HOUSEGUESTS, HOUSEGUESTS, AND MORE HOUSEGUESTS:)

JOJO WHILE COOKING WITH GRANDMA...HE LOVES GETTING MESSY!

I LOVE THOSE BLUE EYES:)
THE KIDS MAKING PEANUT BUTTER KISS COOKIES...
CALEB WAS TOO BUSY WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH DAD AND GRANDPA TO PARTICIPATE... THAT CALEB WOULD TAKE PLAYING OR WATCHING SPORTS OVER PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING.


JOJO ZONKED OUT ON GRANDPA HINTZ



YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE OLDEST UMPIRE IN MISSOURI:) ANNA, ENJOYING SOME TIME WITH MR. NEBEL

What a day... I will get to the challenging part of the day in a moment. Friday Greg's parents came up from Houston to spend part of the weekend with us. I better quit putting them to work or them may not come up anymore:) They will need a vacation from their vacation if I keep up with having them help us with all of our projects. The kids wanted to make cookies. So right away last night they were wanting Grandma to help them make Texas Trash. ( A yummy Texas version of Chex Mix, snack mix) Today we had them helping with getting all of the outdoor Christmas decorations up. The Bottoms blessed us with a really pretty outdoor nativity scene and some beautiful wreaths. We were able to get that all up... ahhh, that was a load off my mind, it was so nice to have their help. We got the tree up inside with lights, but we will have to put the ornaments up tomorrow. As usual Grandma and Grandpa were a HUGE help to us.

This afternoon my sweet Texas friend Mary's parents were passing through town on their way to St. Louis and stayed the night with us. They are so incredibly sweet. We are always amazed with her dad who at 83 is the oldest umpire in the state of Missouri. He is still refereeing High School basketball games. He is so spry... Her parents are both such a delight to have here.

Now moving on to the challenging part of the day.... Man can some emotional things just exhaust me. A few days ago we got an email from CPO saying they needed a host home for a birth mom. She was induced yesterday and had a baby girl last night. She has chosen the adoptive parents but will need a place to stay for about 10 days. It would be for her and her 2 year old son. Right away I felt God stirring my heart. Here will be a girl who will be leaving the hospital with out her baby. I can relate to that feeling. Greg and I talked about it and decided that we wanted to do it. I thought it would be a good distraction for us and a way for us to serve and look beyonds ourselves and our sadness this Christmas season.

All looked great until the adoptive mom asked that we come to the hospital to meet the birth mom. I totally understand that she would want to meet us before she and her son come to stay. The difficult part was that she had her baby at the same hospital that I had Samuel in and that Joel was born in this past summer. I just don't have any good feelings from that hospital. I have left there twice now with out a baby and had some of the most painful moments of my life in that hospital. Truthfully I avoid taking the road that makes me drive past that place. I just felt like, "Lord I want to serve you, but really do I have to go back there today??" Well, I did. Greg came with me. The adoptive mom met us outside the elevator and right away said, "Thank you for coming, I know how hard it is for you to be here." I immediately lost it. I think it was that she acknowledged our pain and loss. She prayed for Greg and I right there.

Part of me was a little mad that I had to go there. But yet part of me thought maybe God really wanted me to go there, that maybe that was part of the work He needs to do in me. I want Him to work what He wants to in my life and heart... but boy does the fire of refining hurt sometimes. Once I pulled it together, God really proved faithful by giving me comfort and peace in my heart.

We went in and met the young lady. She is very sweet and I think it will be great to have her with us for the next 2 weeks or so. Please pray that God uses us in her life during the short time she will be with us. She in looking into other non-Christian religions. She doesn't like to be alone so most likely she will want to come to church with us. (That was what the adoptive mom thought.) I am looking forward to being able to comfort her in her loss and being a listening ear for her if she needs one. I am also REALLY praying that God will soften her heart and open her eyes to hearing about a relationship with Jesus. All in all, it was ok to be there. God proved faithful once again to sustain us.

