15 MONTHS

IT HAS BEEN 15 MOS. SINCE WE KNEW OUR FAMILY WOULD NEVER BE COMPLETE THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN... OH HOW WE LONG FOR THE DAY WHEN WE CAN ALL BE TOGETHER FOR ETERNITY.

THESE PRECIOUS EARS HAVE BEEN HEARING THE PRAISES OF HIS CREATOR FOR A FULL 15 MONTHS... WOW, JUST TO IMAGINE IT...

FOR 15 MONTHS THESE BEAUTIFULLY FORMED LITTLE FEET HAVE BEEN WALKING THE STREETS OF GOLD... OR CRAWLING ON IT:)... WHO KNOWS IF MY SWEET BOY IS A BABY FOR A FULL GROWN MAN IN HEAVEN... I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT...

FOR 15 MONTHS THESE STRONG ARMS HAVE BEEN A CONSTANT SUPPORT TO ME.

FOR 15 MONTHS OUR HEARTS HAVE ACHED.

FOR 15 MONTHS OUR ARMS HAVE ACHED TO JUST HOLD HIM ONE MORE TIME.

FOR 15 MONTHS WE HAVE THANKED GOD FOR THE PRECIOUS GIFT OF OUR 4TH SON SAMUEL MARK AND FOR THE TIME WE HAD WITH HIM.

FOR 15 MONTHS THIS MAMA'S HEART HAS LONGED FOR MY SON. MAN, DO I MISS THE SMELL OF HIM. THIS MAY SOUND STRANGE BUT, ONE DAY I ACTUALLY TRIED TO SMELL THE LOCK OF HAIR WE HAVE ... JUST TO SEE IF I COULD SMELL HIM AGAIN... UGH... SIGH...IT STILL MAKES ME SAD THAT HIS SMELL IS GONE. I CAN BARELY DESCRIBE TO PEOPLE THE AMOUNT OF WAYS THAT SAMUEL HAS CHANGED ME OR HOW I HAVE CHANGED FROM EXPERIENCING ALL THAT WE HAVE IN THE LAST 15 MONTHS. SOME ARE WONDERFUL CHANGES, SOME NOT SO MUCH. I AM STILL REALIZING SOME OF THESE CHANGES. EVEN THOUGH 15 MONTHS HAVE PASSED, THERE ARE DAYS THAT IT FEELS LIKE LAST WEEK.THAT IS HOW VIVID AND CLEAR THE MEMORIES ARE. I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE VIVID, CLEAR MEMORIES OF MY BOY. THANKFULLY FOR 15 MONTHS MY SAVIOUR HAS HELD ME IN HIS ARMS JUST LIKE I WAS HOLDING SAMUEL IN THE ABOVE PICTURE.

SAMUEL, MY SWEET PRECIOUS SON, I STILL MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY. I THINK OF YOU EVERY DAY AND WONDER WHAT HEAVEN IS LIKE FOR YOU. I WONDER IF YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FRIENDS OR IF ALL OF YOU ARE TOO BUSY PRAISING OUR GREAT GOD. I WONDER IF YOU WERE THERE TO WELCOME LITTLE ZOE HOME LAST THURSDAY. I WONDER SO MUCH ABOUT YOU SON... WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE NOW. HAVING HOPE HERE HAS GIVEN ME A GLIMPSE OF ALL OF THE THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT BE DOING RIGHT NOW HAD YOU BEEN ABLE TO STAY. WE ARE SO THANKFUL TO HAVE HER HERE WITH US, BUT OUR HEARTS WISH YOU WERE HERE TOO... NO ONE WILL EVER REPLACE YOU. SAMUEL, I TREASURED EACH DAY I HAD WITH YOU... I AM SO THANKFUL I KNEW THEN HOW INCREDIBLY PRECIOUS YOUR LIFE WAS... IT IS STILL JUST AS PRECIOUS TO ALL OF US. YOUR BROTHERS AND ANNA TALK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME. TONIGHT LOUIS THANKED GOD FOR YOU WHEN WE ALL PRAYED BEFORE BED. SWEET LITTLE ANNA CONTINUES TO SHED LOTS OF TEARS FOR YOU. WE ARE SO THANKFUL YOU ARE SAFE, WHOLE AND WITH JESUS... OUR HEARTS MISS YOU TERRIBLY HERE ON EARTH WITH US. WE ALL CAN'T WAIT TO JOIN YOU SOME DAY... SAMUEL I LOVE YOU WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE MY SON... TILL WE MEET AGAIN FACE TO FACE...

