Sunday, May 31, 2009


I remember one summer when I was pregnant with Anna, and Greg had been gone for a couple of weeks on youth trips. I decided to take the 2 boys up to my parents lake home in upper Wisconsin. It was a CRAZY week... It was constant, one thing after another. The first time I talked to Greg I had to explain how Louis has gotten swimmers itch from the lake. He was covered head to toe in little itchy bumps. He was miserable. I had maybe 15 bumps and it was enough to drive me batty, the itchiness. The next time I talked with Greg maybe 2 days later I had to explain that Louis had literally knocked one of his teeth out root and all, after a fall down the wooden steps. And if you know Caleb... constant motion:) Crazy times, but still precious times.

I remember laying in bed that night after the tooth incident and thinking,"Oh Lord, I am not sure I can handle another boy." I was really fretting over the all of the things that had happened that week. Wouldn't you know it, that sweet little baby in my womb was Anna, a girl:). The next morning it was a whole new story... I wasn't worried at all anymore. My fears had melted away.

That is how it ALWAYS has been for me... worse after midnight... The kids illness seem to get worse during the nights... and my mind is much worse off after midnight... running... thinking...remembering... Now it is still the same, worse after midnight, but unfortunately I can't say that things like the death of your son change just because the sun is up and shining...

A sweet girl from Church sent me a link to this song on video last week and this morning she had this CD for me. So, so sweet of her. The words just spoke to me, I could so relate to the 2nd verse... It was almost as if, she, the singer, had been watching me at night. I also was so touched by the part where it talks about the sweetest voice calling your name. In those rough, rough, night time moments... oh to hear the Lord calling my name.

That has been another new thing for me. I have never really struggled much with my self-esteem... not that I have been full of myself at all, or overly confident... Just confident of who I am in Christ and who He made me to be... no proudness of who I am, but who I am in HIM. I have never been easily swayed by the "in thing" or doing what everyone else is doing. I just never really felt the pressure to conform. Can you tell... I home school, was passionate about "Natural" childbirth, love natural and homeopathic remedies etc. I could go on and on. But losing Samuel has rocked pretty much every part of me. Circumstances surrounding his death, moving to a new city just a couple of months earlier, and peoples reactions to me afterwards... just had me wounded... feeling so worthless. On top of the grief I felt so beaten down... all of me. I know that is something I never would have understood before losing Samuel.

I think that is another reason this song speaks to me. Wow, how I would love to audibly hear that sweet, sweet voice calling out my name. We may never hear that sweet voice call our name, this side of heaven. But to think that the Lord called sweet Samuel's name as he met him last October 29th. "SAMUEL MARK HINTZ, I LOVE YOU, WELCOME HOME. What a beautiful sound... I wish I could have been there to hear it.

Also our Lord to be the only one who has really loved me ALL OF MY LIFE. I know my parents love me, but most likely they will be with our Savior before me... they won't be here to love me then in that part of my life. Greg loves me, but he hasn't known me all of my life. How cool is it that the Lord has known us and the number of our days since before time began. I know I have said it before... but I have needed to be reminded of the Lord's love for me. He loves me regardless of life circumstances or how I feel.

I pray you enjoy the song! Turn up the volume and revel in the Lord's great love and faithfulness to you in the good and rough times!

You're Not Alone
Meredith Andrews

I search for love
When the night came
and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where
I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice
that called my name

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you
all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song
that calls you home

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you
all your life
All your life

Faithful and true...
Forever For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away every fear...
Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights

And I'm the one that's loved you
all your life
All of your life


Tonya said...

I've never heard that song but it's beautiful! Perfect! It spoke to my heart as tonight was "one of those" nights for me - thanks for sharing it!


kim said...

Sara, I love that song! Whenever it comes on the radio I turn it up really loud and sing without abandon.

I really understand what you were saying about how Samuel's loss makes you struggle with your own self esteem. I am a completely different person than I was before the death of Carter, and still am mostly uncomfortable in that new skin. On one hand, I feel stonger and more sure about some of the "big" things in life, but on the other hand, I struggle with the subtleties of life. I can't make small seemingly meaningless decisions without questioning and requestioning, which is so out of character for me.

I often feel so emotionally stretched while trying to balance happiness with saddness, contentment with restlessness, death with life....ahhhh too much to even think about this morning.

What I really entended on saying here is that I am thinking about you today and always. Samuel has an amazing momma who loves him and values him so much. I will never tire of hearing all about him and how much you love him.


Ebe said...

Everything is worse after midnight. I agree whole-heartedly.

I feel the same way about my self esteem. I too struggle with feelings of worthlessness. In the beginning, I couldn't even go out of the house by myself. I felt so vulnerable.

I am praying for you, friend.

I wish there was more that I could do.