The kids are excited to have her and her son here tomorrow... We are thankful for all of our houseguests this week:) We will keep you posted ...

THANKSGIVING 09

I GUESS I SHOULDN'T POST THANKSGIVING O9 AND THEN ADD A PICTURE FROM 07 BUT I HAD TO ADD THIS PICTURE FROM A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO WHILE GREG WAS IN THE SEMINARY. LOOK HOW LITTLE JOJO LOOKS... SUCH GREAT TIMES!

I JUST LOVE THIS PICTURES... LOU'S WET PANT LEGS AND ALL... AND JOJO'S SWEET LITTLE SAMUEL PUPPY.


I THANK GOD TODAY FOR THESE 5 PRECIOUS PEOPLE WITH ME ABOVE
AND FOR THE BEAUTIFUL 9 MONTHS THAT I GOT TO HAVE SAMUEL GROW INSIDE OF ME.

THIS IS THE MOST RECENT PICTURE OF ELIJAH... IT WAS A COOL DAY, BUT REALLY NOT THAT COOL. I THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY THAT HE HUNTED DOWN THAT HAT AND SCARF ALL BY HIMSELF. HE BRINGS US SUCH JOY...DIRTY CHEEKS AND ALL:)



I WILL TRY TO UPDATE LATER THIS MORNING WITH WHAT WE ARE ALL MOST THANKFUL FOR THIS YEAR.



BLESSINGS ON YOUR THANKSGIVING DAY...

GIVE THANKS TO THE LORD, FOR HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER PSALM 136:1

UPDATE:
This year we are thankful for :
Greg: His family, opportunity to serve the Lord as a pastor, God providing in ways that we wouldn't expect, our home and our vehicles that run:).

Sara: Our small group at church, a job for my husband, a husband who is extremely supportive and accepting of me, all 5 of my children, my big white van:)( as dorky as it may be, I love it), being able to stay home with my kids, friends that will stick by through the sunny times and the rainy times, my precious family, and most of all a God who has walked beside me, sustained me this past year and gives me hope for the future here on earth and in eternity with HIM.

Louis: My house, all of my family, Samuel, my friends, my new pets, and The Bottoms family.

Caleb: My house, family, friends, food and toys, my ripstik, and time spent playing football with Dad and Louis.

Anna: Having friends to play with, Jesus, having dolls, my family, my momma(she really did say that:), my daddy, my piano, a bed to sleep in, and my 5 brothers( she included Samuel and Joel, Faith's baby) (She also wanted me to add that she wants a sister:)

Jojo: Having Samuel in our family, legos, my sister Anna, momma, for a daddy who dresses him and takes him on walks, snuggly hat, my cowboy boots, and brothers who play with him and share legos with him.

OH MY BOY...

I am missing him so incredibly much today. He is constantly on my mind. I looked at the bottom picture last night and realized for the first time that his lips looked kind of preciously crooked. How could it take me a whole year to realize that about my son? I inspected every detail of him that day... or so I thought. I think I was so enamored with how red his lips were that day. Oh, I would give anything to just scoop him up in my arms and cuddle him next to my face...

Last year this time I was just 3 weeks out of my loss... totally in the fog. This year the holidays are taking on a whole new picture. Last year we were just trying to make it a moment at a time. This year I am realizing anew that we will NEVER this side of Heaven celebrate a Thanksgiving or a Christmas with Samuel. Ugh, my heart hurts.... really hurts... This year he would have been so busy, all into our decorations that we will put up this weekend. It just doesn't seem right? I wasn't anticipating this holiday season to be difficult... I thought we had gotten through the firsts... but maybe this Thanksgiving and Christmas will be the first "not in the fog of shock". I never realized at the time what a gift "shock" is.