MOM

COME LORD JESUS, COME!

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A COUPLE OF HOURS CAN MAKE

LIKE FATHER LIKE SON....:)

THE SNOW HAS BEEN FALLING FOR HOURS AND IT IS ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS OUT. I TOOK ANNA, SAVANNAH, AND JOJO OUT FOR A WALK OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD... MY NORTHERN ROOTS WERE SCREAMING..."I LOVE THIS... IT FEELS REFRESHING!!!"

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME AND BEING OUTDOORS IN ANY SORT OF FALLING PRECIPITATION. I LOVE IT.

I THINK WE HAVE ABOUT 4-5 INCHES AND IT IS STILL COMING DOWN. BLESSINGS ON YOUR WEEKEND!

THE ICE HAS ARRIVED

DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE THIS VAN NEEDS TO TURN AROUND AND HEAD RIGHT BACK TO FLORIDA?

OUR BENCH IN SAMUEL'S GARDEN



AS COLD AND NASTY AS IT IS OUTSIDE... THE ICE IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL! WE ARE SO THANKFUL TO STILL HAVE POWER. I WAS AMAZED EVEN MORE AFTER GOING OUT AND SEEING WHAT LOOKS LIKE 3/4 OF AN INCH OF ICE ON OUR CARS AND TREES. THANK YOU GOD! WE ARE PREPARED, BUT IT IS KIND OF FUN TO HANG OUT, WATCH MOVIES, TRY TO CATCH UP ON SOME SCHOOL WORK, SNUGGLE TOGETHER ON THE COUCH WITH THE HEAT STILL RUNNING:)


THE HEARING WAS CANCELED AND WILL BE POSTPONED FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED ON THAT. I VACILLATE BETWEEN FEELING SO AT PEACE AND THEN JUST WANTING IT TO BE OVER AND HAVING A SENSE OF IF SHE WILL STAY OR NOT... IT CAN BE REALLY HARD TO WAIT. IN THE CAR ANNA TOLD HOPE, " I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITH OUT YOU LITTLE SISTER.":)


OK... MELT MY HEART. DO YOU THINK SHE UNDERSTOOD THE PART ABOUT NOT KNOWING IF SHE IS ABLE TO STAY? I LOVE THE INNOCENCE OF CHILDREN... I LOVE THAT SHE LOVES HER... I LOVE HOW RESILIENT CHILDREN ARE IN COMPARISON TO US ADULTS... I KNOW GOD'S HANDS ARE ALL OVER THIS SITUATION. I PRAY HE WILL CONTINUE TO HOLD MY KIDS HEARTS THROUGH THIS ALL.


I HAD TO TAKE THE KIDS TO THE DOCTOR YESTERDAY... THEY ALL CAME HOME FROM FLORIDA WITH COLDS. THAT WAS THE ONLY BUMMER THING OF OUR TRIP. BUT THANK GOD THEY ALL SEEM TO BE ON THE MEND.


STAY WARM EVERYONE!!
SPEND SOME TIME SNUGGLING WITH THOSE YOU LOVE...

BLOG FRIENDS CAN BE REAL LIFE DEAR FRIENDS

MY SWEET NEW FRIENDS EBE AND TONYA
TONYA'S TWO GIRLS WITH ANNA AND JOJO... MY KIDS WERE LOOKING SO FORWARD TO MEETING THEM, AND THEY HIT IT OFF GREAT.



I ABSOLUTELY HAD THE NICEST TIME WITH MY BLOG GIRLFRIENDS TONYA http://www.tonyatalk.blogspot.com/ AND EBE http://www.blogger.com/www.riskingloss.blogspot.com (side note, I am so computer illiterate... I need to figure out how to put a link in... I am sure it is an easy thing... I am just not that computer savvy:) IT WAS JUST FAR TOO SHORT OF A VISIT.

