Passion...

(The inside of our church worship area)

My heart is grateful tonight...

We had our annual stewardship dinner tonight at church... It was a first for us...

It started out with wine, cheese, and chocolate tasting... Hello??? such a treat for this stay at home mama... who really doesn't get out that often:) 

It was a sweet time of getting to fellowship with people, such a treat for me because on Sunday mornings, life is so busy for me, and I feel like I am chasing the kids around a lot of the time... so it was like a little gift to be able to sit and visit with members, and even hunt down specific chocolates for some of the older ladies... FUN!

Honestly, I marvel at how the Lord brought us to this place.... we are so blessed!

As our Senior Pastor shared before the stewardship speaker, my heart was almost ready to burst... it is an exciting time to be a part of this church... Within a 3 year time span every single person in staff leadership will be new... from the senior pastor, to the associate pastor (greg), to the youth director,  to the DCE, to the music person, to the principal, to the executive secretary... all of them... leaving either through retirement, taking other calls or jobs, and 1 through death....

While all of those people will be missed and are dearly loved for their work here... There is so much excitement... The passion for reaching the lost with the Gospel of Christ was spoken loud and clear by our head pastor.  You can not help but be fully on board with someone who is so sincere, caring, excited, and clearly shares a passionate vision of reaching the lost with the Christ's saving grace.  It was exciting...

So again and again... the faithfulness of the Lord shines through as we embark on this new ministry here... I am amazed at God's goodness in bringing us to this place to do ministry! 


This is the historic chapel of our church... It was built in 1863 and is what I get to look at everyday our my front window... It is a beautiful building used now for our Ethiopian, Pakistan ministries and for weddings in the cooler months of the year.  BEAUTIFUL!

My son...

Samuel Mark Hintz... my 5th born...

Born into the arms of Jesus October 29th 2008...

Born still with out a heartbeat into my arms October 30th 2008...

With the end of the month just around the corner, my thoughts go to my sweet baby Samuel... It is strange having a child that you forever see as a baby... because that is all you ever knew him as... occasionally I will get a glimpse of a dark haired little rascal running around and wonder...

There are so many things I wonder...I know and I trust in God's plan that he wasn't meant to live a long life here... but as a mom, I can't help but wonder all that he would have become, what his voice would have sounded like when he called for me, would he be calm and quiet, or rambunctious like some of the others... :):)

As the weather cools the familiar fall feeling of sadness creeps in... How could he possibly be almost 5 years old... In all reality it feels more like 2 1/2 years ago that he died... But then again there are moments where the ache in my heart and the longing just to hold him again are as if it has only been a few weeks since he was gone... grief is a strange thing... 

I struggle a bit being in a new place, having just moved, where no one knew me in the early days of my sorrow... no one here saw me walk those early days of deep sadness... They know the me now... not the me who had just handed over for the last time one of my most precious treasures, my beautiful,  9 lb. 2oz, dark haired, toes like his daddy, peach fuzzed covered face sweet bundle of my son... Tears fall now, even as I just long to hold my Samuel again...  I just wish for a moment I could hold his skin to my face... smell that sweet baby smell and soak in every bit of him all over again...

Sometimes you just long for those few familiar people who NEVER minded the tears...

When I think of those early days... even the first year... I don't even know how we survived it... Somehow, really, only by the grace of God we got school done, had meals... and made it through... even if school and other things were  accomplished while just barely hanging on by a thread...

Never have I felt more watched, judged and invisible all at the same time... strange, but true... not a fun place to be...

Even last year, after 4 years, I remember telling my home school coop ladies at the beginning of the school year... that I intended on making that the year we would not just survive, but THRIVE... I know, crazy 4 years of survival??? I am sure to some it looked like much more than survival, but at times that is really what it felt like to me...

Even now in these days, I recognize the sacred dance of grief and joy... it is all intermixed...

It is funny how my arms are now so full of littles that I scarcely can handle them all at once (when they gang up on me:) but at the same time, I long to hold and my arms ache for the one I will have to wait for eternity to hold again...

I don't want anyone to worry about us... We really are doing so well here... We are so very grateful for where the Lord has moved us... We are so grateful to be a part of a wonderful new church and to be on board with a ministry team here that is such a gift to us! Moving is hard... but so good too! 

We are so grateful to the Lord for how He has used the short life of our Samuel in ours and other's lives.  We are so grateful for how the Lord has changed us as a result of His brief time with us... So hard... but so good at the same time... There are times I just wish for the old me, the me before I walked a road of heartache...