I am tired of having bad and tragic dreams... I even went to bed early "for me" last night... but woke up at the crack of dawn with my heart pounding... I had Greg pray over me before he left for work. The other night he asked if I could remember what I had dreamt about because I was crying in my sleep...

Last week I was really feeling HOPEFUL... this week not so much. I think I will call it "Quiet time" for everyone in the house. This is where we all go find a place alone and have some quiet time with Jesus. I need Him to fill me with some HOPE. Any other baby loss mamas out there that are having or had some of these same feelings at the holidays...even more than a year later?

There are so many things swirling around in my mind, but I am not sure if I am ready to post about some of them...

not sure if people will understand where I am coming from...

not sure if I can handle the negative feedback I know that I will get from some... (that is the thing, there are things that just take time for me to know I can handle the good or the back feedback I may receive... and until I am at that point, I rather not share it)

not sure if I can articulate some of my feelings on some things without it coming across in a way I don't want it to... I know I am as confused as I sound at times...:)

We started a small group with couples from church. We meet twice a month and are studying the book Love and Respect. Already I am so incredibly thankful for the 3 other couples we meet with . I think they will be a safe place for us. Last night I laughed so hard at times and it felt so good. I love the moments when I have a good "throw your head back and let it go" laugh. At the same time we were all able to share struggles and challenge each other in our marriages. It has been a great book so far, we are only on Chapter 3 at this point. It has some revolutionary things I had NEVER really thought about, so we are looking forward to the rest of the book. Greg and I came home and were up till 1:15 just talking and talking about many things heavy on our hearts. My husband is such a good listener, but it was really so nice to hear him share his heart too.

For me a small group bible study has always been the place where your church starts to become your church family. That is one thing I have REALLY needed since we have been here, so I am so thankful that we are able to start building those relationships. It is just so hard on Sunday morning. I always stay after the service to visit. But with teaching the boys Sunday School class, making sure we are on time, and getting everyone to use the bathroom, all with Greg doing His:) thing... it just doesn't leave a whole lot of time to visit and get to know people.

I took the above pictures outside in or by Samuel's garden. There is a sense of relief that our first year without him has passed. We survived a year... we persevered through the hardest year of our lives to date, I still taught the kids, we still traveled, had food on the table, and the house didn't fall apart. I kind of feel like those are some good accomplishments considering many days I just truly felt like pulling the covers over my head and staying in bed. But just because we are one year closer to seeing Samuel in Heaven doesn't mean we miss him any less or think about him any less.

One of the biggest misconceptions I have found is that people feel like if I look like I am doing fine that if they bring up Samuel that they will bring up something I am not thinking about and that will make me sad. What they don't understand is I am still thinking about him still so much... almost all the time, consciously or subconsciously. That may not make sense to someone unless they have had a loss themselves. I still miss my boy like crazy. My chest still literally hurts some days. I think I really understand the broken heart "feeling". I never knew that was physically possible till losing Samuel. I still look at all babies and even kids up to a year and just watch them... knowing in my heart and seeing with my eyes all of the details and things we will never get the chance to experience with our son. That is still so very hard to swallow some days. Ugh! It is so interesting and almost out of body like, to watch others with their little ones just in blissful happiness from the outside. I don't know how to describe it from the outside, when you are living the exact opposite to them in regards to the babies that you carried. You know the pain and intense grief you feel, and they know of your loss to, but yet it feels like there is this total disconnect as I watch... Weird and bizarre to most probably... I don't expect people to get it but really I share here really just to help myself process things and who knows maybe someone else who has had a loss will know they are not alone. Or maybe someone will read what I say and be able to help someone else close to them who has had a loss. I just wonder when will I really get used to this "new normal"?

So here I started with not much to say or not knowing how to say anything... but huh... I seemed to get some out, even if it may have just sounded like a whole lot of rambling... still so much more in there...

