WHY IS EVERYTHING WORSE AFTER MIDNIGHT?

I remember one summer when I was pregnant with Anna, and Greg had been gone for a couple of weeks on youth trips. I decided to take the 2 boys up to my parents lake home in upper Wisconsin. It was a CRAZY week... It was constant, one thing after another. The first time I talked to Greg I had to explain how Louis has gotten swimmers itch from the lake. He was covered head to toe in little itchy bumps. He was miserable. I had maybe 15 bumps and it was enough to drive me batty, the itchiness. The next time I talked with Greg maybe 2 days later I had to explain that Louis had literally knocked one of his teeth out root and all, after a fall down the wooden steps. And if you know Caleb... constant motion:) Crazy times, but still precious times.

I remember laying in bed that night after the tooth incident and thinking,"Oh Lord, I am not sure I can handle another boy." I was really fretting over the all of the things that had happened that week. Wouldn't you know it, that sweet little baby in my womb was Anna, a girl:). The next morning it was a whole new story... I wasn't worried at all anymore. My fears had melted away.

That is how it ALWAYS has been for me... worse after midnight... The kids illness seem to get worse during the nights... and my mind is much worse off after midnight... running... thinking...remembering... Now it is still the same, worse after midnight, but unfortunately I can't say that things like the death of your son change just because the sun is up and shining...

A sweet girl from Church sent me a link to this song on video last week and this morning she had this CD for me. So, so sweet of her. The words just spoke to me, I could so relate to the 2nd verse... It was almost as if, she, the singer, had been watching me at night. I also was so touched by the part where it talks about the sweetest voice calling your name. In those rough, rough, night time moments... oh to hear the Lord calling my name.


That has been another new thing for me. I have never really struggled much with my self-esteem... not that I have been full of myself at all, or overly confident... Just confident of who I am in Christ and who He made me to be... no proudness of who I am, but who I am in HIM. I have never been easily swayed by the "in thing" or doing what everyone else is doing. I just never really felt the pressure to conform. Can you tell... I home school, was passionate about "Natural" childbirth, love natural and homeopathic remedies etc. I could go on and on. But losing Samuel has rocked pretty much every part of me. Circumstances surrounding his death, moving to a new city just a couple of months earlier, and peoples reactions to me afterwards... just had me wounded... feeling so worthless. On top of the grief I felt so beaten down... all of me. I know that is something I never would have understood before losing Samuel.

I think that is another reason this song speaks to me. Wow, how I would love to audibly hear that sweet, sweet voice calling out my name. We may never hear that sweet voice call our name, this side of heaven. But to think that the Lord called sweet Samuel's name as he met him last October 29th. "SAMUEL MARK HINTZ, I LOVE YOU, WELCOME HOME. What a beautiful sound... I wish I could have been there to hear it.


Also our Lord to be the only one who has really loved me ALL OF MY LIFE. I know my parents love me, but most likely they will be with our Savior before me... they won't be here to love me then in that part of my life. Greg loves me, but he hasn't known me all of my life. How cool is it that the Lord has known us and the number of our days since before time began. I know I have said it before... but I have needed to be reminded of the Lord's love for me. He loves me regardless of life circumstances or how I feel.

I pray you enjoy the song! Turn up the volume and revel in the Lord's great love and faithfulness to you in the good and rough times!





You're Not Alone
Meredith Andrews


I search for love
When the night came
and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where
I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice
that called my name
saying

CHORUS:
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you
all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song
that calls you home
saying

CHORUS:
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you
all your life
All your life

Faithful and true...
Forever For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away every fear...
Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights

And I'm the one that's loved you
all your life
All of your life

BLESSINGS OF THIS WEEK

THE BUNNIES ARE GROWING

All in all it has been a hard week, a real battle daily for me. My mornings are especially hard. This has never been the case in my life before. I am the first to admit that I am not a morning person:) But this is different, from the moment I open up my eyes there is a heaviness in my heart. Right away I remember why it is there. I think many mornings I just wish the last 7 months were a bad dream... I wish I could go back and change the way things happened. But each morning when the reality of losing Samuel is fresh, I am immediately crying out for the Lord to carry me through the day. And by God's grace that is what we are doing, being carried through the day... some days safely cradled in his warmth and care and sometimes just hanging on by my fingernails... but none the less he is carrying me.

We had some wonderful blessings this week. Our elder and his wife from our church came over with a dogwood tree to plant right by Samuel's garden. Oh, it was such a precious gift... something for our area where we can sit, pray, and remember our son. The men planted it, and then we all, including our house guest:) held hands and prayed together. It was beautiful... lots of tears dripping onto the ground from these eyes...Thank you, thank you, thank you Krahns for that incredibly kind gesture... you touched our hearts in a deep place with that special tree. I can't wait to see the blooms on it next Spring.

We had the bible study ladies and their kids over for Bible study. I am so thankful for these women. God has heard many cries on the behalf of many people that I might start building some friendships here. They are blessing me greatly, by asking how I am coping and by being ok with all my tears and struggles... I am so thankful for these ladies.