But really I would NEVER want to be who I was... It would mean living without my son... and it would mean missing out on the most precious 9 months with him... It would mean missing out on those 5 hours of seeing him in my kid's and husband's arms... It would mean never having felt the weight of that perfectly formed creation and miracle from God in my arms...  it would mean going back to the person I was before I knew personally and lived out that the Lord could mend and heal a shattered heart...

Never once did I not believe in the saving Grace of my Heavenly Father... or did I not believe in Him and all he could do...
I knew He could do it ... I knew He would do it... I knew that He would bring good out of our loss... but at the time in my despair... no amount of good seemed worth it... not in the day and day in and out of what I was feeling...

But now when I can look back on His faithfulness...  His work to bring me up out of the mud and mire of my despair and sorrow... and even more so, to put a new song in my heart... I am AMAZED!!

I cry right now... for the way my heart still misses my son... I cry now tears of utter disbelief and joy for how the Lord has redeemed my life and healed my broken heart... He is so good... through it all... so very good! 

So there it is that daily mix of joy and pain... and it is ok... it is actually good...

Our life is beautiful... and a life of...

missing... missing our little boy... we are so grateful that he is safe in Heaven but we miss his presence here... missing our other babies lost to miscarriage and a stillbirth in the adoption process of baby Joel...

longing... longing for the JOYFUL reunion we will one day experience in Heaven...

sheer exhaustion... when I am not sure I can go on for another minutes (I know we all feel that way at times:)  I am so so thankful for each of my children... for I know that life is fragile and precious and can change in an instant... we have lived that... I know not to take it for granted...

utter gratitude... to our Heavenly Father for carrying us through dark days and allowing the joy... His joy to shine in our hearts again... We are living a full life and we are so thankful...

Today is National infant loss and awareness day... so today we remember our precious Samuel, baby Joel, and the sweet little baby we miscarried in February 2010... I can not wait to scoop them all up in Heaven and have them show me around...
 

 

My absolute favorite picture of my first five gifts!

 



 

Thankful for the gift of a husband who isn't afraid to walk along side of me through the hardest of days and the best of days...

they're off

 

Here is the fall mission team that is serving in Moore Oklahoma until next Tuesday. 

 

It is amazing how God knit this group together.  They had 10 teens and 6 adults heading down yesterday.  Our niece and 2 family friends came down from Wisconsin to be a part of the trip.  The team was picking up a friend from the air port last night that had flow in from Phoenix to join them.    A few friends and the youth director from our old church was planning on meeting up with them as well.  Since it is so close to Tulsa, I know Louis had another very special friend driving up to join him as well!  I have been praying for the Lord to bind them together in a beautiful way as they get to know one another while serving the people there in Oklahoma.

 

 

I am so thankful for their willingness to serve.  It is a first mission trip for a big handful of the team.  But they were excited to go and be the hands and feet of Jesus.  Most importantly I am praying for the Lord to work in the hearts of our people there and also the hearts of those that are still with out so much, and those that are still hurting deeply in many ways.   I am praying for them to be the listening ear when it is needed... sometimes the victims just need to share their story again.  I am praying that the people they serve can clearly see the love and compassion of Jesus shining through them.  Ultimately, I am praying that the Lord opens doors to share Jesus with those they serve.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

apple picking

 

 

This past Saturday we drove about an hour away to go apple picking at a beautiful Christian run apple orchard.  Levi loved it... the rain... the puddles... and munching on all the apples he could get his hands on:)



 

It is such a treat to just live a couple of hours away from my family... (not at all a reason we moved here... but a total bonus... kind of like a cherry on top for us!!! Such a sweet bonus blessing!!) 

 

This past summer while the boys would go up and stay with my 2 brother's families in Wisconsin to visit cousins, they were blessed to get to know family friends of theirs.  I am thankful that the Lord used that and allowed our boys to make some pretty neat friends.  We finally were able to meet as families up north and now to spend some time at the apple orchard with them... such neat people! 



 

 

That is our Hopie girl! So funny!

 

Louis, Isaiah, and Ella! 



 

This is the perfect picture of Isaiah to show how his nose totally gets this flat spot on top when he grins real big... How did we get so blessed to get this sweet little nugget!??  Talk about adding sunshine to our days!!



 

 

 

The crew on the hay wagon!  By far the favorite apple choice of our family was the liberty apples...  We had never had them before, but they were SO GOOD!!  Sweet, but tart too!  I think that is pretty much what we filled our bag with and then bought a bag of seconds to make apple sauce.  :)

 

 

7 of my greatest treasures!  We were so blessed by a great day at the orchard, even despite the rain showers.  My heart is full! 



