Friday, May 22, 2009



This week we had the best MEND meeting. That is the infant loss support group that I go to once a month. The last 2 months there have been a lot of new women there... that was so sad. It is amazing even though I only see these ladies once a month the bond that is shared there is incredible. It is a safe place to talk about my sweet Samuel and to hear about their precious children that are no longer here on earth, but still forever on their hearts. We all had an opportunity to share why we were there and what we hope to get out of the meetings. So much of what everyone said I could completely relate to. I just wanted to yell out, "YES, YES, YES!" It is so nice to feel like I can relate to people and they can relate to me and understand my feelings and thoughts. I am so thankful for this group and how it has helped me in the last 7 months. Really, I think it is one of the only places where I feel fully accepted, that people are completely ok with where I am in my grief and that is because they are walking the same path as me, some, the exact same path... full term stillbirth, cord accident. I hate that they have had the same loss, but I am so thankful that we are not alone. I know I am never alone, God is always with me. But losing a child has been one of the most isolating, lonely experiences of my life.
The crazy part of it is, I have felt so alone at times, I think partially because... I hardly recognize myself. Where did the former childbirth instructor, doula, baby lover, passionate about pregnancy person go? The girl who used to get her hands on any baby possible at any time, now can't even think about holding another baby. Just today I was talking with a sweet friend who was saying that she wishes that I could do that in a safe place, hold a baby and just cry if I needed to. Just the thought had me in tears... I know I am in no way ready for that. I was so happy she called to talk, she felt bad for having me in tears... I was so thankful for her giving me the opportunity to talk about Samuel.
You hear so often that time heals all wounds. I have had a few friends recently who have also lost babies say that they don't feel that is the really the case. After time passes you really just become more accustomed to the grief being a part of your life. You don't really get rid of the pain, you just learn how to carry it and live with it. I find that so true. It may lessen in intensity but it will still be there. I will always wish things were different and wish that Samuel was here with us. There are days I feel, as crazy as this may sound, comfortable with the grief that is ever present. It is kind of like a roommate, just there. Then there are days that the same grief is so much more intense and almost suffocating. I am sorry if this sounds like the same story over and over again, like a broken record. I guess I have a lot of the same feelings each day:) One day at a time, with the Lord at my side, that is how I take it.
We also had our parent support group meeting for the adoption agency that we are working with. That is always such an eye opening experience. This agency does all open adoptions. I love going and hearing others stories, it has helped educate Greg and I so much as far as adoption goes and open adoptions. We are actually really excited about it. Open adoption can really be a ministry to the mothers who choose life for their babies and make an adoption plan for their baby. We have a "Waiting Parents Workshop" in June for a few days. I am really looking forward to it. I think we will learn so much more during that time.
Some things are happening in that area of our lives and we are really excited, but at the same time very cautious, hesitant, and have lots of reservations. I don't want to say anything yet, because we haven't told the kids anything at all. We need to get some counsel in that area. I will keep you posted as we keep trusting in God for all of the details in this whole adoption process.
So it will be a busy weekend. We need to get the rest of the plants in the garden... ABSOLUTELY! We need to clean out the garage. ABSOLUTELY! It has been driving me a little batty. This northern girl needs a basement. We have to much stuff and no where to go with it. We have lots of cleaning out to do and rearranging. The kids are begging us to go bowling. We may try to squeeze that in with the girl who is staying with us and her mother. That would be fun, we will see if we can fit it all in. It is sure to be a busy weekend.
Continually trusting in HIM<><


Pink Slippers said...

I wonder if your grief is comfortable to feel because it makes you feel close to Samuel. It was a feeling you had when you last held him. It makes sense, I think(?). You do not sound like a broken record but a normal Mommy who loves a son who is with Jesus. I love hearing about Samuel. And I'm so sorry about new Mommies joining the group because it means they too lost a little one. But, I'm glad you are there for them and them for you. In my prayers.

Casadeboggs said...

Oh Sweet Friend,
I'm so glad you had a nice MEND meeting, I can picture it and feel so blessed to have been a part of your first one. I can imagine that it's just nice to be yourself and share with women who speak from their hearts. We love you all and CANNOT wait to see you next month! Let's try to talk this weekend ~

Tonya said...

I am screaming a "YES! YES! YES!" to everything you've said! I don't know who I am. I can't even look at babies, and the thought of holding one makes me feel like I'm going to have a full-blown panic attack (just like hearing a baby cry does). I was just like you with babies - taught childbirth/breastfeeding classes, was the first to get my hands on a new baby. Ahhhh, it's all so exhausting. I agree with feeling like a broken record, the grief just becoming a part of me... ALL OF IT!!!

I do go to a support group but it is for all perinatal loss, not just stillbirth or full-term loss. There is nothing like MEND or MISS here. There is a SHARE group but it is WAY too far from me (and I already drive 50 miles one way to the group I go to). I am so happy that you have a wonderful group!

Have you read "The Good Grief Club" by Monica Novak? If you haven't I would HIGHLY recommend it! I couldn't put it down and emailed the author by chapter 7 and told her she had described me perfectly! She even emailed me back! The author had a stillbirth herself 10 years ago and took her story and the stories of others from her support group and wrote this excellent book that is true but reads like fiction. Anyway, enough of that....sorry for the rambling. I seem to be good at that lately.

I hope you have a great weekend with your family, planting, bowling, and whatever else might come up. Good luck with the adoption stuff - I can't wait to hear more...

Love and prayers to you,

Ebe said...

Your children are so precious. All of them.
I completely agree about not recognizing myself anymore. I loved, loved, loved babies and kids so much (I still do, but it's so different) before Owen died. Now it just hurts too much to be near them.

Praying for you today,