One other crazy thing happened at church last week, there was a new couple that wanted to meet me. She is a close friend of my college roommate. For 6 years they attended the church that I grew up in. They even remembered my parents. It was like talking to someone who already knew me because she is so familiar with my home. They are currently living in Sweden but when they lived in Wisconsin they were close to all of my old church friends that I grew up with. It was so nice talking with them. They are moving here this summer. We were thrilled to hear that.

The retired pastor's wife is leading the new Beth Moore study on Wednesday nights at church. She is such a gem. She is so on fire for the Lord, His joy just pours out of her. It really is amazing. One of the incredible things that Beth talked about was that she had heard people tell her about really dark despairing times where they could not feel God's presence at all. Does this sound familiar?? She said she always prayed that the Lord will never allow that to happen to her... She said that about a year ago, that she had that feeling for about 6 wks. She said it was one of the hardest times in her life. I could so relate to all that she was saying. She knew He was present just felt so far from him and didn't sense Him at work at all. I am really looking forward to the rest of the study, I have a feeling that there will be a lot that applies to me.

I had the nicest talk with my mother-in-law this week. She is very compassionate and just listened to me and shared how she misses Samuel and when she thinks of him. That made me feel so good. She was telling me that at her work there is a little boy born right around the same time as Samuel. She always looks at him and thinks of what Samuel would be like. Yeah!!! I am not the only one wondering and thinking about how my precious son would have looked. She was making sure that he was included in the updating of the Hintz family reunion book. She will never know how much that meant to me... Some people just have a neat way of letting you know that just because he was born not living doesn't mean he isn't just as much a part of your family forever. She showed me that he matters to the whole family.

I totally was not going to mention this but it kind of relates to what my mother-in-law did with the family reunion book. A few months back a friend at the seminary, who is in charge of all of the baby announcements that get put in the women's newsletter on campus, had emailed me asking if I wanted to put Samuel's announcement in. She said she could write it up or I could. I was sooooooo incredibly touched by that. He was born to us... all 9lb. 2 oz of him:) all 21inches of him:) He was born to us, just like all of the other babies on campus, just because he wasn't alive didn't mean he shouldn't be included. (I am sure that may sound weird to some, or freak some people out to put in a baby announcement for a dead baby... but really come on, if we REALLY value life, that is what it is, a life. From the moment he was conceived a life. All 9 months and 1 day that he grew... a short life, but a life none the less... Ok I will get off my soap box:) It was a wonderful chance to introduce our beautiful son to people on campus and to remind people of how much we appreciate their prayers. Ashley that meant more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for being so thoughtful!

Last night we went to a Christian concert down by the riverwalk. It was a beautiful night. Next Tuesday Christy Nockels is giving a concert. I hope we get a chance to go. She sings the song Grace Flows Down. We had my sister-in-law Katy sign to that song at Samuel's memorial service. It was one of my favorite parts of the service... if you can have a favorite part of your son's memorial service. I clearly felt God's grace during that night. Tonight we had an end of the year soccer party with BIG fireworks, jupiter jumps and free dinner. Yes, mom had the night off, it was great. Jojo was hysterical during the fireworks the poor little guy.

Well, that is all for tonight. Blessings on your weekend!

I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted. I remembered you, God and I groaned' I meditated and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked; Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?

Then I thought , To this I will appeal; the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand; I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds. You ways, God are holy. What God is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles. Psalm 77:1-14

VALIDATION

OH, HOW I LONG TO HOLD THAT SWEET BOY IN MY ARMS AGAIN. I WAS JUST TRYING TO SOAK IN WHAT HIS SOFT SKIN FELT LIKE AGAINST MINE.... I MISS IT SO MUCH!

SAMUEL LOOKED LIKE OUR ANNA...BIG, FULL, ROUND FACE... PRECIOUS! I HAVEN'T POSTED ANY COLOR PICTURES OF HIS FACE CLOSE UP BEFORE. YOU CAN SEE THE BLISTER BY HIS EYES, THAT IS ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS TO HAPPEN WHEN A BABY DIES STILL INT HE WOMB. YOU COULD SEE HIS SWEET SOFT SKIN LOOSENING UP (GUT WRENCHING) AND ACTUALLY IT HAD TORN IN PLACES ON HIS NECK, HANDS, AND TUMMY FROM BIRTH...SO SO HARD THE REALITY OF IT ALL.

SO MANY MONTHS OF WAITING TO SEE WHAT THIS PRECIOUS PUMPKIN LOOKED LIKE...SO LITTLE TIME TO SEAR ALL OF THE DETAILS OF HIS PRECIOUSNESS INTO MY MEMORY.

So it is probably pretty obvious that I am heartbroken today and missing Samuel like crazy. If you are looking for a pick me up, come back another day. If you are looking for honesty, you will get it here. Today I have felt all day that this can not possibly be my life. Today I want to be a hermit. Some days it just hurts too much to put yourself out there. There are TOO many things that set me off. Obviously, I wish it weren't the case but that is the reality of it. There are days that the reality of all of the details, which I haven't posted the half of, all that we went through last October 29th and 30th are all too graphic in my mind. Some days the memories are softer, not quite so brutally ugly. Today isn't one of those softer kind of days... much more vivid.