AND CAN I SAY MY FRIEND TONYA IS SO EASY GOING TO JUST LET US PLAN TO VISIT A WEEK AND A HALF IN ADVANCE, AND TO WELCOME ME AND MY 5 THERE TO STAY THE NIGHT.

I HAVE BEEN HOPING, WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE, TO GET TOGETHER WITH SOME OF MY FRIENDS THAT I HAVE ONLY MET ONLINE BECAUSE OF OUR SIMILAR JOURNEYS OF LOSS. AND I HAVE TO JUST TELL YOU IT WAS SUCH A BLESSING TO ME. I FELT AS IF I HAD KNOWN THEM FOREVER... WE KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT EACH OTHER FROM READING EACH OTHERS STORIES... BUT IT WAS SUCH A DELIGHT TO ACTUALLY SIT ACROSS FROM THESE SWEET LADIES AND LOOK THEM IN THE EYES... NOT JUST AT THEIR PICTURES. I LOVED SEEING WHAT THEY WERE REALLY LIKE. I LOVED SHARING ABOUT OUR BOYS TOGETHER. EBE'S BOY, OWEN, WENT TO HEAVEN ABOUT A YEAR BEFORE SAMUEL, AND TONYA'S BOY, GRADY, WENT TO HEAVEN JUST 12 DAYS AFTER SAMUEL. WHEN JOJO AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT WHO WE WERE GOING TO STAY WITH IN GEORGIA, I EXPLAINED ABOUT THEIR LITTLE BOYS IN HEAVEN. RIGHT AWAY HE SAID SO JOYFULLY, "OH, I BET SAMUEL, GRADY AND OWEN ARE FRIENDS AND ARE PLAYING TOGETHER IN HEAVEN." THAT THOUGHT OF OUR BOYS IN HEAVEN TOGETHER DOES BRING ME JOY. I KNOW THEY DON'T NEED EACH OTHER, THEY HAVE GOD, BUT I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF THEM HAVING EACH OTHER.

I CAN'T DESCRIBE TO YOU THE FEELING I HAD WHEN I GAVE THESE WOMAN A HUG IN PERSON... I JUST FELT LIKE I WAS HUGGING MY SISTER. WE ARE SISTER'S IN CHRIST... BUT THIS MAY SOUND STRANGE BUT I THINK THERE IS KIND OF A SISTERHOOD IN THE SHARED THINGS THAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND EXPERIENCED. I WAS OVERCOME WITH EMOTION DRIVING THERE JUST KNOWING THEY KNEW EXACTLY ALL I HAD BEEN THROUGH, THEY HAD BEEN THROUGH IT THEMSELVES, THE SHOCK, THE DEVASTATION, THE DELIVERY, THE TIME WITH OUR BOYS, THE SAYING GOODBYE HERE ON EARTH. IT WAS SO NICE TO BE WITH THEM KNOWING THEY TRULY UNDERSTAND. I REALLY MISS THEM ALREADY... I SO WISH WE LIVED CLOSER. PRAISE GOD FOR THE INTERNET... OK, I KNOW THAT SOUNDED STRANGE, THE INTERNET??? BUT REALLY I AM SO THANKFUL THAT I HAVE THEM IN MY LIFE. THEY GIVE ME SUCH SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT.

EBE IS DUE WITH HER PRECIOUS HANNAH MAE THIS MAY... WE ARE PRAYING FOR THAT SWEET LITTLE BLESSING. SHE AND HER HUSBAND ARE PLANNING ON MOVING TO ST. LOUIS.... I AM HOPING THEY WILL COME SOUTH FOR A GET AWAY ONCE THEY ARE IN OUR NECK OF THE WOODS. AND TONYA, YOU JUST HAVE TO COME VISIT ME TOO. I KNOW THAT MAY HAVE TO WAIT FOR A BIT:) BUT WE WILL HAVE TO PLAN ANOTHER TIME WHERE WE CAN SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER:) WHEREVER THAT MAY BE, MAYBE EVEN MEETING IN THE MIDDLE.

I ARRIVED TO TONYA'S HOUSE ON TUESDAY AT AROUND 5 AND THEN LEFT WEDNESDAY MORNING. IT WAS QUICK... BUT SUCH A GIFT FROM GOD TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM... THEIR FRIENDSHIPS ARE A GIFT FROM GOD.... AND I FEEL BLESSED!