We would appreciate prayers as we contemplate and pray about some different decisions we may make for our family. He is listening... He hears our prayers... The one who breathed life into us, is waiting for us to come and unload. I am so thankful he is there to take it, all of it. He is there listening... even if I don't always hear his answer or like his answer or am still waiting for His answer... I am glad He is listening.

SAYING GOODBYE... MORE LIKE SEE YOU SOON:)

JOJO THE UNICORN... ALL TUCKERED OUT.

ANNA AND MEREDITH, THE BOTTOMS GRANDDAUGHTER HAVING A SLEEP OVER... THESE TWO ARE 2 PEAS IN A POD.

CALEB WITH ONE OF THE BUNNIES AT THE BARN SALE

AT GRANDMA AND GRANDPA BOTTOMS.

We had a busy week last week with all of my friends here... by the way... I am still sad that they are gone, but so thankful for the time we had together.

Last week before our company arrived the kids and I had gone out to the Bottoms to help her cook for the barn sale that they had just this past weekend. She was going to do all of the concessions while the auction of all of the house and barn stuff was going on. I have never seen a more efficient person in the kitchen. I think we baked 4 cakes, 10 dozen cookies, and 2 pans of brownies. I have learned so many things from her in the kitchen.

The boys helped them with some outdoor stuff, and she and I cleaned out one of her deep freezes which in turn ended up blessing us with many coolers of food to take home. I was even able to make prime rib for my girlfriends. They all laughed that I went out and bought such a great cut of meat just for them. It was such a treat for all of us. Honestly, it was the first prime rib I have had and it was amazing:)

Greg and the kids went out all day Friday to help get ready for the auction the next day. The big boys slept over and got up early to help with the concessions on sale day. I have to tell you, when I arrived at the sale later that afternoon and saw all of the cars and people... I felt sick to my stomach. It was a bit rough for me... I can't imagine how it was for them. They are the most generous people... so incredibly hospitable.

Their granddaughter ended up sleeping over, so when I went back to drop her off I got a chance to tell Deena how much I appreciate them taking us under their wing this past year, during such a hard time for us. Their home here was amazing, but really they are what make their place so special and such a fun place to be. We have loved spending time with them. We will miss them so much. It was not an easy goodbye. We are so thankful that they will still need to come back up... or we can always go see them... Her daughter said we can come anytime. Actually it would be on the way if we go to Houston. When the kids heard that... they said can we try to see them twice a month... I love kids view on time... We feel so blessed to have had our time here in Oklahoma over lap with theirs for 1 year... God was good to have them here for us.

OUR NILMDTS PHOTOGRAPHER

These were pictures that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer sent to us the week of Samuel's birthday. Now I lay Me Down To Sleep is the organization that has volunteer photographers that go to the hospital to photograph babies either before they pass away or after. They give an unbelievably priceless, precious gift to us parents who have children in heaven.

Our photographer, Kaycee, has since moved to Virginia. We just love her and think that she is amazing. She went above and beyond what she needed to do for us the day Samuel died and in the months following while she edited all our pictures and made us our DVD. Months after Samuel had died I sent her some gift cards as a little thank you for all she did for us. What she did with those gift cards amazed me. She sent us a letter and these pictures the week of Samuel's birthday. She also sent a beautiful paper weight with a pictures of all of the kids together in it.

In the letter she told how she wanted to do something special with the gift cards. Now, that was the first thing that amazed me. (A lot of times if I get a gift card for me, I just spend it on something fun for me, a shirt, jewelry... whatever... but she actually put time into thinking about how to spend them. ) She decided to get a small Waterford compote. She had it engraved with one of "Samuel's" verses. Isn't it absolutely beautiful? What a meaningful way to spend our gift card... in a way that will help her remember our boy. She plans on putting it in her future baby's room as a gift from Samuel. She said she had no idea how our NILMDTS session would affect her even a year later. Her words were so sweet, she mentioned how often she thinks of us, including Samuel, and still prays for us. We so appreciat that.