The time that we spent with Samuel was beautiful, yet traumatic to say the least. Will the pain that goes with seeing your child's lifeless body in your arms ever really lessen? I was so happy to see him after waiting so long. But were we really seeing him as we should have been? He wasn't pink like the rest of my babies. He wasn't breathing or making any noise like the rest of my babies. The silence and stillness of him was heart wrenching. How do see all of that and not let it affect you? How do you allow your other children to see all of that, and not wonder how it might affect them down the road. Who am I kidding, their lives will NEVER be the same either.

I don't know why, but a couple of weeks after we had to pick up Samuel's remains from the funeral home, I wanted to look at them. I was expecting to see about a handful size amount of powder, actually it was what I was told was in there. That isn't at all what I saw. Do you realize what my son's ashes looked like when I saw them? Do you realize I could see pieces of my son's bones in there? Can you imagine? I was horrified and basically freaked the heck out of Greg when I caught him at the computer... I felt like I was suffocating. Another one of my not so shining moments, but real none the less. I think that is something that they should have warned me about. There is a whole lot that they should have warned me about. We almost took them back to the funeral home to see if they could do anything about that, who knows we may still at some point. That is the reality of what goes through my mind... ALL of the memories of my Samuel, the beautiful and the really horrific.

Some days I can focus on and appreciate the beautifulness ( I don't think that is even a word:) of our family time with Samuel, but today just isn't one of them. I feel raw, exposed, pained, and alone. My heart is torn in 2, the longing I have to be with my Savior and son is so strong. And obviously I long to be here with the rest of my family. Why can't the Lord just come back now? That would make it all better. I can accept God's will, but that doens't mean that I have to LIKE it, all the details of it, all of the time.

I think part of the reason I feel so cruddy, is that pretty much daily there are those who will try to fix how I feel. Daily there are those who give excuses for or defend those who say things that are insensitive. I don't at all mean this to sound critical, I understand that things are unintentional, but they affect you none the less. I understand that they have moved on, their life is going on as normal and mine will NEVER be normal in the same sense that it was again. You know when someone says something... complaining maybe about their little one, or when I am in a situation where I can't get away from a crying baby, I would love for someone to say... "That must really stink, that must be really hard to hear other babies cry when you never heard that sweet sound of your baby boy." Yes, that is correct, the crying of a baby is sweet, precious. I remember when Elijah was born and was soooooo fussy, till we found out that he had a wheat sensitivity, my sister-in-law said, "Man how do you handle that all day." Honestly as I held him in my baby pack and carried him around, I hardly heard it. He needed me and I loved it. I could comfort him. I digress...

I completely understand that people don't really understand what might pain a person who has lost a child if they themselves haven't had the same loss. But you know some things to me seem pretty obvious... for example don't complain about your pregnancy to someone who would give anything to be pregnant again, or to someone who is infertile. Don't complain about your beautiful living baby to someone who would just about do any thing to have their baby back in their arms alive or to someone whose baby is terminally ill. Maybe describing someones perfect, wonderful labor could be tough to hear for someone who recently had no choice but to deliver their baby already deceased. Thank God that I pushed for them to try and turn Samuel's body so he would be head down and they could induce me instead of leaving me to go home for up to 2 weeks waiting for his body to turn on its own or go into labor naturally.... Honestly up to 2 weeks with my child already gone inside of me. It is too hard to even think about.

OK, so those are some of the obvious. I realize other things are not at all obvious that could hurt or set me off. For example, just 3 weeks after Samuel died we went up north for Thanksgiving. We did a Sader meal with the kids and all of the cousins. This sweet very knowledgeable man presented it for us. When he held up this little white cloth, he was telling about the symbolism regarding it and how they wrapped up Jesus' body after he died. Now, immediately my mind went to Samuel and how when I handed him over to the nurse the very last time, she carefully wrapped him up in a blanket and put a little sticker on it to kind of keep it closed. She was treating him very respectfully, but it still seemed weird, very out of my body like. Was I really seeing them do that to MY son, and that would that really be it, the last time I would see him this side of heaven? Now I completely get it, that gentleman would have no idea what I was thinking, or what I had just been through.

My point is this, when something really stinks, why not be honest and say that REALLY STINKS. That must be so hard, I can see how that could hurt. That was an insensitive thing to say. Did that bother you? Did you have a hard time with that? My heart is broken with you. The whole situation just rots.

I don't think that validation comes naturally to many. I seriously think that it is a gift for some. When people possess that gift, it is such a huge blessing to the people they interact with on a daily basis. That is all I want many days, just someone to validate my feelings and my son's life.

There are a few people who I have been very blessed with over the last 7 months, a handful, and they are a Godsend. They are ok with where I am at. They don't try to fix the situation or make it go away. They listen, they sympathize, they admit that they really don't understand because they haven't lived it themselves, but in a sense they get it because they get me. And they admit how much they miss Samuel and his presence in our lives, oh how that warms my heart. Someone else hasn't forgotten about him. I am so incredibly thankful for them. Honestly, I am not sure I would have made it through what I have been through with out them. And my fellow mommies who have also had losses at MEND or here in blog land, what a blessing they are. Obviously they just get it, no need to explain, they understand ALL that having a stillborn baby entails, the physical, emotional, the mental, all of it. Dealing with all of it affects you every day.

