All in all it has been a hard week, a real battle daily for me. My mornings are especially hard. This has never been the case in my life before. I am the first to admit that I am not a morning person:) But this is different, from the moment I open up my eyes there is a heaviness in my heart. Right away I remember why it is there. I think many mornings I just wish the last 7 months were a bad dream... I wish I could go back and change the way things happened. But each morning when the reality of losing Samuel is fresh, I am immediately crying out for the Lord to carry me through the day. And by God's grace that is what we are doing, being carried through the day... some days safely cradled in his warmth and care and sometimes just hanging on by my fingernails... but none the less he is carrying me.
We had some wonderful blessings this week. Our elder and his wife from our church came over with a dogwood tree to plant right by Samuel's garden. Oh, it was such a precious gift... something for our area where we can sit, pray, and remember our son. The men planted it, and then we all, including our house guest:) held hands and prayed together. It was beautiful... lots of tears dripping onto the ground from these eyes...Thank you, thank you, thank you Krahns for that incredibly kind gesture... you touched our hearts in a deep place with that special tree. I can't wait to see the blooms on it next Spring.
We had the bible study ladies and their kids over for Bible study. I am so thankful for these women. God has heard many cries on the behalf of many people that I might start building some friendships here. They are blessing me greatly, by asking how I am coping and by being ok with all my tears and struggles... I am so thankful for these ladies.
One other crazy thing happened at church last week, there was a new couple that wanted to meet me. She is a close friend of my college roommate. For 6 years they attended the church that I grew up in. They even remembered my parents. It was like talking to someone who already knew me because she is so familiar with my home. They are currently living in Sweden but when they lived in Wisconsin they were close to all of my old church friends that I grew up with. It was so nice talking with them. They are moving here this summer. We were thrilled to hear that.
The retired pastor's wife is leading the new Beth Moore study on Wednesday nights at church. She is such a gem. She is so on fire for the Lord, His joy just pours out of her. It really is amazing. One of the incredible things that Beth talked about was that she had heard people tell her about really dark despairing times where they could not feel God's presence at all. Does this sound familiar?? She said she always prayed that the Lord will never allow that to happen to her... She said that about a year ago, that she had that feeling for about 6 wks. She said it was one of the hardest times in her life. I could so relate to all that she was saying. She knew He was present just felt so far from him and didn't sense Him at work at all. I am really looking forward to the rest of the study, I have a feeling that there will be a lot that applies to me.
I had the nicest talk with my mother-in-law this week. She is very compassionate and just listened to me and shared how she misses Samuel and when she thinks of him. That made me feel so good. She was telling me that at her work there is a little boy born right around the same time as Samuel. She always looks at him and thinks of what Samuel would be like. Yeah!!! I am not the only one wondering and thinking about how my precious son would have looked. She was making sure that he was included in the updating of the Hintz family reunion book. She will never know how much that meant to me... Some people just have a neat way of letting you know that just because he was born not living doesn't mean he isn't just as much a part of your family forever. She showed me that he matters to the whole family.
I totally was not going to mention this but it kind of relates to what my mother-in-law did with the family reunion book. A few months back a friend at the seminary, who is in charge of all of the baby announcements that get put in the women's newsletter on campus, had emailed me asking if I wanted to put Samuel's announcement in. She said she could write it up or I could. I was sooooooo incredibly touched by that. He was born to us... all 9lb. 2 oz of him:) all 21inches of him:) He was born to us, just like all of the other babies on campus, just because he wasn't alive didn't mean he shouldn't be included. (I am sure that may sound weird to some, or freak some people out to put in a baby announcement for a dead baby... but really come on, if we REALLY value life, that is what it is, a life. From the moment he was conceived a life. All 9 months and 1 day that he grew... a short life, but a life none the less... Ok I will get off my soap box:) It was a wonderful chance to introduce our beautiful son to people on campus and to remind people of how much we appreciate their prayers. Ashley that meant more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for being so thoughtful!
Last night we went to a Christian concert down by the riverwalk. It was a beautiful night. Next Tuesday Christy Nockels is giving a concert. I hope we get a chance to go. She sings the song Grace Flows Down. We had my sister-in-law Katy sign to that song at Samuel's memorial service. It was one of my favorite parts of the service... if you can have a favorite part of your son's memorial service. I clearly felt God's grace during that night. Tonight we had an end of the year soccer party with BIG fireworks, jupiter jumps and free dinner. Yes, mom had the night off, it was great. Jojo was hysterical during the fireworks the poor little guy.
Well, that is all for tonight. Blessings on your weekend!
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted. I remembered you, God and I groaned' I meditated and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked; Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?
Then I thought , To this I will appeal; the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand; I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds. You ways, God are holy. What God is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles. Psalm 77:1-14