Monday, May 18, 2009




I am giving you a fair warning this post is a little all over the place... kind of like my mind:)

We had a pretty uneventful week this week. The kids are finishing up their school work and we did some testing with them. They are really excited to be wrapping things up. We do plan on doing History and Science over the summer just to lighten up the load during the school year. I think it will be a good fit for us... we will need to get out of the heat... us northerners aren't quite used to the Oklahoma summer heat.
I just got a phone call today from a dear friend at the seminary whose college roommate just had a stillbirth at 38 weeks gestation. If you think of it would you please pray for Sherrie, her husband and their 2 little boys as they grieve the death of their sweet daughter Amelia. My heart just goes out to them knowing what they are experiencing right now... but even more so what they will experience over the next months. I have never in my life felt such isolation and despair. I know because we know what the Lord has in store for us for eternity we are not to grieve as ones without hope. I know I have the hope of my salvation... But in the day to day grind of moving forward without one of your children, that time of my salvation coming to fruition for eternity seems so far off. That awesome reunion with my son and of course my Savior seems so far off. Obviously I know it could come at any time... in fact we all know that all too well since losing Samuel... tragic deaths don't just happen to others... we have faced it head on. Louis has made it a part of his prayer each night to ask for the Lord to give us another day to live... if it is His will. I know many probably think 6 months is a long time... that I should be moving on... but really it is still so fresh for me and hearing of Sherrie's situation so similar to mine brings it all flooding back. I am hoping to be able to talk with her or at least email.
I don't know if I ever mentioned my sweet friend Corie from Colorado. She also lost her 5th child, a son, a year ago this past January. I am not even sure how we connected, somehow she came across my blog just weeks after Samuel died. Her son Larson had been with his Savior for about 10 months at that time. She was such a blessing to me. To have someone who REALLY understood what I was thinking, feeling, and dealing with was an incredible gift to me from God.
Well, I did FINALLY sit on my big blue couch. I know that may sound crazy, but I haven't been able to sit on it since October 29th when I was sitting there and the fear of what may have happened with the baby was becoming a reality. So I forced myself to sit there and do my devotions today. Of course I cried the whole time. I have been reading The One Year Book of Hope by Nancie Guthrie. She has lost 2 babies within their first 6 months of their lives. Tough! It is an amazing devotional. It really helps me refocus.
One of the things that I have struggled with has been those times of real despair when Greg and I are praying for relief, peace, comfort, and hope etc. At the same time we know that the devil is attacking at that same time filling my mind with bad thoughts and doubts. I know he is deceiving me during that time. So we also always pray for the Devil to have no power at all in my life, in our family and in our home. There have been times that I have felt NO relief... what is that all about? I know God is present with me in those times but why won't He just send some comfort. I asked my bible study ladies the other week what they thought regarding that. And one wonderful wise lady said that maybe during those times when I don't feel any relief from Him or His presence he is busy fighting off the devil and all his demons that are attacking me.
And let me tell you I KNOW clearly that I have been under attack. I have FELT under attack .
The crazy thing is today in Bible study at church we were studying Hebrews 4. A central focus to the early verses of the Chapter was rest. I have been a Christian my whole life and never before has anyone ever explained to me that there will be times that we may not feel that rest or peace WHEN we call out. God will give it, but in HIS time when He wants to or has planned to and that certainly can be at a different time than what we would prefer. Obviously there are times when His peace does wash over me when I pray for it, and I praise God for those times.
I am not saying this at all about my personal church, but I think churches in general. I think many people come to church and put their "church face" on. Sometimes it seems that there isn't always a real honesty about where people are truly at, what they are struggling with. Wouldn't it be a beautiful thing if we could admit our struggles and then pray and support one another in the struggle, trial, or trouble...not pretend that things are better than they truly are. I wish we could be completely real with one another.
So in Bible Study today, I hate to admit this but my blood was starting to boil. Greg was leading the Bible Study. I just wanted someone to put it out there... There was a lot of talk about if we go to Him we will have rest, the verse Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Many people were saying when you go to him in the hard times He will give you peace, or make it easier. I have experienced the loss of my son, and I know my continual reliance on HIM, but yet I don't always feel peace or the burden being lifted, that is just the reality of it. I have a hard time that no one acknowledges that part of things. I know that God is there and sustaining me, but sometimes there is certainly not relief from the despair. I approached Greg about it, because this has been something we have talked about many times since Samuel died. He said that part of the Bible Study may be covered next week. I am interested to see what everyone has to say about that then.
So when this woman gave me that picture of God literally fighting off the evil one in those times. That made such an impact on me. I have been intrigued with the spiritual side of things and spiritual warfare since I read This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti in high school. It comforts me that during those times when I am under attack to literally visualize God fighting for me. It brought back to mind an awesome human video that I saw on the web a while back. Please take some time to watch it... you might need some kleenex. I love the way they show Jesus going to battle for the girl in the video. That is the same way He fights for us, you and me everyday when we feel under attack and even when we may be unaware of the attack. Praise God for that. That is just AWESOME!
So once again, I know I am not a theologian, just a woman who has lost her son and is traveling that road of grief and recovery with the Lord at my side one step at a time. I pray you are blessed by the video.
You will need to go to the bottom of my page and pause the music player so you can hear the music on the video:) Let me know what you think:)


Pink Slippers said...

and every time it brings tears to my eyes.

Rachel said...

Wow Sara! You wrote about so many things that I'm experiencing, thinking, and feeling. I can't believe there's another mom out there who's lost a baby through stillbirth. I'll be praying for Sherrie too, it makes me so sad when I hear of others going through this. It seems like so many babies are dying - why aren't people more aware???

Paul and I are reading Nancy's "one year book of hope" too!

As for the spiritual warfare and asking God for peace and comfort, some times I wonder if the rest He promises, really won't come until we're with Him. I don't think we can experience true rest until then. We are praying constantly for God to fight for us in our home. We feel a lot of attacks are happening, through illness, dreams, behavior changes. It's so scary, but at least we're aware of the true cause.

I also hate the "church face" thing. I think there are some people though who can be real. And usually they have suffered at some point in there life. But people who haven't experienced true suffering don't "get it".

I am continuing to pray for you, especially as the end of the month approaches. Glad you were able to sit on your couch for the first time.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Great post....I have enjoyed reading your blog tonight. Hope you will visit me...The posts from our most recent "grandparent Disney trip" are beginning, with a look into the eyes of my little guys from this "Grammy"! Also every comment counts as an entry for the May giveaway. (See Monthly Card Box Giveaway"!

nancyguthrie said...

Sara, I'm sad with you over your loss of Samuel. I know the ache is deep and there are so many tears to be cried.

Tonya said...


How did I miss this post before? I don't know, but I found it tonight and that's all that matters. You touched on so many things that I've been thinking, feeling and struggling with. Thank you for your honesty in your feelings! You spoke truth for me too!

I'm so proud of you for sitting on your blue couch today! What a HUGE step!!!

I love the thought of God fighting off Satan. I haven't had peace for such a long time, I've almost forgotten what it is like.

I am so glad to hear that you like Nancy Guthrie's "One Year Book of Hope". I just finished "Holding On To Hope" and it was one of the best books that I've read since Grady died. I saw the one year book too and thought about getting it. Now I'm definitely going to.

Praying for you! And Sherrie. It makes my heart so sad and broken all over again to hear of someone else losing their precious baby.