So there you have it, brutal honestly from a mother missing her son... for almost 7 months. Wow, he would have teeth, be sitting, making so much noise, laughing at his brothers and sister and being smothered in love by them all. And I would have been loving every minute of it. It drives me crazy all the what ifs???? What could have beens??? For Samuel's sake, I am happy for him, for me... today, that is a WHOLE other story.

I'M LETTING YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET:)

OK, I am letting you in on a little secret... I am a total American Idol addict. No, not really an addict, but I love watching it. We don't watch any of the shows of the tryouts. They can just be too brutal and mean. We usually pick up once they get it down to 32 contestants or so. Of course I was sad when Danny Gokey, my fellow Milwaukeean (is that even a word??) and worship leader at his church got kicked off. So when it was down to Adam and Kris Allen, we totally had to pull for Kris. Even though my husband and I both have tatoos:) neither one of us are really rockers... unless of course you are at the Seminary Valentines Dance:) ( I just had to put that one in there for my fellow Sunday night Club ladies and the fond, funny, no crazy, memories of that night, it still makes me laugh when I think about it.)

So on Wednesday when it was revealed that Kris won, the Hintz household was excited. I just found out that Kris too is a worship leader at his church. How cool is that? I am hoping that he can use his new found fame with American Idol to share his faith. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Hmmmm. Any other secrets I can let you in on???

• OK, I also love The Biggest Loser.


• Once I start eating Swedish fish or Dark Chocolate I have a hard time stopping.


• My family thinks I am a bit of a neat freak.


• I can't stand the texture of Oatmeal... unless it is baked.
• I love Chinese food, it is probably my favorite.
• I must love to eat, most of these have been about food:)

Obviously those aren't real interesting secrets... but honestly I don't have too many. I am kind of an open book. Enjoy your Sunday and the video of Kris leading worship at his church.

COULD I LOVE THESE 4 ANY MORE??

THE KIDS ENJOYING OUR BEAUTIFUL WEATHER

This week we had the best MEND meeting. That is the infant loss support group that I go to once a month. The last 2 months there have been a lot of new women there... that was so sad. It is amazing even though I only see these ladies once a month the bond that is shared there is incredible. It is a safe place to talk about my sweet Samuel and to hear about their precious children that are no longer here on earth, but still forever on their hearts. We all had an opportunity to share why we were there and what we hope to get out of the meetings. So much of what everyone said I could completely relate to. I just wanted to yell out, "YES, YES, YES!" It is so nice to feel like I can relate to people and they can relate to me and understand my feelings and thoughts. I am so thankful for this group and how it has helped me in the last 7 months. Really, I think it is one of the only places where I feel fully accepted, that people are completely ok with where I am in my grief and that is because they are walking the same path as me, some, the exact same path... full term stillbirth, cord accident. I hate that they have had the same loss, but I am so thankful that we are not alone. I know I am never alone, God is always with me. But losing a child has been one of the most isolating, lonely experiences of my life.

The crazy part of it is, I have felt so alone at times, I think partially because... I hardly recognize myself. Where did the former childbirth instructor, doula, baby lover, passionate about pregnancy person go? The girl who used to get her hands on any baby possible at any time, now can't even think about holding another baby. Just today I was talking with a sweet friend who was saying that she wishes that I could do that in a safe place, hold a baby and just cry if I needed to. Just the thought had me in tears... I know I am in no way ready for that. I was so happy she called to talk, she felt bad for having me in tears... I was so thankful for her giving me the opportunity to talk about Samuel.

You hear so often that time heals all wounds. I have had a few friends recently who have also lost babies say that they don't feel that is the really the case. After time passes you really just become more accustomed to the grief being a part of your life. You don't really get rid of the pain, you just learn how to carry it and live with it. I find that so true. It may lessen in intensity but it will still be there. I will always wish things were different and wish that Samuel was here with us. There are days I feel, as crazy as this may sound, comfortable with the grief that is ever present. It is kind of like a roommate, just there. Then there are days that the same grief is so much more intense and almost suffocating. I am sorry if this sounds like the same story over and over again, like a broken record. I guess I have a lot of the same feelings each day:) One day at a time, with the Lord at my side, that is how I take it.

We also had our parent support group meeting for the adoption agency that we are working with. That is always such an eye opening experience. This agency does all open adoptions. I love going and hearing others stories, it has helped educate Greg and I so much as far as adoption goes and open adoptions. We are actually really excited about it. Open adoption can really be a ministry to the mothers who choose life for their babies and make an adoption plan for their baby. We have a "Waiting Parents Workshop" in June for a few days. I am really looking forward to it. I think we will learn so much more during that time.

Some things are happening in that area of our lives and we are really excited, but at the same time very cautious, hesitant, and have lots of reservations. I don't want to say anything yet, because we haven't told the kids anything at all. We need to get some counsel in that area. I will keep you posted as we keep trusting in God for all of the details in this whole adoption process.

So it will be a busy weekend. We need to get the rest of the plants in the garden... ABSOLUTELY! We need to clean out the garage. ABSOLUTELY! It has been driving me a little batty. This northern girl needs a basement. We have to much stuff and no where to go with it. We have lots of cleaning out to do and rearranging. The kids are begging us to go bowling. We may try to squeeze that in with the girl who is staying with us and her mother. That would be fun, we will see if we can fit it all in. It is sure to be a busy weekend.

