WHERE I AM AT THESE DAYS....

I just can not get over his round cheeks, precious little lips and his sweet sweet face. Man, how God created him... it just doesn't seem possible that he wasn't meant to stay on this earth longer for us to enjoy:)

I mentioned back a bit that I was on the Advisory Board for MEND, my infant loss support group. We are having our fundraising Bunco Bash in about 2 1/2 weeks. So we have been trying to get donations of prizes from different restaurants,, stores etc... I know this may sound crazy... but I have actually enjoyed it... and I think the reason is that I have been able to tell Samuel's story over and over and over again... Of course with that sometimes comes some awkwardness but also with it has come many loving replies, even some sharing their own stories of their daughter's stillbirth 13 years ago... still hurting this long after... I TOTALLY get that.

I am so very thankful for the healing that the Lord has done in my heart. Honestly if I look back to a year ago... anticipating Samuel's first birthday in Heaven... my heart hurt constantly... truly constantly, there was just pain in my chest continually. Some say the 2nd year is harder after a loss because the fog is gone. Thank God that hasn't been the case for me... but let me tell you I grieved so deeply and intensely that first year, I think I did exactly what the Lord's plan for my grief journey was. And oh... my .... did it hurt, like crazy hurt I never knew was possible. Now as I think of meeting my precious little boy 22 mos. ago, my heart is filled with many different emotions. ( I am sure some think it is crazy that I am still posting about him... but that precious Samuel was a LIFE CHANGER for me, and of course I would still post about something so HUGE in my life)

Tonight when I was going for a walk with Jojo and Hope, Jojo said, "Mama, I miss Samuel." I asked him, if he thought about him sometimes. His response was, "All the time mommy, you can't see it on the outside of me, on my skin, but on the inside, my heart is really sad." I could not believe it... I thought that was pretty deep and insightful for a 5 year old... and it made my heart really hurt for him. I have to tell you that when I shared that story with Greg when we went for a walk later... I got complete silence as my reply... I had to ask if he heard me. He of course said yes, and I replied with, aaaannnnddd? I don't think he appreciated that real much... and I am sure the neighbor had to wonder as he was having a cigarette why we were were walking in the pitch dark and I was crying and saying, " Please, it isn't over for me yet, I need to know that he still matters to you, I need to know if you think of him." Let me tell you even now, almost 2 years later it is not easy to navigate the roads of grief with your spouse when you grieve so incredibly differently.

So 2 years later... my hope has always been for the day that I can remember my son with joy... and I can say that there are times that I do remember him with happiness in my heart, just love for him. But I have to be honest in saying that there are also times that the waves of grief hit me just as hard as if it happened last week. The questions still come. The tears still come easily. The pain is just as intense and deep and crushing. I am sometimes shocked by that... that it can truly hurt just like it did almost 2 years ago... but the truth is, it does. Praise God that those times don't last as long... like days and weeks like they used to... but maybe hours. It is strange but sometimes I almost welcome those times... As bizarre as it sounds I love thinking on my son.... remembering my 5 hours with him outside of me... but it hurts that is for-sure.

Even this past weekend I was overcome numerous time by the grace of God. At one point at the Women of Faith Conference we were singing a Chris Tomlin song... Sing Sing Sing, Make Music With The Heavens... it just hit me... I am singing, praising God with all of Heaven including my son. Man, can I tell you, that I just can't wait to do it in person with him:) I was over an over again so grateful to be able to look back on the very worst and thank God that He helped me survive that. Really sometimes when I am brought back to the worst, I can't even believe the details, the trauma of it all really happened to us. I know we have survived the worst of it and can even look back with joy but it is still hard... the Grief journey is hard no matter how you cut it! My deepest desire is still that the Lord would use the precious, all too short, (in my eyes:) life of my Samuel to touch others with HIS love.

It is a constant surrendering to the Lord's plan for me... is there great joy? Yes... we feel so blessed to have this new little one on the way... and so blessed that Hope is finally ours forever. But that does not take away the hurt that is still there for Samuel. Just because there has been some great things happening for us... those painful places in our hearts still exist. It is a delicate dance between grief or sorrow and joy. There are certainly more joy filled moments in our days than there used to be, but Samuel is NEVER far from my mind. And sometimes I can't help but get a little mad that people don't get that, understand that, or you can tell from their expressions that they think there is something not normal with you. Yeah, I guess it isn't normal to have your baby die inside of you... but the grieving for as long as it takes is normal.

