer' in social gatherings, but I'm so much more thoughtful in my words and actions than I used to be. I like that about the 'new me'. I think if you can step back and look at yourself, you would see some things that are beautiful and have come from such dark and awful tragedies.
I'm sorry that this road is so hard. You're not alone, friend.

love you,

Anonymous said...

I understand about the not feeling like yourself thing, but more in general, not after just one large grief, after many smaller ones. The loss of my grandpa and grandma, the loss of a few friends, and the loss of a chance to get to know my father. I think a big part of my problem is not having anyone besides Cody that really knows the real me, I've known alot of the people around me my whole life but haven't had a great connection with them. (It's hard to learn to trust people, especially after you have been hurt a few times) I loved the spaghetti reference, everything is always mixed up and there's emotions in places you wouldn't think there would be. So to answer your question, there aren't alot of places I feel like I can be myself either.

Corie said...

Just checked in. Haven't been on my computer for quite some time. Been hanging out ALOT on my couch! :) I think it will always be a battle to find who we are now or maybe we feel we should be something different instead of just embracing who we are now. I find myself fighting it more when I am around people who wish I was my "old self"! I'm still in what I'd like to call "the dance". Sometimes it seems easy and graceful and sometimes I'm suprised by the difficulty of my steps:) Praying for you.