I was just amazed, here this sweet gal volunteered her time to be there to capture our only moments with our son. She gave us the gift of our only photos as a family and the only photos of all 5 of our children together. We still have them all over our home. I'm sure some find it peculiar to have so many pictures around. But for now we still need that many to look at. Who knows, maybe I need them to look at. Maybe it won't always be that way, but for now it is. She did an amazing job and captured so many of the beautiful bits and pieces of our precious son. Her gift of photos is priceless. Now her gift of remembering our Samuel is priceless as well and touched us all so deeply.

I plan on writing a little more about Samuel's birthday week and either special things that were said to us, written to us, or given to us. I haven't had the chance yet... but it is in the plan...

GIRL'S WEEKEND

BECKY, DEEDEE, AND MYSELF

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF "MAN CANDLES"?
THEY ARE PRETTY FUNNY AND STINKY...
SCENTS LIKE, FOOTBALL, BEER AND GARAGE...YUCK!


HANGING OUT IN DOWNTOWN COWETA...COWTOWN AS THEY AFFECTIONATELY CALL IT. I WOULD NEVER TAKE A PICTURE LIKE THIS, BUT THEY WOULDN'T LET ME SAY NO... A BIT GOOFY I KNOW.

I was so blessed this week by the visit of my girlfriends from our Seminary years. I can not tell you how much I have looked forward to this and how WONDERFUL it was for me. I have often said that I think my grief journey would have looked different if we had lost Samuel during our time at the seminary... and that would have been because of these great gals. While we were at the seminary, I think all but 1 of us lived on campus in the married housing. It was like college, but with families. This group of gals went out most Sunday nights. We would head out after 8 so the kids were mostly in bed. Last year 4 of them came down just a few weeks before Samuel died. I remember my sweet, sweet friend Becky telling me about when she had gotten them all together to tell them about Samuel and what had happened after we knew he was gone. She was one of the first couple people we called. They were all standing outside on what had been our back porch at the seminary when we had lived there. She said they were all just crying, tears dropping on our concrete, just praying and mourning with us. That spoke volumes to me. They were the ones that made the blankets for us last year. All getting together to tie them and pray for us and our kids. We all still sleep with those blankets. For some reason our "Samuel" blanket helps me feel close to him.

Anyways I get to rambling.... It was so nice, they kind of trickled in and trickled out. Some came in as early as last Tuesday night and the last gal left today at 2:00. That was such a good thing. I knew I would be so sad if they had all left at once.

I can't tell you how nice it was to have them here.... it felt like home having them here. We ate lots... laughed a lot, watched a chick flick, went for walks and runs in the neighborhood, went shopping in downtown Coweta, and mostly just hung out and visited. There are only 2 of us left at the Seminary and the rest have been placed in Nebraska, Florida, Massachusetts, and Texas. They brought us a gift of a cross that we can put in Samuel's garden. They all wrote words about our sweet boy. That was given to me right away once they had all arrived. My friend Becky even went as far as to have a card that had a leaf on it... it kind of reminded her of the one that was on our hospital room door when we had Samuel and when Faith had Joel. She remembered that ( that amazes me and just shows how much she is listening to me and absorbing the things that I tell her) and they all remembered my boy... that touched me deeply.

I had lots of opportunity to talk and continue to process things with people who knew me before this all happened and who love our family deeply. They are like family to us.... We so miss being with all of them at the seminary.

I was so blessed by our time... I miss having them all here... There was already talk of another get together next year.

I am so thankful tonight for friends... loving, caring, compassionate, sister's in Christ, friends who understand me, friends who are ok with where I am at, friends who will laugh or cry with you, friends who are really there in your deepest darkest moments (when they can be there then... you know they will be there for anything), friends who have husbands who all have the same job as pastors, friends who are so different in many ways, yet so much the same in others... friends who really love each other. Ahhhh, tonight I am thankful... missing them all again... but so thankful:)