So I guess these days, as I look to 2 years... 2 whole year with out my son on earth with me... my missing is growing... I just miss him being here with us as we had hoped and all that would mean for our lives... Jojo would have a almost 2 year old brother to romp around with, not sadness on the inside. I miss my old life.... I miss the relationships I used to have with some people... I miss it all. Knowing all I had with him was that short time... I miss not being able to smell him, feel his fuzzy hair on his cheeks... miss seeing him run on those crooked toes he had (just like his papa).

But I guess, the one good thing is that I am almost 2 years closer to seeing him again... and spending eternity with my Savior and our whole family together... Oh how I long for that day...

I have so much to share about how this new pregnancy is going and my feelings that are swirling around because of that:) I will try to post soon about that... but I didn't want to get to long winded.

MORE OF UP NORTH...

ALL MY SIBLINGS, THEIR SPOUSES, KIDS, AND MY PARENTS.

THIS IS WHAT WE REALLY LOOK LIKE MOST OF THE TIME...

My brother and sister in law have this beautiful out door porch where we visited and sipped lemonade... It is truly like right out of a magazine. Aren't this jar candles cool? I just love them. My sister in law is one talented decorator... I can't tell you how many times we have said, "Man, I wish Katy were here to tell us what to do in this room." Her whole house is like walking into Country Living magazine... but truly she is frugal too... she will garbage pick something, paint it, and it looks amazing:)

Jojo and the Goats.

I just had an amazing weekend at the Women of Faith Conference... Wow, they have some of the greatest speakers... so funny and witty, yet really touched my heart. It was a total blessing to me. Par for the course we had a bought of the stomach flu at home while I was gone... that happened the last time I was at a conference in Dallas. Poor Greg... but they all did great and it was very short lived, Praise God!

I will say, I so wish MaryBeth Chapman would have been speaking at this one too, but she is on the other Women of Faith tour... Maybe next year... we will see:) Well, It was an absolutely crazy week, and I am whipped so I best be getting myself to bed...

By the way, I did get another glimpse of the "wee one" this past Thursday and he/she looked great... precious little heart pumping away... Honestly, I still can't believe this is really happening:)

FINALLY, UP NORTH PHOTOS

Here is a picture of all the cousins on Sunday night before we left on Monday morning. It was sort of a throw it together sort of gathering at my parents house. We literally had maybe 2 hours with all of us there. That hasn't happened in over 2 years. It was really nice... but I do have to admit that my heart was a bit sore, that is the only way I can describe it. I can't tell you how many times I heard that night, "Wow, we are all together... everyone is here." I know others don't think twice about a comment like that. I would never hold it against anyone, but I do hear it differently for-sure. Over and over that night, my heart just broke in two...knowing my son was missing... never would be part of the big family get togethers... never would get to play with his 2 boy cousins born with in a year of his death. At the same time it was really nice, just a bit bitter sweet for me. It is funny all the situations that used to be perfectly easy and wonderful, are now wonderful... just difficult at the same time. It was fun to see the cousins together and be with my siblings and their spouses. And praise God I remember having a really good laugh in the kitchen after dinner... a truly gut level laugh and it felt good...
I just had to laugh at the tube's name... BIG MABLE. I think that is hilarious. The kids had a blast riding on it at the cabin. We were really fortunate to spend a day with my brother and sister in law Katy up there. And they left Ella and Grace with us for the week so the kids had a ball together. It is absolutely one of the nicest places to vacation ever. We were so blessed to be able to finally get back up there after 2 years. There is something so special about the north woods. Unfortunately a lot of my pictures from up there didn't save on my memory card. I had a great one with my parents and the kids that was lost. Big bummer.

We had not met my nephew Elias until this trip. We just laughed... the kids thought he looked like Hansel from Hansel and Gretel... he really kind of did... such a precious little guy. The kids loved getting to play with Will and SaraBeth too:)

Jo and Will by the chicken coop. My parents live on a big plot of land with my two older brothers and their families. It is a great place to run around and explore as well as see all kind of wild life and great pets including, horses, chickens, goats, llamas, cats and dogs...

Anna and her two cousins, Isabella and Sara Beth... we like to call Isabella, Gretel:) She is the most precious petite thing ever.