Continually trusting in HIM<><

Sara

BUNNIES, BUBBLES and STRUGGLES

THE 7 BUNNIES ALL SNUGGLED UP... IT TURNS OUT RUNTSY DIDN'T MAKE IT AFTER ALL... THAT WAS SAD FOR THE KIDS WHEN WE BURIED THE LITTLE GUY OUT BACK:(



I JUST LOVE THESE KIDS. THIS WAS THE SCENE AFTER I SAID, "JUST PUT IN A LITTLE BIT OF BUBBLE BATH." IT WAS PRETTY MUCH OVERFLOWING... BUT THE KIDS WERE HAVING A BLAST.

I am giving you a fair warning this post is a little all over the place... kind of like my mind:)

We had a pretty uneventful week this week. The kids are finishing up their school work and we did some testing with them. They are really excited to be wrapping things up. We do plan on doing History and Science over the summer just to lighten up the load during the school year. I think it will be a good fit for us... we will need to get out of the heat... us northerners aren't quite used to the Oklahoma summer heat.

I just got a phone call today from a dear friend at the seminary whose college roommate just had a stillbirth at 38 weeks gestation. If you think of it would you please pray for Sherrie, her husband and their 2 little boys as they grieve the death of their sweet daughter Amelia. My heart just goes out to them knowing what they are experiencing right now... but even more so what they will experience over the next months. I have never in my life felt such isolation and despair. I know because we know what the Lord has in store for us for eternity we are not to grieve as ones without hope. I know I have the hope of my salvation... But in the day to day grind of moving forward without one of your children, that time of my salvation coming to fruition for eternity seems so far off. That awesome reunion with my son and of course my Savior seems so far off. Obviously I know it could come at any time... in fact we all know that all too well since losing Samuel... tragic deaths don't just happen to others... we have faced it head on. Louis has made it a part of his prayer each night to ask for the Lord to give us another day to live... if it is His will. I know many probably think 6 months is a long time... that I should be moving on... but really it is still so fresh for me and hearing of Sherrie's situation so similar to mine brings it all flooding back. I am hoping to be able to talk with her or at least email.

I don't know if I ever mentioned my sweet friend Corie from Colorado. She also lost her 5th child, a son, a year ago this past January. I am not even sure how we connected, somehow she came across my blog just weeks after Samuel died. Her son Larson had been with his Savior for about 10 months at that time. She was such a blessing to me. To have someone who REALLY understood what I was thinking, feeling, and dealing with was an incredible gift to me from God.

Well, I did FINALLY sit on my big blue couch. I know that may sound crazy, but I haven't been able to sit on it since October 29th when I was sitting there and the fear of what may have happened with the baby was becoming a reality. So I forced myself to sit there and do my devotions today. Of course I cried the whole time. I have been reading The One Year Book of Hope by Nancie Guthrie. She has lost 2 babies within their first 6 months of their lives. Tough! It is an amazing devotional. It really helps me refocus.

One of the things that I have struggled with has been those times of real despair when Greg and I are praying for relief, peace, comfort, and hope etc. At the same time we know that the devil is attacking at that same time filling my mind with bad thoughts and doubts. I know he is deceiving me during that time. So we also always pray for the Devil to have no power at all in my life, in our family and in our home. There have been times that I have felt NO relief... what is that all about? I know God is present with me in those times but why won't He just send some comfort. I asked my bible study ladies the other week what they thought regarding that. And one wonderful wise lady said that maybe during those times when I don't feel any relief from Him or His presence he is busy fighting off the devil and all his demons that are attacking me.

And let me tell you I KNOW clearly that I have been under attack. I have FELT under attack .

The crazy thing is today in Bible study at church we were studying Hebrews 4. A central focus to the early verses of the Chapter was rest. I have been a Christian my whole life and never before has anyone ever explained to me that there will be times that we may not feel that rest or peace WHEN we call out. God will give it, but in HIS time when He wants to or has planned to and that certainly can be at a different time than what we would prefer. Obviously there are times when His peace does wash over me when I pray for it, and I praise God for those times.

I am not saying this at all about my personal church, but I think churches in general. I think many people come to church and put their "church face" on. Sometimes it seems that there isn't always a real honesty about where people are truly at, what they are struggling with. Wouldn't it be a beautiful thing if we could admit our struggles and then pray and support one another in the struggle, trial, or trouble...not pretend that things are better than they truly are. I wish we could be completely real with one another.

So in Bible Study today, I hate to admit this but my blood was starting to boil. Greg was leading the Bible Study. I just wanted someone to put it out there... There was a lot of talk about if we go to Him we will have rest, the verse Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Many people were saying when you go to him in the hard times He will give you peace, or make it easier. I have experienced the loss of my son, and I know my continual reliance on HIM, but yet I don't always feel peace or the burden being lifted, that is just the reality of it. I have a hard time that no one acknowledges that part of things. I know that God is there and sustaining me, but sometimes there is certainly not relief from the despair. I approached Greg about it, because this has been something we have talked about many times since Samuel died. He said that part of the Bible Study may be covered next week. I am interested to see what everyone has to say about that then.