WE ARE BACK AND BRACING OURSELVES FOR AN OKLAHOMA STORM

CALEB IN THE HEATED OUTDOOR POOL:)
LOUIS AND JOJO TAKING A BREAK AND HAVING LUNCH AT DISNEYWORLD.

THERE IS HOPE IN THE ERGO... CAN YOU SEE HER? I KNOW, I WANT TO POST PICTURES OF HER TOO:) ... CALEB CHOOSE TO SKIP DISNEY AND GO GOLFING A 2ND DAY WITH GRANDPA... I THOUGHT THAT WAS A LITTLE CRAZY, BUT THAT IS SO CALEB. HE IS ALL ABOUT ANY SPORT.

CAN YOU SEE THAT TRUCK FILLED WITH ORANGES? WE TOOK A FIELD TRIP TO FLORIDA NATURAL'S FACTORY FOR A LITTLE BIT OF EDUCATION AND FREE SAMPLES OF THEIR DIFFERENT ORANGES... YUMMY. DID YOU KNOW THAT IT TAKES 45 ORANGES TO MAKE A GALLON OF NATURAL OJ? THAT SURE SEEMED LIKE A LOT TO ME.

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WITH THE KIDDOS, MINUS HOPE, BEFORE WE LEFT.

OK, WE ARE HOME, BUT REALLY I WISH I WAS STILL IN FLORIDA. WE ARE HOME JUST IN TIME FOR A NASTY STORM... THEY ARE PRETTY MUCH PREDICTING ICE BEFORE THE SNOW AND A GOOD CHANCE THAT WE COULD LOSE POWER. FUN:) WE ARE TRYING TO GET ORGANIZED AND UNPACK AS WELL AS PREPARE A LITTLE.

OUR HEARING IN COURT TOMORROW REGARDING HOPE IS A LITTLE UP IN THE AIR... TOTALLY UP IN THE AIR. THE COURTHOUSE IS CLOSED DOWN FOR TODAY ALREADY AND IS PLANNING ON REOPENING WEATHER PERMITTING. I JUST DON'T SEE US BRAVING THE ROADS FOR THE 3 HOUR DRIVE WHEN THEY DO NOTHING TO CARE FOR THEM, ESPECIALLY IF IT ICES. IT WOULD TAKE US FOREVER AND PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE SAFE. SO MOST LIKELY, IF THEY HAVE THE HEARING OUR ATTY WILL BE THERE TO REPRESENT US. PLEASE BE IN PRAYER FOR THAT IS YOU THINK OF IT, OTHERWISE IT WILL BE POSTPONED FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. MORE WAITING... UGH:)

WE HAD AN ABSOLUTELY AMAZING TIME IN FLORIDA... BESIDES THE FACT THAT ALL OF THE KIDS GOT SICK... BAD COLDS. THE PLACE MY PARENTS WERE STAYING WAS SO NICE... ALTHOUGH I THINK WE WERE THE ONLY KIDS IN THE WHOLE PLACE. I WENT TO THE LINE DANCING CLASS WITH MY MOTHER, THAT WAS HILARIOUS. I AM NOT THE MOST COORDINATED AND THESE OLDER FOLKS COULD WIPE THE FLOOR WITH ME. I GOT A TOTAL KICK OUT OF WATCHING THEM.

WE SWAM, HIT DISNEY WORLD, AND DID A LOT OF RELAXING, MOURNED THE LOSS OF THE VIKINGS (AS WELL AS THE ABUSE OF BRETT FAVRE, MAN THAT GUY IS TOUGH), AND ENJOYED TIME WITH MY PARENTS. WE EVEN GOT TO SEE MY AUNT ADRIENNE AND UNCLE THOMAS FOR ONE NIGHT. THEY WERE COMING DOWN FOR THE NEXT WEEK WITH MY PARENTS.

