For the last few days I have wanted to post but have struggled with what to post about or where to start. Sometimes I wish people could get a glimpse into my mind. Someone last night described the mind of of woman as spaghetti... all over the place. I immediately thought, and that is how the grief is, all over the place, all tangled up with everything in my mind.
As much as I know many would hope that I was"over my grief" enough to stop posting about it, the truth is... that is how it is... as much as there is great joy in my days, the grief is still there intermingled with everything. I still miss Samuel so so much. As much as I had hoped that grief was a steady climb to feeling better eventually... it isn't. There is a line in one of Steven Curtis Chapman's songs off of His new album where he is talking about his wife. He specifically says, "I know the wound's so deep inside your heart, it's there for good." That is how I feel... this wound is there for good. As much as the wound is healing... there is still a scab there and at times that scab gets ripped off and is bleeding or oozing... then it heals a little more... then it bleeds again. Eventually there will be a scar there but the wound will still be there.... ALWAYS!
Sometimes I wonder if the other things that have occurred (losing Joel the baby we were going to adopt, the miscarriage, the crazy situation with the adoption of sweet baby girl) since losing Samuel have accentuated the loss at all... but I really doubt it. It maybe had added some other stressful situations to the mix, but loss is loss.
Last night at MEND, there were two new girls there, both having losses within the last 8 weeks. One at 32 weeks and one at 38 1/2 weeks. It was so hard to watch them... my heart just breaks for them... knowing exactly the shock they are experiencing and even more so the journey that will be ahead...Right now they are feeling so surrounded in love and support... I know the journey ahead there in people's reactions too.... so hard!
Just a couple of weeks ago Greg and I went to a big social sort of outing at church. It was a bowling fundraiser for a ministry at church. During the event I just leaned over and whispered in my honeys ear, "Why do I have such a HARD time being myself?" There are those safe places or safe people... people who you know completely love you for you... or that you clearly get the sense that they are ok with your loss, talking about it, seeing you cry... or they may even cry with you. I am so thankful for those safe places in my life... so incredibly thankful... But not all places feel safe, does that make sense?
It is really hard to hardly recognize yourself at moments. I used to thrive on those big party like atmospheres... now not so much. After the event Greg brought up the fact that it was really the first time since Samuel died that I was at an event like that and he thought I did really well. I managed, but I knew how my heart was feeling.
I am curious if any of you struggled with being the "the new you" after a loss. How do you get used to yourself? (I know that sounds silly:) How did you learn to grow to be comfortable with the "new you"? It is one thing to trudge through your sorrow over the loss of your child, but it something different to trudge through the loss of your old carefree life that you had, now things are different. I long for those deep, safe friendships, and I know that I am blessed to have those. (I know that being my friend isn't what it used to be either:)
I just had the random thought that I am sure my extended family wishes for the "old me" too. How do you get others to understand, love and appreciate the "new you"? How do you help them understand that because of your loss you can't go back, you are forever changed by what you went through. I can hear the words of certain people... "That I am doing it to myself, just pick myself up by the bootstraps, and just be who I was. That it is all with in my control... That it is my choice... That I can be me, the old me. Just do it." How do you help them understand that it just doesn't work that way?
Don't get me wrong. I KNOW that the Lord WILL bring beauty from these ashes. I KNOW that the Lord will bring healing, He continues to and I praise Him for the progress He has brought in my heart. I KNOW He is sovereign. I trust Him. I KNOW that I will have joy in my life and I do now... but I also know that I am different. Being the "new me" is still uncomfortable, does that make sense?
Obviously I came up with something to blog about huh?:)
I will try to give an update on Sweet baby girl sometime soon.
Any suggestions from any other fellow loss mamas or anyone who has experienced loss in general would be appreciated... thanks for your prayers too.