So when this woman gave me that picture of God literally fighting off the evil one in those times. That made such an impact on me. I have been intrigued with the spiritual side of things and spiritual warfare since I read This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti in high school. It comforts me that during those times when I am under attack to literally visualize God fighting for me. It brought back to mind an awesome human video that I saw on the web a while back. Please take some time to watch it... you might need some kleenex. I love the way they show Jesus going to battle for the girl in the video. That is the same way He fights for us, you and me everyday when we feel under attack and even when we may be unaware of the attack. Praise God for that. That is just AWESOME!

So once again, I know I am not a theologian, just a woman who has lost her son and is traveling that road of grief and recovery with the Lord at my side one step at a time. I pray you are blessed by the video.

You will need to go to the bottom of my page and pause the music player so you can hear the music on the video:) Let me know what you think:)

HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY CALEB... a few days late:)

I JUST LOVED MY DARK SKINNED, DARK HAIRED BABY BOY

CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HAPPY CALEB WAS TO HAVE BABY ANNA HERE? HE WAS SITTING IN THE BACK JUST GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

SORRY, I AM NOT THE MOST COMPUTER SAVVY PERSON, I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO POST A CROPPED PHOTO WITHOUT GETTING ALL THE WHITE ON THERE TOO:)

I LOVE THIS PICTURE MY FRIEND BECKY GAVE ME OF CALEB AND I AT CICI'S . I HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE TAKING THE PICTURE. BUT IT CLEARLY CAUGHT THE FACT THAT CALEB IS CONSTANTLY SAYING THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SMILE OR LAUGH. LAST YEAR AT THE SEMINARY, WE ATE THERE LOTS OF WEDNESDAYS WITH BECKY'S FAMILY AND THEIR 6 KIDS...KIDS EAT FREE ON WEDNESDAYS:)

THIS IS TOTALLY CALEB...CONSTANTLY IN MOTION. A FEW WEEKS AGO WHEN I WENT OUT FOR A RUN, I TOLD CALEB HE NEEDED TO READ TO ANNA AND JO. WHEN I CAME HOME THERE HE WAS LITERALLY READING ON THE TRAMP WHILE THEY WERE ALL JUMPING.

I AM NOT SURE IF YOU CAN SEE CALEB'S BIRTHMARK ON HIS FACE. IT PRETTY MUCH COVERS 1/2 OF ONE SIDE. CALEB HAS SUCH A SWEET SPIRIT, IT HAS NEVER BOTHERED HIM. ONE DAY AT THE SEMINARY A KID TOLD HIM THAT HE LOOKED LIKE AN OREO. CALEB JUST LAUGHED. THE OTHER DAY I TOLD HIM THAT WHEN I LOOK AT HIM, I DON'T EVEN SEE IT. THE BIGGEST SMILE CAME ACROSS HIS FACE.

I cant believe my second born is 10. Like I said above Caleb is constantly in motion. We have always called him the "TEXAS TORNADO" He is all boy and loves most sports. The poor boy tends to leave a path of destruction around the house... he just can't help it, he is always moving and knocking things over. He has grown so much, he realized his lack of self-control and asked to have that put on the family prayer board for over a year. He is hilarious and very kind hearted. He is a baby lover and a great big brother. He is not the most emotional kid, but when he is hurting, he is REALLY hurting, and you can just see it eating him up on the inside. He is very self-motivated and a hard worker. He is amazing with Math problems... he can do things in his head that there is NO WAY I could figure out. He cracks us all up.

We are so blessed to have this little guy as a part of our family. We thank God for giving us the precious gift of Caleb.

MOTHER'S DAY

Precious Mother's Day card from my sweet friend Heather

A precious gift from Jolene at our church

Mother's Day 2009 is one I probably won't forget... my first Mother's Day not having all of my kids with me... this side of Heaven. God was gracious today and it was actually better than I was anticipating. Of course there were tears shed... but He sustained me. There are so many women I have met through the Internet that have also lost children. My heart aches for them today, especially the moms that don't have any living children here with them. I feel for those moms who have maybe lost babies to miscarriage or stillbirth who arms are still empty. Those moms don't look like moms from the outside... but if we truly believe life begins at conception, which I do, then they are still mothers in every sense of the word. This year my eyes have been opened in a new way to the hurt that many feel on Mother's Day. What about those women who have tried for years to become a mother and still they wait. I have been praying for them all today.

We had a nice family day. We had to run some errands for Caleb's birthday tomorrow. He gets to be King For the Day, and pick all of the meals so I needed to pick up a few things. We had a nice lunch out, that was a treat. And my sweet hubby made dinner, another treat. We took a nice walk and watched a movie together, all in all it was a really nice day.

My sweet Northern friend Heather sent me the card above. Wow, it was so nice to have people mention Samuel today. Of course He was on my mind all day. But it was nice to know others remembered him. There was a beautiful verse on the inside of the card reminding me that in the future there will be a time when all the tears are wiped from our eyes. Praise God for that... I long for that day...Could it be today? Could He come back today? Wouldn't that be amazing?