I was so thankful that my little sister Beth's family was able to come over from Boston. I hadn't seen her since when she came out for Samuel's memorial service. Wow, my sister has put up with many a depressing conversation over the last almost 2 years. Really, we have always been close, but she was incredibly gracious to truly be there for me... way more so than I would have ever imagined . She would just listen over the phone, cry with me, let me be right where I was at (whether that was in a place of total anger, complete despair, loneliness, emptiness...all of it) and the crazy thing was she would always call back and do it all over again the next week if need be. I cry just sitting here thinking about it. She was incredibly patient and understanding with me through her pregnancy with Elias. As much as in my heart I wanted to be more a part of it... I just couldn't, it was too hard... my wound was still too fresh just 4 months after Samuel's death and she was fine with that. Really there are times, that I still wonder how we navigated that... God was gracious that is for sure.

Anyways, I love my sister Beth, and am so thankful that God gave her to me. It makes my heart leap for joy that Anna now has a sister to grow up with. Of course I don't think I have any pictures of us together except for the big family picture, I will try to post tomorrow. I am glad I finally got these pictures posted... but there are a couple more I will try to get to soon.

UPDATE ON HOPE'S FINALIZATION

IT WAS A GREAT DAY... WE STAYED THE NIGHT IN A HOTEL NEAR WHERE WE NEEDED TO FINALIZE. WE JUST KNEW THAT TO GET ALL OF US THERE ON TIME, WE WOULD HAVE HAD TO LEAVE BY ABOUT 5:30 THIS MORNING... THAT JUST WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. OF COURSE FOR US WITH THE KIDS THINGS NEVER GO OFF WITH OUT A HITCH...

ANNA WAS FREAKED OUT BY THE PITCH BLACK ELEVATOR AT THE HOTEL. (IT WAS A LITTLE SPOOKY:)

WE GOT SOME GREAT LAUGHS OVER THE "SQUEAKIEST BED IN THE WORLD" THAT ANNA AND I WERE SHARING... OH... MY... GOODNESS... YOU COULD BARELY BREATHE WITH OUT IT MAKING TONS OF NOISE:)

AND THIS MORNING WHEN GREG WENT TO GET DRESSED... HE WAS MISSING HIS PANTS... YOU KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO SHOW UP BEFORE THE JUDGE LOOKING SLOPPY... SO WE WERE A BIT PANICKED.... WE WERE IN A TOTALLY UNFAMILIAR AREA AND HAD NO IDEA WHERE TO FIND A 24 HOURS STORE TO FIND SOMETHING BEFORE OUR HEARING AT 9 AM. WE WERE RUSHING TO GET EVERYONE READY.

WELL, PRAISE GOD I TOLD GREG TO CHECK THE COUCH IN THE HOTEL LOBBY. WE HAD PUT THE PILE OF CLOTHES THERE LATE LAST NIGHT WHEN WE ARRIVED... AND THANK GOD, THERE THEY WERE.

BUT BESIDES THAT, IT ALL WENT OFF WITH OUT A HITCH. WE BASICALLY JUST HAD TO AGREE TO TAKE CARE OF THIS SWEET LITTLE GIRL THROUGH ALL THE GOOD AND BAD OF LIFE. WE WERE THRILLED TO AGREE TO IT ALL:)

HERE IS CALEB HITTING THE GAVEL TO MAKE HOPE OFFICIALLY A PART OF THE FAMILY... THE JUDGE WAS REALLY NICE AND EVEN LET THE LITTLER ONES STAND RIGHT BY HIM SO THEY COULD GET A GOOD VIEW:)

THIS IS DIERDRE THE DIRECTOR OF THE AGENCY THAT WE GOT HOPE THROUGH... SHE IS AMAZING... SUCH A SWEET, SWEET LADY, WHO HAS BEEN SUPER PROFESSIONAL, YET INCREDIBLY SUPPORTIVE OVER THE LAST 8 MONTHS. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW OFTEN SHE WOULD EMAIL ME AND REMIND THAT THEY WERE PRAYING FOR OUR FAMILY AND HOPE THROUGH THIS ALL.


WE JUST LOVE HER AND ARE SO THANKFUL FOR HER.




THE WHOLE CREW INCLUDING DIERDRE AND OUR LAWYER AFTER THE FINALIZATION.

HERE IS ANNA... JUST OVER THE MOON THAT SHE ACTUALLY FINALLY HAS A SISTER!!

REALLY WE ARE ALL THRILLED TO FINALLY HAVE THIS DAY BE HERE.

WE ARE SO BLESSED TO HAVE HER IN OUR LIFE:)

YAY GOD... FOR YOUR GOOD WORK IN GROWING HOPE IN HER BIRTH MOM'S WOMB, AND ALLOWING HER TO GIVE OUR SWEET, PRECIOUS DAUGHTER THE GIFT OF LIFE.

YAY GOD... FOR MAKING HOPE A HINTZ FOREVER!