AND THE RIDE HOME... OUR STOP IN GEORGIA WITH MY BLOG FRIENDS... SUCH AN AMAZING TREAT FOR ME, SUCH A GIFT FROM GOD.... THAT WILL BE MY NEXT POST... YEAH, THERE WILL BE PICTURES:)

SO HERE WE ARE THANKING GOD FOR MORE TIME WITH HOPE, SAFE TRAVEL FOR ME AND THE KIDS, WONDERFUL FAMILY AND FRIENDS, BEING REUNITED WITH MY HUBBY...AND PRAYING MAYBE WE CAN SKIRT THE WORST OF THIS STORM:)

FLORIDA BOUND!

This mom of hopefully 6 is just about to head to the sunny land of Florida...Yeah! Wow, though the amount of work to get us out the door is amazing and a bit exhausting... I am not at all complaining... I love it, but honestly I will be happy to hit the open highway.

I was a fickle pickle yesterday and wavered back and forth in my decision to go, but thought what am I thinking?? I can't pass up a nearly free vacation (well not exactly free, but much better than if I had to pay for housing) with Grandma and Grandpa... and the timing is perfect.

I am thrilled that it seems that we will be able to spend the night with my blog friend:) Tonya and family... Yeah, and I am hoping that my other blog friend Ebe will be able to join us. It will be such a blessing to actually hug these gals face to face. They have been such an encouragement to me in my loss. How nice it will be to share our hearts face to face...

The kids and I just need to finish packing and out the door we will go:) I am so thankful to be able to have the flexibility to be able to do this and that I have a husband that will let us go for it:)

Sun shiny Florida, here we come:) Here is to praying that HOPE does well on the 19 hour drive:)

TREASURES IN THE DARKNESS

I just started a book tonight that was given to me by a wonderful woman at church. She lost her son, about 5 mos after Samuel died. He was much older, but I have felt a closeness to her, just because of what we share in our grief. She teaches our oldest sons Louis' confirmation class at church. Can I tell you that I have NEVER seen or heard him more excited about the old testament. Every week, he always comes home with new stories or a fresh perspective on old stories. I absolutely love that He is getting excited, so excited about God's word... that touches this mama's heart.

So back to the book... It is called Treasures in the darkness and was written by a pastor's wife named Sharon Betters. She wrote if after the loss of their 16 year old son. Just that struck me, she is a pastor's wife... I wondered how it was for her. I will write a bit from the introduction...

When death grabbed my youngest child, Mark, and tried to destroy our family, I wondered how my heart kept beating.... because of my rich spiritual heritage and role as a pastor's wife and Bible study teacher, it is possible that people who knew me well imagined that my response to deep sorrow would be great faith. Instead, my long journey into the abyss of grief frightened our closest friends and extended family.... early in my journey, I often envied those who experienced similar loss but seemed to be in a cocoon of peace and strength. Though their grief was as deep as mine, they never seemed to question God's presence or love... Why didn't God grant me peace and strength? Why did I have to struggle to trust him once more?

Wooh, hello, I can relate to this woman... in so many ways. I read a couple of chapters tonight... I have a whole stack of "grief books" that have been given to me. Sometimes I am just too worn out to go there. I know that reading them all throws me right back into the days of late October 2008 and all of those deep feelings. ( Wow, that just struck me, it is 2010, my heart hurts that we are moving further from our days with Samuel... ugh!) I still have many of those same deep feelings as I did then, but I think the difference then is that you have all of the physical aspects alongside of the emotional. And at that point in time, it is ALL CONSUMING. At the same time, sometimes now I feel more ready to read some of those books even though it has been almost 15 mos. since Samuel died. What a long journey, a life long journey. I am really looking forward to reading all of the treasures that she gained in the darkness of her loss.


I had the crazy idea to maybe head to Florida this week with the kids. It will be a haul, but I think we are up for it, and could really use the distraction. I think I will have to decide one way or the other tomorrow. My parents are renting a house. We had planned on going down in Feb... but now Feb. is looking kind of iffy with things and dates we will need to be places with HOPE.

We had friends who watched the older 4 kids last night... wow, the house was quiet. I missed them all, but Greg and I were able to watch a movie together after the baby was down. And this morning I got lots done around here, which felt really good. Thanks Dinkleman's for making that possible:)

Heading to early church in the morning so we can make it home to watch our good friend Brett Favre... we will see how this one goes down...