A sweet lady from our church had a necklace made for me. You can't really see how beautiful it is in the picture above. I absolutely love it. It has Samuel's name and heaven going date on it. On the left there are 2 hearts to represent Greg and I and on the right side 4 hearts to represent Samuel's 4 siblings. I just love that it hangs close to my heart and includes our WHOLE family. Then there was a bible verse etched on the back and the last part of the verse on the front. It is beautiful and it meant so much to me to have her bless me with this precious gift on Mother's Day. This is the verse that is printed on the pendant...

For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

That is something that I continually need to remind myself of, God's great love for me. When you feel like you have had the rug pulled out from under you, you need the constant reminders of Who God is and His character. I don't think it is at all a matter of faith it is more like taking captive every thought and making it obedient to Christ.

She also had the reference to Habakkuk 3:17-19 engraved on the pendant. We had this verse at Samuel's Memorial service. I love it, it really depicts the heart of how I feel.

Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls. Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my Salvation. The Lord God is my strength. Habakkuk 3:17-19

BABY BUNNIES

JOJO SNUGGLIN UNDER HIS SAMUEL BLANKET... THANKS MISS MARGIE

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE SIZE DIFFERNCE BETWEEN ROMEO AND RUNTSY... OBVIOUSLY HE IS THE RUNT OF THE LITTER... WE ARE HOPING HE MAKES IT. HE SEEMS FINE SO FAR:)

When we moved here we kind of wanted to live the farm life with animals, land, etc. Well we really didn't get all of that, but we have a sweet family from church that hooked us up with the pregnant rabbit, gives us fresh farm eggs, and recently invited us to come out and kill and dress the chickens. YIKES! How is that for a homeschool project? There is no way I will be able to do it, but the kids are excited about it. I am glad they get to experience the fun things about life on a farm and they are learning a lot:)

Well, everything is going well with the young girl living with us. She wants me to go to her ultrasound with her. The old me would have jumped at the chance... the new me isn't sure I could handle it. How do I explain that to a 15 year old? There is such a tangled web of emotions for me. Sometimes I think how did this happen that we have her living with us. For some reason we just felt the Lord telling us we should do it. I can't explain it. I know it makes no sense. I have a hard time around most pregnant ladies and now I have one living with me. But for some reason that hasn't been too bad. Maybe I can handle it now because she isn't showing much yet and maybe it is because she is in a crisis pregnancy. She seems to understand our grief over Samuel so that has been good. I really want to be there for her. We are having lots of great conversations. Today JOJO overhead her say that she doesn't have any friends... and he said, "Will you be my friend? Precious. I pray God is using us in her life.

Well, I am off to an overnight retreat. I will treasure the time to get away and hopefully be refreshed a bit. The speaker is actually one of the Professor's wives from the seminary. She was a HUGE mentor to me and the other sem. wives when we were there. Boy have I missed her. We were able to talk yesterday on the phone but I can't wait to get a hug from her. I will never forget her coming to my apartment last year at the sem. while we were getting checked out. After the housing guy left, she gave me a sweet gift and we just cried and prayed together. I knew how much I would miss her, my wonderful friends, and the whole seminary community.

I haven't slept well this week so we will see how that goes. I used to be able to sleep anywhere... now I NEED to be snuggled up to my man. I am not sure my friend Lula will appreciate that:)

Praying you all have a blessed Friday!

THE BALL OF YARN

PURE BOY... PURE RASCAL

I THINK WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH RAIN:)

It has been raining almost non-stop here in Oklahoma. And as you can see in the photos above the kids LOVE playing in it. They came in that day after playing in all of the puddles in the yard smelling like swamp monsters... Ick. They hit the tubs and got in their jammies right away. The weather was starting to make me a little stir crazy and weary. Usually weather doesn't affect me but these days early in the morning I am ready to raise the blinds and let some sun shine in. Praise God, today was the first day in a long while that the sun was shining again.

This morning we awoke to 8-9 new baby bunnies. There were so many and they were wiggling around so much that we kind of lost count. We didn't want to mess with them too much so we will have to recount in a couple of days. They are hairless, tiny and just precious. We knew the mama would have them anyday so the kids were just a buzz about it. They were so excited. I will try to post a picture of them in the next few days.

My new friend Tonya at http://www.tonyatalk.blogspot.com/ had a great post the other day that I just have to tell you about. It was all about a ball of yarn. She too lost her little boy Grady, also a full term still birth, very similar to Samuel.

Every day is such a learning experience for me. How do you go on with the mundane, trivial things in life after you have had such a tragedy occur. How do you practically hear and handle all of the things that people say to you? I don't think that people can understand the depth of the loss of an unborn child. I have had so many people say, "It is so nice that you have your 4 other children." I feel so tremendously blessed by God to have my other children, but I still lost a son, having other children doesn't take that pain away at all. I have told people in a loving way... you have 2 arms and 2 legs, if you lost a leg, would you miss it? Would it hurt? Would you want it back? That is how it is, it doesn't matter that I have 4 living children, there is still a piece of our family missing.

People have also said, "Thank goodness it happened now and not when he was 3 months or 3 years." I now know, I can never judge if someones loss is more significant than another... they are just different, not necessarily more or less difficult. Other's have said, "Maybe God was sparing him from something in his future." " God has a reason and He will work good from it." The hard thing is although that is true, when you are fresh on the heels of a tragic loss, no good thing really seems worth it. You just want your baby back.