OCEAN SPRAY CRANBERRY BOGS



 I think cranberry bogs are some of the most beautiful and fascinating things I have had a chance to visit.  There is an Ocean Spray bog about 20 minutes from my parent's lake house. 

 

On our trip up north we thought we would educate the kids a bit on what it takes to get that cranberry relish on the table each Thanksgiving holiday...

 

 First they need to flood the bog and run this agitating tractor through the flooded bog to shake the berry right off of the bushes....

 The berries then float to the surface... there were a few times we thought we might lose one of the kids to the bog:)  They could reach right down and take a sample... SOUR!!!:)

 

 This huge hose gathers up the berries and brings them down to one end of the bog... it just keeps reeling them in closer and closer...

 

 These men rake them right into the machine... It sort of sprays them off and sucks them down like a vacuum, or drain in a tub and into a pipe that takes them up and out to the truck...

(We laughed... I was just waiting for these guys to start talking just like the Ocean Spray guys in the those funny commercials:)  They didn't, but they sure were nice to answer all sorts of questions for us...

 

If you look close, you can see the berries falling from the pipe into the truck...

 

 

Hopie had the best seat in the house... This new friend Seth took a liking to her and was a huge help to me... carried her almost 2 1/2 miles while we hiked:)  It was like a mini vacation... He was so good with her... and she loved all the attention:)

 

 

What the bogs look like before they are flooded... you can see the bits of red all over the bushes:)

 

 

Our Levi enjoying the great fall weather at the cranberry bogs:)

Such a fun day to take in the beauty and creativity of our God to make such neat creations for us to eat and enjoy!  

THAT FAMILIAR LUMP IN MY THROAT

There it is again...
That all too familiar lump in my throat...

Did you know that October is Infant Loss Awareness Month?
Do you know someone personally that has lost a baby... through miscarriage, stillbirth, in the first year of life...

If you do... please reach out to them this month... even if it is some very small way... even if only to say their babies name... I know it will mean the world to them...

I just stumbled upon a precious online project called project heal.  Check out the website at www.carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-October-2013  When I saw the website, Immediately I felt that lump in my throat...

Truth be told... it was the 2nd time I felt that lump today... As we were packing up the car to head home from the cabin we couldn't find my camera...

Then it dawned on me... I had left it in the car, in the driveway, overnight, unlocked...

Then it really dawned on me... the SD card that was in the camera had all of our pictures from when Samuel was born on it...

Do I have copies of those saved on the computer?  Yes... Do I have copies saved to a disk?  Yes, numerous discs in fact...

It still almost immediately sent me into a panic... I wanted that SD card... really I wanted the SD card more than I wanted the camera... The littlest of things that connect me to my son... I have so little that still connects me to him... each one matters so much...

Praise God Caleb found the camera within minutes... but just having to wonder where it was for that short time sent me into tears...

 I just wanted my SD card... 
I just wanted my camera...

Really I just wanted my son...

Right now I just wish he was soundly sleeping up in the boys bunk bed room with 4 of his brothers ... I just wish I could go jump in bed with him and snuggle up to his sweaty head as he breathes deeply with no clue that I am right beside him soaking him in... All of those things that I won't ever get a chance to do with him... I still miss him so much!  I am so thankful that Samuel is safe in Heaven... but right now... I just miss him, who he was... who he would have become on earth... all that he is to me... OUCH... my heart hurts...

HIS GLORIOUS CREATION...

The kids and I are safely back from a quick sort of last minute trip up to the Northwood's of Wisconsin.

 

We were reminiscing about the cranberry bogs and beautiful leaves... so we decided we would go for it and try to make it up in time to see the beautiful fall colors... and that we did!

 

We hit it at the perfect time... In some areas, I think we were just past the peak of colors... but yet in other places it wasn't quite there yet. 

 

We hiked with my brother's family and some new friends...

Enjoyed time with cousins...

visited the cranberry bogs...

relaxed around the cabin...

And went to a really neat wildlife preserve... 

(That was a total gift... my brother had received sort of a rain check gift  certificate and wasn't going to be able to use it.  I have always wanted to take the kids there, but it is too pricey for a family of our size... so here we got to go for free... what a blessing for us!) 

 

Pictures of the cranberries, and the wildlife preserve soon... For now enjoy the beautiful fall colors of Upper Wisconsin:)