FOR YOU FORMED MY INWARD PARTS, YOU KNITTED ME TOGETHER IN MY MOTHER'S WOMB. I PRAISE YOU FOR I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. WONDERFUL ARE YOUR WORKS, MY SOUL KNOWS IT VERY WELL.

PSALM 139:13-14

IT'S OFFICIAL, SHE IS FINALLY A HINTZ

IT IS FINALLY OFFICIAL... THIS SWEET LITTLE PUMPKIN IS FINALLY AT HOME FOREVER WITH US!

SWEET BABY GIRL IS NOW OFFICIALLY HOPE JUBILEE MARIE HINTZ...

AND WE ARE SO VERY GRATEFUL TO GOD FOR ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN...

FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS OVER THE LAST 8 MONTHS OF UNKNOWNS...

FOR AN AMAZING AGENCY WHO WAS SO INCREDIBLY SUPPORTIVE THROUGH IT ALL:)

I WILL TRY TO UPDATE LATER WITH SOME MORE DETAILS AND PICTURES:)

SOON TO BE SISTERS:)

I woke up this morning to the older of these 2 little beauties in bed with me... I could hear her over and over again saying, "Yes...yes... yes... Yes...YES!" I said, "What are you talking about?" She replied by saying... , "Yes, really soon I really will have a REAL SISTER!"

As long as all goes as planned... we have a court date to finalize our adoption with sweet baby girl this coming Monday. We are praying that there won't be any glitches...and the agency, and our lawyer do not expect any at all:)

We were hoping to get together with sweet baby girl's birth mother at the agency after we finalize, but now that isn't going to work out. She did want to see us all again and I can't wait to really tell her how much we appreciate her and her gift to us. When we first met her, we didn't really know if we would get to keep sweet baby girl, but she knew that she was in our care and wanted to meet us. Now we will be able to tell her how much we admire her for her love of sweet baby girl and her sacrifice. Hopefully that will get arranged soon:)

We will be so thankful to finally make this little pumpkin an "official" Hintz... Yay God for working this all out in the way that He did... we are so thankful to HIM.

OVERCOME...

HERE IS THE NEWEST LITTLE HINTZ FAMILY ADDITION... YEAH... I KNOW IT ISN'T THE CLEAREST PICTURE... BUT THIS WAS AN AMAZING SIGHT FOR THIS MOM AND DAD'S EYES!

Today I was totally overcome with gratefulness when we saw ONE beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. (Don't get me wrong, I would have totally been grateful with 2 or 3 heartbeats:) I was overcome with gratefulness to God that He has allowed this to actually happen... we gave these babies a chance at life ... and it worked... It was ALL HIS work... every single bit of it:)

Today on my drive home from the ultrasound I was totally overcome with tears of gratefulness for our embryo donor! I just am amazed that she would bless us in such a way... with such an incredible gift... LIFE! I am completely humbled and truly feel pretty unworthy of such an awesome gift.

The Doctor (whom I love by the way, who also himself has lost a child, but his child was 18 I believe... He gets the grief, loss experience first hand which I really appreciate as we move forward with this pregnancy) was great as usual. The first time I met him, I called Greg after the visit and said, "I really hope I get pregnant so that we can actually use this guy as our Doctor... you will love him honey." He will have me see a high risk doctor just to make sure we stay totally on top of things given what happened with Samuel. I love that he will be vigilant with this go around.

I also know that anything can still happen, but the Doctor did say that those statistics go down significantly after you see a good heartbeat on a normal ultrasound. That gave my heart some peace. So we place this little baby in the Lord's hands... the very best place for he/she to be:) and we will see what happens...but at this point we are filled with joy.

One more thing... I know maybe some of you found my blog because you also have lost a child. Maybe some of you are longing for that baby or long to get pregnant, but it isn't happening for you. I know that hearing the news of a another pregnancy can be really difficult. I want you to know that I completely understand that. My heart goes out to you. I pray that our embryo adoption miracle doesn't deepen your pain. I also want you to know, that if you let me know, through an email or comment, I would love to be praying for you where ever you are in that grief journey. I mean that whole heartedly.

Oh by the way, here is a little bonus! Greg and I had lunch at PF Changs between the ultrasound and the Doctor's appt. After we ate we were talking with the waiter, who I think was a manager. We mentioned to him that we were celebrating this new life, and told him some about all of our other kids, including our miscarriage and Samuel. He then said that his wife had also had a stillbirth and a miscarriage... I was shocked... you just don't hear it that often... Then he came back and said that lunch was on him... What a special gift and treat!