OK, back to the ball of yarn and Tonya's post. She was at a bereavement conference. They got in a circle with 6-7 people and passed a ball of yarn around. Whenever the ball came to you, you needed to hold on to that spot in the ball of yarn and say one way that you bonded with your baby before it was born. Then you passed the ball on. There are so many ways that you bond with that child, especially for the mother carrying him/her... hearing the heartbeat, seeing an ultrasound, baby showers, feeling the baby kick or wiggle around inside of you, praying for that baby, feeling hiccups, making purchases for the baby, picking out names, singing or talking to the baby, planning for the future you will have with that child... you get it, the list could go on and on. So the ball of yarn goes back and forth between all of the people. Then they had to raise their arms and see the web of yarn from the underside. It looked pretty neat. Then they had to drop the yarn all at once. What was on the floor was a big jumbled mess, just like grief. It was then explained that this is what someones life is like when they lose a child, even before birth. This is the mess they need to unravel.

They then had to try to wind the yarn back up. Some of it would go together really nicely but there were places where there were knots that needed to be worked through more carefully. You see that tangled yarn is kind of how I feel on the inside. Many may think that I didn't really even get to know Samuel since he died in the womb. That couldn't be further from the truth. I carried that sweet baby boy for 40+ weeks and I knew him well, his movements well. He is my son, a part of me and my sweet husband. So even though some days or some memories might be more easy to work through there will be many rough spots, or knots that need to be worked through more carefully and that will require more energy and time.

I thought that was the perfect word picture for how ones life is after a loss. Sometimes it is really messy, sometimes it is much smoother. This is quite a process. Isn't it great that God can be a part of the process? For me, He really IS the process. I have no other choice but to trust him for the future. We are a work in progress, he is continually growing, changing and molding us... and sometimes that feels good and sometimes it hurts something fierce. I am just glad I don't have to make it through alone.

The Elephant in the Room

I got this poem from my sweet friend Shiela at church. She said she thought of me when she read it.

It is amazing to me how people can avoid the obvious... very obvious. I understand why they do it, they are uncomfortable. But if only they could see into the heart and soul of one who has lost and see the deep pain, that has made its home there. Do they have any idea how uncomfortable that is? Do they even recognize me when I can hardly recognize myself at times?

I was trying to tell one of my brothers about this elephant in the room feeling. I told him how I saw a neighbor the day after I had Samuel. I had just seen her 3 days before.... hugely pregnant, we talked all about the baby coming any time. I sent Greg out shortly after we got home from the hospital, literally 2 hours after we said goodbye to our son, to tell the neighbors what had happened. I didn't want to see them a couple of weeks later and have them ask how the baby was and then have to explain over and over again to each neighbor what had happened. I just couldn't do it. (I did have to do it once when a neighbors mom saw me running about 6 weeks after Samuel was born... poor lady, I just broke down in her arms telling her what had happened) Anyways... I digress... this women didn't say a word to me about what had happened... my missing belly, my empty arms. She was talking about getting out her Christmas decorations. WHAT???? She knew, Greg had just spoke with her the day before. I just wanted to yell, "I just delivered my stillborn son yesterday. My son is dead. Yesterday I had that sweet boys body in my arms even though his spirit was gone. Do you realize what has happened to me in the last 48 hours?" I didn't say any of that of course:) It was the strangest feeling, to have the obvious ignored. That was just the start of it... I don't know if I will ever get used to it, but it has happened over and over again.

I was trying to get my brother to understand this feeling. It would be like you are at work or church like normal. You are going about your normal routine there and everyone is happy to talk to you, hang out with you, making plans with you etc. That same evening you get in a car accident that leaves you battered and bruised and in a wheel chair. The next week when you show up at work or church in the wheelchair... no one even mentions it. It is like they don't see the wheelchair, your bandages, bruises or you... They don't bring up the accident or your condition. Wouldn't it be strange if no one said anything about any of it???

Please know I am not pointing fingers at all. I get it. I do forgive people for not knowing how to approach the subject of my son's premature death. (I guess it really wasn't premature to God... He knew the exact # of days he would live... but it was a little, a lot premature to me:) It was so sweet tonight during our family prayers Caleb thanked God for giving us 9 months and 1 day with Samuel. You could hear in his voice how much he treasured that time with Samuel.

We have had a really rough week. But you know I am thankful that the Lord KNOWS exactly what I am thinking. He knows every intricate detailed part of my son. He created him in my womb. My son is in His presence. How I wish I could be there too:) Someday.... He is not uncomfortable with me, my tears or my loss, He wants to hear all about it. He has got to be getting tired of hearing from me:) But let me tell you there is great comfort in the fact that he never tires:)

Here is the poem:

The Elephant in the Room (by Terry Kettering)
There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you?" And, "I'm fine:...
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else---
except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.


But we do not talk bout the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say his name.
Oh, please, say "Samuel" again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about his death, perhaps we can talk about his life?
Can I say "Samuel" to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me
Alone...
In a room...
With an elephant.



Have I ever told you hearing Samuel's name is like music to my ears:)
Samuel, Samuel, sweet precious Samuel!! :)